Remember when I was a teenager and this show was new and fresh? In the blink of an eye, I went from not being old enough to drive a car when this show started to being too old to be considered for casting. Where has my life gone? What do I have to show for it? A blog about the Bachelor franchise? Student loans and car payments? A closet full of dresses too short and too tight for someone *ahem* pushing 30? In the wise words of Max Kellerman from Dirty Dancing, “it feels like it’s all slipping away.”
But alas, back to when this show first started, the Men Tell All episode was just that — the men came in, badmouthed the bachelorette, we learned house secrets, and maybe some tears were shed. Now, we hear from the bachelors who were on the show for like a hot second, most of whom we have no recall of whatsoever, and the rest of the time is dedicated to exploiting their 3 success stories.
Exploited this time? Ashley, JP and their teeny tiny fetus. Yes, Ashley is with child– JP’s child despite the weird references to it maybe looking like Chris Harrison. That’s not creepy at all. And in the most staged and exploited moment so far, Chris arranged for an extra to fake a sonogram on TV to announce the gender of the baby. The tabloids reported it was a boy months ago, I’m calling bologna sausage.
Since there are no secrets in the blogging world and we’re all friends here, free from judgment (to my face), I might as well confide in you that I’ve watched every episode of Sex and the City. Like 50 times. Or more. Details aren’t important. The point is, this reminded me of the episode when Miranda faked her sonogram. She went in for a sonogram (hey pregnant friends/ doctor friends, what’s the difference between a sonogram and an ultrasound) and it was the 20-week check-up when she could find out the sex of the baby. When the technician enthusiastically said, “It’s a BOY!” Miranda had to fake a happy surprised reaction of “boy oh boy.”
These two totally just faked their sonogram. But I’m sure they got paid good money to fake it.
Here’s what else “happened” (the use of quotes is perfectly acceptable here because nothing really happened other than I got bored):
Extra in the audience posing as someone trying to meet Farmer Chris. Crazy much? Since when does ABC just allow random people to rush the stage?
Oh that’s right, they don’t! Exhibit A: Chris from Emily’s season. Man they hate him. And yet, they keep using him for the show to humiliate him.
Bachelor in nightmare Paradise. I sure hope they bring strong antibiotics for all those bodily fluid exchanges. Nobody likes the Clap. I think that’s an STD? Also, I totally just googled, “STDs you can treat with antibiotics.” I’m oddly excited for this show. It looks like a cross between Jerry Springer and the Real World. The theme can be: “take care of yourself and each other, where people stop being polite, and start getting real.” Genius.
Marquel has a cloth chocolate chip cookie pin.
Scarves. Man scarves. Lot of them. Some of them I think I own.
Objectionable hearsay causes a 30 minute debate between Andrew, Marquel and JJ. He said, she said, blah blah blah. News for all of you: this is not admissible in the Bachelorette Court of Law! Excited utterance exception? I don’t think so!
JJ appears drunk or stoned (you know, I’m not a drug user so I’m actually worried that might be an antiquated term used by my mother. Sorry I’m so uncool with my lingo). JJ almost cries. Probably just the drugs talking.
Andi is not willing to fake a sonogram tonight because she’s not pregnant. She just has a little bloat from all the drinking and eating.
Lies, lies and more lies. Dylan, Marcus and Josh are all liars. Dylan doesn’t wash his hands in the bathroom. Ew. Marcus slept with over 20 women. Double ew. And Josh’s lies? I’ll never tell. XOXO – Gossip Girl.
In the most dramatic twist of them all, Chris Harrison hands Andi a note backstage, after the show is over. And that’s it.
Tomorrow night is the finale and I can’t wait! On a scale of 1 to 10, what is the likelihood that Neil Lane will shine a diamond on the chest hair that will undoubtedly be spilling out of his shirt? Or is he a shave the chest kind of guy? Either way, I’m sure Neil’s chest will be exposed enough to place a defibrillator pad on his chest without having to waste time with buttons, in the event of a medical emergency.
So, who will it be? Are you team Nick or team Josh? Or are you like me, supporting team I Am Totally Unimpressed by Both of Them and Care About as Much as I Care about Sports?
One word sums up this episode: boring. What a snooze-fest. I’ve seen more drama on episodes of Full House. I mean remember when DJ had to choose between Steve and the rich guy, Nelson? Drama! Oddly enough, that plot line was similar to this plot line…
Anyway, Andi and her remaining three dudes land in the DR for some quality sexcapades overnight dates to better [ahem] get to know each other. Biblically. Except for Farmer Chris. She’s not going to be shuckin’ any of his corn. He’s not going to be plowin’ any of her fields. That was my lame attempt at farming erotica.
Andi is soooooo excited to be in the Dominican Republic. It’s the perfect place to fall in love. The first 45 minutes of the show are devoted to recapping the entire season– in case you forgot what happened the past month of this show. You know the show is really struggling for content when they make us watch Andi “journal.” Seeing as she turns to the very first page in her spiral notebooks indicates she’s journaling for the first time since 5th grade.
First Overnight Date: Nick
A HELICOPTER ride! Yippy! It’s been a while! And wouldn’t you know it – ABC manages to find some corral from the helicopter that’s shaped like a heart. How convenient romantic. Andi takes Nick to a private island, where Andi declares, “this is freaking amazing.” You know what else is also a little amazing? Nick’s body is actually pretty nice. I didn’t expect that. He must have borrowed some roids from Cody. Andi says, “Nick. UGH. He’s got a body on him.” Ok creeper. She calls Nick passionate and says “It’s that adult romance with Nick.” Please go no further. I don’t want to throw up the 10 Oreos I just ate.
Nick and Andi talk about his past relationship and the conversation once again was like this– Nick: like, I, like, I was like, young. Like. I was like. Yeah. It’s life. Like that’s the thing. Like, yeah.
Boy, he’s articulate. Like.
At dinner, Nick tells Andi he did what a typical midwestern guy would do for a girl. He wrote her a fairytale. