I’m Your Beefcake

SPOILER ALERT:  In the most dramatic rose ceremony EVER in Bachelor history, Sean chooses…. CHRIS HARRISON!  I know, I was just as shocked.

But really, hope you’re comfy – we’ve got three hours of pure Bachelor bliss ahead.  In case you were wondering (don’t kid yourself, I KNOW you were wondering) these things can also be accomplished in three short hours:

  • Roast a 16 pound turkey 
  • Watch Dirty Dancing 1.7 times
  • Take a three hour nap
  • Run 20 miles
  • Read “The Great Gatsby”
  • Finally learn what exactly the Rule Against Perpetuities means (seriously, I’ll never totally get it)
  • Birth a child

But this is more special than that.  You get to watch Sean find fame love in three short hours!

The episode starts with Sean’s picture perfect family in Thailand to meet his final two ladies.  Seriously, who is this family? The Stepford Family?  The are all PERFECT!  It’s a little weird.  Sean’s totally adorable niece and nephew are there ready to evaluate the women.  The nephew kindly reminds Sean that “Emily didn’t pick you!”  I love these kids!  Anyway, Catherine is up first.

Catherine 

As Catherine gets out of the ABC van, she tells the camera she’s just a “ball of nerves.”  Is that different than a bundle of nerves?  Either way, she’s nervous!  Sean’s family is incredibly warm and inviting.  Momma Sherry pulls Catherine aside to get to know more about her and hear about Catherine and Sean’s connection.  Catherine tells Momma about the notes she passes Sean.  Momma Sherry warns Catherine not to pass notes in math class lest she wants a detention!  Mamma gives Catherine her stamp of apporval and sends her off to talk to Sean’s Dad the sweetest man in the world.

Sean’s Dad sits Catherine down to have a chat and Catherine tells Dadio she is “consumed by [Sean].”  That’s not at ALL awkward to say to your possible Father-in-Law.  Geez, why not just tell him you love to rub your tongue all over his pectorals while you’re at it Catherine!  But what Sean’s dad said next, in all seriousness, was the nicest thing I have EVER heard on this show.  I almost shed a tear.  I say almost, because I would have shed a tear had I not been yelling stuff in my man voice (a story for a different time).  Anyway, Sean’s dad says to Catherine if she joins the family, “you will never have a bigger fan than me.  I will love you like my daughter.”  Oh. My. Gosh.  I can’t even make fun of this exchange because it was just so sweet.

Lindsay 

Lindsay practices her baby voice all night to make sure it’s just right for Sean’s family.  When it’s perfect, she heads off to meet the picture perfect Lowes (at this point, my Bachelor party got distracted by Sean’s last name and needed to immediately confirm that he was not some sort of heir to the Lowe’s store.  If he was, I was about to get majorly upset that I missed my opportunity with Sean.  But, as far as we know, there’s no connection.  Phew.)

Lindsay keeps flailing her head back while she talks to Sean’s family about her journey with Sean.  Seriously, why does she keep putting her head back?  Are there answers written on the ceiling?  Pappa Jay sits down with Lindsay to ask the tough questions.  Immediately I am distracted by Jay’s HOT PINK v-neck t-shirt that he’s rocking underneath his blue button-down.  Looks like someone’s been at home shopping in Sean’s closet!  Jay tells Lindsay that on the day Sean was born, Sherry and Jay started praying for Sean’s wife.  Man, Jay strikes again!  Who is this man?  Maybe he should have a talk show.

Lindsay very awkwardly asks Jay if she can have Sean’s hand in marriage.  Then she bursts out hysterically laughing.  I can’t figure out if she is joking or if she’s just drunk again.  Tough call.

