Hard to believe but it’s already week 7 (that’s practically long enough for Des to KNOW who she should marry). Des should employ the same method I use to shop on her quest to find a husband: if you think about it the next day, you should buy it. So, if she’s thinking about one guy in particular, then she should buy him. Or Neil Lane/ ABC should buy him for her. I think that’s how I ended up spending $1450.00 last weekend (on chairs, not buying a husband). Sometimes this method isn’t fool-proof, but really, what is. It’s a crap-shoot. Des could spend 8 full weeks with these guys only to find out he’s a Larry Craiger. Or a Spitzer. Or a Wiener. Or a Sanforder. You just never know.
ABC ships the remaining men and Des to the beautiful island of Madeira. Somewhere James is upset he missed out on the boat. I’m upset that I don’t have a glass of Madeira to enjoy this episode. And I’m also upset I’ve never been to this gorgeous place. Perhaps another purchase to consider. But I’m most upset that nobody has punched Michael in the face yet.
Des “invited” her friends to Madeira for some advice (read: ABC flew contestants from Sean’s season to Madeira to add some interest to the show). I highly doubt any of these chicks are actually friends with each other. Joining Des is Catherine (Sean’s fiance), Leslie, and the one we don’t remember at all because she didn’t talk, Jackie. Des asks Catherine if Sean is available and asks Catherine to remind Sean that he made a huge mistake. The girls slurp down some yellow drinks, spy on the 5 guys with binoculars and play “who would you rather do.” Nobody picks Michael.
One on One Date: Brooks
Love Des’ tank top! Add it to my list of wants. Des and Brooks hop into a Smart car and go zipping up a mountain side. While Des is telling anyone who will listen how much she is falling in love with Brooks, Brooks is starting to show his doubts. The car trip ends on top of a mountain above the clouds. I can only imagine the clichés that will come from location. Something like, Brooks’ love sends me to the top of a mountain. Or Brooks makes me feel like I’m floating on clouds. No literally, I am floating on clouds right now. Meanwhile Brooks declares the clouds are suffocating him and he feels like he’s tumbling down a mountainside uncontrollably.
At dinner Des comes up with adjectives to describe the falling in love process and its various stages. They were something like sitting on the couch, getting up for a bag of chips, going on an after dinner walk, running a 5k, and getting a blue ribbon (that’s when you’ve reached true love). Des tells Brooks she’s running (although really, she’s already at the blue ribbon stage) and Brooks tells the camera he’s “a little bit behind in [his] emotional process.” Meaning, he’s not even out of bed yet. Love hurts. As does running!
One on One Date: Chris
Des takes Chris to a yacht for some motorboatin’. Chris realizes he has the perfect poem for the occasion:
Makin’ waves and catchin’ rays up on the roof
Jumpin’ off the back, don’t act like you don’t want to
Party in slow motion
Out here in the open
The ABC camera dude interjects to tell Des that Chris did not write that poem but that it’s actually a country song by Little Big Town. Chris vows to only recite original poems from this point forward.
Ugh. Seriously more poems. Chris decides they will write a “poem” in a bottle. And then litter the earth with this junk. I like Chris, I really do. But the poetry needs to stop.
But unlike Brooks, Chris has fallen in love with Des (blue ribbon!) and is going to tell her at dinner. In a poem. Chris would have done so well at my grade school on “poem in your pocket” day.
One on One Date: Michael (gag)
Michael shows up looking like a total creeper. I don’t know why he looks like a creeper. He just does. Des says he has all of the qualities that make a loyal, trustworthy husband. Also someone who might require a restraining order but what healthy relationship doesn’t require that? Des tells Michael he’s the sweetest person she’s ever known in her life. Is that sarcasm? Or hyperbole? Otherwise yikes Des, you’ve known a lot of sausages in your life. They race some toboggans down the streets of Madeira (so fun!) and Des cackles like a witch the whole way down. Seriously, what’s with the laugh Des? I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too! Ah ha ha ha.
Des paints on white dress sized for a 6-year-old and they head to dinner on the streets of Madeira below bistro lights. It would have been such a romantic setting with anyone but Michael. Michael says he wants to find a wife because he doesn’t want his tombstone to just read “world’s greatest prosecutor.” WOW. DOUBLE WOW. Cue the groans harder than they’ve ever been cued! Geez Michael, what would the federal government do without your amazing prosecutorial skills? I mean, what are they doing these three months while you’re off gallivanting around? Did the whole federal court system collapse without your trial skills? Are felons just roaming the streets now? Have all federal drug charges in Miami gone unprosecuted? Anyway, I think I can state with confidence that your tombstone will never read “world’s greatest prosecutor.” Plus, that title’s already bestowed upon MY boyfriend. Aw snap!
Michael tells Des about how his last girlfriend left him for a mountain top. Or some other dude on a mountain top. Either way, she left him. I’m shocked. You seem like such a nice guy… despite your witch hunting ways. And wild wild eyes. And excessive use of hair gel. Embrace the curls, yo.
Two-on-One Date: Drew and Zak
Des takes Drew and Zak to a go-cart race track. Zak and Drew have a race. Zak kicks Drew’s behind because Drew is too worried about getting a hair out of place. And messing up his man-mani (manicure). Luckily Michael gave Drew some extra hair gel to keep everything firmly in place.
Zak pulls Des aside and shows her some art he made to document their journey. It was pretty cute. Zak is just fun and sweet. He’s goofy and likes to take his clothes off but what’s wrong with a little nudity anyway? Let’s not be such puritans.
Drew and Des have some alone time and Des says she wants to meet Drew’s family. It’s uneventful. Drew giggles like a school girl. Rose for Drew.
Des wears a gorgeous backless bright blue dress (back is the new breast)! Seriously, they really make her up to look beautiful at these rose ceremonies. Des has some time with Chris where she admits she’s got a major blue ribbon for Brooks. I’m talking like the blue ribbon winning cheddar cheese at the Wisconsin State Fair. That’s right, she loovvesss Brooks. Now if only Brooks felt that way too! Chris asks if it’s game over but Des says nahh because she still wants to do some traveling. Smart Des, very smart.
And it’s as though the Bachelor gods heard my prayers tonight. Hallelujah, Michael is going home! Good thing because those federal offenses won’t prosecute themselves Michael. I will say that Michael was gracious about the rejection, which earned him slightly more respect in my book but not enough to make up for his abhorrent treatment of James and Ben earlier in the season. Or his wild eyes. They cray cray.
And maybe another reason Michael can’t find love – as soon as he was rejected he called his mom. Yikes Michael. Yikes. Is she going to breast feed you later? Is that too much??? Eh, that’s why I’m here!
Hometowns next week! Yeeehaw. (Why a yeehaw? I don’t know but it felt right).