Category Archives: Juan Pablo

I Would Never Want my Children Having a Father Like You

Just when I thought I would never hate another bachelor as much as Ben Flajnik, enter Juan Pablo!  Before I write this post, I need to take a moment and sincerely thank Juan Pablo.  Because of his completely unlikable personality and deplorable treatment of women (and Chris Harrison), I had nearly 500 unique hits to my blog on Monday!  Thank you Juan Pablo!  For every jaw-dropping, spectacularly douchey thing you said, my blog had a new visitor.  Muchos gracias, you skeezer.

I realize that I might have let you guys down when I didn’t recap the “Women Tell All.”  I was away from home all last week and I simply ran out of time before this week’s finale.  But, here’s a quick summary: trust, honesty, at the end of the day, doesn’t really hate gay people, English is my second language, everyone hates Juan Pablo, and eeet’s ok.

Without further ado, let’s join Juan Pablo in St. Lucia on his final chapter of his aventura.  If you recall, it’s down to Clare and Nikki vying for the pile of male chauvinism that Juan Pablo’s hurling their direction.  Well, that and a dose of narcissism, intolerance, flippancy, and a general disdainful personality.  If that isn’t enticing in a future husband, I don’t know what is!  I’m just being honest.  Eeet’s ok.

Chris Harrison promises the 10 million viewers at home and his live studio audience that tonight will be the most dramatic season finale ever.  Oh Chris Harrison, we’ve heard that one before, just like we’ve heard Juan Pablo say 10092732 times, “I’m just being honest.”  At some point it starts to lose it’s meaning.  I’m just being honest.  It’s time to meet Juan Pablo’s family — the people responsible for bringing him into this world.  On a side note, do you think we have some sort of cause of action against ABC for inflicting Juan Pablo in our lives?  I’ve got damages for sure.

Clare Meets Mr. and Mrs. Juan Pablo and Cameeeeela

Juan Pablo’s dad is totally adorbs.  That obviously must not be his biological father. Clare tells the JP clan she can’t wait to be a mother.  In fact, she’s willing to start some baby-making in the spare bedroom if they don’t mind.  Clare sits down with Juan Pablo’s mom so she can warn Clare that her son is sort of an a-hole.  Clare asks if there is anything about his personality she should know about.  Juan Pablo’s mom says “he can sometimes be very rude.”  Nothing like your own mother throwing you under the bus!  How much of a jerk do you have to be for your mother to basically warn total strangers of your poor personality?

I can just imagine their wedding vows:

  • Clare:  From the second we met, I knew how rude you were and knew we were meant to be together.  When your mother confirmed your rudeness, I knew it was something special.
  • Juan Pablo:  I’m just being honest

Next up to warn Clare about Juan Pablo’s winning personality is his cousin.  Turns out Juan Pablo has a tendency to run away when the goin’ gets tough.  Shocker.  Cousin tells JP Clare is READY for marriage (the word begging was actually thrown in there) and JP needs someone who is willing to stick around.  This is all too much.  Is the cousin basically saying that Juan Pablo is so offensive/ abusive that it’s hard for him to keep women in his life?  Add that gem to the vows too, Clare!

Nikki Meets The People Juan Pablo Used To Call Family Before They Threw Him Under the Bus

Since meeting Juan Pablo’s family is old hat, Nikki decides to wear her swimsuit coverup to the rental casa.  Juan Pablo’s cousin starts the convo, “so Nikki, you’re from Kansas right?”  Nikki is not impressed, “who do you think I am, Dorothy?  No I’m not from Kansas, you moron.  I’m from Missouri.”  After everyone is done making jokes about the bad witch and the good witch, Juan Pablo’s dad sits down to warn her.

  • Papa Pablo: He’s not an easy guy.  He’s always focalized on what he wants.  It’s all about what he wants.
  • Nikki: Mmmhmmm.  Does my side braid still look ok?  It’s really hot out here.
  • Papa Pablo:  No seriously, he’s a selfish prick.  I don’t know what happened. He only cares about himself. He thinks he knows the truth of everything.
  • Nikki:  Got it.  Seriously, can I get some powder PLEASE?
  • Papa Pablo:  I think you guys are perfect for each other.

Mamma Pablo sits down with Nikki and tells her that life with him will consist of watching TV.  Think his Bachelor watching days are over?  His cousin tells Nikki Juan Pablo walks away from relationships when they get rough.  Best of luck Nikki because he’s just so agreeable, if, in fact, agreeable is a synonym for cantankerous.

Final Date with Clare:  I barely know you but I like (@&#(@ You!

I guess ABC read my recent post where I pondered why helicopters were so MIA this season.  They remedied that situation and stuck Clare and Juan Pablo in a helicopter for their final date.  Drama ensues.  Let’s talk about it.

Clare is having a really romantic, surreal time with Juan Pablo.  In a rare moment, Clare and Juan Pablo find themselves completely alone in the helicopter after it lands.  No cameras.  No producers.  Just the two of them.  Juan Pablo leans in to whisper something in her ear.  Instead of hearing sweet nothings, Clare is left offended and confused.  But what DID Juan Pablo say to Clare?  She says it’s too offensive to repeat.  Here are some theories:

  • Sorry about the herpes you’re definitely going to get.
  • I liked f***ing you way more than Nikki.  Ey yey yey.
  • You’re so lucky you get to make out with me.
  • You’re really hot but I kind of wish Nikki were here.
  • I’m not picking you because I barely know you but I’m really excited to BEEP you later.  (Insert dirty word into beep).

Clare tells the confession cam that Juan Pablo’s offensive words were something like “I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but I like f***ing you.”  Aww, he’s such a gentleman.  Could I get that printed on a t-shirt please?  Romance.

Back at Nikki’s house, she resolves herself to finding out what JP meant by his words that shall not be repeated.  He shows up at the door and practically begs like a dog for a  little “besito.”  She tells him they need to talk.  Always bad news when you hear those words.  Juan Pablo does the only thing he knows how to do.  He just continues to beg for a little besito.  I’m impressed with Clare’s restraint.  I would have definitely punched him in the nose.  The exchange was too annoying to even type.  Clare talked, Juan Pablo just said mmhmm over and over.  Juan Pablo says he doesn’t need “the physical.”  Um. Right.  Just like you don’t need air to breathe.

Juan Pablo tells Clare he can see himself with her.  He knows that they will have babies in a year.  Liar.

Wish. Clare. Would. Dump. Him. First.

Nikki’s Date Where Once Again Her Boobs Hang Out

That’s the end of this recap.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

It’s time.  But right as we’re about to find out who will make an epic mistake, I realize there was no visit from the ever sleazy Neil Lane!  This show seems incomplete without Neil Lane’s excessive chest hair hanging out of his unbuttoned crisp white shirt and his suitcase full of offensively large, tacky, costume jewelry rings.  Come on ABC!  I need to see Neil!  How else will I be snarky?  Oh that’s right.  Juan Pablo.  He provides me with ample fodder.

The girls get a memo from ABC instructing them to wear something that doesn’t look too bridal.  Because Juan Pablo just ain’t going there. Ever.  Nikki is thrilled because let’s face it, it’s hard to find slutty wedding dresses.  Instead she opts for a blue dress with a slit all the way up to her bikini line.  Way to stay classy Nikki.

Clare arrives to the final rose sight first.  All these ocean views and ABC sticks them in the middle of the woods?  First arrival = bye bye Clare.  Fear not though Clare, fear not.  You’re really dodging a bullet with this one.  Or at least an STD.  Clare tells Juan Pablo he’s a total prick.  Oh wait.  Not yet.  First she tells him they have something special and she believes in him.  Then Juan Pablo delivers a crushing blow.  He says, “Clare, eeet’s ok.  But I really liked f***ing Nikki a little more.  Besito?”  Clare is outraged.  She tells him he misled her.  She says she thought she knew what kind of man he was.  She says “I lost respect for you.  Because, I’ll tell you what.  What you just made me go through, I would never want my children having a father like you.”  Amen, sister!

And that’s when it happened.  The nail in the proverbial coffin.  Juan Pablo becomes the world’s most hated Bachelor.  Ever.  He says, with a smirk, “Whooo.  I’m glad I didn’t pick her. Whooo”  Cue. the. groans.  Hey Juan Pablo, this isn’t the limbo.  None of us wanted to see how low you can go.

Nikki is ready to spend the rest of her life with Juan Pablo.  She is so excited for that Neil Lane sparkler.  She knows it’s about to all come true.  It’s a modern day fairy tale…if your Prince Charming also happens to date 25 women, makes out excessively with half of them, sleeps with a handful of them and then slut-shames one of them, and continuously says offensive things and then blames a language barrier.  Nikki calls that everything she’s dreamed of.  I call that my worst nightmare.  Well actually, my worst nightmare is being shot (I don’t know what’s wrong with me) but this blog is all about being hyperbolic.

Except Nikki soon learns that Prince Juan Pablo is not proposing.  He tells her “I have this ring in my pocket.  But I’m not going to use it.  I’m not 100% sure that I want to propose to you.  But at the same time, I’m 100% sure that I just don’t want to let you go.”  Nikki is fuming.  How in the world can she instagram a non-engagement ring?  But he reassures her.  “I like you a lot.  A lot.”  With a wink to seal the deal.

So what happened after the final rose?  That post will be up soon.  Here’s a preview:  Juan Pablo continues to be completely and utterly unlikable.

i like you a lot meme

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I want to die if I have to hear “it’s ok” again

Saint Lucia.  The last time the Bachelor stepped foot in Saint Lucia was when Jake Pavelka was the leading man.  Now, we’re back on the island and Juan Pablo is the leading man.  I think the Bachelor is sending us a message: the worst Bachelors EVER will always conclude in Saint Lucia. And their initials will be J.P.  So it’s off to Saint Lucia for the overnight dates filled with STDs drama like we’ve never seen before, promised to us by Chris Harrison.

Juan Pablo says he is thrilled that it’s overnights this week because there are no cameras and that means he’s free to use all three girls for sex privacy.

First Overnight Date: Clare 

Juan Pablo chooses Clare for his first overnight date because he knows she’s a sure thing.  He’d rather not have any surprises after 4 weeks of tortured celibacy (with the exception of the ocean transgression).

