Almost 10 years ago I was headed off to college (YAY COLLEGE!). On a side note, when did I get so old? As I’ve said previously, I’m too old to be a contestant on this show. De-press-ing. I’m also too educated to be a contestant on this show. Also, de-press-ing. I’d also like to think I’m too sophisticated for the show…but MAN I would have been amazing on this show 10 years ago. Hot tub soaking ability? Above average. Bikini strutting? Excellent. Cocktail sipping (read: guzzling)? Um, I’m from Wisconsin. I could do it.
But I digress. Back to my first year of college. Like every freshman at a liberal arts college, I had to take it all: theology 101, philosophy 101, piano for beginners, some sort of math and science class that I never paid attention in, and finally, the BIG freshman class, psychology 101. My dear dear DEAR roommate and I had the joy of taking Psych 101 together. It was amazing. Our professor referred to us collectively as “the roommates.” We studied the brain, we diagnosed our problems, we dreamed of meat powder, and then one day, we learned about a concept that was revolutionary in our world: co-rumination. I’m a little rusty on my psychology but as I recall it was essentially the act of rehashing/ talking about/ remembering every. single. minute detail of an event (usually negative) for hours upon hours with another person (in this case, my roommate and me) until you both feel miserable, even though you didn’t feel miserable to start! The goal isn’t to FEEL miserable, but you just dwell and dwell and dwell. We were EXCELLENT co-ruminators and we thought it was amazing that we had a diagnosis for our frequent perseverations (although, I think that’s an entirely different psychological phenomenon. Mom? Dad? Side note – they are actual psychologists, not the “arm chair” psychologist I’m currently holding myself out to be.)
What’s the point of this lovely little vignette? The point is that ABC is FORCING US to co-ruminate with Des, even if we don’t want to. We’re forced to watch Brooks dump Des high and dry, all over again. We’re forced to watch her sob and wonder why her mascara doesn’t run. We’re forced to wonder why nobody can hand Brooks a freaking kleenex for all that STUFF coming out his nose. Maybe he needs a nasal adjustment from Chris’ dad. And you know what, just as I learned in psych 101, it sucks reliving something negative over and over again.
Also co-ruminating with Des tonight is Chris Harrison and a LIVE studio audience. Do you think they get the audience drunk ahead of time so tears flow more easily? Back in Antigua, Chris sits down with Des to talk to her about the situation.
- Chris: Des, what’s shaking? What’s with the sourpuss?
- Des: Didn’t you hear? Brooks left.
- Chris: Oh. And you care about that? But did you see how much stuff was in his hair?
- Des: I want to go home.
- Chris: Well, you’ve got two more guys here. Chris and Drew. Remember them? The fantasy suite?
- Des: (giggling) I love BOTH of them! They are both expressive, and affectionate, and loving, and Drew likes men. I’m not broken. So I’m going to pretend I love one of them.
Again, despite the tears, Des’ makeup NEVER runs. What is the secret! For some reason, next we have a rose ceremony where Des cries some more, tells the guys essentially she loves Brooks and is heartbroken but wants to know if they’ll still accept her rose. Romance. Don’t you just love it when the girl you love is crying over another guy but asks you to still date her? It’s a love built for lasting. She sobs as she hands out roses, accidentally saying “Brooks” twice instead of Chris and Drew. Chris is bummed Des is crying over Brooks but he figures it’s nothing a little poetry can’t fix.
And to continue in the awkwardness, Harrison sends Des on some dates with Drew and Chris. Des knows she’ll never cross the finish line with Drew (interpret as you will) and thus she is free to wear her ugliest “shirt” on the date. I say shirt in quotes because it’s more like a Halloween costume top for a child going as Sacajawea. Des pairs her crop top with some low-flung, hip huggin’ pants that were very reminiscent of Christina Aguilera’s outfit in her music video “Genie in a Bottle.” I know Des is heart broken but wardrobe should have insisted she put on pants that she hasn’t had since 1999. Des and Drew take to horses like a scene out of “Brokeback Mountain” (again, interpret as you will) and Des realizes she is NOT having it. Drew cheers Des to being in love and Des replies, “cheers to Brooks!” Then starts sobbing. She tells Drew what he already knows – that she doesn’t feel the same way about him as he does her. She doesn’t see their future together. Drew sighs and tries to run his fingers through is hair but then realizes his hair pomade guarantees to keep hairs in place up to 48 hours, even in the event of a nuclear holocaust, making this attempt futile. Also, what’s up with Drew’s puffy purple shorts? That is all. See ya Drew.
