You Threw Rocks at My Face

And just like that, it’s week three.  For some of the contestants, they are already in love *cough* Brandon.  Des is starting to realize that some of the contestants are too much for her to handle *cough* Brandon again.  And for one contestant, we learn he has awful judgment when it comes to ex-girlfriends, *cough* Brian.  And LOTS of the contestants need major hair help *cough* Kasey, Zak, and Brayden. Buckle-up cowboys, it’s gonna be a rough ride this week!

Group Date: Love is a Battlefield

Chris, Brian, Drew, Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey, Brandon, Zack K, Ben

The boys show up in their athletic gear and find out they will be playing dodgeball.  A professional dodgeball team is there, ready to do what everyone in America wanted to do as soon as these men came out of the limo: throw balls at them as hard as possible.  I half expected the professional players to yell, “that’s for all women in America!”

Chris Harrison shows up, pretty in plaid, to announce that they will battle each other.  The winning team wins a date with Bachelorette Emily.  I mean Des.  But secretly, they were hoping Emily.  The boys put on matching outfits, meant for 5 year olds, and Des is left evaluating who has the fullest package (umm that appears to be Mikey.  Just sayin’).  During the game, the men comment repeatedly that there were “balls flying” everywhere.  Yeah, you ain’t kidding!  Blue team won the first round.  Red team won the second team.  This final game was for all the marbles.  Or as the federal prosecutor explains, in this case marbles represent Des.  Thanks for clearing that up.

Unfortunately, one of the testosterone-filled men chucked a ball at Brooks’ finger, sending him to the ER.  Ultimately the blue team won but surprise surprise, Des invites everyone along to the after party.  Meanwhile, when Brooks gains consciousness, he gets a script for pain killers and plans on selling them back at the house.  He knows Mikey will know someone interested in buying.

At the after party, Des pulls Brad away.  And unfortunately she does not send him away.

Brad tells Des that he has a three-year old son named Maddox.  He also admits that he  may or may not beat women.  Turns out Brad was arrested for domestic violence and a restraining order was issued.  Brad announces the silver lining is that the charges were ultimately dropped.  Send. Him. Home. RIGHT. NOW.

One of my favorite things I ever heard Oprah say was when someone shows you who they are, believe them.  Or, when someone tells you who they are, believe them.  Des, he just told you who he is.  Believe him.  This dude is BAD NEWS.  Most (and I mean most) of domestic violence charges are ultimately dropped because the victim ends up recanting their statement out of fear.  On a side note, ladies, if a man tells you his first wife mysteriously died, please run. Don’t walk.  Run.  Anyway, Brad, you gotta go.

Chris steals Des away and takes her to the roof (PS – where has Chris been,?! He’s totally adorbs!)  Brooks shows up upon discharge from the hospital, hopped up on drugs and loving it.  Date rose goes to Chris.  In typical, predictable fashion, Chris and Des head to private concert.

Things less predictable than the Bachelor:

  • The sun will rise every day
  • It will snow in Minnesota sometime every year
  • Babies will turn into adults
  • The sun will set every day
  • I will get a blister if I run more than 4 miles

The next day, Des is back at her house, sketching (obviously) when the phone rings.  It’s the Almighty Chris Harrison.  Des learns that Brian has a girl friend. The HORRORS!  Dun dun dun. Des puts on the WORST pair of flesh-colored pants I’ve ever seen.  I mean, really, they were the WORST pants! She heads to the mansion to confront Brian.  Meanwhile, Chris leads Brian’s “girl friend,” Stephanie, through the mansion so that she too can try to become famous for a hot second confront Brian.

Stephanie accuses Brian of lying.  Brian says their relationship is in the past.  Stephanie says she tried to break up with him a day before he came on the show.  Well then why do you care Steph!?  And also, you later claim you didn’t know he was coming on the show, yet you just said you tried to break up with him the day before he came on the show.  Get it straight Steph!  Steph tries to work up hysterics and starts asking why he does not care about Donovan!  Think about Donovan!   Donovan is Steph’s kid (although, he’s not Brian’s child).  Steph says Brian told him he was headed to a business conference.   Then she accuses Brian of picking up girls at strip clubs.  Seriously, what is this.  Springer?