Debrief with The Cleavers 

Surprise surprise, the Cleavers like both girls and have nothing negative to say. Man, if this were my family we would probably tolerate one and hate the other.  Seriously, are these people normal?!  They are so nice.  The only one with any sense of reality seems to be Momma Sherry who kindly urges Sean not to propose to someone if he can’t decide between the girls with only 48 hours remaining.  Is it just me or would you resent your future husband if he didn’t know if he should propose to you or SOMEONE ELSE just 48 hours before he pops the question?   Momma can’t take it anymore  and starts to crack, pleading with Sean not to propose unless he’s absolutely certain.

Apparently Sean can become certain in 48 hours.  Sean puts on his tightest neon blue man-tank and sets out on his last two dates.

Last Date with Lindsay 

Teeny-tiny Lindsay shows up in her matching tank (twinsies!) and shorty shorts.  For the date Sean has arranged a float down the muddiest river I’ve ever seen on Tom Sawyer’s raft.  I expected Jim to appear any minute.  Sean takes the opportunity to stick his tongue down Lindsay’s throat a few more times (when in Rome!) probably fully knowing that he’s not going to marry her.  Later, Sean and Lindsay discuss how they’ll look when they are old.  Sean tells Lindsay he can picture her as “some hot old chick.”  Lindsay thinks this is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said so she responds with “I love you.”  Nothing says romance like being told you’ll be a hot old chick someday.

Sean puts on his requisite v-neck for the evening portion of the date, while Lindsay is dressed like she’s attending a wedding.  Not. On. The. Same. Page.  Lindsay reminds Sean that he has everything she’s ever wanted in a husband.  She tells Sean she “doesn’t know what she would do if she lost [him].”  Oh Lindsay, I have a feeling you’ll soon find out what you’ll do.  The two make out some more and Lindsay says the reason they kiss so much is because “that’s how he can really express himself to [her] right now.”  Right. I’m sure that’s it.  Poor girl, just a fool in love.

Lindsay and Sean end the night outside polluting the earth sending three lanterns into the air representing family, happiness and love.  Sean says, “at this moment, I really think she’s the one for me.”  Nothing says love like a qualifying statement!  As the lanterns float away, so does Lindsay’s shot at the Neil Lane.

Last Date with Catherine 

Sean puts on his deep-v purple shirt to greet Catherine.  Instead of a boring float down the dirtiest river ever, Catherine and Sean get to ride elephants!  Catherine says that even though she feels unstable on the elephant, Sean is there to make her feel stable.  CUE. THE. GROANS.  I’m sure he’ll come in handy when you fall off and your skull is cracked in two.

Catherine and Sean head back to Catherine’s ABC sponsored room so they can discuss their feelings some more.  Catherine explains she is nervous to express her feelings knowing Sean can’t fully express his.  But she knows what’s at stake (free ring, free wedding, expensive divorce) so she’s willing to open up.  At the end of the night, Catherine tells Sean she doesn’t want him to leave.  Catherine nervously and nearly silently whispers to Sean as he’s walking out the door, “Sean, I love you.”  Wow – what conviction!  For some reason the conversation remains in hushed tones until Sean leaves.  Catherine starts to panic when Sean leaves and chases after him.  Sean asks “what’s the matter.”  Well gee Sean, maybe it’s because you are dating someone else and I don’t know if you’ll propose to me or her tomorrow?  Maybe that’s what’s the matter?  Catherine feels frustrated by Sean’s lack of reciprocation and collapses on her canopy bed, distraught by the thought of losing Sean.  It is just me or does that canopy look super annoying?  What if you have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and you get all tangled up?  Catherine takes some of AshLee’s left over Xanax and passes out.

Proposal Day 

Suddenly Sean wakes up that morning and realizes there is one woman he can’t live without.  PHEW – he figured that out right in the nick of time!  Luckily, as Sean makes this realization, Neil Lane and his creepy chest hair arrive at the door with a bevy of gaudy rings! How much does ABC pay Neil for this?  Does this really generate business for him?  Is this what conversations are like at Neil Lane’s store?

