It’s week two on Des’ quest to find “true love.” Or fame. Or Chris Harrison. Or a new wardrobe. Chris Harrison greets the men the morning after the first rose ceremony. He has to side-step a pile of vomit where The Dipper threw up (recall, the dipper failed miserably at dipping Des and then drowned his sorrows in some sort of amber-colored liquor.) Chris Harrison comes in to explain how the show operates, in case any of these men have never seen an episode in the past 57 years. Brooks is the lucky fella who gets the first one on one date.
First one on one: Brooks
Brooks borrows some of Des’ hair product to slick his hair back for the date. Des whisks him away in her barbie blue convertible and off they go. PS- Brooks was genius to wear all that product in his hair. It didn’t move an inch in that dreadful convertible wind! Also, I have to say I think Brooks is mildly adorable. At least looking – I am not comfortable commenting on his personality yet (which I’ll probably dislike!)
Des takes Brooks to a bridal salon. Gosh, every man’s dream – shopping and weddings. After they get suited up in a tux and wedding dress, they did what everyone always does on first dates. They hit up a wedding cake food truck and hang out with some Bachelor franchise fans. Like every season before, ABC sends Des and Brooks to the Hollywood sign. While Brooks tells Des about his past relationships, I realize his outfit reminds me of a cross between a movie theater usher and Colonel Sanders. Fried chicken and buttered popcorn would make this date so much more interesting.
The date continues through the ghetto of LA. They drive to a bridge where chandeliers hang and dinner is set for two. I can only assume that location was chosen because it’s such an unsafe neighborhood that no cars travel across the bridge or the bridge is unsafe for vehicles. Either way, it’s odd. Brooks opens up about his troubled relationship with his father. He’s very articulate. Brooks for Bachelor!!!! Brooks get a rose. Then, when I think the date is over, Des feigns surprise as she hears music in the distance. In more predictable Bachelor fashion, ABC has a private concert staged for the date. I can’t tell you how many first dates I’ve been on where a band appears. Yawn.
Back at the mansion, the date card comes. A million people we don’t remember from the first night are listed on the card.
Des puts on the worst dress possible paired with the ugliest shoes. I guess that’s supposed to be her rapper’s girlfriend dress? I don’t know. All I know is this date will haunt me for the rest of my life. The boys and Dezzz (her new rap name) will star in a rap video with Soulja Boy. The rap video is called “for the right reasons.” This is the most G rated rap song I’ve ever heard. Some of the men (really really white men) stay behind to learn dance moves and four guys go inside to be the rap stars.
Brandon decides he doesn’t need to wear pants. ABC decides a black privacy box is necessary or else the FCC will come calling. Kate decides Brandon needs to go home immediately.
The first rap scene is Ben and Des dressed up in cowboy gear. Nothing says rap/ hip-hop like cowboys! Giddy up, Dezzz. Second scene is Mikey in a lounge chair and Dezzz in a bikini. Third scene is federal prosecutor Michael, who is a self-proclaimed white boy. And finally, we are subjected to Brandon and the very very necessary black privacy bar. I just do not understand why he wasn’t wearing pants. Please. Put. Pants. On. Dezz does some lame rap and I sigh that I’ll never get these 30 minutes back.
At the “rap” party (pun intended) ABC ensures the guys have plenty of alcohol to drink so they can properly embarrass themselves. Shirtless dude, Zak, pulls Des aside and gives her an antique journal. There is an inscription from a father to his daughter wishing her free flowing words. I sure hope that father didn’t see this episode. I think he’d be pretty disappointed to see his daughter did not have one single free flowing thought.
Meanwhile, Brandon starts to exhibit craziness. He says love is like a butterfly. If you hold it too tight, it will get squished, if you hold it too loose, it will fly away.
Ben “swoops” in and steals Des from Mikey. Mikey goes on a campaign to rally all other men against Ben. Mikey proclaims he is the one with the biggest neck, uses the most steroids, has the most mob connections and thus should win all the roses from this day forward. Or else a horse head might end up in your bed.
Brandon shows his crazy again by talking about his dysfunctional family/ upbringing. Brandon says he didn’t expect to “fall in like with her this soon.” You read that right, fall in like. Cue the groans. Ben gets the group date rose. Mike calls the don to start the hit against Ben. Damn it feels good to be a
Second one on one- Bryden and his bad hair
Worst. Haircut. Ever. Bryden and Des take off in the Bentley for a road trip. Bryden is sporting a yellow v-neck, nipples blazing. Seriously. If your nipples show that much, maybe an undershirt is necessary? Des has on the cutest hot pink dress. That’s all I really take away from this date.
Blah blah blah. Bryden tells Des about a terrible car accident he was in and shows her pictures of his severe head injuries. Romance and head staples go very well together. Rose for Bryden.
Brian’s hair is so slicked back I can only assume he runs a funeral home or is starring in a production of the Addams family later. Prosecutor Michael pulls Des aside to tell her life altering information. He hopes she can handle it. She may never look at him again. This will change the course of their relationship. He is a person with….type 1 diabetes. GASP! The horrors! Ok, that’s sarcasm. I’m not downplaying the seriousness of diabetes, but I mean come on. Meanwhile, Mikey is back to plotting against Ben. He downloads the app “what would Don Corleone do,” just to be safe.
Ben comes in and steals Des from Michael, who yells, “I object!” Ben schmoozes Des by telling her he’s so happy they have a secret together– the secret being they shared a kiss together. Oddly enough Des also shares this “secret” with Brooks and Bryden. (Sidenote – why do all the men “in on the secret” have names that start with a B?!) I got a major used car salesman vibe from Ben during this scene.
Michael the prosecutor demonstrates his jealousy and insecurity by attacking Ben. They are so appalled that Ben could possibly want more time with Des. How DARE he! He wants to spend time with Des??? Well he MUST be there for the wrong reasons!
Additional roses went to James, #Kasey, Dan, Juan Pablo, Brad, Chris, Craig, Zak, Drew, Mikey, Zack, Michael and Brandon.