This Sucks, I mean do I look athletic at all?

Can someone please wake me up when it’s hometown dates?  Because I just fell asleep.  What a snooze fest! Is Juan Pablo the most boring bachelor in the history of bachelors?  I think I’d have a more interesting time watching paint dry.  Or watching the grass grow.  Or rewatching Jake Pavelka’s season.  But for you, my hopefully equally judgmental loyal readers, I will persevere and give you what you came here for: snark and sarcasm (are those the same things?)  Remind me to research that.

It’s week three at El Grande Casa (does that roughly translate into mansion in Spanish?  I haven’t a clue; I took German.  If anyone is interested, mansion in German is villa, which is oddly disappointing for a German word.  I think it should be more like großhaus, which translates to big house.)  Wow, I have deviated majorly off course!  Anyway, half the girls are bummed their “boyfriend” is dating “25 other girls,” half the girls really hope a modeling agency is watching the show, and another half of the girls is convinced Juan Pablo is “the one.”  I realize that three halves is more than a whole but I’m a lawyer, not a mathematician.  In sum, the show is as predictable as Miley Cyrus’ tongue sticking out in every photo.  She’s just bein’ Miley.  So what happened this week?  Well there were two one-on-one dates, a group date, an impromptu breakfast/ pool party, crying, and a wholeeeee bunch of awkwardness.  This week I’m focusing on the top five most awkward moments in order from least awkward (level of awkwardness example: I’d rather run into someone who took me on the world’s worst date than re-watch what just happened) to most awkward (level of awkwardness example: I’d rather have to seek  a paternity test from three people than re-watch what just happened.  Just so the record is clear, that statement was for shock purposes only.  I’d actually consider flinging myself off a bridge if that were my life.  The point is, that’s pretttty awkward yet less awkward than the MOST awkward thing that happened last night.  Confusing much?)  So without further ado:

5. Cassandra’s Last Date

Cassandra received the first one-on-one date with Juan Pablo.  Juan Pablo says he won’t waste her time if he knows he doesn’t “feel it” because she has a bambino.  He’s totally fine wasting everyone else’s time though.  Cassandra is thrilled because she tells us 15 times that she hasn’t been on a date in 3 years.  Just for your recollection, Cassandra is 21.  Yes, you read that correct- 21 years old.  Like not old enough to rent a car .  And she has a two year old.  So her last date was when she was 18.  18!  The first year she could legally vote for a president.  She was also probably still in high school.  I can only assume her baby daddy is the last date she had.  Apparently that was a verrrrrry good date.  Awkward.

Besides the awkwardness that ensues when Cassandra reminds us she was only 18 years old three years ago, I did have slight date envy (if I could pick my own date- not Juan Pablo).  How fun was that water-car?!  Or a “Wisconsin duck,” as they call it where I come from.  Anyone who has been to the Wisconsin Dells knows what I’m talking about.  Hey, maybe they should travel to the Dells!  Plenty of bikini wearing opportunities.   Cassandra giggles a ton and in between giggles declares this the best date ever.  Any date that involves creepy crotch grinding disguised as “salsa” with a stranger is usually the best date ever. Amirite?  (Mom, that’s internet lingo for “am I right.”)  Oh my gosh.  And did you see her PANTS?!  That’s awkward just on their own.  Did she paint them on?  Is it body paint?

cassandra pants

Rose for Cassandra, baby Trey, and those tight tight pants.  This is awkward too:

cassandra-ferguson-the-Bachelor-photos

That must have been right after her last date!

4.  Kelly’s Make-Up

We knew it was only a matter of time before ABC incorporated a soccer date into the show.  Juan Pablo and his “ladies” head to the LA Galaxy stadium for a friendly game of soccer.  And you know what I always find necessary for a good game of soccer?  Make up.  And lots of it.  Like a clown.  Or a drag-queen.

Kelly tells the camera, “This sucks, I mean do I look athletic at all?  And those balls hurt.”  No Kell, you definitely don’t look athletic.  You look like you’re ready to enter the Key West 11:00 PM drag-queen show.

drag_queen_makeup_1286405352

Obviously make up is Miss Kelly’s thang.  Later in the episode, Juanny stops by the mansion to cook the girls breakfast, hoping to see them in their “natural” states.  Much to Kelly’s horror, she encounters Juan Pablo before she had time to “put on her face.”  Her clown face I guess.  Kelly, you actually looked MUCH cuter in your glasses and PJs than with the make-up caked on.

3.  Elise Calls Chelsie a Little Girl 10000 times

Elise is convinced she will get the second one-on-one date with JP because she’s a woman, not a little girl.  The date card finally arrives and Elise is ecstatic that it’s finally her time for a date.  She envisions the perfect night ahead when all the sudden her dream is interrupted by the name “Chelsie.”  Elise’s jaw drops.  She quickly closes it when she realizes the ABC camera is zoomed in on her face.  She tells the camera everything went blank.  She  says, “I’m just not sure she’s [Chelsie] ready to be a step-mom.  She seems like a baby to me.”  Then she takes it a step further saying, “I don’t know if having another daughter is what he wants.”