Clare says that if you told her a year ago she’d be standing in St. Lucia, with the man of her dreams, falling in love, she wouldn’t believe it.  I can only assume she means Chris Harrison. I refuse to believe there is a warm-blooded female in this world who would actually call Juan Pablo the man of her dreams.  I feel sad that the man of Clare’s dreams is about to have sex with two other people.  Juan Pablo takes Clare to a yacht to spend the day.  Seriously, are helicopter so 2010?  It’s all about the yacht.

Clare is grappling with whether she should spend the night with Juan Pablo because she doesn’t want genital herpes to set a bad example for Cameeeeeeela.

In case you didn’t hear Juan Pablo the first 50 times, he explains the fantasy suite is totally private– no cameras– an “opportunity to get to know each other better.  A LOT better.”  He might as well have winked.  We get it Juan Pablo; you are going take Clare back to the nightmare fantasy suite and repeat your ocean performance on dry land.  

The fantasy suite card arrives with the usual invitation from Chris Harrison to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite.  JP is practically drooling.  He needs his privacy! Clare is not so sure.  She brings up Vietnam.  She doesn’t want to set a bad example for Cameeeela. Juan Pablo says he doesn’t give a rat’s you know what about Cameeeela because it’s fantasy suite night and gosh darn it, he’s going to USE the fantasy suite.

That leads me to things less disgusting than the fantasy suite:

  • Errant hairs on your hotel sheets
  • The smell of vomit
  • Eating a hair in your restaurant soup
  • Drinking spoiled milk
  • Pee on toilet seats
  • Seeing a nail clipping on the floor
  • Boils.  Like ones coming out of people’s faces.
  • Sharts

Clare is, “just like loving, falling in love with [Juan Pablo].”

Sloppy Second Fantasy Suite Date: Andi 

Andi and Juan Pablo go shopping downtown Saint Lucia.  It was the same date we’ve seen 27 times before on every tropical island.

When Juan Pablo is done pretending to care about the little local kids, he takes Andi in a land buggy to a secluded area next to a waterfall.  Andi is officially the waterfall chick.  Andi asks Juan Pablo what he talked to her family about during the hometown date.  I officially hate Juan Pablo.  His voice gets high pitched and defensive when he talks about Andi’s dad. I want to punch him in the face.  Apparently Juan Pablo’s insanely annoying attitude and voice do not bother Andi.  She’s more than happy to make out with him under the waterfall.

Andi and Juan Pablo chit chat and I get bored.  Turns out Juan Pablo talking is just as boring Juan Pablo not talking.  Andi agrees to the fantasy suite.

In the morning, Juan Pablo said the fantasy suite was good — in fact, he didn’t know it was going to be THAT good.  Andi tells the camera, “waking up, I couldn’t wait to get out of the fantasy suite.”  I can only assume she needed to see a gynecologist ASAP.  She says, “the fantasy suite turned into a nightmare.”  She said the whole night was a disaster.  She saw a side to him she did not like.  Like his naked side?  Yikes.  Andi realizes that he doesn’t care about who she was, what she thinks and what she wants.  Ummm hello! Obviously he doesn’t care about you, or ANY of you!  Andi’s also mad that he talked about Clare’s overnight date and his lack of filter.  She finds Juan Pablo offensive.

I get it Andi.  So do same-sex, committed couples.  I wish Clare would also get it.  He’s offensive.  Period.

Third Fantasy Suite Date: Nikki

I can only assume Nurse Nikki has to go third because all the producers think she’s an awful person. Payback time.  Nurse Nikki wants Juan Pablo to know up front she knows what the fantasy suite is all about and she’s on board.  To drive home the message, Nurse Nikki decides wearing a shirt is not necessary on her date.  And wearing really hideous pants will also send a message: poor judgment.

nikki-hp

photo source: http://grantland.com/hollywood-prospectus/grtfl-bachelor-real-world-survivor-juan-pablo-andi-cliff-robinson/

I can only assume Nurse Nikki smoked something before she picked out that outfit.  They go horseback riding and Juan Pablo calls her sexy two times in Spanish.  Juan Pablo says more times than he used Cameeeeeela as an excuse that he can’t WAIT for tonight.

Nurse Nikki and Juan Pablo head to the fantasy suite.  Enough said.

Andi’s Boots Were Made For Walkin’

Andi listens to Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots Are Made for Walkin'” on repeat until she feels just angry enough to confront Juan Pablo.

Here’s how the conversation went down:

  • Andi:  I realized I wasn’t in love with you and that I wasn’t going to be and this isn’t going to work.
  • Juan Pablo:  That’s ok. Eeeeet’s ok.
  • Andi: It shouldn’t just be OK.  I left behind all this stuff and I put myself out there.  It’s not ok.  You saying it’s ok bothers me.
  • Juan Pablo:  I cannot force you to feel something for me.
  • Andi: You saying “it’s ok” seems like you don’t care.
  • Juan Pablo: English is my second language.  And I have a daughter.  Her name is Cameeela.
  • Andi: You don’t even know who I am.  I want to die if I have to hear “it’s ok” again.  I want you to feel something.
  • Juan Pablo: Eeet’s ok.
  • Andi:  Do you think the fantasy suite date night went well?  Because you gave me a really weird rash.
  • Juan Pablo:  I told you I got that from Clare.
  • Andi: I don’t want you to talk about Clare during my overnight.
  • Juan Pablo: Eeeeet’s fine.
  • Andi: There is a difference between being honest and being an asshole.  You told me I was here by default.
  • Juan Pablo: I don’t know what default means. I don’t speak English.
  • Andi:  Do you have any idea what religion I practice, what my political views are?  Do you have any idea?
  • Juan Pablo: I have no idea.  But I know your bra cup size and that’s what really matters.

Whether you are on team Andi or team Juan Pablo, I don’t care.  All I know is Juan Pablo is the worst Bachelor ever.  Juan Pablo says he’s not going to argue with a lawyer.  Since I’m one, I assume he’ll just agree with my statement. But, eeeeeet’s ok.

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We Can Love our Pets, but we need to be in love

It’s Friday night and I’m blogging and babysitting.  Now THAT is a raucous Friday night!  On average, how many IQ points do you think you lost watching a cumulative FOUR HOURS worth of Juan Pablo this week?  Well, in the words of Juan Pablo, eeeeeets ooookay.  We’re in this together.

With 20 less IQ points than I had last week, I bring you this two-part update.  Eeeeeets ok, let’s just get started.

It’s hometown dates.  I practically salivated imagining the dysfunctional families we were about to meet.  Would there be another family with a basement full of dead animals?  Perhaps another memorial service for a dead dove in the backyard?  Or how about someone with some sense?  Maybe someone who sees Juan Pablo for what he is?  A scumbag?  Let’s find out.  Eeeeets ok.

Nurse Nikki’s Kansas City Hometown Date

Nurse Nikki is so ex-sigh-ted to have Juan Pablo in her home town of KC.  She suddenly developed a Southern accent upon here return from “literally” traveling around the world.  Thanks for clearing that up for me Nikki.  All night long I would have though you traveled all over the world, figuratively.  On a side note, could you EVER imagine Juan Pablo living in KC?  It’s pretty much the anti-Miami.  But sure, whatever.

I don’t understand why Nikki is acting like she lives in Texas, but again, sure whatever.  She wants a cowboy (again, Juan Pablo, a cowboy?  He’s the anti-cowboy).  She takes Juan Pablo to Oklahoma Joe’s BBQ.  I like Nurse Nikki only for a fleeting second because I have eaten there and it is delish.  When I’m done drooling, I’m back to hating Nikki.  Sadly, Juan Pablo is the most animated I’ve ever seen him over the BBQ sauce.  Then they ride a mechanical bull.  Again, Nikki, you live in KC – not Texas.  Ugh. This is so stupid.  I really should have named my blog that instead, “Ugh.  This is so stupid.”

Just when I feel like I’ve had all I can handle in the first 7 minutes of this show, it’s time to meet Nikki’s family.  Her dad puts the finishing touches on Nikki’s prenup and makes sure Nikki’s trust fund has provisions prohibiting anyone named Juan Pablo to ever have access to that money.  In the words of Kanye…I ain’t sayin’ he’s a gold digger.  (I’m actually just saying he’s a fame digger).

Back at Nikki’s mansh, JP meets Nikki’s butler, au pair, dad, mom, the family lawyer named Stanley, and the chauffeur.  Nikki’s dad made sure his hair was parted as far to the side as possible.  He doesn’t want Juan Pablo to have any confusion – it’s the republican side-part hairstyle.  (PS, I found this amazing article about presidential hair parting from the New York Times in 1904!) If you are a Republican and I’ve just insulted you, I’m sorry.  But that hair was REALLY something.  After I got over Nikki’s dad’s televangelist hair, I realized she was complaining about riding in coach to Asia.

Poor oppressed Nikki!  Coach?!  How could ABC subject you to such unthinkable horrors? I hope the next time they pay to “literally” fly you around the world, on their dime, they really consider not making you ride in the third class of Titanic.  Or at least I hope they let you bring your au pair along.

The rest of the hometown is a snooze.   Nikki is, like, BEST FRIENDS, with her mom.  And she is definitely in love with Juan Pablo.  Is Nikki’s dad legitimately a televangelist?  He reminds me of one.  His voice seems like it could garner a following.  Her dad basically says don’t propose to my kid.  One point for dad.  Dad presses Nikki on why Juan Pablo is the one.  Nikki says she can’t really articulate it, but she KNOWS it’s right.  Sure it is honey, sure it is.  It’s as right as that side part.  Nurse Nikki says she is ready to be a step-mother because she agreed to double her au pair’s salary in Miami.

Atlanta Andi’s Hometown Date

Again, I don’t know why all these girls think they are in Texas, but Andi takes Juan Pablo to a shooting range.  That is really annoying to me.  You bring someone to your hometown and you do something (stupid) that you can do anywhere in the country?  That’s what Atlanta has to offer?  Thanks, but no thanks.

If Juan Pablo came to my hometown, named the Gayest City in America, I’d make sure he witnessed a same-sex marriage.  I know how much he likes and respects same-sex couples.