Brian tells Chris that Steph threw rocks at his face.  Steph proudly agrees that she did in fact throw rocks at his face.  I instantly think that Steph took that trashy bumper sticker too literally:

rocks

They accuse each other of dating other people, and Stephanie again says she tried to break up with him.  Ok, then Stephanie, you are broken up!  Leave!  You look psychotic.  And Brian, you must go too.  Not because I actually think you are still with this psychopath, but because you apparently continued to date her after she threw ROCKS at you.  ROCKS!  Man, I got in trouble for threatening to throw spaghetti at my sister once.  Could you imagine if it were rocks?  Anyway, Des and Chris Harrison decide Brian’s time is up.  They call in security and escort Brian to the big black van.  As Brian hastily packs, we get a glimpse into the nasty cesspool where the guys sleep.  I can’t imagine what that filth smells like.

Steph screams one more time “what should she tell Donovan!!!!”  Then she happily waves goodbye to the camera.

Meanwhile, severely unstable Brandon starts crying when he thinks of poor Donovan.  He does not want anyone else to leave him. ABC, this is a low blow.  This dude needs major psychological help.  He should join a support group with AshLee.

Des awkwardly leaves for the one-on-one date with #hashtag Kasey.

Kasey: Love Defies Gravity (umm, actually no it does not)

This date is pretttty boring.  So my comments will be brief and mostly will be about Kasey’s hair. Seriously, it’s sooo spiky and tall.

bachelorette-kasey-w352

All that hair reminded me of one of my favorite childhood movies, Airplane.  One of the characters sniffed glue and he looked like this after:

lloyd bridges airplane 1

But my mom thought that maybe Kasey was a descendant of a porcupine:

North-American-porcupine-in-snow

But either way if you are compared to a glue sniffer or a porcupine, it’s probably time for a different hair style.  Rose for Kasey.

Group Date: Who’s the Lone Man Standing? 

A stage-coach picks up the group (Zak, Bryden, Juan Pablo, James, Dan).

The guys show up (no pun intended for this Wild West date!) to find Des in clothes from the Wild West/ American Frontier era.  James, clearly not a history buff, proclaims Des is in clothes from the 1900’s.  So close James, so close.  The boys change into some cowboy clothes (some of their pants are threatening the family jewels).  Yeehaw.  They learn some stunts and we learn that Zak, also a victim of spiky/ tall hair, looks much better in a hat.   The boys reenact a shootout and Des chooses Juan Pablo as the lone ranger.  Juan Pablo and Des have some alone time watching some creepy movie in a barn featuring a cowboy with a clown-face.  Romance!

At the after party, Bryden displays a MUCH better hair style.  Is the theme of this post “hair”?  I seem to be obsessed.  Zak and Des have a playful, lighthearted convo.  They are either both drunk (likely) or already have a strong bond (less likely).  James tells Des his father is dying back home.  I wish Des would send James home right now.  He should be with his family, not on this dumb show! But alas, a rose for James.

Pool Party!

Instead of a cocktail party, Des realizes she needs to work on her tan.  She throws a pool party.  But first she goes on a drive with Ben and makes out with him in her Bentley.  For a second straight time, Ben finishes kissing Des and says,  “remember, it’s our secret.”  Ew.  That’s what a sexual predator says to a victim.  Don’t tell mommy or daddy!  This is our little secret!  Yuck.  Unfortunately, the federal prosecutor and Mikey, both still obsessed with Ben, “catch” Ben kissing Des.  These dudes need a life.  Once again, they confront Ben.  It’s not even worth writing about.

Unstable Brandon pulls Des aside for his 12th cry of the day. He tells Des how upset he is over Brian’s unconscionable decision to come on this show without considering Stephanie’s child.  Brandon tells her he’s falling in love with her.  Cue the groans.  We realize Brandon is creepier than “guard and protect her heart,” Casey.  Then, in the most awkward kiss this season, Brandon tells Des he needs to tell her a secret.  Des actually thinks he’s telling her a secret so she turns her head but really Brandon went in for a kiss.  Yikes.

Des realizes Brandon needs immediate psychiatric attention and puts Brandon in touch with AshLee’s shrink.  ABC gives Brandon a tranquilizer before the rose ceremony and removes all sharp objects (except Kasey’s hair) from the house.  Des sends Brandon and Dan home.

Brandon is in shock.  He tells Des she is making a giant mistake.  Or dodging a giant bullet.  All a matter of perspective, folks!           Brandon, please, please please, call AshLee.  It’s a match made in Bachelor heaven!

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