It’s week two at the mansh, amigos! That means El Guapo (who LOVED the Three Amigos growing up and was stunned to learn “el guapo” means “handsome one” in Spanish? This girl!) is one week closer to finding a new mama for Cameeeela. And that prospective new mommy is one step closer to becoming the next Bachelorette. What tactics will be employed to try to land Mr. Pablo? Full frontal nudity? Check. Tiny bikinis? Check. Straddling? Check. Teenage motherhood? Check.
Clare offers to frost Juan Pablo’s tips at no cost for the duration of the Bachelor in exchange for the first date. He agrees with this arrangement; his hair isn’t going to dye itself. JP arrives at La Casa Bach to pick up Clare in his ABC issued car. Not nearly as cool as Des’ adorable aqua Bentley – are you slipping ABC?
Juan walks into the living room where 18
vultures women stalk their prey greet him. They are almost all holding wine glasses but I assume they took turns taking tequila shots off of the Free Spirit’s stomach before JP arrived. Clare puts on her best Amelia Earhart coat (in LA, in the summer) and they head out on their date.
I heard aviation is huge this fashion season. Instead of goggles, Juan decides it’s necessary to blindfold Clare during the car ride. Clare instantly starts referencing 50 Shades of Gray and confesses to the camera she always hoped JP would be a little bit like Christian Gray. JP says that as a Latin Lover he gives lots of surprises, which in this case included making poor Clare motion sick. Not quite the blindfold experience she had in mind. Despite Clare having to throw up out the window, Clare proclaims JP smells so good, “like Heaven in a bottle.” But I suppose compared to vomit, he probably does smell pretty good.
To my surprise, Juan Pablo drives Clare all the way to Minnesota. Now I’m really glad I’m not on this stupid show. If I had flown all the way to LA and was taken to some fake snow scene, I think I would have freaked out. I would have demanded an island date immediately. But alas, the couple was actually still in LA. They borrowed Hugh Hefner’s snow machine to create a winter wonderland (I may have seen an episode or two of the Girls Next Door to know that Hugh does in fact have a snow machine). But Clare-bear is less cynical about cold than I am and she giggles like a school girl the entire time. Seriously, it was nothing but “he-he-he-he-he-he-he,” for the entire date.
Meanwhile, back at La Casa Bach, Lucy is heating things up by soaking topless in the hot tub. She decides it’s a good time to tell the girls about her bra burning rally she has planned next week on the driveway. All Bachelor contestants, past and present, are encouraged to participate. Swimsuit tops are an acceptable item to burn too.
Back at the date Clare says this fairy-tale date is the best ever and it’s just fab. She’s ready to marry Juan Pablo. Clare turns the conversation serious and tells JP about her Father dying. Pabs offers no condolences at ALL. Apparently his heart is too frozen from the fake snow. Rose for Clare. Clare takes that as in invitation to start aggressively making out with Juanny in the hot tub. First hot tub make out of the season! And because this show is stupidly predictable, a private concert suddenly starts with some unknown dude. Ugh. Clare declares this the best date she’s ever had. She should just move to Minneapolis – every date involves snow Clare, starting with first pushing your car and a stranger’s out of the snow!
The second one-on-one date goes to Kat, with the world’s cutest dimples. This date is so stupid I almost don’t want to write about it. I think it’s officially the worse date in Bachelor history – I’d rather watch them do a stupid play in a park than see another date like this. That’s sayin’ something because I HATE the play dates! The date starts out promising on ABC’s private jet. Until Juan P appears in some ugly neon light-up tracksuit midway through the flight. Kat is contractually obligated to put on some equally obnoxious light-up clothes and the plane lands in… Utah. He took her to the “Electric Run, ” which looks like the most annoying race on the planet (in case you are wondering, it’s $55.00 a person – to run 3.2 miles- dressed in neon). The couple joins a giant mass of people all dressed up in neon and glow-things. JP proceeds to jump around and scream like an annoying frat boy. I never saw any actual running but apparently they did and at the conclusion of the “race,” Juan and Kat take the stage for more jumping and yelling. What a date. I can’t believe I’m saying this (especially because I’m actually a runner) but I’d rather be on the fake Minnesota date. Rose for Kat even though they never exchanged any words to each other.
Back at La Casa, the girls receive the third date card, which is a group date. Lucy worries how she will get JP’s attention if she can’t flash him on the date. I’m not sure Lucy makes the best hippy – a true bra burning hippy would never want JP to see her only as a sex object. The girls put on their shortest dresses possible and join Juan Pablo on a date to shoot a photo campaign with dogs. The creative director gives Lucy a fire-hydrant to wear for the shoot. And then, in the lowest move by ABC in a long time, Andi and Elise, the only two people with legitimate careers, are told they will be posing nude for the shoot. The first grade teacher and the attorney. Nude. Nada.