Oh man, Elise.  You are pretty annoying.  You know what is not mature, wifely or motherly?  Constantly calling someone a little girl.  The only one who seems to fit that description right now is you!  Jealous much?  Shesh. And also, Juan Pablo might actually want another daughter.

The Little Girl Chelsie leaves for her date and Elise searches the mansion for anyone willing to listen to her little girl theory.  She finds, Cassandra, the 21 year old.  The youngest girl in the house.  We hear the same spiel again and it goes something like this:

  • Elise: Chelsie is such an effing little girl.  She’s just so young!!
  • Cassandra: I know, she is young, huh?
  • Elise:  Yes, she’s like 25.  She can’t be a Mother.  Or a wife.
  • Cassandra: Oh, but I’m younger than Chelsie.   I’m 21 AND a Mother.
  • Elise: Yeah, but you look old.

4.  Juan Pablo Induces an Anxiety Attack and Doesn’t Even Care

The Little Girl, Chelsie, gets the second juan-on-juan date.  Juan Pablo explains that in a relationship trust is very important and he wants to see if she trusts him.  And because ABC loves to exploit people’s fears, JP takes Chelsie to a bridge to jump off.

Suddenly I feel like the little girl.  Whenever I did something moderately stupid (probably really stupid) and when pressed for an explanation for my behavior, I’d often whine, “but everyone was doing it!”  My mom would get mad and yell, “oh so if all your friends jumped off a bridge, you would too?”  I’m sure every kid was asked that by their parents at some point in their life. [crickets chirping].  No?  Just me?  Well I’ve since learned not jump off bridges, proverbial or otherwise, just because everyone else is doing it.

And I wish Chelsie’s mom would have asked her that question too.  As C & JP perch on the bridge’s ledge, Chelsie begins to shake and cry.  I am worried she might faint.  This is seriously what a panic attack looks like.  Somebody lay her down and get her feet in the air!  But instead of telling Chelsie she doesn’t have to jump off the bridge if it’s causing her this much anxiety, he says to her “just do it for me.”  And he tells her to trust him.

just jump

Trust you?  Um that doesn’t even make sense.  The only things to trust are the bungee cord and the safety harness.  How is a tandem jump a trust exercise?  Juan Pablo cannot control Chelsie plummeting to her death.  And also, I’d rather not plummet to my death strapped to a total stranger.  And you know what else I don’t want to do?  Go on a date that causes me an anxiety attack and when I tell my date this he says, “do it any way.”  Um no thanks!  Come si dice, “a-hole?”  Only after Chelsie is moments away from fainting does Juan Pablo tell her she doesn’t have to do it if she doesn’t really want to.  Suddenly, Chelsie has a change of heart and leaps off.  I can only assume ABC stopped by with some xanax.  Or body doubles.

keep-calm-and-bungee-jump

Rose for trusting Chels.  I know that together Chelsie and Juan Pablo can overcome anything now.  Cue the groans.

And the most AWKWARD thing that happened this week that made me actually hide underneath my blanket begging for it to stop was…

5.  Sharleen’s God-awful Kiss

After the soccer date, JP leads Sharleen down to the soccer field for some juan-on-juan time.  Shar tells the camera, in the most monotone voice EVER that she’s nervous because “there’s just some chemistry there that you don’t find every day.”  Weird.  Two weeks ago you said you didn’t feel anything and didn’t think you should accept the rose.  You thought there would be more “insta-chemistry.”  Make up your mind.  For the record, I was also not very good at chemistry.  Elements are so hard!

Shar and JP sit down on a blanket and Shar tells JP she’s been thinking about the time they have and “how organic it feels.”  I seriously have no idea what that means.  Free of hormones?  No GMOs?  Natural?

PS – that’s an awesome song.  Anyway, the next thing that happened will be etched in my brain forever.  It’s like living through a traumatic moment and replaying it over and over and over again.  JP leans in to kiss Sharleen.  She leans away from him, licks her lips, then attacks him with her tongue.  I don’t even know what I just watched.  Juan Pablo doesn’t know what just happened either but he suddenly feels like he’s 15 again but not in a good way.   He abruptly ends the kiss.  Sharleen asks for a re-do after she says she’s “still trying to figure it out.”  Kissing?  Come on Sharleen.  You’re too old to be trying to “figure it out.”  Icky.  Round two was just as awful and gross.  Her mouth was disgustingly open while his was closed.  It was just so cringe-worthy.

Kelly, the dog lover, gives Sharlene this meme to make her feel better:

kiss

At the rose ceremony JP said goodbye to Free Spirit and Christy (who nobody remembered).  Let’s hope next week I don’t have to hide behind my blanket quite so many times.  What did you find awkward? Does anyone else think Sharleen needs to go?  Something just ain’t right with that sista.

 

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