It’s hometown date week!!!!! The only thing better than hometown dates? Fantasy suite dates, duh! Sean has four mediocre women left, one of whom could be his wife. Of course statistically speaking she’s more likely to sprout wings and fly to the moon than become Sean’s wife, but who cares about stats??! This is LOVE people! Love conquers stats! Everyone knows that.
First Hometown Date: AshLee in Houston
AshLee says that before meeting Sean she had no idea what real true love was. Wow – I’m not sure whether to laugh or to cry. Hey AshLee, this is NOT REAL TRUE LOVE. At this point, Sean can’t believe he actually has to go to Houston to visit AshLee but ABC has not found a psychotherapist willing to ride in the rejection limo with AshLee. After ABC decides it’s too risky to dump AshLee, Sean is sent to Houston.
AshLee is so excited about bringing this man home to her family. She can’t wait to introduce this man to her family. This man is so great. I want a man as great as this man. AshLee plops Sean down on a blanket to talk about how she’s no longer broken and how she trusts this man. Ash says Sean is the man to protect her heart. Actually Ash, I have the man for you. Kasey from Ali’s season. He will definitely guard and protect your heart! For a reminder, click here.
Has anyone else noticed that Sean and AshLee have never had a conversation that wasn’t about AshLee’s dysfunction? Seriously, run Sean. Sean goes to AshLee’s family to meet her Pastor Pop and Mom. AshLee completely over shares with her parents, creeping them and the audience out:
- AshLee: We rolled around in the sand and I could feel Sean getting really excited. You guys know what I mean?
- Sean (laughing nervously): We were just having fun.
- Mother: Sean, I’m going to need to speak with you later.
- AshLee: Seriously, we were all OVER each other Mom! It was great!
After telling Sean to refrain from more sand-rolling with her daughter, AshLee’s mom says she wants AshLee’s heart to be loved, protected, and sheltered. Seriously – call Kacey. Nuff said. Preaching Pappa warns Sean that if he doesn’t pick her, Dad will have to do a lot of emotional repair and he can’t be away from his congregation that long. Sean and Dad talk about AshLee’s teenage marraige. Dad says he signed off on the marriage because he felt like that was the best option but he probably would have done things differently if he had to do it all over again. You PROBABLY would do this differently???? At this point I got very worried about the congregation in Houston who turns to this pastor for guidance. Does it really show good judgment to allow your teenage daughter to marry her teenage boyfriend?!
AshLee has no doubt that she wants to marry this man immediately. Sean leaves confused as to who this man is.
Second Hometown Date: Catherine – Seattle
Sean shows up in Seattle wearing some tight pants and showcasing some serious man-thigh. The duo heads to the Public Market to catch some slimmy fish. The fish-men seriously whip the fish at Sean but Sean keeps up and catches all the flying fish. Catherine has less luck but does finally catches a fish one-handed. I’m sure they both smelled delish afterwards!
At Catherine’s home, Sean meets Catherine’s Mother, Grandmother and two sisters. I am immediately distracted by the amazing looking egg rolls on the coffee table. I. Must. Have. Catherine takes her sisters into a bedroom to gush about Sean. But like all good sisters, they have other plans. They remind Catherine that she went on the show for fun, not to get engaged. Catherine feels annoyed that she has to defend the prospect of getting engaged to her boyfriend of a hot second. I mean why shouldn’t she get engaged after one date and four weeks of knowing him? Catherine’s sisters try a different tactic by telling Sean about Catherine’s flaws. What are sisters for!
- Sister 1: Catherine is very messy. She might qualify for that show “Hoarders.”
- Sister 2: Catherine has WILD mood swings. Seriously. Her PMS levels are completely out of hand. Can you handle that?
- Sister 1: Catherine will drop you like it’s hot as soon as she gets bored.
- Sean: Do you guys have anything nice to say about Catherine?
- Sisters: Yeah, she’s like super pretty.
Catherine’s Mother notices Sean doesn’t eat any egg rolls and does not give Sean her blessing to marry Catherine. Sean leaves Seattle doubting his relationship with Catherine. That’s super sad for Sean…things should definitely be certain after all this time!
Third Hometown Date: Lindsay – Fort Leonard Wood, MO
Sean heads to the middle of no where Missouri to Lindsay’s house. Sean says that Lindsay possesses many qualities he wants in his wife. Why does Sean say this about every woman on the show? It’s as though the only quality Sean looks for in a wife is that she be female.
