She Needs a Xanax and She Needs to be Sent Home

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. This season of the Bachelor is unprecedented. Chris Harrison keeps showin’ up on dates, there wasn’t a single hot tub scene this episode, and Sean was not SSS (Sean shirtless and sweating) ONCE. Not once!

Chris Harrison shows up in the hangover suite living room, and tells the girls to pack their bags. Tierra breaks into hysterics. An ambulance is called and Tierra is administered oxygen. When she finds out she’s not being sent home but rather is embarking on a world-wide adventure, Tierra’s evil laughter fills the room. Most of that didn’t happen, but seriously Tierra, what’s with the sardonic laughter? You need meds. Sean’s journey to the Bachelor pad love begins in beautiful Whitefish, Montana. The entire time I watched, I was practically drooling with envy. (I might have also been partially drooling from eating 6 Kit-Kat bars and 4 Crunch Bars in the span of 20 minutes). But seriously. How. Flipping. Gorgeous. Can I please hole-up in a lodge with my girl friends for a week at that resort? I don’t need to do anything but lounge in a fluffy white robe and sip on screw drivers. I would be so happy. Of course, I’d want Tierra’s room disinfected before I stay there. I don’t want to catch whatever is responsible for making her eyebrows that arched. Nor do I want to catch her psychosis bad attitude.

On a side note, I started thinking that it’s pretty cool that the Bachelor goes to all these amazing places all over the world, but wouldn’t it be fun if the Bachelor did an all-American season? The US has some pretty amazing places and it would be neat to see more of those highlighted. I’ve got some suggestions (duh!) to check out here!

First Date: Lindsay

You know what I love about Sean? ABC He ALWAYS does the most special things for his dates! Sean takes his relationship with Lindsay to new heights. Literally. He picks up Lindsay in a helicopter. If I were Lindsay I totally would have swooned over Sean the amazing pines and breath-taking views. The helicopter drops Lindsay and Sean off at the top of a mountain. Then, the most amazing thing happened. Julie Andrews appeared, spread her arms wide, twirled in a circle and started to sing in her heavenly voice, “The hillllls are aliveee, with the sound of musicccccccc.” Ugh, I WISH! Actually, I admired this date for its normalcy. Well, minus that fact that I’ve never been transported to the top of a gorgeous mountain by helicopter, never had a private firework display, and never had a super annoying lovely, intimate concert. But I have had dates that involved sitting on a blanket! I thought Lindsay looked really gorgeous on this date. Her eyeshadow was pretty (what’s the brand Linds???). You know what was less gorgeous? The constant baby-voice.

After the mountain top, Sean takes Lindsay inside and says he wants to “take things a little deeper.” His words folks, not mine. Oh Sean, the two-star General is going to be mad!!!! The conversation between Lindsay and Sean was sooo deep. It went like this:

    Sean: You are so amazing.
    Lindsay: I think you’re so amazing.
    * make out for a few minutes *
    Sean: I know you so well.
    Lindsay: I know you so well too.
    *make out for a few minutes *
    Sean: We have amazing conversation.
    Lindsay: We have seriously amazing conversation.
    *make out for a few minutes.

But the best Lindsay liner? When she calls Sean classy. Nothing says class like the Bachelor! PS – did you notice that at the concert the lyrics were “I want to be your cigarette/ I want to linger on your breath?” Wait – WHAT? You want to be cancer and leave a totally offensive taste in someone’s mouth? Sorry annoying country chick, I won’t be downloading that single!

Group Date: You make my heart want to puke race

The girls arrive for their group date and when Selma sees Sean she jumps on Sean faster than Tierra can fake an injury. And is the really intense headband necessary? Last I checked you were milking a goat, not skiing. Once again, the Almighty Chris Harrison shows up to give a run-down on the date. That’s weird, I thought he only showed up when the girls were in bikinis!

