It’s the Women Tell
Nothing All show. What will we learn tonight? Will we learn why Tierra has a dent on her forehead? Will we learn why Tierra can’t control her eyebrow? Will we learn what Kacie B’s next desperate act will be? Will we learn what AshLee DOES consider a silly game? Will we learn if Sean prefers waxing or shaving to obtain that smooth torso? Will we learn if Des cut her brother out of the will? Or will we only confirm that which we already know: Tierra is delusional, AshLee is a mean girl, Sarah has the personality of a slug (I don’t even know what that means, but I can only argue a slug has no personality at all), the fifty shade of intoxication girl is still single, and Leslie has nice hair. Only time will tell, friends!
The Almighty Chris Harrison greeted his live viewing audience, consisting of middle-aged women and three men (what did those men do wrong to end up there?) and the drunk rejected Bachelorettes. Chris sported the most hideous 80’s tie I’ve ever seen. Come on Chris, you’re better than that!
Chris rolls footage of Sean crashing Bachelor viewing parties. Instantly, I look around the room at my viewing party: three ladies, all wearing sweatpants, sweatshirts, no make-up, and we’ve each just consumed two giant bowls of chili. Sean wouldn’t even be able to HANDLE all that sexy. For Sean’s sake, I silently prayed the doorbell wouldn’t ring. Sean’s crashing continues to various locations, including a party full of middle school girls and a sorority house (that wasn’t annoying AT ALL!). Sean says he “humbled” by all these people invested in his quest to find love. He cannot believe all these people care about his journey to find his wife. Oh Sean, that’s so
naive sweet that you think that’s why people watch this show…
Back at the live studio audience, the rejected Bachelorettes are introduced to the audience. It appears all the girls went to the same blow-out bar prior to the show’s taping. Long loose curls all around!
First in the hot seat: Tierra and her eyebrow
CH begins his direct examination of Tierra.
- Chris: Tierra, you had a really hard time getting along with the other girls in the house. You said it’s because you have so much sparkle. Can you explain that?
- Tierra: It’s difficult for me because I walk into a room and light it up.
- Chris: Shine bright like a diamond, shine bright like a diamond. Shine bright like a diamoonnnnd.
- Tierra: Exactly. Rihanna actually wrote that song about me.
- Chris: Are you delusional?
- Tierra: I don’t want to be friends with girls.
- Chris: Why do you make it so hard to like you?
- Tierra: I stayed true to Tierra. I have nothing to apologize for. Tierra sparkles.
- Chris: But there were a lot of incidents with the girls. You wouldn’t even say hi to them when they walked in the room.
- Tierra: I can’t remember everything that happened. I don’t even remember how I got the dent on my forehead or why it’s no longer visible to the viewing audience.
- Chris: You can’t remember fighting with all the girls?
- Tierra: Look, “I was focused on Sean and I’s connection.” I said “I’s” because I can’t remember everything, like grammar. All I know is when I was a little girl, I was Miss Nevada and boy did I sparkle. I sparkled even more than Honey Boo Boo.
- Chris: Who is the victim who gave you that monstrosity on your hand?
- Tierra: “I got a good man, that’s all that matters.”
That’s all that matters? In life? For the purpose of the show? Oh god. I need to watch different TV shows! And also? Worst. Ring. Ever. It looks like it came out of the “pretty princess” Halloween costume package.
Second in the hot seat: Sarah
I have two nice things to say about Sarah – her makeup looked beautiful and I loved her nail polish color. That’s all the nice things I can say. Why are we wasting our time talking to Sarah? Why was her departure more meaningful than Des? Or Leslie? Or anyone who made it further than Sarah? Sarah tells Chris every time she is rejected, she always falls back on “well I only have one arm.” I will say it one more time, and then I’m done talking about this FOREVER. It. is. not. your. arm. SARAH. It is your p-e-r-s-o-n-a-l-i-t-y. Or lack there of. You are boring! Yes, on the surface you seem like a sweet girl. But beyond that what is there to talk about? Nothing! Maybe you should get in contact with AshLee’s psychotherapist.
Third in the hot seat: Des
Des! Where are your bangs? I hardly recognize you! Des is gracious and has nothing but sweet things to say about Sean, her experience on the show, and even her brother. (PS – I now randomly like to respond to things my boyfriend says with the comment, “You’re just a playboy, aren’t you?” He’s totally confused. And I just laugh and laugh and laugh!) I like Des more after the interview, but unfortunately that doesn’t leave me with anything funny to write about. Well played, Des.
Fourth in the hot seat: AshLee and her ombre hair.
In her spare time, AshLee has scoured Pintrest to find just the right picture for her ombre hair. She also decided hair extensions were a must-have. Chris begins his usual line of leading questions:
- Chris: You were
obsessedcrazy about Sean right from the beginning. Tell us about that.
- Ash: Immediately, I knew he would be my prince charming. I was searching in his eyes and the whole time I was thinking “I’ve got this.”
- Chris: Wow – you were wrong. Do you think all the antidepressants clouded your judgement?
- Ash: No. After watching, the “guy’s not quite who I thought he was.” When he was with the other girls, “he kind of acted like a frat boy.”
- Chris: You mean because he laughed and seemed to enjoy himself? And because frat boys are generally fun people? And you are anti-fun?
- Ash: This man is a playboy.
- Chris: I thought you were in love with “this man.”
- Ash: I’m not in love with “this man” anymore.
Chris decides it’s time to bring out Sean while AshLee’s eyes still appear wild and unpredictable.
- Sean: Hey Ash, your hair is 5 different colors.
- Ash: I felt dishonored by you. What really disappointed me was that you never came back and you never checked on me. You’re a gentleman. You’re from the SOUTH. You’re supposed to be a man here. You were supposed to be “this man.”
- Sean: I knew checking on you would make things worse and harder. And you looked like you would kill if given the opportunity. Plus you are kind of mean.
- Ash: Why did you say you had ABSOLUTELY no feelings for them?
- Sean: I didn’t say that. And I wouldn’t say that.
- Ash: Oh Sean, come on. You said, there is absolutely nothing between those two.
- Sean: I would never say that.
- Ash: So you’re a liar. You are a liar. YOU ARE A LIAR SEAN. Your EYES said there was NOTHING between those two.
Chris tells the ABC producers that AshLee is sitting too close on the couch and the proximity is violating the order for protection. ABC producers ask AshLee to move back 15 feet. AshLee glares from the reject gallery and plots
Sean’s death her revenge.
Sean wipes the bead of sweat off his brow and shudders in relief that he didn’t pick AshLee.
ABC ends the show with bloopers. But all anyone wants to see is this:
Oh and this:
A little bit of this:
Some of this:
A touch of that:
And finally THIS:
Next week it’s the FINAL ROSE! Who will end up with the Neil Lane? Who will end up as the next Bachelorette? Will Sean walk down the aisle shirtless? See you next week!