Anyway, back to Atlanta Andi.  Andi’s dad is unimpressed that Juan Pablo has spent a cumulative 97 minutes alone with Andi since this journey began.  That’s right folks, Andi has only had ONE date alone with this creep fantastic catch that ABC is shoving down our throats.  Andi’s dad sneaks into the kitchen to double up on his blood pressure medication.  He also practices some deep breathing exercises to prevent himself from punching Juan Pablo in the face.

When Andi’s dad cools down, he sits down with Juan Pablo and tells him the most sane thing I’ve EVER heard on this show.  He will not give Juan Pablo his blessing to marry his daughter “because the person who that is going to be good enough for [his] daughter is going to come to [him] and say there is no one else in the world.”  He follows it with, if that happens with you, we’ll have that discussion at a later time.  Andi’s dad knows Juan Pablo will never be around for that discussion.  Juan Pablo knows he’ll never be a “no one else in the world,” kind of guy. He’s more of a “25 women at once,” kind of guy.

Andi’s sister says she doesn’t see it.  Andi cries.  I think they are drunk tears.  But her family’s blatant disgust with Juan Pablo won’t bring her down.  She says she is CLOSE to being in love with Juan Pablo.  My favorite part of the hometown date was the family debriefing.  It reminded me of my family.  We love a good debrief.

Counselor Renee’s Sarasota Hometown Date

Renee’s son is the cutest, sweetest thing about this show.  I expected nothing less though seeing as Renee is the nicest Bachelor contestant ever.  And that’s the hometown date in a nutshell!

Oh and Renee has a really cute brother.  Renee’s mom tells her “we can love our pets, but we need to be in love.”  I love my cat.  But a cat does not a husband make!  Try telling my sister that when she was 10.  Moving on.

Clare’s California Hometown Date

I know some people think Clare is crazy (namely Nikki) but I just don’t agree.  Laura’s crazy.  Juan Pablo gets to meet Clare’s five older sisters and Clare’s momma (sorta).

There are two memorable things about this hometown date.  First, the Clare clan calls their deceased father, daddy.  Over and over again.  There is something really weird about grownups calling their parents mommy and daddy.  The only time I call my dad “daddy” is to annoy him.  Second, Laura doesn’t allow “momma” to talk to Clare.  Clare tells Laura MOMMA is allowed to speak for herself.  When the two of them go back and forth, with momma sitting mutely in the middle, I start to wonder if momma really CAN speak for herself?  Can she speak?  Or does she not speak English?  Momma done say NOTHIN’ during this sister spat.  Laura says Clare is manipulating momma.  Momma stays silent.  Why doesn’t MOMMA regulate this fight?!  Come on Momma!

Eventually Momma chats, in Spanish, with Juan Pablo.  I guess she is capable of talking.  Just not with Laura and Clare.  That evil manipulator. How dare she ask her Momma for her opinion!

Rose Ceremony

We all know what’s coming.  Three things.  Short, tight dresses that originally belonged to cross-dressing street walkers, Renee’s elimination and Renee’s enduring class, graciousness and dignity.  She’s clearly way too nice for this show.  All we care about are the Nikki’s, Courtney’s and Teirra’s of this world.

What we didn’t see coming was a pigeon dropping a sandwich on Renee’s head.  I’ll be back soon with the MOST DRAMATIC OVERNIGHT DATES EVER!  Chris Harrison you liar.

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I wish I was a Little Dumber

This morning I woke up at a crossroads.  It was 7:30 AM.  I popped out of bed and started to get ready to head to the gym.  I could run 6 miles and lift weights all before 9:30 hot vinyassa yoga.  Then I remembered it was -59 degrees for the 189th day straight (technically, it’s 7 degrees but still) and the roads were covered in ice.  I got back into bed, determined that I was in fact already doing “shavasana” and called it good.  Sorry health, you lose today.

The alternative instead is writing this post and eating girl scout cookies.  Thin Mints to be exact.  None of those 90 lb broads still on the Bachelor would have skipped the gym and opted for 450 calories worth of cookies instead.  If they made poor decisions like me, there is no way they could fit into those cocktail dresses that I can only assume were bought from Miami’s finest hookers.  Those dresses make actual prostitutes look chaste.

On a side note, the Proclaimer’s “I’m gonna be (500 Miles)” just played on my computer, so naturally I started dancing in my chair.  That’s exercise, right?  Anyone who doesn’t dance to that song is dead inside.  Anyway, back to Miami.

 Juan Pablo and his gaggle had to Miami.  International travel is so yesterday.  Renee wants to know if she can just stay at her own house instead of a hotel.  ABC tells her unfortunately she needs to be available 24-7 to counsel/ babysit the kids Juan Pablo is trying to marry.

First One on One: Sharleen, Come SEA my City 

Juan Pablo personally delivers the date card to Sharleen.  Sharleen is disappointed she has to go on a date with Juan Pablo.  She was hoping for a one-on-one with Andi instead. Sharleen and her side braid head out on Juan Pablo’s ABC’s rental yacht.  The duo lays down on the front of the yacht, where they remain horizontal the next 30 minutes.  They have nothing to say to each other so they just make out.  Occasionally Sharleen tells JP he’s trouble.

Then they make out more.  Sharleen tells the camera Juan Pablo is not her type.  Because her type is typically not male, which is totally fine with me but less fine with Juan Pablo.  We watch them make out more.  For some reason ABC zooms in so close I can see food stuck in their teeth.  Ugh.  I do not need to watch this.

Sharleen is worried that she cannot have a conversation with him and can only make out with him.  Sharleen says “I wish I was a little dumber.”  Not to be rude Sharleen, but you don’t exactly strike me as a rocket scientist.  That’s one of my sisters.  Boo ya.

Sharleen is SO happy to be done with the date.  She finds Renee for some counseling.  She tells Renee she’s not sure she should stay on the show any longer.  Renee realizes she needs to increase her hourly wage.

Second One on One: Nikki

Nikki decides for her date it’s best to wear her silky summer robe with a pair of her 12 year old sister’s jean shorts.  The girls all adhere to ABC sorority rule number 17, “shorter is always better.”  Let me know if you’d like a complete list of the ABC sorority rules.

Juan Pablo is taking Nikki to Cameeeeela’s dance recital.  Nikki is really excited but wishes that she wouldn’t have to interact with the kid.  She’s a little excited to size up Cameeeeela’s mommy though.  Until she realizes Cameeeeela’s mommy is a model.  And has on appropriately sized clothes.  Nikki curses the fact that her butt checks hang out below her shorts.

At the dance recital, Nikki meets Juan Pablo’s parents, Cameeela and Carla.  ABC keeps the camera on Carla the entire recital.  Nikki is worried about leaving a sweaty butt mark on her seat.  Don’t worry Nikki, I’ve been there. You’ll really enjoy the nickname “swassy” the rest of your life.

When the recital is over, Nikki’s heart rate returns to normal and she changes into a black mini skirt made of fringe and puts two pieces of white material over her boobs and calls it a shirt.  JP takes Nikki to Marlin’s Stadium, where he works.   They throw around a baseball as I hold my breath just waiting for the moment when her boob flies out.  When it never does I can only assume she used some powerful double-sided tape.  Eventually they move to a blanket on the field.  Nikki seizes the opportunity to ask Juan Pablo WTF is up with his relationship with Carla?  He replies something about the moon and the sky.  Then they make out.  Nikki says she’s in love with Juan Pablo.  Juan Pablo is in love with Carla.

Sharleen decides it’s time for her to go home.  She says she’s “super conflicted and [has] been for a while.”  She tells the girls she is going to leave.  The girls use all their restraint to stop themselves from hootin’ and hollerin’ and cheering that there is one less girl.  Sharleen goes to JP’s room to break the bad news to him.

For some reason Sharleen whispers all of her thoughts to Juan Pablo.  I don’t know why she’s whispering.  Is there another girl in there?  She whispers to Juan Pablo that she doesn’t think she can get to the place she needs to be for an engagement.  News flash Sharleen, nobody should get to a place where they are ready for an engagement after four weeks.  Especially when your betrothed was dating 25 other people along the way.  Sharleen starts to cry. Juan Pablo literally wipes the snot from her nose.  Jesus.  Nobody should ever wipe your snot if you are older than 5, or if you are physically incapable of doing it yourself.  Juan Pablo tells Sharleen, “you’re different.  In a good way.”  Sharleen tells Juan Pablo, he’s different too but not in a good way.

Per Sharleen’s request, ABC starts to play John Denver’s song, get your tongue out of my mouth because I’m kissing you goodbye:

It’s over now, you’ve gone too far I can’t take anymore
Be careful now, don’t hurt yourself when you walk through the door
I can hardly stand to look at you it makes me want to cry
Get your tongue out of my mouth because I’m kissing you goodbye

Read more: John Denver – Kissing You Goodbye Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Bye bye, goodbye!

Group Date: Andi, Clare, Chelsie, Renee

The girls hop on a sea plane.  You know what’s noticeably absent this season?  Helicopters!  How can they fall in love without helicopter rides? There is a rose at stake on the date, which means the rose recipient is forced gets to take Juan Pablo home to meet her family.  The rose lady also gets to continue the date alone with Juan Pablo.

Andi acts insecure again and tells Juan Pablo to “get ready for a breakdown.”  How romantic.  Has anyone else noticed that every single week Andi and Juan Pablo have the same conversation over and over again?  She says she’s worried, he says it will be ok and then she is instantly cheered up.  Same story, different outfit.

Clare tells Juan Pablo about the video her dad made for her future husband before her dad died.  ABC’s way of foreshadowing their exploitation of the video next week.  Ugh.  ABC, how low can you go?

Per usual, the one who acts the most insecure gets the rose.  Rose for Andi.  Andi and Juan Pablo go dancing.  Well, Juan Pablo dances and Andi stands there stiffer than a board.

The rejects head back to the house.  Clare is disappointed that she has to spend another night at the hotel with Nikki.   She says “I want to hang out with Nikki as much as I want to get stung by a jelly fish.”  Clare and Nikki get into a fight about absolutely nothing.  Clare says “Nikki always gets away with just being a BITCH” (emphasis added) and she’s not going to let her get away with it this time.  It went down like this:

  • Clare:  Nikki, what the heck just happened downstairs?
  • Nikki: I mean, I don’t like. I don’t like want to like sit around. And like. You talk shit.
  • Clare: Who talked shit?
  • Nikki: DON’T INTERRUPT ME.
  • Clare: Nobody talked shit.
  • Nikki: I didn’t want to be in the conversation.
  • Clare: Don’t cut me off.
  • Nikki: I have nothing to say to you. I don’t like you.  We are never going to be friends.  You can just excuse yourself from my room.
  • Clare: I can excuse myself?  This is all of our suite.
  • Nikki: Oh really, did you sleep here?
  • Clare: Did you pay for this room?
  • Nikki: Did you SLEEP HERE?
  • Clare:  Did you PAY FOR THIS ROOM?