Sean is anxious to meet Lindsay’s father because he is a two-star general. Be less nervous Sean. General Petreaus has four stars and look how his career ended… but really, Sean is nervous and I think it’s pretty telling. He’s nervous because she’s the only one he ACTUALLY likes. Lindsay has Sean put on some army apparel and pretends to be a commanding officer. It’s mildly cute but then when Lindsay starts slapping Sean’s behind over and over again it felt a little like a bad romance novel.
At 18:00, the pair heads to Lindsay’s house. Sean has no idea what time that is. At Lindsay’s house, Sean meets
The General her dad, mother and little brother. Lindsay’s mom was so happy and cheerful. I want to go hang out with Lindsay’s mom! After Sean’s meeting with Momma, Sean hears the General yell “TEN-HUT.” Sean thinks this is some football related play and ignores the command. Sean has to drop and give the General 20 for disobeying orders. After, Sean stands at attention and says, “Sir, permission to ask permission to marry your daughter, SIR.” The General tells Sean “at ease” and tells Sean to have the authority to make the decision. Sean is confused by all the military talk. The General rephrases in civilian terms and says, fine you have my blessing if Lindsay wants to get married. The General gives Sean a set of dog tags. I guess that way it will be easier to identify Sean after the General kills him?
Sean asks Lindsay if he’ll be required to get a high and tight hair-cut. Lindsay explains that marrying her won’t enlist him. Roger that. He heaves a giant sigh of relief and declares he could see himself in this family. Sir, yes sir.
Fourth Hometown Date: Des – Los Angeles
Des and Sean take a hike overlooking the Hollywood sign. After, Des takes Sean back to her house (which, by the way, is much much nicer than a tent). A few minutes after Sean arrives some guy appears at the door. Initially I think to myself, wow he’s cute! I like his dark curly hair and Des should totally get back together with him. But then the poor acting made me realize quickly this was a joke. It would have been so much more hilarious if it was actually real!
Des’ family shows up, which includes her mother, father and
freaky lovely brother. Des sits down with her charmer of a brother (hey bro, are you single?) and she tells him Sean makes her happy. After consulting one of his arm tatoo quotes, the Brother says, “A lot of guys can make you happy. That’s not what it’s about.” Wait. Back up. It’s not about your sister being happy? Or finding a man who makes her happy? So your advice is this essentially: A lot of guys can make you happy…find the one who makes you UNHAPPY. In that case, man did Sean make a mistake sending home Tierra. The brother continues saying, this isn’t going to work and, “this is, like, stupid almost.” So I guess I don’t follow. Is it actually stupid? Or is it like stupid? Or is it almost stupid?
The brother takes Sean out back to show Sean what it’s like on the other side of the tracks. The brother challenges Sean to a push-up contest but when Sean wins, the bro gets angry. The brother decides he has only one option left to prove to Sean his biceps are bigger: sabotage her sister’s relationship with Sean.
- Brother: She’s into you, but you’re not into her. I don’t see any reciprocation. There is not that connection there.
- Sean: I’m crazy about your sister.
- Brother: You’re crazy about a lot of other girls. I think you’re just a playboy.
Sean becomes upset that his character was attacked. How dare the bro call him a playboy! 25 women does not a playboy make! Sean winds his arm up for a punch but decides he doesn’t want a bruised hand at the rose ceremony. Back at the dinner table, things are awkward with a capital A. Her parents start talking about the weather. Sean takes zero bites of his dinner and can’t get out the door fast enough. Ten bucks says the brother gets a rose tattoo in the near future.
At the rose ceremony Sean can’t decide who to send home. Sean sits down with the Almighty CH to seek some much needed counsel. Unfortunately CH appears stoned during the exchange. CH offers profound advice: get this right, take your time
and take a hit of this pot I bought in St. Croix. That’s why he’s paid the big bucks folks! Right as Sean is about to hand out roses, Des asks to speak to Sean. She apologizes for her brother’s behavior and Sean reassures her it’s ok…and then gives the rose to Catherine. Ouch Des, I guess it’s not ok (sidenote – you know what was ok? Des’ make-up. It was flawless!) Katie Holmes Des gets in the limo in search of Dawson answers. Without Sean, Des suddenly doesn’t know what she will do with her life. I assume you’ll do what you did four weeks ago? Oh Des, you’ll be fine. Next time leave the brother in the tent.