The girls are divided into red and blue teams and have to compete in a competition that involves canoeing, moving bales of hay, cross-cutting a log, milking a goat and drinking the bachelor kool aid milk. Poor Lesley informs all of the women in America that she needs a biology lesson after she says the goat said “he [will]” make the milk chocolate for her.

The girls jump in the canoes and prove quickly they’ve never canoed. They only have to go like 2 feet with the current of the river and yet it’s as difficult for them as it is for Kacie B to not act desperate. Eventually, the red team is pronounced the winner. Warm goat milk all around!

The blue team is sent back to the lodge. The blue team is really only upset because Tierra is at the lodge. Sean feels soooo guilty about subjecting them to Tierrable that he invites the blue team back to the cocktail party. Des, the goat milk chugger, is instantly upset that she drank the creamy warm white substance for NOTHING. Understandable Des, understandable. Never good when that happens.

Back at the lodge Tierra is writing in her burn book diary about how unfair it is that Sean is misleading her. She decides she MUST go find Sean to find out where his head is “at.” Dangling preposition and all. Tierra does what any psycho girlfriend would do. She secretly crashes the date.

Back at the party, Daniella drank all the free alcohol and cannot control her crying. What we learn? Crying works. Sean gives Daniella the rose.

Two-on-two date: Tierra and Jackie – love is a wild ride

First, Jackie is just so adorable. Second, her outfit was soooo cute! They meet Sean who is waiting for them with horses. Tierra offers to save a horse, ride a cowboy. Tierra says like 10000 times that she is on a date with her husband. Man, Tierra is UP UP UP! What did Chris slip her?

After the riding, Jackie and Sean have some one and one time. Jackie makes a bold move and decides to tell Sean about Tierra flirting with someone at the airport. It went something like this, hey TSA agent, want to give me a pat down? Do you want to check my bags? Am I going to need a full body scan?

After dinner, Tierra and Sean have some alone time. Tierra says she is scared because she has the BIGGEST heart. Seriously Tierra, I would be scared too. An enlarged heart is a serious medical condition! Tierra tells Sean her sob story about her loser druggie ex-boyfriend. He was *like*, her best friend for *like* 13 years, except for *like* the 13 years he was an intravenous drug user. In all seriousness, addiction is very very sad and tragic. But…my friends and I collectively laughed at the prospect of Sean bringing Tierra home to meet his seemingly picture perfect family. I’m sure they can majorly relate to heroine use. Crazy wins again. Teirra gets the tiara rose and in creeps her evil laugh:

Tierra (1)

But I guess that’s better than her normal look:

tierra cry

Fireworks explode in the sky. For those who have read the Hunger Games (or seen the movie) it reminded me of when they announce the dead tributes. One more girl gone! May the odds ever be in your favor, Tierra. Seriously Jackie – you are beautiful. Way too good for this nonsense!

Cocktail Party (actually it should be plural. There are multiple cocktails)

At the cocktail party, Des tells Sean she needs a little more affirmation. Sean ends up getting frustrated. Apparently Tierra is the only one who is allowed to be insecure. Meanwhile, the cameras turn to Tierra, who laments “another rose ceremony? Please. I just wanna (sic) punch everyone in the room.” Oh Tierra – you are such a sweet girl! Robyn decides to confront Tierra about her wild mood swings. Tierra is once again like “SO OVER THIS.” And if she wants to get engaged, she can get engaged. Sean witnesses Tierra acting completely like herself screaming at Robyn. Des properly sums it up: she needs a Xanax and she needs to be sent home. Can I get an Amen? But he still just does not see what the other girls see! Sean, you might need to get your eyes and ears checked. Go when Tierra gets her big heart checked. Tierra reassures Sean that she is “such a nice girl.” Denial… it’s a deep river.

Robyn gets sent to the dreaded limo and is grilled by the ABC psychotherapist until she breaks.

Tonight there is ANOTHER episode. I won’t be able to watch until tomorrow but another post will be up Thursday or Friday!

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