All That Glitters Sparkles Is Not Gold.

After unearthing from 100 pounds of mardi gras beads, two (that’s right, TWO) plush roses, numerous stuffed animals, a rubber chicken, a coconut, a bone, frisbees, bracelets, the big giant light-up diamond ring, and a very fluffy tutu, I was finally able to watch this week’s episode of the Bachelor.

Is it just me or is this the fastest season in Bachelor history? How can there only be 5 soulmates left??? If I don’t know who the “one” for Sean is yet, how can he know?!

ABC Sean is so so sweet and decides his girls are too special for commercial flights. It’s private all the way, ya’ll! The plane lands in St. Croix, where Tierra gets worried that Sean will notice orange sweat dripping from her face. Tierra instantly regrets the fifth layer of bronzer she applied a few minutes earlier. At the hotel Tierra decides it would be best to have her own space so she can focus on her sparkle Sean.

The first date card arrives (sans Chris Harrison, come on ABC, where is he!?) and it reads “AshLee, let’s get carried away…to the ABC psychologist.” Tierra takes this opportunity to sparkle by stating repeatedly, “the cougar’s back in town!” When nobody responds, Tierra says it louder, “The COUGAR’S BACK IN TOWN!” Tierra asks the girls if they get it. They don’t. Tierra explains that AshLee is like TOTS a cougar because she’s over the age of 30. Tierra says that being single past the age of 25 is not so sparkly. Sadly at this point, it occurred to me that when I first started watching this show I was too young to compete. Now if I participate in the show I’m deemed too old and likely a cougar. I’m past my sparkly prime!

First One-on-One: The Cougar Finds Trust

The Coug meets up with Sean, who just escaped a jail full of swimmers (Alcatraz perhaps?) Seriously, did you see those swim trunks? Those black and white stripes screamed inmate! Sean’s crime? Bad kissing.  Guilty as charged! AshLee refers to Sean as “this man” like 100 times (did she forget his name? This is after all only their second date) and drones on and on (and on and on) about trust and foundation and abandonment and more trust, and starts all her sentences with “my psychologist says,” until Sean can’t take it anymore and decides he’d rather talk about the house drama than hear the cougar say trust one more time.

  • Sean: Tell me about Tierra. Why don’t people like her?
  • AshLee: She called me a *BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPING* cougar.
  • Sean: Well, I mean you are 32, Ash.
  • AshLee: What are you saying Sean? I need to trust you Sean.
  • Sean: I like your age. Anyway, what’s wrong with Tierra, other than her name sounds like a stripper?
  • AshLee: I don’t know how to tell you this but, who you get is not who we get. She is not nice to us and she isolates herself.

Even though Sean has been told his like 700 times it finally resonates. I guess he just needed to hear it from someone older and wiser. This leads to Sean and AshLee making out on the beach to a dramatic musical score. Back at the house Tierra sticks needles in her AshLee voodoo doll while repeating her mantra “down with the coug, down with the coug.”

AshLee and Sean wash the sand out of their mouths and head to dinner. AshLee has one more secret to tell Sean and it hopefully might be a deal-breaker. AshLee got married, to her cousin, at age 17. Actually it wasn’t her cousin it was just her boyfriend, presumably unrelated. She got divorced later in her junior year when she realized she wanted a different prom date. AshLee is worried Sean thinks she’s broken (Sean actually does think that but he’s too much of a gentlemen to say otherwise).

Second date: Tierra complains

Tierra gets the second date card and it reads “let’s explore our love on the streets of St. Croix.” Tierra is mad. How can she sparkle with bugs and makeup sweating off her face? She would do better on a boat. Plus, she doesn’t have any fake land injuries planned.

Sean picks up Tierra and her shorty shorts for their very first one-on-one date. Tierra starts complaining. She’s hot, she’s gross (glad I didn’t have to say it!), she’s thirsty. But Sean, knowing Tierra SO WELL, takes her shopping! And he totally takes her somewhere he KNEW she’d love. Oh hey Tierra, you’re on an island. You went to the ONLY place to shop. Sean buys Tierra a shell necklace I would have picked out in the 6th grade and Tierra is over the moon that Sean would spend 3.00 whole american dollars on her. I guess I shouldn’t remind Tierra that Leslie got diamond earrings when she was kicked to the curb…

Sean wants to hear Tierra’s side of the house drama story. Tierra is upset that someone threw her under the bus. Tierra is upset that Sean is distant. Tierra is upset that the cougar got to wear a swimsuit on her date. UGH! I’m bored just writing about Tierra! Hey Tierra, you want some cheese with that WHINE!?!

Group Date: Let’s all go, road trip!!!! (Legally Blonde, anyone?)

Sean proves smarter than I thought and decides he needs to see these women without make-up if he’s going to wife one of them. He doesn’t need to feel scared each morning. And after seeing Tierra’s racoon eyes, Sean realizes this is a pressing matter. At 4:30 in the morning, ABC lets Sean into their room and Sean wakes them up and starts snapping photos (ok Sean, not cool). It’s one thing to look but it’s another thing to document. Sean is relieved they all look better than Tierra and decides the date can proceed.