It reminded of a fight 11 year old sisters would have but with more swearing. I  guess that makes sense given that they all shop in the kids section for their shorty-shorts and dresses.  Nikki calls Clare fu*king crazy.  Let me set the record straight Nikki, ya BOTH crazy.

At the rose ceremony, the girls followed sorority rule number 17 (already mentioned) and 43, which is “if you’re worried you might get cut, make sure you dress up like a slut.”  Alright, I hate that word but I wanted to make a rhyme.  I like the word “ho” better.  Please see rule 30, “if you want him for your beau, always dress up like a ho.”  I’ve never seen such little dresses.  They make Julia Roberts dressed as a prostitute in Pretty Woman look classy.  Did ABC dress them like this?  It’s ridiculous.  I have crop-top t-shirts longer than those dresses.

Chelsie gets sent home.  That leaves Renee as the only sane person left in that house.

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I plan for her a very aaaa-ven-tur-ahhs dateeee

Cynicism.  I’ve got it.  When Conan took over for Jay Leno and was subsequently booted so cry baby Jay could have his job back (BOO) I watched earnestly as Conan said goodbye with total grace and dignity to his dream job he held for a only a few short months .  In his goodbye, Conan said something that has stuck with me and always will.  Here’s the clip:

It’s excellent life advice.  But lately I just can’t help but feel cynical watching this nightmare of a show week after week.  Is it Juan Pablo?  Is it the girls?  Is it everything?  Is it the over the top dates?  Maybe it’s all of the above.  But this show has gotten so off course from where it started and Juan Pablo is the furthest thing from wanting a wife.  Obviously I can’t follow Conan’s advice and write this blog.  This whole blog is based on cynicism.  I really hope that if I get to meet Conan some day he never knows about this blog.  So with a little dose of cynicism, here I go…

Juan Pablo and his gaggle of girls head to New Zealand for some make out time. Juan Pablo says New Zealand is the perfect place to find love and fall in love.  Right.

First Date: Andi, Let’s Heat Things Up

Juan Pablo says Aaandeee has it going on and he “plan for her a very aaa-ven-tur-ahhs date.”  Yes, you read that correct.  1)  Juan Pablo can’t say planned and 2) Juan Pablo believes he “plan” the date.  I’m sure.  I’m as sure as that as I am that I’m about to be struck with a lightening bolt. Listen guys, Conan didn’t say squat about sarcasm.

Juan Pablo takes Andi on a speed boat ride in the middle of the New Zealand winter.  It reminds me of our annual Memorial Day boat riding that my family and I take.  It’s usually around 40 degrees and sometimes there’s still ice on the water.  We have to wear scarfs and blankets when we go over 40 mph.  It’s super fun! Luckily at the end of our boat rides nobody tells me I have to get in the water.  No such luck for Andi.  She puts on a brave face and hops into the foreign, murky, freezing cold water.  Oh the things you do for fame love.  Juan Pablo guides Andi through some narrow cannons.  And I mean narrow.  JP’s giant ego could barely fit between those rocks. Clare obviously wasn’t asked to participate in this date because her boobs would have never been able to squeeze through some of those really tight spots.  At times I couldn’t remember if I was watching the Bachelor or watching the 20/20 episode about the man who got trapped rock climbing and had to cut off his own arm.

Please Andi, don’t have an anxiety attack.  ABC you stink. Juan Pablo says Andi need to trust him.  No she doesn’t.  Once again, this is not how you build trust.  Eventually the path opens up and Juan Pablo and Andi are immersed in a hot spring.  Juan Pablo stops and frisks Andi and she does not object even without a reasonable articulation of illegal activity.  No sir, Andi consents to this frisk.  Hell, she’d even consent to a search.  They aggressively make out under a waterfall and JP forgets all about his daughter and setting a “good example.”  Raise your hands for hypocrisy!

After the date, Juan Pablo takes Andi to dinner in front of a geyser.  Thanks to Big Pharma all I can think of is erectile dysfunction commercials.  Maybe JP is sending some sort of subliminal message.  The geyser turbulently ejects water, spraying Andi and Juan Pablo.  Andi pouts that the geyser has ruined her date.  Actually, Juan Pablo ruined your date.  Because you’re on a date with Juan Pablo.

I meant to bring this up earlier but I noticed Andi’s other favorite catch-phrase besides “honestly” is “at the end of the day.”  I feel like that phrase is totally bull.  At the end of the day all that matters is blah blah blah.  Well that’s sort of true but I don’t want the rest of my day to totally suck.  But alas, at the end of the day, Rose for Andi.  Honestly.

Group Date: Come Play With My Balls

Nobody should ever be allowed to come on this show and utter the following words, “today is my 22nd birthday!”  22 years old!  I have underwear that’s older than 22 years old.  Seriously, I probably need some new undies that don’t have holes or snowmen on them.  Anyway, in case you don’t hear Cassandra tell you 57 times, today IS her 22nd birthday.  And because she’s 22 years old, she’s dropping the Pablo from Juan’s name.  He’s just Juan now.

The girls slip into tiny swimsuits that actually used to belong to their American Girl Dolls.  Waiting for them are giant balls, with a slipe-n-slide entrance and some water inside.  The balls roll down a hill and Juan Pablo generously offers to make out with them each individually as they slide down the hill.  What a stand up guy!  If Juan Pablo wasn’t there ruining the ball experience, I would definitely want to  try that.

800px-Zorbing

photo source: Wikipedia

After they are done playing with Juan Pablo’s big balls, the group heads to a cocktail party.  Juan Pablo continues his make-out quest.  In order, he makes out with Renee, Nikki, Sharleen, and pretty much everyone else except Kat and Cassandra.

Sharleen continues to act weird and unsure of her feeling for the Bachelor.  She is fairly certain she would have stronger feelings for the Bachelorette.

Cassandra realizes now that she’s 22 years old she’s ready to take “Juan” home to be Tray’s new daddy.  She feels like the luckiest girl alive for meeting Juan.  Then Juan tells her he has a special birthday present and it’s a ride in the rejection limo!  And a plane ticket home.

Sharleen gets the date rose, reluctantly accepts it and curses the fact that she didn’t get to participate on Emily’s season.

ABC decides to play the most horrific, unconscionable music during Cassandra’s birthday rejection limo ride.  What is up with the sporadic and always horrendous music selections this season?

Second One on One Date: Let’s Make Out But Just Not In the Ocean Because That’s Crossing the Line

Clare gets the second one on one date.  She needs an apology from Juan Pablo after he slut-shamed her.  Amazingly enough, there is an entire Wikipedia page dedicated to slut-shaming!  Who knew.  Also, if I ever dated someone who “slut-shamed” me, don’t worry buddy, no apology necessary.  You’ll never see me again.  I wish Clare could say the same…

Here’s what transpired:

  • JP: I was worried because you felt horrible for being such a whore.  But now you’ve learned from me.
  • Clare: I appreciate that.  I was just in the moment.
  • JP: You will learn these things when you have children.  I couldn’t say no because I would devastate you.
  • Clare: So what are our boundaries?
  • JP: I don’t want to ever let you meet Cameeeeeeeeeela.
  • Clare:  But what did we do that was inappropriate?
  • JP: You made me go in the ocean at 4 AM.  This is all your fault.Break in conversation while JP and Clare make-out.  

Clare is so happy they talked things through and Juan Pablo apologized.

Raise your hand if you’re completely confused.  (Hand raised).  Where was the apology?  Why is it inappropriate to make out in the ocean but not make out with 100 girls in a row on dry land?  Why wasn’t it inappropriate to make out in a hot tub/ pool?  Oh I guess it’s because you didn’t just make out in the ocean–you had s-e-x.  Also, Juan Pablo’s rules only apply when they are convenient for him, like using his daughter to reject people.  Is anyone else wondering why Juan Pablo’s 4 year old daughter would ever be allowed to watch this show?

He is such an outstanding parent.

Clare gets a rose. Juan Pablo makes out with her some more but he’s making sure to be a good example for Cameeeeeela by making out with her in a living room, instead of an ocean.

Rose Ceremony 

Nikki and  Juan Pablo have a conversation in which they say absolutely nothing.  She makes sure to maintain her trend of wearing dresses too small and too short.  This time she adds an 80’s twist with some sheer black nylons and an off the shoulder red dress.  Renee proceeds to prove she’s the only stable person in the house.  Kat spills her secrets about her troubled childhood.  Sharleen cries thinking about which girl will leave tonight.

Juan Pablo decides Kat’s gotta go because let’s face it, he hasn’t made out with her yet.  Kat leaves.  Sharleen bawls.

Next week the crew heads to Miami.  Renee, the only person who has heard of Miami by Will Smith starts to rap, “Party in the city where the heat is on, all night on the beach till the break of dawn, welcome to Miami (bienvenido a miami).”  In case you’re wondering, that song came out in 1998.  Ah 8th grade, good times!

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Cheers to finding love, being loved, and making love

Tonight on the Bachelor…

It’s infinity scarf week in Vietnam for the remaining 11 women.    As Allie explains, “it’s really setting the scene for a good love story.”  Little did she know the love story was about Juan Pablo and Clare.  Sidebar: Allie is the girl who plays soccer and is from Chicago but looks like Andi, who is the soon to be unemployed DA from Georgia, who looks like Allie.  Got that?  Good.

First Date: Renee, Are We the Right Fit

It’s the pretty woman date, Vietnam style.  The pretty woman date  is notoriously the kiss of death on this show.  Here’s hoping it’s not Renee’s kiss of death (even though she’s dying for a kiss of any type).  Juan Pablo pedals her around on a bike in some Vietnamese town.

Have any of you been on one of those pedi-cab things?  When I was young and cute (a prime Bachelor candidate but for that one pesky trait I just can’t seem to shake…good judgment) my sister and I were in Savannah, Georgia when a pedi-cabbie insisted on giving us a ride.  Even though we said no 15 times, we still ended up on that dumb thing.

