Everybody Watch Your Back, We Have a Tierra-rist On Our Hands.

I’m in love. 100%, head-over-heels, in love. I’m a smitten-kitten.

I want to wake up every morning to this view:

fairmont_chateau_lake_louise

That’s right ladies, I’m in love with Lake Louise! I’d even go so far as to say it might be worth putting up with Sean’s vomit-inducing kissing just to see that turquoise water. Never mind. Nothing is worth that. Seriously Sean, you should have listened to Arie. Who kisses like you?!?!?! How many of those girls are completely repulsed? I’d say all but Tierra!

Anyway, Sean and his 9 remaining “girl friends” head to Canada, eh! The Almighty CH is no where to be seen. An APB for Chris Harrison was sent out, unanswered.

First One-on-One: Catherine

I’m immediately excited that Catherine gets the one-on-one date (although I’m less excited that she’s going on the date with Sean). We haven’t seen a lot of Catherine but she is so cute and seems to have both sweetness and substance. Imagine that! When Catherine first stepped out of the limo I gasped – it was Winnie from the Wonder Years!

Winnie:

Danica-mckellar teen years

Catherine:

catherine

It’s bizarre how everyone looks like a celebrity to me this season. Anyway, Catherine puts on her thinnest coat possible and meets Sean in the coldest place possible. Sean shows up with a giant snow bus and I have to admit the thing looked like a lot of fun. Sean drove them (probably like 5 feet before ABC’s liability insurance ran out) to a spot to participate in some sledding and other snow romping activities. The couple sipped on some hot chocolate (undoubtedly spiked – I’m not judging by the way, I prefer mine spiked!). The most amazing part of the date? I only rolled my eyes once! Catherine said something like “when I’m with Sean, I’m not cold.” Ok whatever Catherine. It’s -123 with windchill of -239 and you have lost all your toes permanently to frostbite but it’s all good because Sean keeps you soooo warm! Cue the groans. Maybe you’re just feeling flushed from the embarrassment of his poor kissing.

After all the snow romping, Cathean (Catherine + Sean = Cathean) head to an ice castle. Catherine tells this very tragic story and Sean doesn’t offer any sort of condolence or even acknowledgement of the story. Instead he goes straight for the top-lip make out session (seriously, he’s always latching on to the top lip??) Thanks to close-ups and HD television, the audience is privileged to a nice shot of some snot dripping from Sean’s nose. The. Entire. Time.

Sean – here is an article I found that you should consider. The gist is bad kissers don’t make it to “second base.” Consider that. Enroll in lessons. Do something. But dear golly, don’t make us watch any more of this without addressing the issue!

Rose for Catherine!

Group Date: Tierra and the Princess

Tierra, Selma, Lindsay, Lesley, Sarah, Daniella, and AshLee meet Sean on the shores of Lake Louise for the group date. They all go canoeing around the lake (it seems like their canoe skills have improved since the Montana trip). Lesley grabs the bull by the horns and jumps in Sean’s canoe. Game on. Cut to Selma in the confession room: “I wanted to tip that boat over so freaking bad.” And then Selma sort of laughed but also sort of appeared like she was having a stroke. It was almost like a Count Dracula laugh. ONE in the water, AH AH AH AH. TWO in the water, AH AH AH AH.

Back on solid ground, with the help of a 17 year old ginger, Sean tells the girls to take off their clothes and jump into the lake. Some are not so sure. Other are mad their legs got spiky in the cold canoe. Some are drunk and therefore excited. Selma won’t even consider it. Call her a princess, she doesn’t care (actually I bet she’d like to be called a princess). And don’t forget, she’s from Baghdad – warm weather people. Although she also told Sean she doesn’t do well in the heat. Make up your mind, Princess.

AshLee asks Sean if she can call her shrink first to see what he thinks because she says, “no one in my life has ever made me want to do something for them.” Umm wait. What? Nobody has ever made you want to do something for them??!! Hi, my name is AshLee and I’m the most self-centered person EVER. AshLee’s shrink says it’s ok to take the plunge and heaven forbid, even have fun. AshLee is so proud of her self. She felt like she moved a mountain. Really though AshLee, you did what millions of hungover Americans do every single New Years Day. And here, where I come from, they actually have to cut a HOLE in the frozen lake to get to the water. I didn’t see any ice on that lake!

