I Can’t Be Tortured Like This

Something weird is going on. Something fishy. The start of episode four did not begin with SSS (Sean shirtless and sweating). Come on ABC! If we can’t see Sean’s abs, how will we know he’s serious about this journey? If Sean doesn’t run alone on the beach, how will we know he’s going to find love at the end of that staged intense run? It seems all of the editing this week was slightly different. Like, what was up with those ridiculous light-rock songs that kept popping up during the episode? With those tunes, I felt like I was in the produce section at the grocery store trying to decide between romaine and spinach.

Chris Harrison starts off the episode at the STD factory mansion by announcing that Sean sees his wife in this room. Wow. you can cue the groans early. I’m sorry Sean – I think all the fake tanner is getting to your head.

The shot changes to Sean talking about the week ahead. Our faith in the journey is restored! Sean is shirtless! (Although not sweaty). Instead ABC gives us a lovely shot of Sean in his boxer-briefs as he prepares for his first date.

First one-on-one date: Selma – Let’s Turn Up the Heat

I was excited for Selma to go on a date with Sean because I thought she seemed sweet and is very pretty. But my opinion of Selma decreased rapidly. I don’t know what is with this season but everyone reminds me of a celebrity! In this case, Selma reminds me of her name-same Selma Hayek.

Here is bachelor Selma:


Here is celebrity Selma:


The other thing they have in common? Their ta-tas are giant and seem to hang out everywhere! Sean is sooooo thoughtful and picks up Selma for prom the date in a limo. Selma asks Sean if he can handle all 110 pounds of “this” (“this” meaning her 60 lb boobs and 70 lb frame). Seriously Selma? Is announcing to the world that you need to gain 20 pounds necessary? The limo leads to a private plane and Selma asks if every date will be like this. Umm no Selma because you aren’t entering into a relationship with ABC when the show concludes. I feel the need to type in shouty caps. WHY DO ALL THESE GIRLS THINK SEAN IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE DATES? News flash, if Sean is planning a date it probably involves a trip to the local Snap Fitness and a protein shake.

Moving on (which is exactly what I think Sean should do). Sean and Selma fly to a desert where Selma asks why Sean would bring an Iraqi to the desert. Instantly Selma starts complaining. She doesn’t do well in heat, she doesn’t like athletic things, she doesn’t like blondes (later she explains the blonde comment was just the heat talking). Sean tells Selma he has a giant rock for her. Selma’s eyes light up as she envisions her 3 carat Neil Lane glittering on her bony polished finger. But Sean had a different rock in mind… a rock that can’t accommodate Selma’s normal 6-inch heels. Question Selma – are you a stripper? Why are your heels 6-inches? Selma manages (pretty well actually) to rock climb up the mountain with minimal complaints.

After, Sean takes Selma to a trailer-park, which, for some reason, they both think is romantic. Trailers and romance usually don’t go hand in hand for me (I say usually because it could be romantic if say Patrick Swayze circa Dirty Dancing era took me to the trailer park. Sigh.) We learn that Selma was born a Muslim in Iraq,and has very strict parents. Sean is bummed he doesn’t get to gross Selma out with his terrible kissing. Rose for Selma and her twins.

Group Date

Sean takes his strangers girlfriends to participate in a roller derby. Because the ABC producers are completely and utterly shameless, they include Sarah on the group date. Since Sarah is missing an arm, her balance is completely off. Mean Bachelor, mean. The roller-derby date looks about as fun as sticking needles in my eyes. Most of the girls can’t even stand up except for Amanda, who is like ah-maz-ing. So amazing in fact that Amanda kept her chin up, ignored all the other girls’ criticism and took it on the chin. Literally. She took in on the chin as she fell chin first into the rink. Amanda’s face broke because it’s potentially made of stone. Amanda was raced off to the ER to deal with her chin-jury and hopefully her attitude. I’m not sure the ER can provide people with new souls though.

After the failed fun roller derby, Sean and his ladies head to a party to get wasted explore their relationships further. That is until the plague known as “Tierrible” struck. Poor Tierra and her insanely arched eye brows just “can’t be tortured like this!” (Tierra says this is torture three times – actually Tierra, torture includes waterboarding, solitary confinement, sleep deprivation, restraints, etc. I don’t believe competing on the Bachelor is a banned form of torture recognized by the UN Convention Against Torture). But seriously guys, she cannot take it! She CANNOT compete with these other girls. She is DONE! She is Done. With. This! She can’t take the fakeness anymore!!!! Tierra lays on the crocodile tears and demands to leave the show. Oddly enough, Tierrible’s tears turn into a smirk as she tells Sean this is too hard. Rose for princess Tierra.

That leads me to things that I normally find totally annoying but are currently less annoying than Tierra:

  • people who step on the back of your shoe
  • slow internet service
  • Taylor Swift’s whiny break-up songs
  • airport security lines
  • paper cuts
  • adult acne
  • leaving a red sock in a load of whites
  • drivers who don’t use a turn signals
  • the Bachelor
  • people saying Sean plans these dates
  • Illinois drivers
  • mosquitoes
  • when people call me Katie (ok, that will ALWAYS be most annoying)
  • Second one-on-one date: Nothing says romance like a prostitute

    Ahh yes, the Pretty Woman date. Classic. Leslie H. is thrilled to go on the pretty woman date. Leslie H. says numerous times that she feels just like she’s in the movie. I always love when my date makes me feel like a hooker! Don’t you? (And also, Sean’s no Richard Gere, come on now). But seriously, why do they insist on doing this date. It’s wrong for so many reasons. It’s awkward shopping with men because they HATE IT. It’s also awkward to try on clothes for men…especially on your only first date. Despite Sean telling us 10000 times that this is a romantic date, this is pretty much the opposite of romance. Neil Lane on my date does not equal romance. A giant empty building? Not romantic. Trying to conceal Spanx while trying on dresses for Sean? Not romantic. Ultimately Sean decides this date lacks the Selma-heat and sends Leslie home in a mini-van. Ouch. That’s not how Pretty Woman ended. It’s back to Rodeo Drive for Leslie to try her luck with the next John. Sean goes back inside to enjoy a private concert alone (PS – totally loved that song the band was playing!)

    At the rose ceremony we endured a cringe-worthy scene of Robyn asking Sean if he wants to taste the chocolate. I had to cover my eyes again and watch through my fingers. I still have PTSD from last week’s debacle with Leslie’s badonkadonk nearly showing during the worst longest kiss ever. In the end, Amanda and the worst lip-stick color choice in Bachelor history were sent packing. Goodbye Amanda. You frighten me.

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