I Want You to Act Like Kacie, Not Like This Crazy Person That I’m Seeing

It’s week three at the mansion with the freshly washed driveway (side-note – seriously, why is the driveway always wet? Does someone throw up on it every episode? Likely. Is it wet from the tears of desperate hopeful women? It is covered in copious amounts of endlessly flowing alcohol? Can someone please tell me why?!?) Anyway, I digress. The episode starts in a predictable fashion: Sean shirtless and sweating (we’ll call this SSS from now on).

First one-on-one date: Kiss me you fool

Little Miss DC gets the first date (Lesley). I’m immediately struck by two things: First, Les (not to be confused with Des) has amazing hair. I mean really, sign that girl up for some Tressemme commercials! Ooo, la la. Second, Les is a political consultant. I’m young so I don’t want to bash other young people, but who exactly is Lesley advising? Is she responsible for Romney’s failed campaign? Doubtful, but after watching this “date,” I fear I must offer Lesley some advice. Lesley, do not, under any circumstances, borrow your 6th grade sister’s dress. It’s just going to be too short on you. Poor Lesley picked out a dress that would have been really cute if it were just 6 inches longer. To make matters worse, Sean takes Lesley on a date to set the Guinness World Record for longest on-screen kiss. The Almighty Chris Harrison appears to look up Lesley’s dress instruct the love-birds (side-note – why does Chris Harrison keep appearing on dates?That’s new! Apparently his traditional one line “this is the final rose of the evening,” is not stimulating enough.) Lesley and Sean are instructed to stand on a platform, surrounded by bachelor cast rejects tourists and kiss for more than 3 minutes and 15 seconds. If their lips separate, the record WILL NOT BE BROKEN. Gee, what a shame that would be! What happened next kept me awake last night. Like a child, I covered my hand over my face and watched through my fingers as poor Lesley’s juicy-double almost got exposed to the entire world (her poor father). Someone. Pull. Down. Her. Dress. Instead, it crept further and further up and Sean’s lips creeped me further and further out. Sean and Lesley literally just pressed their lips against each other for the entire 3 minutes and 16 seconds. That is NOT kissing (although later, as Sean jammed his tongue down his multiple prospective wives’ throats, I appreciated the weird lip-pressing kiss). Sean, a little advice for you- perhaps you should have taken Arie’s kissing advice more seriously. Nevertheless, Lesley decides fame is worth the disgust she likes Sean’s kissing and declares that “today has been the greatest day of my life.” Oh Lesley, that makes me really sad for your life.

Group Date: Set, Bump, Spike, and Cry
At first, the girls were majorly excited about this date because they would get to set their nail polish, bump their hair and don their favorite pairs of spiked heels. Unfortunately, Sean had a different vision for set, bump, and spike. The 12 lucky ladies hit the beach to vie for Sean’s attention in the form of neon bikinis and a painful game of beach volleyball. Once again, the Almighty Chris Harrison shows up on the date to drool over the girls in their itsy-bitsy teenie-weenie bikinis explain that only the winning team will spend the evening with Sean. All the girls look identical in their Little Ricky sized swimsuits (Ricky as in Emily’s Ricky). Sean begins to majorly regret beach volleyball after he realizes none of the girls can return the ball – like at all. Kristy starts to get upset and asks if the photo shoot is over. Kacie B declares that she is totally winning this game because it’s the most important one she’s ever had to play. Amanda wonders how long she has to pretend to look happy before she can return to selective mutism. The blue team eventually prevails and the red team is sent home sobbing. Seriously. Sobbing. I can only assume they were crying for the following reasons 1)they were drunk 2)there was sand in uncomfortable places 3)someone stole their clothes (ehhhh hemmm, Chris Harrison?) and made them ride home on the bus in their bikinis.

Meanwhile, back at Sean’s abode, Sean makes the rounds shoving his tongue in the mouths of the 6 members of the blue team. Kacie B comes up with her most frantic brilliant idea yet. She decides to pull Sean aside and tell him she’s in the middle of some terrible drama between Des and Amanda. Maybe Kacie was the product of bad editing, but the whole exchange left you worried Kacie was one step away from boiling a bunny (Fatal Attraction, anyone?) Sean is clearly annoyed and says, “I want you to act like Kacie, not like this crazy person that I’m seeing.” Kacie, please see the second definition of the word “backfire.”

Second one-on-one date: Your Love is like a Rollercoaster baby, baby, I wanna ride. Cue the Red Hot Chili Peppers:
Anyway, Sean picks up AshLee for her date, but not before Tierra falls down the stairs. Luckily Teirra’s lip gloss remained firmly in place during the ordeal. The only casualty was one false eye lash and an acrylic nail. Anyway, Sean picks up AshLee (whose hair also looked amazing – It was the beachy-bride look). Sean told AshLee to wear her shortest dress because Harrison was going to try to get panty-shots during the rollercoaster rides. And I mean really, why wouldn’t you wear a short dress to ride coasters? Also accompanying Ashean (AshLee + Sean = Ashean) were two chronically-ill best friends. Sean was surprisingly very sweet with the girls and managed to have a bit of personality. On a less serious note, Sean was wearing shorts and I’m fairly certain he shaves his legs. Cue the groans.

Rose Ceremony: Wetsuits repel tears.

Kacie B undoubtedly knows it’s time for her to hit the road jack (and seriously Kacie, don’t you come back no more no more no more no more). She plans accordingly and shows up in her wetsuit dress, obviously to repel the tears. Sean takes Kacie outside to tell her that he knows they had a deal to let her make it to the top three so she could be the next Bachelorette but he JUST. CAN’T. TAKE. IT. Kacie B was given a hefty dose of Xanax prior to the ceremony to ensure she didn’t have another epic limo breakdown. Please recall:

Next week it appears Tierra suffers PTSD from her fall down the stairs.

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