Mr. Big said it best:
After a while, you just wanna be with the one that makes you laugh. But more on that later.
The blonde Bachelor finds himself in the South of Thailand, where he will find himself a wife (or in the alternative, a special Thai lady friend). A pensive Sean, wearing a neon blue man-tank, takes in the sights around him while contemplating his remaining three women. Sean says Catherine is “a little weird and goofy,” which he finds endearing because he too is weird and goofy. Sean describes AshLee as
terrifying having a big heart. Sean also says AshLee is someone who was once abandoned, someone who is vulnerable, someone who has learned to trust, someone who is no longer broken, and someone who is no longer scared. When it comes to Lindsay, Sean is in awe of their relationship. In the beginning, he thought Lindsay was crazy, and not the good crazy. To Sean, Lindsay is more than a wedding dress. She’s a girl who talks in a baby voice AND wears a wedding dress.
ABC treats us to some shirtless pool shots of Sean, where I notice Sean’s physique is not what it used to be! Where did the amazing abs go? Is that a little beer gut I see? Has all this wining and dining and emotional baggage known as AshLee taken a toll on Sean’s best feature?! Say it ain’t so! AshLee’s gotta go!
First Date: Lindsay
Lindsay shows up in a totally adorbs mint colored skirt. Lindsay and Sean head to the Si Kao Market, where Lindsay breaks the cardinal rule – she tells ABC what her fear is and then ABC builds a date around that fear. If I am ever on the Bachelor I’m going to feign a fear of shopping. It will be glorious! Anyway, Lindsay divulges that she won’t eat a bug. And considering Lindsay didn’t sign up for “Fear Factor,” this shouldn’t be a problem…until ABC makes it a problem. While strolling the market Lindsay says that this date is great because if they end up together their vacations will be just like this! That’s true Lindsay, I’m sure your exotic trips to Thailand will always be paid for by ABC, sweetheart. Back to the bug thing – the couple conveniently stumbles upon the bug booth and Sean makes Lindsay eat some of the critters. Lindsay gags the bug down and Sean declares Lindsay wife material. Afterall, if your wife won’t eat a bug for you, who will?
The rest of the date Lindsay spends attempting to tell Sean she loves him. First, she tries baby sign-language but Sean doesn’t understand. Next, she tries baby babble but Sean still doesn’t understand. Sean tells Lindsay she’s the “best friend that [he’s] been looking for.” That makes me feel really sad for whomever considered themselves Sean’s actual best friend. My guess is the best friend has known Sean longer than a month? Just a guess.
Finally it’s time for dinner/ the presentation of the fantasy suite card. In preparation for the fantasy suite, Lindsay wears her negligee to dinner. Time is presh – don’t waste it! As Lindsay finally prepares herself for the perfect moment to tell Sean she loves him, the cast of “The King and I” appears and dances around them. Ironically, Lindsay says she feels like she’s in a movie. Yes, it’s called “The King and I!”
The real magic happens moments later. Ladies, the fantasy suite card is now upon us. Sean hands Lindsay the
golden ticket carefully crafted envelope instructing Lindsay, “If you choose to forgo your individual rooms please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite,” signed CHRIS HARRISON. Oh Chris! You are so thoughtful! PS, if you were on this show, you’d totally want to be the first date. Could you imagine being third? Sick. The only thing that could be worse than being third would be having the date after Tierra. Although, if US Weekly has any credibility, I suppose nobody should be too concerned. See below:
Moving on. Back at the fantasy suite, Lindsay tells Sean she has something to tell him. She’s secretly 14. No wait, that’s not it. She loves him. Absurd Disney sounding music begins to play. That always happens to me too!
Sean shows up for his date in his 208th deep-v t-shirt from the Gap. He must be in some sort of rewards program. AshLee takes the 80’s approach with a cropped top and shorty shorts. AshLee drones on and on about Sean being her
torture victim soulmate. Sean takes AshLee to a cave and tells her they are going to swim through it. AshLee is, shockingly, scared. Because of this fear, she needs to talk some more about her fears, abandonment and trust. Luckily AshLee’s flotation devices are always attached, so there is no need to worry about her drowning.
The dark cave provides a million cliches for us to make fun of. AshLee says this relationship is unknown and it’s like going down a dark alley. Sean says they turn a corner (in the cave AND in their relationship) and they found “the light at the end of the tunnel.” Cue. The. Groans. Times two.