He pedals her to a dress shop for a custom made dress.  For only $0.05, Renee gets a traditional Vietnamese dress in 5 minutes.  Ahh child labor.  Renee sweats profusely during the fitting because 1) it’s awkward, 2) it’s 107 degrees there, 3) she doesn’t love the idea of violating human rights but doesn’t want to offend Juan Pablo.  I mean, if he’s so anti same-sex couples, who says he’s not anti child labor?  What was the word he used?  Oh I remember… pervert.  After the dress fitting, the Brady Bunch buy presents for their kids while Renee wills JP to kiss her.

Juan Pablo and the only person he hasn’t kissed yet head to dinner.  Renee is just such a sweet heart, I have nothing but lovely thoughts about her.  She needs to run away from him.

Meanwhile, back at the house, the second date card arrives.  With the second date card, we find out that this week’s petulant child of the week is Andi!  She cannot believe she has to go on yet again another group date.

Juan Pablo asks Renee, “Rennaayyyy, will you ass-epp this rose?”  She ass-epps.  Then he takes her to one of these “make a wish” locations that seemingly every country has and naturally she wishes for a kiss.   It was a wasted wish though because JP decided there would be no kiss on this date.  Boo Renee, next time you need to wish for something better than germs from Juan Pablo and the 6 other girls he’s swapped saliva with.  Like winning the lottery.  The only “make a wish” activities I’ve done is breaking the wish-bone from some sort of bird carcass.  Nothing says romance like chicken bones. 

Group Date: Juan Pablo, Clare, and some other girls he has to pretend to be into 

The girls opt to leave their infinity scarves at home and instead wear their pre-teen sisters’ jean shorts.  The girls will be boating down a river in a traditional Vietnamese boat.  JP instructs them to pair off.  Clare-bear is left standing alone.  Dog-lover tells us this is because she has no friends.  But friends does not a lover make, and Clare knows this so off she goes in Juan Pablo’s boat.  That’s 1 for Clare, 0 for Dog-lover. Because Juan Pablo always wants to set a good example for Cameeeeela, he seizes an opportunity to make out with Clare in front of the other girls when he thinks they can’t see him.  Even though he’s out in the open.  In a boat.  Such a class act, that Juan Pablo!

The petulant child, Andi, is not happy.  She did not know she was going to watch Clare’s one-on-one date on the group date.

Back at the house, Nikki tells the camera that going on another group date would have “sucked” and if she were on the group date she might not get the rose.  Then she rolls her eyes in irritation with herself and says,”that would just be stupid, I always do [get the rose].”  Oh Nikki, you are just such a sweet person – I can see why that snotty attitude and conceitedness would translate so well with children.

At the group date, Chelsie says she’s having a really romantic date with Allie, her boat partner.  She’s less enthused about Juan Pablo and Clare’s date.  After the boating trip, the group wanders around and Juan Pablo pretends to approach a total stranger and ask for food.  Whatever ABC.

Andi is still throwing a tantrum.  She starts with her favorite word, “honestly,” and tells Juan Pablo she’s just tired of group dates (has anyone else notice her affinity for the word honestly?  I mean, honestly!) He says “trust me,” and she feels totally fine after that.  After the girls are done in the fields, they eat.  Clare pretends to eat because she doesn’t eat anything but fro-yo.  Kidding.  I am sure she also drinks Starbucks.  Clare decides she doesn’t care if the girls hate her ’cause she’s just being Miley Clare.

At the after party, Juan Pablo toasts to an amaccc-ing date.  They all have the most fun tropical drinks I’ve ever seen.  Andi’s has an entire apple on top (I think that’s an apple?)  As soon as the toast is out of the way, JP decides it’s appropriate to continue his one-on-one date with Clare.  He takes her away to his private room for some sexy swimming time while the rest of his “dates” or “girl friends” wait for him.  That’s not disrespectful at all.  Oh and again, what a great example for Cameeeela.   Perv.  When Juan Pablo finally pulls his tongue out of Clare’s mouth, he decides he better spend some time with some of the other girls.  That means making out with Sharleen and Andi in quick succession. Como se dice “disgusting?”  Perverto.  Sharleen says the word organic again.  I still don’t know what that means.  I do know that I switched to organic milk this week and am totally in love.  Maybe that’s what she means?

Just when I thought organic was the weirdest way to describe a relationship, she came up with this doozy, “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.”  Um. Ok.  That means so many things such as 1) you want to stand out/ be unique 2) you think pandas are the cutest kind of bear (not so)  3) you like bamboo and China or 4) you are really hairy.

Group date rose goes to Clare.  Andi is mad.  “In all honesty,” she really thought she’d get the rose.  Listen, Andi, in all honesty, I will always assume you are being honest until proven otherwise.  So honestly, you can stop saying honestly now.  Honestly.

When the group date is over, Clare fakes going to bed to instead fulfill a life-long bucket list goal of swimming in the ocean.  Well, Clare.  I’d like to call BS on that.  You know, since you are from California and all that.  To use a line from Andi, honestly.  What you really meant was you’d like to fulfill a lifelong goal of having sex with Juan Pablo in the ocean in Vietnam.  That’s a more accurate goal description.  Is it weird that my bucket list goals are so much bigger than that?  Like writing a novel?

At 4:00 AM, Clare rings the bell at Juan Pablo’s house and invites him to take a dip in the ocean.  But by dip, she means sex.  They run into the ocean.  Clare tells the confession cam, “it was like heaven on earth.”  Juan Pablo says Clare was on fire.  Then he says fire like 7 times in Spanish.  “The waves were wild, and we got a little wild ourselves,” Juan Pablo confessed.  Clare said, “we just went for it, and I don’t regret it.  Pure bliss.  In every way.” I know this show is all about editing.  But come on.  These two totally had sex.  In the ocean.  At 4 AM.  Nobody describes jumping in the ocean (especially someone who lives in a state on the ocean) as “pure bliss, in every way.”  In her post-coital haze, Clare proclaims “hands down one of the best nights of my entire life.  We all deserve to feel that amazing, amazing feeling.”  Then she says something about being a giraffe and having wobbly legs.

Second One-on-One Date: Nurse Nikki

Talk about sloppy seconds.  For the date, Nurse Nikki decides to steal a look from the Free Spirit and wear a headband across her forehead.  She also borrows some shorts from Chris Harrison’s 11 year old daughter.  Truthfully, if I were 97 lbs and didn’t have cellulite, I’d wear clothes from the Limited Too too.  I’m actually not sure where 13 year old girls shop anymore.  Abercrombie?

Nurse Nikki and Juan Pablo meet up and Nurse Nikki once again fails to make eye contact while she talks to Juan Pablo.  Juan Pablo takes Nurse Nikki to a cave into which they will repel.  She has anxiety, he calms her, she says this is just like falling in love, blah blah blah.  Same story, different venue.   Nikki finally understands Plato’s Allegory of the Cave and vows to reread the Republic.  Actually she vows to read it for the first time ever because she remembered that due to a Phi Cappa Cappa toga party, she just couldn’t get to it.

All I can think about is this sad Zoloft commercial that used to make my roommate and me cry over in college.  It was this poor little lonely egg trapped in a cave!  Maybe we needed some Zoloft…

commercial_zoloft_cave

When Nurse Nikki and Juan Pablo are out of the cave they head to dinner.  Unfortunately Nikki forgot pants but decided her yoga tank top would make a nice dress.  She realizes she’s one sneeze away from showing Juan Pablo her…well, you know what…but she realizes it’s worth it if she’s ever going to find a husband.  Drastic times call for drastic measures.

Juan Pablo tells Nikki he is tired because he didn’t get much sleep last night.  Ugh.  I bet you are.

Nikki says she is not a morning person and that “not everybody is sunshine and rainbows all the time.”  I KNOW you aren’t….

nurse nikki

Is this chick too young for Rainbow Brite?  She was definitely all sunshine and rainbows all the time.  Rose for Nurse Nikki.

Rose Ceremony 

The girls gather on couches under some colorful lanterns and wait for Clare’s boyfriend to arrive.  When he does, he drops a bomb on them – 3 people are headed home tonight.  The girls sit in awkward silence but Clare, still feeling blissful, proposes a toast: “cheers to finding love, being loved, and making love.”  Clare giggles, the girls glare, and Juan Pablo starts to sweat.  He needs to talk to Clare soon to find out if she was able to track down some Plan B.  He’s seriously worried about this being a reality:

clare and jp

But before that happens, Juan Pablo and Renee finally kiss. Renee was as excited as a little school girl.  It was pretty cute.  I wonder how that kiss would feel knowing he just had sex with someone else?

Juan Pablo pulls a Mesnick over the balcony while he agonizes over his Clare tryst.  He finds Clare and asks if anyone knows about what happened.  Clare says no.  Juan Pablo puts on an “I’m an asshole” shirt and tells Clare that their little love affair was “a little weird for me.”  He tells her it wasn’t right because he is trying to get to know everyone carnally and he needs to be fair.  He tells her it’s about fairness 10 times and when that doesn’t work with Clare, he pulls out his daughter card.

  • JP: I have a daughter.  I don’t want her to see what happened.  I don’t want her to see that you tricked me into the ocean and took advantage of me.  I was not a willing participant in your charade because your sexual prowess overcame me.  You are a terrible example for my kid.  What’s her name?  Whatever.  This is all your fault.
  • Clare:  [looks away, starts to cry, shakes head]
  • JP: Look at me.  HEY.  Look at me!  Listen to me!
  • Clare:  I feel stupid and embarrassed.
  • JP:  I’ll never tell you anything else again since you’re crying now.

Clare goes back to the cocktail party and her feelings are hurt (umm rightfully so Clare).  I officially hate Juan Pablo.  What a total !#!(*@(#*@&#@(* (insert your desired expletive).  What sort of person willfully jumps into the ocean with someone, presumably has sex with said person, and then tells them they can’t put them in that position again.  As though she took advantage of him?  And now he’s trying to make her feel like a slut?  Unbelievable.  Hey Juan Pablo, want to be a good example for Cammmeeeeeeeeela?  Don’t use women and then make THEM feel bad about it.  Or better yet, don’t be on this show.

Danielle, Dog Lover, and Alli all leave the show rose-less and STD-less.  Lucky ladies.  Sharleen sobs over the departure of one of these ladies.  Are you SURE you’re into Juan Pablo and his kind, Sharleen?

So, what do you guys think?  Did they or didn’t they?  Weigh in!

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Post will be up later this week!

It’s taking me an abnormally long time to write about infinity scarves and sex in the ocean.  As soon as I sort through Clare and Juan Pablo’s grown sexy encounter, I’ll report back.  In the mean time, would you rather be a baby giraffe or a panda?

Also, who knew this was a foreshadow of Clare and Juan Pablo’s relationship in 9 months?

clare and jp

I Know You’ve Swallowed Bigger Things Than That

I don’t know about you but I’m feeling pretty darn grown sexy today.  If you have no idea what I’m talking about, consider yourself lucky.  But back to Juan Pablo, who is desperately hoping to find the light to his bug…

Like every good Bachelor love story, the journey aventura to find love, requires a journey– literally.  The remaining 13 never gonna happen potential step-mothers travel to Seoul, South Korea.  I can only hope that 90% of these chicks end up lost and on the wrong side of the DMZ.  Could you imagine any of these people sentenced to hard labor in North Korea? I don’t even think Kim Jong Un would want them.

When the girls find out they are headed to SK, they all shriek and scream and Sharleen displays emotion for the first time EVER.  Is it weird that mentioning South Korea made the girls far more excited than any mention of Juan Pablo?

excited

Clare is totally overjoyed with the prospect of the trip but is really bummed that she “doesn’t even have a kimono!”  You know, the traditional Japanese garment?  Listen Clare, I know you probably aren’t headed to a career with the State Department but come on.  Put the peroxide down.

You know what would be an actual test of a relationship?  Traveling the way the rest of us do.  Flying in coach (which always reminds me of the 3rd class of Titanic), staying in gross hotels (like the time my bed smelled like vomit but my mom didn’t believe me and told me to go to sleep only to discover hours later that there was, in fact, vomit all over the bed.  Thanks for that one mom), eating on the cheap, getting totally lost, and hating your travel companion.  That’s the real deal.  I could fall in love with a door knob if I got to travel with ABC footing the bill and making the arrangements.  Even without a kimono!

The girls land in KOREA with more stuff than I own in my entire apartment.  Was anyone else hoping they’d play the MASH theme song when they landed?  Probably just my family.

First Group Date: Blondes Only Please (and one token brunette) 

Nurse Nikki is irritated that she has to go on a group date.  She’s doesn’t have sisters and so she’s not used to sharing her boyfriend.  She has a strange idea of what it’s like to have sisters.  I have a whole bunch of them and we’ve never had to share boyfriends.  I guess I’ll consider myself lucky.   JP borrows an extra pair of the girls’ capri length yoga pants for the date.  All the other girls pick out their best LuLu yoga pants to match and meet Juan Pabs at a Korean entertainment studio, home of K-Pop.  That’s actually sort of a perfect nickname for myself.  I think I’ll start calling myself that.  But really, I have no idea what K-Pop is.  I’m assuming it stands for Korean Pop?  Oppa Gangnam Style. The girls will be dancing with Korean’s most famous K-Pop group, 2NE1 (21).  I guess I thought that guy who gave us that super annoying song I just referenced was the most famous K-Pop group, but I stand corrected.  None of the girls have any idea who 2NE1 is but they are all excited when Juan Pablo references the Spice Girls.

Kat starts dancing wildly while singing to Juan Pablo, “yo, I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really really want….”  Nurse Nikki cannot stand sharing her boyfriend and yells at Kat to stop monopolizing JP with her lame Spice Girls rendition.  (Most of these girls are probably too young to even appreciate the amazingness of the Spice Girls.  My 6th grade besties and I had the BEST dance to Wannabe).

The main girl from 2NE1 tells the girls they are going to teach them some of their correography moves.  Did anyone else think she looked and sounded exactly like Snooki?  I think this group is secretly from Jersey.  Kat, who has been dancing since before she could walk, is thrilled with this date.  She uses the opportunity to showcase her cheerleader moves, hip-hop and jazz all at once. Yay for high-kicks! Nikki does her best “sprinkler,” and vows not to “pout” and “throw a giant fit” like she kind of wants to.  Way to be mature about this Nurse Nikki.  The girls learn some dance moves, Kat dances her k-pop butt off, Nikki glares at her and rolls her eyes, and the ex-NFL dancer Cassandra demonstrates why she’s an “ex” NFL dancer.  Seriously, shouldn’t she be a great dancer?  I don’t understand!  In a SHOCKING twist, the girls find out they will be joining 2NE1 on stage as “backup dancers” at the local mall where 150,000 screaming prepubescent teenagers will be screaming for One Direction 2NE1.  More Nikki glaring, more Kat dancing.

At the after party, Nurse Nikky continues to be a Negative Nancy, saying that Kat acts one way when the cameras aren’t around and then says, “who wants some guacamole,” when the cameras are around.  I’m not totally sure what that means.  You’d have to see the clip.  Nikki is starting to annoy me.  Is it editing?  Or is she just kind of snotty?   She calls Kat fake and says nobody can be that “on” all the time.  Well, if you are naturally a debbie downer, that’s true -you cannot comprehend happiness.  Nikki uses her alone time to whine to JP and proves again that whining works.  She tells the camera, “this isn’t a game for me.”  Oh, taking a line from AshLee!  This isn’t just some silly little game! Rose for Nikki.

Second Date: Sharleen, Are You My Seoul Mate? 

The answer to that is a resounding NO.   Sharleen puts on her puffiest pair of shorts and a pair of black sheer nylons and declares herself ready to explore Seoul — the city and JP’s.  They eat some exotic food and then head to a tea-house for some unenthusiastic conversation.  It was like this:

  • Sharleen: [monotone] I have the most random degree in music.
  • JP: That’s ok, it’s what you do for a living.  I can’t wait to hear you sing.
  • Sharleen:  UGH.
  • Sharleen: [monotone] You are kinda cheeky.  It makes you interesting.  And Not. Bland.*
  • JP:  Bland?
  •  Sharleen: [monotone] It means you aren’t devoid of flavor. Learn English.  UGH.
  • Sharleen: [even more monotone] You are not bland.  And that is a very good thing (uttered in the most uninterested way possible).

*Footnote: I believe the psychological term for this is projecting, because Sharleen is in fact, insanely bland.  Plain white rice has more flavor than Sharleen.

After tea, JP takes Sharleen to some empty square so Sharleen can sing a few lines from The Little Mermaid.  Sharleen proclaims she NEVER does this on a first date.  EVER.  But for him, she does it.  Then they do their awkward make-out thing.  They head to dinner where basically Sharleen says she doesn’t like children, including his.  For some reason she still gets the rose. Cold fish.

Third Date: Korean Karaoke, Fishy Feet and Brunettes Only (one token blonde)

How the heck is the dog-lover still on this show?  Geesh.  The first stop is to sing a little Korean karaoke.  The girls yell and giggle, it’s just like, so much fun.  Next JP takes the girls to a place called Dr. Fish where the fish eat the dead skin off their feet.  Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, is all I heard for the next 5 minutes of this date.  So much shrillness.  Then they wander the streets of Seoul and eat exotic foods.  Clare fakes repulsion and finally agrees to eat a piece of octopus before fake gagging.  Kelly, the dog lover, is annoyed, “her piece was literally this big (holding fingers together to demonstrate size), and I know you’ve swallowed bigger things than that.”  Oh snap.

When darkness falls, the girls head to a cocktail party with Juan Paul.  JP pulls Renee aside first for some one-on-one time.  Renee tells the camera that she hasn’t had the opportunity to kiss him yet, but she’s hoping tonight’s the night (in the word’s of Rod Stewart).  Renee asks Juan Pablo what Cameeeela would think if she saw her kiss him?  Juan Pablo deflects and asks what her son would think?  Then he tells her he needs to set a good example for Cameeeeela.  He tells the camera he’s already kissed six (6) girls so far and so he better stop locking lips with everyone who asks.  You know what doesn’t seem like a good example (well besides being on this show to begin with and running around kissing 6 people), using your child as the excuse when really, you’re just not into Renee.  He tells Renee he’s not in a hurry and let’s her down gently.  Renee respects him but compares not kissing Juan Pablo to being waterboarded.  She actually said “torture,” so I used the opportunity to insert a form of recognized torture.

As the girls sit around talking about kissing Juan Pablo, the seed is planted in Lauren’s mind that maybe it’s time to try to kiss him too.  Lauren pulls him aside and asks him to dance with her.  Considering he’s told the camera 27 times that his future wife needs to enjoy dancing, you’d think she’d be speaking his language (finally).  But he’s just not into it.  In her best Spanish she asks him for a kiss, to which he replies, “sorry.”  Oh man.  My heart sank for her.  And my rage against him grew.  She asks why?  And he said, “I have a daughter, and I don’t want her to see Daddy kissing a bunch of other girls.”  Um.  I’m sorry.  Did I hear that correctly?  You don’t want her to see you kissing a bunch of people, even though you’ve ALREADY KISSED SIX?  How dumb do you think Lauren is?  She knows you’ve kissed all those people, you stupido.  The rejection was palpable.  What I really hate about this is that she was really vulnerable and his rejection of her was cruel.  He can kiss whomever he wants but you can’t tell her you don’t want to kiss her because of Cameeeeela.  As we see 15 seconds later while you chew on Clare’s bottom lip, Cameeeeeela isn’t going to stop you from kissing anyone.

For the record, here’s who JP has kissed on camera:

  • Cameeeeeeeeeela
  • Des
  • Sharleen
  • Clare
  • Andi
  • Cassandra
  • Chelsea
  • Nurse Nikki
  • Chris Harrison
  • Not Lauren or Renee

Rose for Andi.  Rejection for Lauren.  Poor thing.  You’re too normal for this nonsense anyway.

Rose Ceremony 

Monotone Sharleen is very happy to have a rose tonight.  Even if her voice doesn’t register emotion, she’s still very happy.  Nikki borrows a dress from her 14 year old sister and asks the dog lover to sew her into it.  She says that just because she has the rose does not mean she’s forgoing her time with Juan Pablo tonight.  It’s her time to be selfish, gosh darn it.  During the one-on-one time Nikki becomes paranoid that Juan Pablo is hinting at drama in the house.  Nikki declares war on Clare who was just talking to Juan Pablo before Nikki interrupted.  Nikki tells the Dog-lover about her conversation with Juan Pablo and her theory that Clare is bad-mouthing her .  Dog-lover uses the opportunity to stir the pot when Clare sits down with her and Nikki.

  • Dog Lover: Umm, I feel really awkward.
  • Clare: Why?
  • Dog Lover: Because Nikki says that you hate her.
  • Clare:  What?
  • Dog Lover:  You told Juan Pablo that Nikki is causing drama in the house. I feel super awkward sitting between you guys because it is like, really tense.  And I didn’t even cause any of this drama. I’m just a dog-lover.
  • Clare:  I have no idea what you’re talking about.
  • Dog Lover:  So tense.
  • Clare:  Ok whatever.   Juan Pablo and I just make out when we’re together.  We never talk.

Dog lover is a real female dog, if you know what I mean.  Why is she still ON this show?

When the roses are handed out, Lauren and Elise are left empty handed.  How amazing was Juan Pablo’s lip-syncing to K-Pop at the end of the night?  It was the most I’ve ever liked him.

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This Sucks, I mean do I look athletic at all?

Can someone please wake me up when it’s hometown dates?  Because I just fell asleep.  What a snooze fest! Is Juan Pablo the most boring bachelor in the history of bachelors?  I think I’d have a more interesting time watching paint dry.  Or watching the grass grow.  Or rewatching Jake Pavelka’s season.  But for you, my hopefully equally judgmental loyal readers, I will persevere and give you what you came here for: snark and sarcasm (are those the same things?)  Remind me to research that.

It’s week three at El Grande Casa (does that roughly translate into mansion in Spanish?  I haven’t a clue; I took German.  If anyone is interested, mansion in German is villa, which is oddly disappointing for a German word.  I think it should be more like großhaus, which translates to big house.)  Wow, I have deviated majorly off course!  Anyway, half the girls are bummed their “boyfriend” is dating “25 other girls,” half the girls really hope a modeling agency is watching the show, and another half of the girls is convinced Juan Pablo is “the one.”  I realize that three halves is more than a whole but I’m a lawyer, not a mathematician.  In sum, the show is as predictable as Miley Cyrus’ tongue sticking out in every photo.  She’s just bein’ Miley.  So what happened this week?  Well there were two one-on-one dates, a group date, an impromptu breakfast/ pool party, crying, and a wholeeeee bunch of awkwardness.  This week I’m focusing on the top five most awkward moments in order from least awkward (level of awkwardness example: I’d rather run into someone who took me on the world’s worst date than re-watch what just happened) to most awkward (level of awkwardness example: I’d rather have to seek  a paternity test from three people than re-watch what just happened.  Just so the record is clear, that statement was for shock purposes only.  I’d actually consider flinging myself off a bridge if that were my life.  The point is, that’s pretttty awkward yet less awkward than the MOST awkward thing that happened last night.  Confusing much?)  So without further ado:

5. Cassandra’s Last Date

Cassandra received the first one-on-one date with Juan Pablo.  Juan Pablo says he won’t waste her time if he knows he doesn’t “feel it” because she has a bambino.  He’s totally fine wasting everyone else’s time though.  Cassandra is thrilled because she tells us 15 times that she hasn’t been on a date in 3 years.  Just for your recollection, Cassandra is 21.  Yes, you read that correct- 21 years old.  Like not old enough to rent a car .  And she has a two year old.  So her last date was when she was 18.  18!  The first year she could legally vote for a president.  She was also probably still in high school.  I can only assume her baby daddy is the last date she had.  Apparently that was a verrrrrry good date.  Awkward.

Besides the awkwardness that ensues when Cassandra reminds us she was only 18 years old three years ago, I did have slight date envy (if I could pick my own date- not Juan Pablo).  How fun was that water-car?!  Or a “Wisconsin duck,” as they call it where I come from.  Anyone who has been to the Wisconsin Dells knows what I’m talking about.  Hey, maybe they should travel to the Dells!  Plenty of bikini wearing opportunities.   Cassandra giggles a ton and in between giggles declares this the best date ever.  Any date that involves creepy crotch grinding disguised as “salsa” with a stranger is usually the best date ever. Amirite?  (Mom, that’s internet lingo for “am I right.”)  Oh my gosh.  And did you see her PANTS?!  That’s awkward just on their own.  Did she paint them on?  Is it body paint?

cassandra pants

Rose for Cassandra, baby Trey, and those tight tight pants.  This is awkward too:

cassandra-ferguson-the-Bachelor-photos

That must have been right after her last date!

4.  Kelly’s Make-Up

We knew it was only a matter of time before ABC incorporated a soccer date into the show.  Juan Pablo and his “ladies” head to the LA Galaxy stadium for a friendly game of soccer.  And you know what I always find necessary for a good game of soccer?  Make up.  And lots of it.  Like a clown.  Or a drag-queen.

Kelly tells the camera, “This sucks, I mean do I look athletic at all?  And those balls hurt.”  No Kell, you definitely don’t look athletic.  You look like you’re ready to enter the Key West 11:00 PM drag-queen show.

drag_queen_makeup_1286405352

Obviously make up is Miss Kelly’s thang.  Later in the episode, Juanny stops by the mansion to cook the girls breakfast, hoping to see them in their “natural” states.  Much to Kelly’s horror, she encounters Juan Pablo before she had time to “put on her face.”  Her clown face I guess.  Kelly, you actually looked MUCH cuter in your glasses and PJs than with the make-up caked on.

3.  Elise Calls Chelsie a Little Girl 10000 times

Elise is convinced she will get the second one-on-one date with JP because she’s a woman, not a little girl.  The date card finally arrives and Elise is ecstatic that it’s finally her time for a date.  She envisions the perfect night ahead when all the sudden her dream is interrupted by the name “Chelsie.”  Elise’s jaw drops.  She quickly closes it when she realizes the ABC camera is zoomed in on her face.  She tells the camera everything went blank.  She  says, “I’m just not sure she’s [Chelsie] ready to be a step-mom.  She seems like a baby to me.”  Then she takes it a step further saying, “I don’t know if having another daughter is what he wants.”

Oh man, Elise.  You are pretty annoying.  You know what is not mature, wifely or motherly?  Constantly calling someone a little girl.  The only one who seems to fit that description right now is you!  Jealous much?  Shesh. And also, Juan Pablo might actually want another daughter.

The Little Girl Chelsie leaves for her date and Elise searches the mansion for anyone willing to listen to her little girl theory.  She finds, Cassandra, the 21 year old.  The youngest girl in the house.  We hear the same spiel again and it goes something like this:

  • Elise: Chelsie is such an effing little girl.  She’s just so young!!
  • Cassandra: I know, she is young, huh?
  • Elise:  Yes, she’s like 25.  She can’t be a Mother.  Or a wife.
  • Cassandra: Oh, but I’m younger than Chelsie.   I’m 21 AND a Mother.
  • Elise: Yeah, but you look old.

4.  Juan Pablo Induces an Anxiety Attack and Doesn’t Even Care

The Little Girl, Chelsie, gets the second juan-on-juan date.  Juan Pablo explains that in a relationship trust is very important and he wants to see if she trusts him.  And because ABC loves to exploit people’s fears, JP takes Chelsie to a bridge to jump off.

Suddenly I feel like the little girl.  Whenever I did something moderately stupid (probably really stupid) and when pressed for an explanation for my behavior, I’d often whine, “but everyone was doing it!”  My mom would get mad and yell, “oh so if all your friends jumped off a bridge, you would too?”  I’m sure every kid was asked that by their parents at some point in their life. [crickets chirping].  No?  Just me?  Well I’ve since learned not jump off bridges, proverbial or otherwise, just because everyone else is doing it.

And I wish Chelsie’s mom would have asked her that question too.  As C & JP perch on the bridge’s ledge, Chelsie begins to shake and cry.  I am worried she might faint.  This is seriously what a panic attack looks like.  Somebody lay her down and get her feet in the air!  But instead of telling Chelsie she doesn’t have to jump off the bridge if it’s causing her this much anxiety, he says to her “just do it for me.”  And he tells her to trust him.

just jump

Trust you?  Um that doesn’t even make sense.  The only things to trust are the bungee cord and the safety harness.  How is a tandem jump a trust exercise?  Juan Pablo cannot control Chelsie plummeting to her death.  And also, I’d rather not plummet to my death strapped to a total stranger.  And you know what else I don’t want to do?  Go on a date that causes me an anxiety attack and when I tell my date this he says, “do it any way.”  Um no thanks!  Come si dice, “a-hole?”  Only after Chelsie is moments away from fainting does Juan Pablo tell her she doesn’t have to do it if she doesn’t really want to.  Suddenly, Chelsie has a change of heart and leaps off.  I can only assume ABC stopped by with some xanax.  Or body doubles.

keep-calm-and-bungee-jump

Rose for trusting Chels.  I know that together Chelsie and Juan Pablo can overcome anything now.  Cue the groans.

And the most AWKWARD thing that happened this week that made me actually hide underneath my blanket begging for it to stop was…

5.  Sharleen’s God-awful Kiss

After the soccer date, JP leads Sharleen down to the soccer field for some juan-on-juan time.  Shar tells the camera, in the most monotone voice EVER that she’s nervous because “there’s just some chemistry there that you don’t find every day.”  Weird.  Two weeks ago you said you didn’t feel anything and didn’t think you should accept the rose.  You thought there would be more “insta-chemistry.”  Make up your mind.  For the record, I was also not very good at chemistry.  Elements are so hard!

Shar and JP sit down on a blanket and Shar tells JP she’s been thinking about the time they have and “how organic it feels.”  I seriously have no idea what that means.  Free of hormones?  No GMOs?  Natural?

PS – that’s an awesome song.  Anyway, the next thing that happened will be etched in my brain forever.  It’s like living through a traumatic moment and replaying it over and over and over again.  JP leans in to kiss Sharleen.  She leans away from him, licks her lips, then attacks him with her tongue.  I don’t even know what I just watched.  Juan Pablo doesn’t know what just happened either but he suddenly feels like he’s 15 again but not in a good way.   He abruptly ends the kiss.  Sharleen asks for a re-do after she says she’s “still trying to figure it out.”  Kissing?  Come on Sharleen.  You’re too old to be trying to “figure it out.”  Icky.  Round two was just as awful and gross.  Her mouth was disgustingly open while his was closed.  It was just so cringe-worthy.

Kelly, the dog lover, gives Sharlene this meme to make her feel better:

kiss

At the rose ceremony JP said goodbye to Free Spirit and Christy (who nobody remembered).  Let’s hope next week I don’t have to hide behind my blanket quite so many times.  What did you find awkward? Does anyone else think Sharleen needs to go?  Something just ain’t right with that sista.

 

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That’s what life is about – straddling people. And things.

It’s week two at the mansh, amigos!  That means El Guapo (who LOVED the Three Amigos growing up and was stunned to learn “el guapo” means “handsome one” in Spanish? This girl!)  is one week closer to finding a new mama for Cameeeela.  And that  prospective new mommy is one step closer to becoming the next Bachelorette.  What tactics will be employed to try to land Mr. Pablo?  Full frontal nudity?  Check.  Tiny bikinis?  Check.  Straddling?  Check.  Teenage motherhood?  Check.  

Clare offers to frost Juan Pablo’s tips at no cost for the duration of the Bachelor in exchange for the first date.  He agrees with this arrangement; his hair isn’t going to dye itself.  JP arrives at La Casa Bach to pick up Clare in his ABC issued car.  Not nearly as cool as Des’ adorable aqua Bentley – are you slipping ABC?

Juan walks into the living room where 18 vultures women stalk their prey greet him.  They are almost all holding wine glasses but I assume they took turns taking tequila shots off of the Free Spirit’s stomach before JP arrived.  Clare puts on her best Amelia Earhart coat (in LA, in the summer) and they head out on their date. 

ameliaclare

I heard aviation is huge this fashion season.  Instead of goggles, Juan decides it’s necessary to blindfold Clare during the car ride.  Clare instantly starts referencing 50 Shades of Gray and confesses to the camera she always hoped JP would be a little bit like Christian Gray.  JP says that as a Latin Lover he gives lots of surprises, which in this case included making poor Clare motion sick.  Not quite the blindfold experience she had in mind.  Despite Clare having to throw up out the window, Clare proclaims JP smells so good, “like Heaven in a bottle.”  But I suppose compared to vomit, he probably does smell pretty good.

To my surprise, Juan Pablo drives Clare all the way to Minnesota.  Now I’m really glad I’m not on this stupid show.  If I had flown all the way to LA and was taken to some fake snow scene, I think I would have freaked out.  I would have demanded an island date immediately.  But alas, the couple was actually still in LA.  They borrowed Hugh Hefner’s snow machine to create a winter wonderland (I may have seen an episode or two of the Girls Next Door to know that Hugh does in fact have a snow machine).  But Clare-bear is less cynical about cold than I am and she giggles like a school girl the entire time.  Seriously, it was nothing but “he-he-he-he-he-he-he,” for the entire date.

Meanwhile, back at La Casa Bach, Lucy is heating things up by soaking topless in the hot tub.  She decides it’s a good time to tell the girls about her bra burning rally she has planned next week on the driveway.  All Bachelor contestants, past and present, are encouraged to participate. Swimsuit tops are an acceptable item to burn too.

bra

Back at the date Clare says this fairy-tale date is the best ever and it’s just fab.  She’s ready to marry Juan Pablo.  Clare turns the conversation serious and tells JP about her Father dying.  Pabs offers no condolences at ALL.  Apparently his heart is too frozen from the fake snow.  Rose for Clare. Clare takes that as in invitation to start aggressively making out with Juanny in the hot tub.  First hot tub make out of the season!  And because this show is stupidly predictable, a private concert suddenly starts with some unknown dude.  Ugh.  Clare declares this the best date she’s ever had.  She should just move to Minneapolis – every date involves snow Clare, starting with first pushing your car and a stranger’s out of the snow!

The second one-on-one date goes to Kat, with the world’s cutest dimples.  This date is so stupid I almost don’t want to write about it.  I think it’s officially the worse date in Bachelor history – I’d rather watch them do a stupid play in a park than see another date like this.  That’s sayin’ something because I HATE the play dates!  The date starts out promising on ABC’s private jet.  Until Juan P appears in some ugly neon light-up tracksuit midway through the flight.  Kat is contractually obligated to put on some equally obnoxious light-up clothes and the plane lands in… Utah.  He took her to the “Electric Run, ” which looks like the most annoying race on the planet (in case you are wondering, it’s $55.00 a person – to run 3.2 miles- dressed in neon).  The couple joins a giant mass of people all dressed up in neon and glow-things.  JP proceeds to jump around and scream like an annoying frat boy.  I never saw any actual running but apparently they did and at the conclusion of the “race,” Juan and Kat take the stage for more jumping and yelling.  What  a date.  I can’t believe I’m saying this (especially because I’m actually a runner) but I’d rather be on the fake Minnesota date.  Rose for Kat even though they never exchanged any words to each other.

Back at La Casa, the girls receive the third date card, which is a group date.  Lucy worries how she will get JP’s attention if she can’t flash him on the date.  I’m not sure Lucy makes the best hippy – a true bra burning hippy would never want JP to see her only as a sex object.  The girls put on their shortest dresses possible and join Juan Pablo on a date to shoot a photo campaign with dogs.  The creative director gives Lucy a fire-hydrant to wear for the shoot.  And then, in the lowest move by ABC in a long time, Andi and Elise, the only two people with legitimate careers, are told they will be posing nude for the shoot.  The first grade teacher and the attorney.  Nude.  Nada.

Elise resourcefully asks Lucy to trade “outfits.”  Lucy is thrilled to be nude.  Smart move Elise, smart move.  Meanwhile, Andi feels panicked at the thought of posing nude since you know, she puts people in jail for a living.  But Juan Pablo tells her to “trust him,” and with those two words, Andi throws her career out the window.  Who needs a JOB when you have 5 minutes of fame?!  Also, I would love to be in a negotiation with Andi – she seems willing to cave very very easily.

I am majorly questioning Andi’s judgment.  She just spend years and thousands of dollars on her education and she is willing to potentially jeopardize her entire career for this?  A photo shoot week two of the Bachelor?  Seriously?  I object!  Oh and Andi, do you really want to date a guy who makes you do stuff on a date that you are not comfortable with?  I don’t!  I want my date to respect my boundaries, but that’s just me.  I’m sure everyone in the courtroom will take you seriously now that this is out there:

andi

Oh the little black privacy box of shame.  After the shoot, the group heads to an LA hotel rooftop bar.  Victoria decides it’s best to get an IV of alcohol because drinking the regular way always takes so long.  Cassandra nervously decides it’s time to tell Juan Pablo, the single dad, that she is a single mother.  Cassandra is very worried what JP will think.  Obviously it’s ok to be a single dad but not a single mother!  The horrors.  Or maybe she’s worried about what Juan Pablo will think knowing she’s only 21 (yes, 21!  AH!) and has an almost-two year old that she abandoned to come chase around some random dude.  Who cares about mother-child bonding when you’ve got Juan Pablo.

Back at the rooftop, Victoria starts slurring her words, “this is how I emmmm sobberrr.”  Drunk people always love to proclaim, “I’m not drunk!” as they fall down.  Getting defensive, Victoria tells the girls, “I’m just fun. Sober.”  In the least sober voice ever.  I can practically smell the booze through my computer screen.  In the confession cam, Victoria delivers the best line in Bachelor history, “if Juan Pablo is mine, I’m going to straddle him every dayyyyyy…cuz that’s what life is about – straddling people.  And things.”  Amazing Victoria, amazing.  Could I get that printed on an inspirational magnet?  Case in point:

133627_5977

Sadly due to an epic drunken breakdown in the bathroom, this is Vicky’s only chance to straddle JP.  But before the bathroom breakdown, Vicky sits alone in the rooftop hot tub and says that during the photo shoot, she gave JP the “hymen maneuver,” and thus deserves a rose.  Yes, you read that correctly (unless Vicky really did MEAN hymen maneuver and it’s just some new sex move?)  But then she says it again.  Oh Vicky.  Oh Vicky, Vicky, Vicky.  Mr. Heimlich himself probably needs a hymen maneuver after this. But Vicky’s gems don’t stop there.  She asks the camera, “whose legs do I have to hump around here to get some one-on-one time, huh?”  Well since you asked, I’d start with Chris Harrison!

When her system literally cannot handle it any more, Victoria runs to the bathroom to throw up cry.  Sweet Renee comforts hysterical, drunk Victoria.  Victoria declares she is DONE and wants to go home.  She exits the bathroom and tells the producers she is leaving.  They tell her she can’t leave without shoes and for her safety, she can’t leave.  Victoria throws up on a producer and they offer her some champagne to get the vomit taste out of her mouth.  Victoria is given a hotel room to pass out in for the night. Kelly, the dog lover, gets the rose– apparently for no other reason than she looked awful during the photo shoot:

kelly

The next day, Juan Pablo stops by the hotel to tell Victoria no amount of leg humping will get her one-on-one time anymore.  Victoria says, “I guess I should apologize for setting off the crazy train.  Welcome to Brazil!”  I’m sure all Brazilian women really appreciate being lumped in with you, crazy train.  You seem like you’d make an outstanding step-mother for Cameeeeeeeeeela.  Sorry Vicky but your sad sorry just won’t cut it.  Time to find someone else or thing to straddle.

At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Juan Pablo pulls Amy L. aside for some one-on-one time.  What happens next will scar me for life. Amy L. conducts a mock interview with Juan Pablo that leaves the audience stunned that some news network actually pays her to do this.  Seriously, she needs a new career.  It was so amateur – I felt like I was watching a 12-year-old version of myself.  And trust me, that’s just embarrassing.   I know a news station in northern Wisconsin that would be perfect for Amy.  This is Kate reporting live from the Bachelor rose ceremony, where Amy L. was just sent home without a rose.  Throwing it back to the studio!

No rose for you either Chantel.  But unlike Victoria and Amy, you left with your dignity intact, so for that reason, you are a winner.

See you next week, mi amores!

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