Des, Lindsay, and Catherine pile into Sean’s jeep and head on a road trip around the island. The first stop is the sunrise. (I have to admit I thought the road trip looked like fun). My favorite stop? Sean and the girls drinking at a bar and then Sean getting back behind the wheel. Nothing like drinking and driving!

The final stop is at the other end of the island to watch the sun set. Or would be sun set if there was actually sun. Towards the end of this date Sean has some alone time with Lindsay. After he says privately, “I didn’t know if I should keep the girl in the wedding dress. Fast forward and now I’m crazy about that girl in the wedding dress.” I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but I actually audibly “awwwwwwed.”  It seemed so sweet and genuine. Thus, I have concluded Sean picks Lindsay. Group rose? Lindsay. I hear wedding bells.

Third one-on-one date- Lesley

Lesley goes on a remarkably boring date. The only thing memorable was Lesley’s 80′s makeup. I wish I could give her some makeup tips. It’s always wrong wrong wrong. But I liked her bright pink skirt! Things less boring than this date? Staring at a wall, watching paint dry, waiting for water to boil, Tierra crying, and AshLee learning to trust.

I heave a giant sigh of relief when this snooze of a date is over and the real drama can start. Sean’s sister Shay is in town. Or is it Shea? Like the super creamy yummy lotion? Shay is there to confirm that Tierra is a bad apple. Sean goes to get Tierra but walks into the aftermath of a Tierra-rist.

Moments earlier, Tierra decided to confront AshLee for “sabotaging” her relationship with Sean. I’m sorry – I missed something. What relationship? I’ve had a longer relationship with a carton of eggs in my refrigerator. Tierra proclaims she is not going to sit around in a group and talk high school. I mean, she’s 24 years old! She is a woman! A sparkly woman!

The confrontation travels to a bedroom where Lesley and Catherine are lounging on a bed. Lesley asks them to freeze and fetches a bucket of popcorn. Catherine live tweets the exchange. Tierra tells AshLee, “men LOVE me!” (Hey men, is that true?!?!) Cue the eyebrow raising growns!  Tierra again attacks AshLee’s age. 32 and unmarried – the horrors! AshLee tells Tierra the reason the girls don’t like her is because she ignores them when they try to talk to her and she raises her eyebrows at them. Tierra is appalled. Ohhh girl, don’t you talk about her eyebrow like that! Tierra yells, “I can’t HELP MY EYE BROW!” Man if only there was something to control facial expressions…like a brain! Sounds like Tierra needs a trip to Emerald City!

Tierra explains that she has sparkle and she isn’t going to let these girls take away her sparkle. Her parents told her not to let anyone take away her sparkle! But as my momma taught me (and Shakespeare), all that glitters sparkles isn’t gold. And I can think of a lot of things much more sparkly than Tierra:

  1. Diamonds
  2. Nail polish
  3. Patent leather pumps
  4. Christmas Lights
  5. My graying hair
  6. Craft glitter
  7. Freshly fallen snow
  8. Fireworks
  9. Chris Harrison’s former wedding band (it had a diamond on it!)

chrisring

Sean finally wakes up and smells the roses (ha!) and realizes that Tierra is like a rose.  She may be beautiful, but she has thorns.  She may be sparkly, but she ain’t gold.  Sean tells Tierra her reign is over– take off your tiara.  Tierra gets into the reject limo and does the ugly cry.  Tierra cries, “I can’t believe they did this to me.  I hope they got what they wanted.”  Umm  yes, Tierra, they did get what they wanted.  They wanted you gone and it looks like you’ve got a one-way ticket to Sparkletown.  And for your sake, I hope the mini van windows were tinted.

At the rose ceremony Sean tells the cougar and remaining girls that he does not want drama.  AshLee calls in an emergency script for anti-anxiety medication.  Her yellow dress, meant to invoke calmness, does nothing to squelch her rose-ceremony nerves.  AshLee gets the rose and we are subjected to 20 more rounds of “trust,” “love” and “this man” nonsense.

Les is sent back to Capitol Hill to fetch coffee for an aspiring <del> snake oil salesman</del> politician.  I guess Tierra took all of Les’ sparkle with her.  That or Les’ dress was unconstitutionally ugly.

Then the world finds out that Catherine is in love with Les.  She is beyond upset that Les was sent home and her “beliefs are shattered about what [Sean] wants.”  Huh?  Catherine, doll, if you’re crying because another girl left the show, then perhaps it’s time for you to leave?  Just a suggestion.

Next week we get a glimpse into our remaining bachelorettes’ dysfunctional homes!  And if I’m a bettin’ gal, I think Sean’s biceps will win any day of the week against Des’ brother.  Stay sparkly everyone!

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