Elise resourcefully asks Lucy to trade “outfits.” Lucy is thrilled to be nude. Smart move Elise, smart move. Meanwhile, Andi feels panicked at the thought of posing nude since you know, she puts people in jail for a living. But Juan Pablo tells her to “trust him,” and with those two words, Andi throws her career out the window. Who needs a JOB when you have 5 minutes of fame?! Also, I would love to be in a negotiation with Andi – she seems willing to cave very very easily.
I am majorly questioning Andi’s judgment. She just spend years and thousands of dollars on her education and she is willing to potentially jeopardize her entire career for this? A photo shoot week two of the Bachelor? Seriously? I object! Oh and Andi, do you really want to date a guy who makes you do stuff on a date that you are not comfortable with? I don’t! I want my date to respect my boundaries, but that’s just me. I’m sure everyone in the courtroom will take you seriously now that this is out there:
Oh the little black privacy box of shame. After the shoot, the group heads to an LA hotel rooftop bar. Victoria decides it’s best to get an IV of alcohol because drinking the regular way always takes so long. Cassandra nervously decides it’s time to tell Juan Pablo, the single dad, that she is a single mother. Cassandra is very worried what JP will think. Obviously it’s ok to be a single dad but not a single mother! The horrors. Or maybe she’s worried about what Juan Pablo will think knowing she’s only 21 (yes, 21! AH!) and has an almost-two year old that she abandoned to come chase around some random dude. Who cares about mother-child bonding when you’ve got Juan Pablo.
Back at the rooftop, Victoria starts slurring her words, “this is how I emmmm sobberrr.” Drunk people always love to proclaim, “I’m not drunk!” as they fall down. Getting defensive, Victoria tells the girls, “I’m just fun. Sober.” In the least sober voice ever. I can practically smell the booze through my computer screen. In the confession cam, Victoria delivers the best line in Bachelor history, “if Juan Pablo is mine, I’m going to straddle him every dayyyyyy…cuz that’s what life is about – straddling people. And things.” Amazing Victoria, amazing. Could I get that printed on an inspirational magnet? Case in point:
Sadly due to an epic drunken breakdown in the bathroom, this is Vicky’s only chance to straddle JP. But before the bathroom breakdown, Vicky sits alone in the rooftop hot tub and says that during the photo shoot, she gave JP the “hymen maneuver,” and thus deserves a rose. Yes, you read that correctly (unless Vicky really did MEAN hymen maneuver and it’s just some new sex move?) But then she says it again. Oh Vicky. Oh Vicky, Vicky, Vicky. Mr. Heimlich himself probably needs a hymen maneuver after this. But Vicky’s gems don’t stop there. She asks the camera, “whose legs do I have to hump around here to get some one-on-one time, huh?” Well since you asked, I’d start with Chris Harrison!
When her system literally cannot handle it any more, Victoria runs to the bathroom to
throw up cry. Sweet Renee comforts hysterical, drunk Victoria. Victoria declares she is DONE and wants to go home. She exits the bathroom and tells the producers she is leaving. They tell her she can’t leave without shoes and for her safety, she can’t leave. Victoria throws up on a producer and they offer her some champagne to get the vomit taste out of her mouth. Victoria is given a hotel room to pass out in for the night. Kelly, the dog lover, gets the rose– apparently for no other reason than she looked awful during the photo shoot:
The next day, Juan Pablo stops by the hotel to tell Victoria no amount of leg humping will get her one-on-one time anymore. Victoria says, “I guess I should apologize for setting off the crazy train. Welcome to Brazil!” I’m sure all Brazilian women really appreciate being lumped in with you, crazy train. You seem like you’d make an outstanding step-mother for Cameeeeeeeeeela. Sorry Vicky but your sad sorry just won’t cut it. Time to find someone else or thing to straddle.
At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Juan Pablo pulls Amy L. aside for some one-on-one time. What happens next will scar me for life. Amy L. conducts a mock interview with Juan Pablo that leaves the audience stunned that some news network actually pays her to do this. Seriously, she needs a new career. It was so amateur – I felt like I was watching a 12-year-old version of myself. And trust me, that’s just embarrassing. I know a news station in northern Wisconsin that would be perfect for Amy. This is Kate reporting live from the Bachelor rose ceremony, where Amy L. was just sent home without a rose. Throwing it back to the studio!
No rose for you either Chantel. But unlike Victoria and Amy, you left with your dignity intact, so for that reason, you are a winner.
See you next week, mi amores!