I want a man who wants to be rubbed by me

You guys!  It’s Juan-juary! And I have breaking Bachelor news.  I’m dating Juan Pablo.  And I have been for years.  Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Juan Pablo and me:

j and k

No?  Not the Juan Pablo you were expecting?  Technically he goes by John Paul, but for the next three months, he’ll be Juan Pablo to me.

So, back to that other Juan Pablo.  We’ve endured months and months waiting for shirtless shots of Juan working out on the beach Juan to meet what I can only assume will be the next Bachelorette his future wife and step-mother to his daughter, Cameeeeeeeeela.  My life feels so empty and meaningless when the Bachelor isn’t on TV.  During those dark months I never see enough tanned, shirtless, muscled men.  And I certainly never see any in the shower.  I also miss the comforting words of Chris Harrison, like “journey to find true love,” and “tonight, on the Bachelor,” and “the most dramatic rose ceremony in Bachelor history,” and “Emily, will you accept this rose?”   “please, take a moment and say your goodbyes.”  But what I miss the most are the girls who teach me so much, such as “this isn’t just some silly little game,” and always ALWAYS keep your sparkle.  So without further ado, it’s finally time to embark on Juan Pablo’s aventura (that’s adventure in Spanish, mom).

Because Juan’s body heats up even the coldest Minnesota winters, the Almighty Chris Harrison deemed it necessary for Juan to have 27 caliente bachelorettes to choose from rather than the standard 25 (only the unattractive bachelors need 25 to pick from, duh).  And it seems that Juan thinks the best step-mother for Cameeeeeeeela must have the following description:

  • Bottled blonde hair (red heads need not apply)
  • Large breasts (fake or natural, juan-derful either way)
  • Age 26 (seriously, I calculated the mean.  I’m officially too old for that Juan)
  • Must love empanadas (I don’t know what that is exactly, but I’d love it for you Jaun)
  • Wears shoes (finally, I meet a criteria!)

Some of our Latin lover’s bachelorettes fall flat.  But some of them turn up the heat.  And because most of the girls looked like they were dressed like their high school prom, here are some superlative awards (you know, high school graduation style) given to the most memorable ladies:

Most Likely to Have Foot Fungus: 

And the award goes to…Lucy!

Lucy-Aragon-Coachella

As an occupation, Lucy works as a “free loader spirit,” and free spirits don’t wear shoes!  Or make-up.  Or clothes.  Or, I can only assume, a paying job.  Let your freak flag fly, Lucy.  Just make sure you get yourself a good bottle of anti-fungal medication.  Lucy sings “be sure to wear some flowers in your hair,” while she twirls in a bed-sheet and sashays towards Juan– barefoot of course.  Juan thinks that Lucy might be a good playmate for Cameeeeela.  Rose for Lucy.

Side Note:  One of the girl’s occupations is listed as “dog lover.”  I might be mistaken, but I always thought occupation meant how do you make a living?  Dog loving does not a paycheck make, unless that’s just a cute title for veterinarian.

Most Likely to Be Voted Prom Queen:

Ladies and maybe one gentleman, we have a tie!  First is Christy from Illinois:

christy-bachelor-1-w352

That’s prom-tastic.  Rose for Christy’s junior prom dress.  Second is Kylie, also from Illinois:

kylie

Maybe Kylie and Christy shopped together for their prom dresses at Deb or David’s Bridal.  Kylie reminded me of a real-life, adult version of Ariel (just with less natural red-hair and awful pink lipstick and matching nails):

ariel

Ariel Kylie sang “Part of Your World,” to Juan but Juan Pablo absolutely wanted her to stay underwater.  No legs rose, for you Kylie…not even when you thought Juan Pablo called your name during the rose ceremony.  Ouch.

Most Likely To Feel Comfortable Using Legal Jargon Every Day:

And the verdict is… Andi!

dgiwa_andi_809427

WHEREAS petitioner seeks to enter into a contractual marital  agreement with Juan Pablo (“the Bachelor”) pursuant to ABC Stat. 7:00(c)(18)(6), herein called the “Contract.”  Said Contract shall be executed on or about but not later than 6 (six) weeks from the juncture of petitioner and the Bachelor’s limo meeting.  WHEREAS petitioner and the Bachelor (“the parties”) shall be liable for any breach of said contract.  A breach of said contract includes but is not limited to failing to consummate the relationship on or about fantasy suite date night.  Further affiant sayeth naught.  Jury’s still out for Andi but Juan Pablo is willing to have the ABC attorneys look over Andi’s proposed contract.  (I realize that a prosecutor would never write a contract or anything of this nature…but the alternative was making jokes about illegal pat-downs and fruit of the poisonous tree.  Oh law school.  I miss you naught.)  Rose for prosecutor Andi.

