listen girl scouts, we’re about to bake some cookies

My precious readers, I apologize for my late post.  I could not write as I was on Mikey and James’ Fourth of July boat party held exclusively for tall, beautiful, rich women.  Obviously.  So where were we… it’s week 6 and in order to find “love” Des must travel to beautiful Spain. Balls will fly, tears will flow, and Michael will continue to annoy me.

Chris Harrison shows up to explain that if you get a rose you are safe.  Thanks for clearing that up Chris – I’ve been confused about that concept the last 12 years.

First One on One: Drew, let’s build a foundation for love

Drew is pretty.  I mean seriously, he is perfect looking.  But I’m just noooootttttt totally convinced Drew likes women.  Which is totally fine, obviously, just not fine for the show (or for Des).

Drew exclaims like a 12 year old girl that he can’t stop thinking about kissing Des, so he kisses her right away and squeals, “yay!”  How…masculine.  Drew tells Des about his father’s journey to sobriety and that he’s also terminally ill with cancer.  I’m just going to put this out there – If one of my parents were dying, I would definitely not be romping around on the Bachelor[ette].  Go home!  What a mistake!

Drew and Des head to dinner but in an attempt to overcompensate for his sexuality, Drew grabs Des and pulls her into the street for a make-out session.  Apparently the private dinning area was not conducive for making out.  A public street is a much better idea.  It reminds me of when Sean was running down the streets yelling “EMILLLLY!”  Oh good times.

Drew gets the rose.  As soon as Drew secures his rose, Drew decides it’s time to start gossiping.  Drew tells Des that he heard  from Kasey that Kasey heard James tell Mikey (yep, that’s like 72 layers of hearsay, but whatever) that if he makes it into the top four it will give him enough exposure so he’ll possibly be the next Bachelor and his life will change.  Des responds with a BEEEEEEEP and another BEEEEEEEP.  Oh really Des?  Are you unhappy you are now the Bachelorette?  Or would you rather be with Sean?  Something tells me you’d rather be the Bachelorette.

Group Date: Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James and Juan Pablo 

The group heads to play a soccer game against the professional women’s Barcelona soccer team.  Professional soccer player, Juan Pablo, is majorly excited for his opportunity to shine.  When Brooks sees the female team, he says “listen girl scouts, we’re about to bake some cookies.”  I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean but I do know that if anyone’s rump is going to be roasted, it’s going to be the men (with the exception of Juan Pablo).  And also, some of the toughest women in America were girl scouts (the list includes Hillary Clinton, Sally Rider, Sandra Day O’Connor, Martha Stewart, Katie Couric, Lucille Ball, Barbara Walters, and ME) so what’s your POINT BROOKS?!  I wish all the girl scouts past and present would get together and show Michael the prosecutor who’s boss.  And speaking of, Michael states that “it’s wrong to hit a woman but it’s not wrong…to kick a woman’s soccer ball.”  Sadly I bet Michael thinks in some circumstances it might be ok to hit a woman.  Or at least abuse her emotionally.  Yuck.

Surprise surprise the only girl scouts on the field were the men.  The women win.  After the game, the group drinks and the producers urge the men to start arguing.  But first, Chris and Des sneak away to a bed where they have a majorly awkward conversation and Des decides to read a poem she wrote to Chris.  No. More. Poems.  Ok, one more.  Here’s a haiku:

The poems need to end
They sound like a sixth grader
This show is so dumb.

After the guys get liquored up, Kasey confronts James about the SHOCKING conversation he overheard in the van at the last group date.  In case you missed the alleged conversation the first time, let me recap it for you:

James: Hey Mikey.  When I get back to Chi-town, I am totally gonna hook you up with some chicks I met at my gym.  Also, I’ll hook you up with my roid guy.  He makes my neck muscles massive.

Mikey: Sweet dude, also I have a boat.  I bet the chicks will love that.  And I know tall, good looking girls with lots of money.

James: Awesome bro.  You know, if Des doesn’t pick me and I make the top four, maybe I’ll be the next Bachelor.  ‘Cause that’s how this show works.

How DARE James state the obvious!  How could he EVER think about what inevitably happens each season?  To all the sausages yelling at James, I’m SURE you came on this show only to find love.  You know, since this show has such an outstanding track record at actually finding “love.” Yep, makes sense to me.  I’d like you all to be honest for a hot second and admit that the only reason you’re on this show is for fame.  Not for love.  And definitely not for Des.  Call me James, I’ll come on your boat.

The producers make Des and James take 6 shots of vodka and then Des confronts James about the conversation.  James defends himself and says the worst outcome would be if he was the next Bachelor.  Actually, I think the worst outcome would be getting picked.  James cries, Des cries.  James has to throw up from all the booze and Des decides she is too drunk to continue this conversation.  Chris Harrison gets James some Gatorade and sends him back to the hotel.

Second One on One Date: Zak 

Zak and his teeth that are brighter than the sun go to meet Des, who is sitting outside sketching a church.  Seriously Zak’s teeth are SO WHITE.  Zak’s teeth are whiter than the following:

  • freshly fallen snow
  • a brand new Hanes t-shirt
  • cotton
  • baking powder
  • coconut meat
  • milk
  • my rapidly whitening hair
  • rice
  • sun block

His teeth remind me of the Friends episode where Ross whitens his teeth.  If you haven’t seen the clip, watch it here.  I highly suggest it!  After Des puts on some sunglasses to protect her retinas, the two head to an art studio where they paint things.  Zak paints a portrait of Des that is hysterical.  The portrait looks like a dirty crackhead.  It’s probably the funniest moment on the show.  And maybe the only honest moment on the show.  Next, the two paint a full-frontal dude, which naturally makes Zak feel the urge to take his clothes off…so he does.

Rose for Zak.

The rest of the dumb episode includes the guys screaming at James some more, Des asking James about his intentions and Des crying.  I’m so over this whole non-drama, I can’t even bring myself to write about it.  Get over it everyone – James is on the show for the same reasons you guys are.  You ALL want to be the next Bachelor!  Get off your high horse, wake up and smell the roses, hey kettle you’re black, ETC.  Pick your darn cliche and let’s move on.

Three guys go home this week: James (surprise surprise), Kasey #seeya #yourhairisstillsotall and Juan Pablo.  To my astonishment Michael remains for another week.  Talk about an injustice!

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