  • Random 23 year old girl: So I like totally saw this halo diamond that was 3.7 carats and Brad was like almost going to pick it for Deanna but then he didn’t pick it because he didn’t pick any girl and I was like totally thinking, like, I could get that ring.  
  • Neil Lane: Ok that will be 20,000 dollars.  
  • Random 23 year old girl: I thought you like gave those out for like free?  
  • Neil Lane: No, ABC pays me for them. 

Ironically, Sean chose the cushion cut diamond in a halo setting, which was exactly what AshLee asked for!  Too bad the ring’s not for you, Ash.  Too bad.  Meanwhile, the girls went shopping together to get matching metallic dresses for the big day.  Unfortunately for Lindsay, Catherine picked out the gold one first, securing the Oscar.  Or at least the Oscar look.  Both girls reflect on how perfect they are for Sean and how amazing their lives will be.  Blah Blah Blah.

Sean is distraught over the thought of breaking one girl’s heart.  He sheds more tears than Jason Mesnick.  First out of the limo?  Lindsay.  Ouch.  I wonder if she instantly regretted wearing such a bad dress and even WORSE shoes.  It reminded me of a mermaid.  After Lindsay makes the long walk to Sean, Sean begins his speech praising Lindsay, telling her how she blew him away and then throws in the heart-wrenching BUT.  Sean tells Lindsay that until yesterday, he didn’t know what he was doing.  Again, if I am Catherine, I would be one ticked-off-Neil-Lane-sporting chica.  Sean tells Lindsay he must say goodbye, but not before telling her how incredible she is and that he loves her.  He says, “that’s the thing, I love you.  I love you.”  Cue. The Groans.  SEAN!  You can’t tell someone for the first time that you love them, as you’re kicking them to the curb!  Keep it to yourself.

Lindsay maintains incredible composure and dignity.  Lindsay tells Sean she is happy he found love but she can’t imagine her life without him.  Lindsay says goodbye to Sean, takes off her heels, and treks back to the rejection limo.  If you’re going to be rejected, at least do it in comfort!  Lindsay starts to break down in the limo, stating “yeah, let’s just dangle everything I’ve ever wanted, right in front of my face, and then just take it away.  Please, yes, let’s do that.  ‘Cause (sic) that’s exactly what I’ve always wanted.”  Well, it only took Lindsay the entire season to realize the premise of the show.  Kudos to Lindsay.  Lindsay continues, “In a sick twisted place in my head, I’m happy for them.”  I don’t know if that makes you sick and twisted Lindsay, I think that just makes you sweet.  I don’t think Lindsay will be single for long.

In a typical move by ABC, Chris Harrison hands Sean a letter right before Catherine’s appearance, teasing the viewers with the possibility that Catherine has cold-feet.  Whatever ABC – your antics are tired.  And surprise surprise, it was a love letter and nothing more.  By the time Catherine arrives to Sean, the sun is setting (seriously, how long did this take to film?)  Sean tells Catherine she never ceases to amaze him and he thinks the world of her.  He says he misses her when they say goodbye and he doesn’t want to say goodbye anymore.  Is that a line from a chick-flick?  Sean drops to one knee, Catherine begins to hyperventilate, sweat, and shake, and says yes to the Neil Lane.  Catherine says, “oh my gosh, is this for real?” And Sean assures her it is real, at least until the break up in 6 months.  Sean has one final question for Catherine, “Catherine, will you accept my final rose?”  Catherine says yes.

The two ride happily into the sunset, on elephant back.  Catherine gropes Sean’s muscles, asking repeatedly  “I get this?!  I get this!?”  He says, “yep, I’m your beefcake.”  Catherine laughs and says, oh my gosh, how long ago did I say that?  Well, I’d venture to guess it was maybe 4 weeks ago?  This relationship SCREAMS longevity!

Another successful ABC love story folks.  This is what fairy tales are made of.  ATFR will be up later this week!

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