She’s like a unicorn

As soon as I find out this week’s episode will take place in Atlantic City, all I can think about is Sex and the City and the much more colorful name Samantha calls Atlantic City.  Think of  a word that rhymes with City and means boobies.   That show is so much more hilarious than this dreadful nightmare!

The 13 remaining men head to Atlantic City, where #hashtag Kasey keenly observes that this is just like Vegas…but on the ocean.  Well put Kasey, well put.  Nothing like stating the obvious, my tall-haired friend.  The guys get to their Atlantic City hotel where they are thrilled to be away from the mansion  and finally able to sleep in beds that Jake and Vienna never touched.  Or the dude who wore the mask.  Or Bentley.  Or Ben and Courtney.

First One on One, Brad: Let our Love Shine Through (is that a reference to Brad’s propensity for domestics?  Like a shiner?  A black eye?)

They head to the Boardwalk where Brad admits that the reason he got into the domestic is because his ex found out he likes men, not women. Seriously, I do NOT believe this dude likes women.  After riding some coasters, Des and Brad go to a salt water taffy and chocolate factory.  After they get loaded up on sugar, they ride the carousel.  Brad says in the most monotone, most FLAT affect voice I’ve ever heard “this has been fun.”  Des enthusiastically agrees with a “yeah.”

You know when I say things are fun?  Generally when they aren’t that fun.  It’s sort of like listening to a lame story and replying, “that’s hilarious.”  But you really don’t think it’s hilarious.  Also, you know what sounds more fun than riding a carousel?  Not riding a carousel.

There is a sand castle involved, a giant winter scarf, and a dinner with conversation as bland as unseasoned ground chuck.  Des decides she doesn’t want to chance Brad pulling a Larry Craig, so he sends him packing.  Well, first she makes him trek to the top of a lighthouse.  Then, when she catches her breath she tells him a wide-stance can’t be in her future.

widestance

Group Date: I’m Looking for my Mister Right
Brooks, Bryden, Zak W,  Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Zack K, Mikey, Ben, Michael, Chris

On the group date, the men will be competing in a pageant for the title of Mr. America.  Where has this date been all my life?  This MUST become a regular date on this show.  Des meets up with the men and Brooks says that Des is a “mystical creature.  She’s like a unicorn.”  Um ok.  Moving on.  Ms. America is also on the date and I can’t help but notice many of the men seem more into her than the unicorn.  Michael is thrilled.  He said, “as a young kid I often dreamed of becoming Mr. America.”  Wait. What? Cue the groans.

The boys meet their pageant coach and start working on their talents.  Chris realizes his real talent is showing off his perfectly sculpted (and what appears to be silky smooth) legs and therefore opts for a pair of stilettos.  Aside from talent, the men will also face an interview round and of course, the reason we are watching, a swim-suit contest.

The men are assigned swimsuits.  Some unfortunately have to wear Des’ swimsuit bottoms.  Others get to sport much cuter ones straight from the 2013 Vineyard Vines catalog.  Official swimsuit regulation rules: no inseam is allowed to be longer than 5 inches.  Juan Pablo is thrilled to see his own banana hammock shipped all the way from Venezuela.  That’s a relief.  Ben is worried he doesn’t have the goods to fill out Des’ size 2 bikini bottoms.  Mikey is devastated his suit is the regulated 5 inches and thus, Des’ won’t be able to fully appreciate his package.

Ladies and Gentleman, it’s time for the SHOW!  Judging from the size of those suits, get out your dollar bills.  The Almighty Chris is here to host in front of the live audience.

Interviews:

Kasey

Q: In a relationship are you a giver or a taker?
AI’m a giver.  I’m a romantic.  It’s why I wear my hair so high.  Her love electrocutes me.

Zak

Q: If you could be water or fire, which would you be and why?
A: Fire.  It’s my responsibility to burn her.

Brooks

Q: If you could be any animal what would you be?
A: A cat. Meow.

Chris

Q: What relationships skills do you feel you need to improve upon and be specific.
A: 
Take her out to dinner more times than necessary.  I don’t think it’s necessary for women to eat. At least not often.

Juan Pablo

Q: Explain your ideal woman.
A: 
She has to love my daughter.  Oh yeah, Des, I have a kid. Did I forget to mention that?  And she has to be a good dancer.  Because we all know, intelligence, honestly, kindness–those things only get you so far.

Mikey

Q: What is one thing most women do not understand about men, and why not?
A: 
Women just see me as a piece of meat.  What they don’t understand is that under all that meat, is more meat.  I cry inside.  I like long walks on the beach, especially before a big ol’ glass of creatine.

Talents:

Kasey

Kasey tells an adorable story about tap dancing as a kid and then does a little tap.  #thatwaskindofcute

Mikey

After Mikey asks Des to see him as more than a piece of meat, he performs a dance act straight out of the movie Magic Mike, complete with dancing pecs, an oiled up body, and handstand push-ups.  Mikey is disappointed when he realizes his only dollar came from Brad.

Brooks

Brooks brings a ukulele made for a three-year old and sings an impromptu song about his white swimsuit.  In true rocker fashion, he smashes his (what I can only assume is his niece’s) uke.

Ben

Ben has no talent except annoying people and the Judges decided that wouldn’t be acceptable.  So they give him a pair of rhythmic gymnastic ribbons and he receives three pity claps.

Drew

Drew reads Shakespeare to Des while wearing a giant over-sized coat.  Des’ thinks it’s a line from Clueless and likes it.

Chris

His legs.  Wow.  How are they so slender and shapely!?  Can I have a pair please? Chris’ silky smooth legs come out in 5 inch heels, a tiny pair of shorts, and hula hoops on top.  Adorbs.

Bryden

Bryden tried to “Magic Mike” it too but completely failed.  Thrusting your junk into Des’ face over and over again is not a talent.  It was like a dog.  He might as well have peed on a fire hydrant.

Zak W

Zak shocks all of America when he reveals he actually HAS talent!  He plays her a sweet little song on the gee-tar and Des swoons.  Bryden regrets the air-humping.

Swimsuits:

Drew looks amazing.  I actually wanted to rewind.  Mikey comes out, like a meat-head. Zak W’s red swimsuit will scar me for life.  Brooks looks scrawny but did some pretty awesome poses.  Ben found a sock in the dressing room right before he came on stage. Zack blew a kiss and the viewing audience at home wondered who he was.

Finally, it’s time to tally the votes.  Second runner-up: Brooks.  First runner-up:  Zak W.  And the winner and the FIRST EVER Mr. Bachelor America: Kasey!  Kasey wonders if he can go on a date with the actual Ms. America as his prize.  #seriously.

Thank you ABC for finally making a date worth my time!  After the pageant, the party heads to an indoor pool (yuck).  Chris pulls her aside to tell her that he writes poetry.  He shares with her the following poem:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Ben’s kind of a tool
And a pretty big fool.

Des thinks the poem is very good and makes out with him. Bryden seconds the poem.  He hates Ben too. Meanwhile, back at the hotel, James takes a manly bubble-bath and sips some champagne.

Zak W. gets the rose.

Second One on One Date: James – Can Our Love Weather the Storm

Out of respect for the people impacted by Sandy, I’m not even going to talk about this date.  I think it’s absurd that ABC is using a show like the Bachelorette, the least serious show to ever exist, to showcase a natural disaster.  It’s not the venue.  If ABC wants to do a special on Sandy and how to help out, fine do that.  But don’t act like this is somehow HELPING victims of Sandy.  This is not the nightly news.  This is not dateline.  If ABC REALLY wanted to help, they would have helped.  They could have had the guys go on a group date and rebuild things, clean, work at a shelter, etc.  Instead, they had Des tour the damage like she was freakin’ Barack Obama!  Sorry ABC, but this felt exploitative.

James got a rose.

At the rose ceremony, Bryden was completely disinterested in Des and seemed like he was ready to saddle up his horse and head back to Montana.  Sadly Des was completely unaware of this and sent Zack K went home.  Man, I don’t even know who that guy is!

Next week the gang is headed to Germany, where Des hopes to fall in love with a nice German lad. Oh ja.  Sehr gut!  Meanwhile, Juan Pablo hopes to find a beautiful Italian lady.  Ciao, Bella.

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