Most Likely To Make Horrifying Sex Sounds:

Ooooooooooo.  Ahhhhhh.  Who could it beeeee…. oh please.  You know who.  It’s Amy J:

amy j

This is a classic example of “looks can be deceiving.”  How cute is she?  She looks wholesome, sweet, normal.  But when she insisted on massaging Juanny P in the driveway, with essential oils, over his suit, while making loud moaning sounds, I changed my mind. Fast.  Aye yae yae.  Is she going to pay for the dry cleaning bill to get those oils off his suit?  I would have freaked out if someone rubbed oils on my clothes!  During this awkward rub-down, Amy tells Juan Pablo that she thinks they have a lot in common.  Juan’s response?  Total silence.  The only noise I can hear is the ABC intern breathing heavily while trying to steady the microphone boom.  And Lauren crying.  If I had to pick two people with less in common, I would pick Amy J and Juan Pablo.  Juan Pablo probably has more in common with the shoeless girl, and that’s sayin’ something.  When we  met Amy J, she tells ABC producers, “I love to work people’s muscles.”  And this gem, “I want a man who wants to be rubbed by me.”   You rubbed him all right.  The wrong way.  No Rose.  Guess you’ll have to find someone else’s muscles to work.

Most Likely to Need the ABC Psychotherapist

This winner blew the competition way.  Nobody stood a chance.  The “winner” is…Lauren H:

lauren

Como si dice “train wreck?”  I mean that in the nicest way possible.  I should have noticed the warning signs during her pre-limo introduction.  You met a man a “little over a year ago,” got engaged, broke up, and are on the Bachelor?  All in a YEAR?!  That makes my head spin just thinking about it.  Slow down, Lauren, slow down.  Post-limo, I realize ABC picked you only to showcase an emotional breakdown.  I recognize the conversation with Juan Pablo might have been edited (I really hope you are able to say things other than just “right,” “yeah,” and “um,” over and over again) and might not accurately reflect the exchange you two had, but Lauren, my dear, those tears were REAL.  Also, your statement to Juan P, “I’m totally over it,”  only tells me that you are, in fact, not over it.  At all.  Not juan bit.  I read that your engagement ended 5 months before you went on the show.  I want to see your audition footage.  If you cried then too, sue ABC for intentional infliction of emotional distress.  In the meantime, while you work on  your damages, remember AshLee from Sean’s season?  Call her.  She’s got the good drugs.

Most Likely to Yell Drop And Give Me 20

 Well, the award goes to Sharleen.. sir, yes sir.

Sharleen-Bachelor

Meeting Juan Pablo did not inspire this Opera singer to run out and sing an aria.  Not only was Sharleen the recipient of the coveted first impression rose, but she was also the first bachelorette in 18 seasons to 1) be annoyed that he was giving her the rose 2) respond after what felt like an entire minute of complete silence with an unenthusiastic “sure,” and 3) start calling Respondent “sir” after he gave her the rose.  Nothing says romance like a good ol’ fashioned “sir.”  (That’s sort of true if you’ve seen An Officer and a Gentleman – but that’s totally different).  But all those sirs, the sound of crickets, and an annoyed “sure,” did not tip-off our savvy Bachelor.  No sir!  Instead, Sir Pablo declared that Sharleen was so shocked and elated that she received the rose that it rendered her speechless.  I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised by Shar’s sudden use of the military lingo because, after all, love is a battlefield.  I just didn’t realize Juan Pablo out-ranked her.  Or, I am totally wrong! Maybe she has a knight fantasy and she’s calling him sir as part of that role-play.  That’s probably it.  Oooo here comes Sir Juan Pablo to rescue the helpless dame from the evil foot fungus girl.

Most Likely for Me to Like?

DISCLAIMER:  I reserve any and all rights to at anytime stop liking the contestants I have listed below.  As this list is generated solely on my “first impression,” and ABC”s amazing editing, I’m sure I will undoubtedly be totally wrong about these people.  A future Tierra-rist could even be in the mix for all I know.

I think Clare is the cutest thing.  She seems so sweet and her story made me tear-up (recall: her dad died of brain cancer but before he died, he made a DVD for Clare’s future husband).  Man, I hope ABC doesn’t exploit that.  Who am I kidding, of course they will!  One complaint – Clare came out of the limo pretending to be pregnant.  Um what?  I don’t get it.  Worst limo entrance ever.

Nikki, the pediatric nurse, was adorable in her intro package. Her back-tats in her formal gown were less adorable.  But still, she seems sweet.

Chelsea, the “science educator,” is energetic and pretty. I’m sure she’ll never be Bill Nye but it’s not like Juan Pablo is Mr. Intellectual.  Chelsea greets JP with a little chemistry lesson.  Her science experiment was a good idea in theory… but as any scientist knows, not all theories turn out so.  Why did it fail?  Her enthusiasm level was a 15…and JP’s was about a 1.  It felt awkward.

Alli, a nanny from Chicago, came out of the limo kicking a soccer ball.  Speakin’ Juan’s language, Alli.  Good play, good play.  I like her.  That’s all I have to say.

Is it weird that I miss Sean?  I kinda ❤ him.

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