But as you all know, the one who sacrificed the MOST for Sean was the raccoon formerly known as Tierra. Tierra jumped into that lake in her Legally Blonde swim suit (I hate to admit that I liked her suit), popped back out and ran back to the 17-year-old ginger and cried wolf once more. Instead of throwing on the fluffy white robe like all the other girls, Tierra keeled over and eventually had to be carried off by the poor little red-head. Reason number 20,284 why Sean would never be my boyfriend. Sean, seriously, shouldn’t you have carried Tierra? Or at least offerred? What’s the point of all those morning push-ups if you can’t use your biceps in a situation like this?

Anyway, here was poor Tierra after her fake bout with hypothermia:

raccoon1

Tierra does what any person with hypothermia would do. She holds her shaking hands up near her face, orders some extra-hot Starbucks, instructs the maid to put on her socks and straps on her oxygen tank before paging Sean. Sean appears to comfort Tierra. Cackling Tierra tells Sean he better marry her after all this! And seriously Sean, you better. Why wouldn’t you want to wake up to this each morning?

tierra-missing-time-w352

The choice is yours Sean. Sean tells Tierra to stay in bed for the night. But when a Tierra-rist has a plan, a Tierra-rist has a plan and it will not be thwarted by some fake medical problem! Tierra takes a bath in her perfume, applies more mascara for good measure, and heads to go get her man.

Lesley spots Tierra enter the party and acts as Homeland Security, warning the girls, “everybody watch your back, we have a Tierra-rist on our hands.” Unfortunately as we all know, there will always be a Tierra-rist around.

The next day, Sean drops by the room and asks to speak to Sarah. Sean decides things aren’t working out with Sarah and it’s time for her to leave. In front of Sean, Sarah took the shock very well and was a gracious rejectee. Things became a little more frantic in the limo but nothing that the ABC psychotherapist couldn’t handle.

Second One-on One Date: Desiree – those boots are made for walkin’ rappelling.

Sean decides Des needs some reassurance after the trip to Montana so she gets another one-on-one. Des was super excited about the date until she found out she had to rappel down the mountain to drink eat lunch. Des has to rappel in a pair of Sorel winter snow boots. Come on. I have a pair of those boots. They are heavy, slippery and cumbersome. I don’t think they are meant to rappel down a mountain! ABC, get her some proper shoes!

The two make it down, picnic, and then climb a tree. After, Sean takes Des to a teepee, while sporting the world’s ugliest sweater. Sean looked like a giant hunk of beef. You are just too beefy to pull off hipster Norwegian sweaters Sean! Des shares with Sean that she feels right at home in the teepee because she grew up in a tent. Sean thinks it’s really neat that Des grew up in the circus and is wondering if they can incorporate the circus into a future episode. Des patiently explains that she lived in a tent/ trailer when money was tight, not because she is related to the Ringling Brothers. Later, Des says, “I opened up about growing up in a tent and here I am falling in love in a teepee.” That peyote makes you say the darndest things!

Rose Ceremony

Selma decides it’s time to bring out the big guns. And by big guns she means her giant fake breasts. She goes against her convictions (or at least her mother’s convictions), kisses Sean (sort of) and then apologizes to her mother. I think your mother is more upset that your nipples are about to show in that dress, sweetheart.

AshLee decides she hasn’t shown America that she is unstable enough and makes Sean blindfold her and lead her around. At first Sean thinks this is another 50 Shades of Grey moment but then realizes AshLee is crying and carrying on about how she has pushed a mountain and Sean stood on the other side. Sean suggests AshLee call her shrink again and disappears to sloppily make out with someone else.

That someone else is Lindsay who is slap-happy drunk because that’s the only way she can tolerate Sean’s kissing. I have to admit, Lindsay talks in a baby voice and is often drunk but I’d rather watch her because she’s having FUN! And you know what, at the end of the day, we all just want to have some fun.

All is right in the world again when Chris Harrison shows up at the rose ceremony. PHEW! Sean sends home Selma (and her big guns) and Daniella (and her 80’s clothes and make-up). Who stays? The Tierra-rist.

Next week’s post will be up towards the end of the week. Why you ask? Because I’m going to Mardi Gras! Beads for everyone!

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