Impersonation of a Southern Gentleman

The quest to find true love naturally must occur in Munich, Germany.  When I traveled to Munich, I didn’t find true love.  Instead, I found giant beer steins (actually, does that count as love?), an amazing sausage (an actual sausage, not whatever phallic thing you’re thinking of right now, pervert!), and a chance encounter with an Austrian man who befriended me, only to rob me later.  Ah Germany, you treated me like a bad boyfriend.  And like all bad boyfriends, I can’t wait to go back!

stein

But alas, back to Des and her quest to find “liebe.”  4 years of German and I know the word for love!  Yippy!

ABC provides our vying men with matching hoodies.  Inside the hoodies I can only assume ABC stitched contact information for when they have one too many German brewskis.  Chris Harrison shows up in Deutschland wearing a blue fashion scarf to explain that there will be one one-on-one date, a group date, and a two-on-one date.  The guys head to their luxury hotel and I can’t help but think back to the hostel I stayed in complete with foreign roommates and foreign hair covering the pillow.  Das ist nicht gut! (Translation: that is not good!)

One on One: Chris

Since it’s Des’ first time in Europe, Des and Chris are going to just explore Munich and act like tourists.  Good idea Des, since you ARE tourists.  A bit of advice, ja?  Don’t set your purse down if you REALLY feel like polkaing.  It might result in losing all the contents.  Some of us had to learn that the hard way.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel Bryden is continuing his breakdown from last week’s episode.  His feelings are not progressing as quickly as some of the other men.  Bryden decides that rather than wait for Des’ date to end, he should go tell her immediately.  Or at least one of the producers tells Bryden that’s a brilliant idea.

On the date, Des and Chris go to a sausage shop, try on lederhosen and attempt to fake polka in the streets.  Or what I call, a Friday night in Milwaukee.

Bryden takes to the streets to ask random Germans if they have seen television cameras in the area.  Kind of like the crew that’s following you around,  Bry?  Also, since I can only assume ABC sent him on this quest, can’t they at least just tell him where Des and Chris are pathetically skipping around in a circle?  (Not the polka, folks.  Not remotely.)  Bryden crashes the date and steals Des away to tell her he won’t accept any more roses.  Chris feels irritated that he might need to comfort Des when she comes back.

Bryden thanks ABC for fixing his “Caesar style” haircut and heads back to the States.

Chris and Des continue their date, first drinking huge steins and then going to a fancy ballroom for dinner.  Des wears a gorgeous sparkly dress.  Unfortunately Chris subjects Des to more elementary poetry, this time about the rose ceremonies.  Rose ceremony poetry!  Geez, he might as well write a poem about Chris Harrison!  Do women actually like poetry?  Because it makes me feel awkward.  Rose for Chris.  And for the fifth straight week, ABC sends Des and Chris to a private concert.  I don’t understand why the private concert thing keeps happening?  Does the Bachelor franchise have its own music label?  If this is going to continue, could you please feature Rod Stewart, ABC? Thanks!

Group Date: Juan Pablo, James, Zak, Brooks, Drew, Mikey, #Kasey

That means the prosecutor and Ben will face the dreaded two-on-one date.  The prosecutor vows to “kill” Ben.  That ought to be good for his career.  The prosecutor also plans on exposing Ben for the “fraud he is.”  To be certain he wins his case on the date, Michael subpoenas all the other contestants, the Bachelor camera crew, and Ben’s 4 year old son as possible witnesses.

ABC has replaced the matching zip-up hoodies with matching coats and Ray Ban sunglasses for everyone.  When did a free wardrobe become part of this show?  The crew heads to the top of the highest peak in Germany via a gondola (jealous!)  At the top of the mountain, they hear something that sort of sounds like my mom attempting to sing “The Lonely Goatherd” from the Sound of Music.  Turns out, that sound was a yodeler, not my Mother.  Riiiiiicoooollllaaa.

After everyone gets their yodel out, they get on some sleds and participate in liability sledding.  Des crashes and Drew plummets right into her.  Specifically into her kidneys.  Des laughs it off and inside her kidney ruptures.  Des says the activities bring her back to her childhood.  You know how snowy California can get.  And she also proclaims, “this is the happiest place on the earth.”  All this time I was under the impression Disney World was the happiest place on earth!

The date concludes in an igloo, where all the contestants have to wear their ABC issued parkas, long underwear, snow pants, furry blankets and boots to prevent hypothermia.  How sexy.  As someone who spends 10 months a year shivering, the last thing I want to do is spend a date in an ice house.  Brooks and Des steam up an ice room with a passionate make out session.  Mikey and Des build a snowman outside.  Des is floored that Mikey can build a snowman in like 30 seconds.  Zak interrupts the snowman building by practicing his yodeling.  Des finds this hilarious and tramples Mikey’s snowman to the ground as she runs to Zak.  Zak’s teeth glow brighter than the snow-capped mountain tops and Zak says the last time he was in Germany he contemplated becoming a priest.  When he found out he couldn’t run around naked, he decided the priesthood was not a good fit.  Amen brother.  Des lines up the remaining men, makes out with them and declares Brooks the best kisser, giving him the rose.

