I Feel Just Like Cinderella

Ladies and Gentleman, the greatest trashiest show to ever grace prime time is BACK starring Sean’s reject Desiree (Des for short ’cause we’re BFF like that). It’s been two and a half months since Chris Harrison spent Monday night with us. So much has happened in that time. The Bachelor mansion was thoroughly sanitized after ABC executives inspected with a black light. Catherine and Sean are still in a fake relationship. Emotionally damaged AshLee has found new love in angry, but incredibly good-looking Brad (circa Em and Deanna). Let’s hope “this man” has a good set of earplugs. And last but not least, ABC scoured Craigstlist for the creepiest men under the age of 35 to present to Des.

To refresh your recollection, here’s what we know about Des:

  • Her brother might be certifiable (and he most certainly ruined Des’ relationship with Sean)
  • Her parents have been married forever and they are still totally like majorly in love
  • She grew up in a tent
  • She no longer has bangs (those were so 2012, come on)
  • She drives a beat up silver Honda Civic (That is until the Almighty Chris Harrison saves the day and generously gives Des the most adorable aqua Bentley convertible ever created). Side note: I would totally sign up for this show if it meant I could drive a car that seems like it was made for Barbie
  • She is NOT that kind of girl.

The show starts in a predictable fashion. First, a montage of all the drama poor Des must endure to find her fake boyfriend for six months tops prince charming. Someone has a girlfriend, someone isn’t there for the right reasons, someone is more into guys than girls, someone wishes Emily was the Bachelorette, someone is hoping their lame band will become successful, etc. Second, we see a montage of Des falling in love. ABC realizes this part is boring so they speed through the love portion. Next ABC makes us all relive Des’ rejection from Sean (where we are also reminded that bangs are definitely the right choice for Des).

Chris gives her the fun and adorable Bentley convertible that I’m sure Elle Woods would approve of and sends Des down the highway of love. After I get over my car envy (I mean, it’s not like my Hyundai Elantra isn’t great or anything…) I refocus on the horror before my screen. The most annoying song is playing, something like isn’t she cray- cray – crazy beautifullll over the most annoying montage ever. We’re forced to watch Des roller skate, chase birds, shop for junk, pensively stroll on the beach, and sketch palm trees. I’m suddenly very nostalgic for Sean’s abs, pecs and countless shower scenes. Those were much more interesting.

Des calls herself Cinderella one too many times and puts on her most sparkly disco-ball dress she has in the closet. Bring on the men. Or whatever you want to call these people.

The slim pickings prospects

Since there were so many losers colorful characters (seriously, is this the most lame group of bachelors ever compiled?) I decided to only highlight the most memorable dudes.

The Magic Guy

NICK R.

Nick from Chicago.  Magic Nick’s name is pretty self-explanatory.  He has two passions in life- making magic and making fine Italian suits.  Speaking of Italian, Magic Nick might be a long-lost Italian cousin of the Baldwins.  Proof that Nick knows nothing about women, he says he hopes Des can be his [magician] assistant.  Gee, every girl’s fairy tale come true!

The Naked Guy

ZAK

Zak from the middle of no where.  You know what I love about Zak?  He fulfills every girl’s fantasy about meeting her husband. Just imagine the story Des can tell:  The first time I saw my future husband he pulled up in a stretch limo.  I was dressed in a long formal, sparkling silver gown.  He stepped out and I saw his tux-clad legs and as his abs were a blazing.  He came up to me and uttered the words I found irresistable, “will you accept these abs?”  I nearly melted. How romantic.  He was so eager to see me he couldn’t even bother to put on a shirt.  Unfortunately he had to leave at 11:00 PM to get to his Chip ‘n’ Dale performance.  But first he took his pants off and jumped in the pool– just so I knew how serious he was about me.

The I Want to Rape-Date You Guy

JONATHAN

Jonathon from North Carolina.  Nothing says southern gentleman than an attempt at rape-date.  Seriously.  This guy is creeptastic.  Jonathon playfully handed Des a card when he exited the limo asking her to join him in the fantasy suite.  At first it seemed mildly amusing until the conversation turned to this:

  • Jonathon: Des, I think we should make out.
  • Des: No, I told you, I am not that kind of girl.
  • Jonathon: Ok, but seriously, I want to take you to the fantasy suite.  I want to creep you out.
  • Des: Seriously, stop.  You have the wrong idea.
  • Jonathon: Wrong ideas seem so right.  Come in this dark room with me.  I have a ruffie ready for you to take.
  • Des: You need to leave.  Right now.

On his way to the reject van, Jonathan can’t comprehend what went wrong.  He says, “my mom says I’m good-looking.”  Well gee Jonathon, if your mom says you’re good-looking, I guess that gives you a license to sexually harass people!  PS – you can’t trust people who don’t smile in photos.

The Dip Guy

LARRY

Larry from Cali.  Oh Larry.  You are a dip.  Poor Larry practiced with 50 different women to perfect the art of dipping a woman.  Unfortunately, the 51st time isn’t the charm.  Lar stepped out of the limo, twirled Des around and went in for the dip.  And dip he did.  Des’ dress got all tangled up, ripped and she looked beyond perturbed.  Larry had a solution though.  Alcohol.  Poor guy went into the mansion, drank all the free liquor he could get and then tried to talk to Des about the dip disaster.  The conversation consisted of Larry taking his glasses on and off.  And on and off again.  And on and off again.  The Dipper felt relieved that Rape-Date guy was around to make himself look mildly better.  Maybe stick to a handshake next time Larry.  And contact lenses.

The Hashtag Guy:

KASEY

Kasey from Cali.  Wow.  As I’m writing this list, I thought to myself could these guys get any worse?  Does ABC secretly hate Des?  Why did they do this to her?  Anyway, before we proceed, I need to explain what a hashtag is to my Mother.  Mom, click here for a hashtag lesson.  This guy claimed to be some sort of social media buff and as a result, he felt the need to add a hashtag to everything.  #annoying.  #nowaywilldeseverpickyou. #hashtagsaresolastyear. #pleaseneversayhashtagagain.  And yes mom, when you hashtag, it’s all one word. #hashtaglesson

The Knight Guy:

DIOGO

Diogo from Cali.  I just saw on his bio that he is 20 years old.  WHAT?  Why was he even allowed on the show?  Don’t you need to be 21?  Alcohol flows like water!  UGH!  Cue the groans!  This guy isn’t ready to get married.  This guy is ready to purchase his first legal beverage!  Anyway, Diogo showed up in a knight in shining armor costume.  Cue some more groans.  He could barely walk or see.  Honey, I’m just gonna put this out there.  I think Des wants a partner, not a knight.  Des isn’t in need of rescuing or saving.  She’s not a helpless dame trapped in a tower.  And also, this isn’t a Disney movie.  Take your white horse and hit the road.

The Child Exploiter Guy:

BEN

Ben from Texas.  Ben is cute.  I’ll give him that.  But that’s all I’m giving him.  Well, and his son was adorable.  But that’s where the flattery ends.  Ben used his child to introduce himself to Des.  That’s not confusing at all for a three-year old.  Not to mention Ben said he had his child with a good friend.  As though it was just some random act.  Like, hey feel like grabbing a beer tonight? No?  Ok, well do you want to have a baby instead?  Ok great!  And if the promos are to be believed, Ben is the new Bentley.  Oooo I love me a good villain!

The rest of the guys didn’t act bizarre enough to make the above list.  But man, Des’ options are l.i.m.i.t.e.d.  I think she should quit the show and wait until Sean’s abs become available again.  See you next week!!!!!

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