It’s time for Des’ date with Chris. I get a little excited because I figure she’s ready to kick him to the curb and then Brooks will come running in begging for another chance. I know it’s going to happen. Except it didn’t. She didn’t kick Chris to the curb. And so far Brooks hasn’t come running, or walking back in. Des makes out with Chris (nothing heals the heart like making out with someone else). She decides he is worthy of meeting her family. But first, Chris pulls out the journal Zak W gave to Des months ago. Des ignores the scribbled out message from Zak and heads straight to the back where Chris has recorded all of his poetry from the season. Des regrets telling him he can meet her family.
What I can only assume is like 8 hours after Brooks left and Des was left heartbroken, Des takes Chris to meet her family. Chris takes some anti-anxiety medication in anticipation of the verbal assault he’s anticipating from Des’ charming brother. Ironically, Des’ brother is wearing a shirt that very very closely resembles jail stripes. Coincidence or is he really on a furlough from jail? It would be fitting with all the prison tats. Des wears a darling coral dress ( I want!). While broski gives Chris the third degree, he manages not to act too insane. He must be medicated. Chris asks Des’ dad for his hand in marriage. Dad asks if he’s Brooks? Chris replies no, he’s Chris NOT Brooks. Dad gives his approval to Chris and in the alternative, Brooks.
With 20 remaining minutes left in the show, I regain confidence that Brooks MUST be about to reclaim Des. Will it happen at the rose ceremony? Or maybe Des will pull a Mesnick, pick Chris only to choose Brooks at the After the Final Rose? Whatever the path, I was certain Brooks would place the Neil Lane on Des’ finger. No doubt.
Until I had doubt. Pretty soon it was the proposal time. Chris visited Neil Lane. Oh Neil. Just the sight of you made me laugh so hard. Probably my favorite moment in the show. Neil shows up again with his bevy of gaudy rings that look like costume jewelry. Chris chooses one that resembles the one from the game “Pretty Pretty Princess,” and assumes Des will love it because she loves the 90s. It also featured “rose gold.” How convenient. Neil Lane shines the giant diamond on his bare chest and wishes Chris good luck. Neil also asks that he pass the ring on to Brooks when Brooks shows up.
Des puts on a dress that I love (super flattering on her body) and shows up to the proposal sight. She looks around for Brooks but he’s not there yet. Chris shows up, starts to get down on one knee and Des stops him. THIS IS IT, I think! She’s going to break up with him and call Brooks! Only, she tells him that her feelings for Brooks made her blind to her feelings for Chris. Umm ok. I’m not sure that’s what I’d want to hear from the person I’m asking to marry, but what do I know. Chris takes it as a good sign and drops to one knee, pulls out the Neil and Des declares, “Yes, a thousand times, YES!” Just like she had always practiced as a pretty pretty princess in the tent.
I figured my theory about Brooks was about to ring true at the After the Final Rose. But it DIDN’T. Des STILL chose Chris. And dare I say it… they seem happy! She is moving to Seattle as I type this. And Seattle is where Chris lives, not Brooks. Just to be clear, I didn’t WANT Des to choose Brooks, I just really thought she’d end up with him. But I like her and Chris together. Even if his 5th grade poetry makes me want to shove needles in my eyes. Oh and also. JUAN PABLO. I’d Juan Pablo that. No. Seriously:
Please accept my thorny, sarcastic, final rose of the season! Until next season my dear dear readers!