Two-on-One: The Prosecutor Michael and the one Michael wants to “kill” Ben

A limo picks up Michael and Ben.  Ben wears the tightest pair of pants he can find.  Michael wears his lucky button down shirt that got him his first “guilt” verdict.  In the limo, Michael goes over the evidence that proves beyond a reasonable doubt that Ben is a fraud.  The always thoughtful ABC stocks the limo full of hard liquor to make sure all parties are comfortable.  Michael downs his bourbon while he ponders if he’ll have the opportunity to yell “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH” at Ben.  Michael says that he will use his trial tactics to expose Ben as a fraud and as an impersonator of a southern gentleman.  I can just see this arraignment:

Court: The Defendant is charged with count one: fraud, a felony offensive in violation of Statute blah blah blah and count two: impersonation of a southern gentleman, a felony offensive in violation of the law according to Scarlet O’Hara.  How does the defendant plead?

Defendant Ben:  Not guilty to counts one and two.  Your honor, I ask that count two be dismissed and that the prosecutor be charged with prosecutorial misconduct.  Scarlet O’Hara law was outlawed after the Emancipation Proclamation.

I digress. Ben blots his sweaty brow while ignoring Michael’s smoldering looks.  They meet up with Des and they share some spiked hot chocolate on a bench.  When they are nice and boozy, Des takes the guys to the MOST. AMAZING. THING. I. HAVE. EVER. SEEN.  It requires shouty caps, it was that great.  A hot tub that floats around a lake – a “hot tug.”  How can I live in the coldest place EVER and not have one of those?  Must purchase.

Of course the hot tug temperatures rose to an uncomfortable level when Michael began his “trial” tactics.  Also known as bullying.  Michael begins interrogating Ben, calling him an absentee father and relaying to Des how his own father abandoned his family, just like Ben.  Ben bites his tongue (I feel like biting Michael).

Back at the hotel, Drew relays to the other guys that he heard James say that when he gets back to Chicago, he will have tall women lined up at the door (that’s like 3 levels of hearsay, in case anyone is wondering).   He will take them on a boat and be intimate and he will be king of Chicago!  Even without using a hit-man!  He hopes he plays his cards right and can be the next Bachelor.  Drew resolves to tell Des about the newest house fraud at the rose ceremony.

Back at the awkward two on one date, the trio heads to dinner.  I notice Des is drinking A LOT.  Michael begins his interrogation of Ben, asking why he has no friends in the house.  Des tries to change the topic and asks what family traditions the guys want to start.  Ben says he wants to go to church every Sunday as a family.  Michael sees this as his opportunity to begin the impeachment process of Ben.

Michael: Why didn’t you go to church on Easter Sunday, like the rest of us?

Ben: I didn’t go because it was a Catholic ceremony and it was in German.

Michael: Well, that didn’t stop me from going and I worship the devil!

Ben: Easter is very important to me.

Michael: You didn’t talk to your son on Easter.  I know because I creepily stalk you.  And I’m obsessed with you.  And I am an a-hole!

Ben: I’m choosing to invoke my fifth amendment rights.

Ben excuses himself from the table.  Des scolds Michael for his attack on Ben.  In Des’ most profound statement yet, she tells Michael, “just because you go to church doesn’t mean you’re close to God.” Preach it sister!  She tells Michael he was too aggressive and is unsure if she could keep either of them.

Please, send Michael home. He is so annoying.  He is the reason people dislike lawyers.  Or get rid of them both.  Adios amigos!  Sadly, Des shows she is an awful judge of character and gives Michael a rose.  After watching Michael act like a total sausage (insert different word), I really can’t believe he got a rose. I understand the guys don’t like Ben, but I certainly never saw Ben act like a villain.

In the rejection limo Ben asks when he can go in public with dates again.  He also lets Hollywood know he’s available.  He proclaims it’s time to go get drunk and live up his last night in Germany.  Maybe this is the behavior the guys were talking about?

Rose Ceremony

Des shows up looking absolutely beautiful at the rose ceremony.  Her makeup was flawless, her hair was perfect, her dress was beautiful and I had serious earring envy.  Chris spends the night with Des quizzing her about who is the best kisser (Brooks, she says).  It sort of felt like a dad asking his daughter questions that should never be asked.  Awkwarddddd.  Chris offers to make out with Des to see if she thinks he’s better than Brooks.  Des declines after recalling rumors that Chris made out with Emily.

Des has made up her mind and thus there is no need for a cocktail party.  Drew fumes that he won’t be able to warn Des about Fraud 2.0 James.  Ultimately, no rose for Mikey.  Awww, I really grew to like Mikey and his ties to the mafia.

Next week the crew heads to Spain.  Auf Wiedersehen!

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