Sean and AshLee come out of the cave (am I the only liberal arts kid who immediately started thinking about the Allegory of the Cave?) Later, the doomed couple meet for dinner. AshLee shows up wearing a giant cursive necklace. I spend the next 10 minutes ignoring the dialogue and attempting to read the necklace. What does it say!? Trust? Sean? Broken? Ok focus, Kate. Ash is concerned about Sean spending the night with other people and she says that doesn’t “set” well with her heart. I can only assume she means “sit.” Despite her concerns and poor grammar, AshLee accepts the fantasy suite card but promises to leave room for the Holy Spirit. As if AshLee hasn’t freaked Sean out enough, AshLee decides it’s time to tell Sean to tell Neil Lane what kind of ring she wants. In case you were wondering, she wants a cushion cut in a halo setting and her ring size is 6.5. You weren’t wondering? Oh darn, neither was Sean. Sean laughs nervously and then goes to the bathroom to throw up.
After the date, Ash tells the camera that “this man,” has changed her life. “This man” is amazing. She will do anything to make “this man” happy. Then in her most profound statement yet, Ash declares “This man has literally healed [her] broken heart.” I had NO IDEA Sean was a heart surgeon? He LITERALLY healed you? Sean has so many hidden talents/ professions!
Date Three: Catherine
Sean is completely and utterly relieved to be free from AshLee and the 10000 pounds of heavy she carries around with her, he practically throws himself at Catherine. Betraying his best friend Lindsay, Sean describes Catherine also as his best friend. Sean, every girl knows you can only have ONE best friend! Friendship necklaces split in two, NOT THREE. But Sean also likes Catherine because she’s weird and he’s weird too. Here is a possible quote that could be read at their wedding:
“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”
You’re welcome. At dinner, Sean tells Catherine he could see himself marrying her. WOW – well if he doesn’t pick Catherine, his other pick is going to be pretttty upset after hearing that. Catherine brings up the fantasy suite issue and tells Sean thinking about this hanky panky makes her nervous and she still wants to be seen as a lady. But Catherine decides her reputation doesn’t really matter and accepts Chris Harrison’s invitation. Catherine and Sean spend the night making out in a Thai pool, calling Sean beefy and hunky. Beef, it’s what’s for dinner.
Shirtless Sean tells the camera he woke up the morning of the rose ceremony and knew who he needed to send home. If it’s not AshLee, I’m prepared to watch the final episode with earplugs in. I can’t deal with any more of her. I. Just. Can’t. Sean meets up with Chris Harrison, who was in the middle of a thai massage, and tells Chris he’s ready to hand out two roses. Chis is angry about the interruption so he forces Sean to watch video messages from all three ladies, even though Sean already knows who he is kickin’ to the curb. First, we watch Lindsay’s carefree message in baby talk. Sean smiles as he watches Lindsay. Second, we watch Catherine’s carefree message about Sean being a “mega hunk,” and how thinking about him gives her the “wiggles.” Sean again smiles as he watches Catherine. Third, we watch AshLee’s
involuntary commitment evidence heartfelt message to Sean. AshLee cannot imagine one day without Sean. AshLee believes that “together we are whole.” AshLee cannot get through a single sentence without crying. Is there a pill for this? If so, give it to her. Immediately. As I watch Sean’s PAINED expression, I feel 90% confident AshLee is out of there. Sean was practically turning green over the thought of AshLee’s impending trip to the psych ward.
Chris Harrison kicks off the rose ceremony and informs us this is the final rose ceremony of the season. No! AshLee shows up at the rose ceremony and felt it was time to bring out the big guns. Seriously. There was so much boob, it was like she was a nursing mother. First rose to Lindsay (LOVE the dress Lindsay!), second rose to Catherine. No rose to Ms. Perky, who is suddenly very less perky and instantly regrets showing all of America her boobs at the rose ceremony. AshLee’s eyes turn to daggers and her face turns to ice. As my mom said, “if looks could kill…”
AshLee storms off and tells Sean to just. stay. there. Sean follows after her and tries to explain his decision. AshLee remains stone cold, showcasing the most evil glare we’ve ever seen in Bachelor history, and gets into the limo without a single word or tear. In the reject Limo, Ash says, “this wasn’t a silly game to me. This wasn’t about a joy ride and about laughter and joking and having fun.” Yes AshLee, you made that abundantly clear! What guy would want their future wife to laugh, joke and have fun? How DARE Sean! The ABC psychotherapist gives AshLee a heavy does of antidepressants and some Xanax and removes all sharp objects from the limo. But seriously Ash, at the end of the day, we just want to be with the person who makes us laugh. And nervous laughter doesn’t count.
Women Tell ALL next week! Will AshLee still be heartbroken? Has she worn out her Sean voodoo doll? Will the pastor parents put a bounty on Sean?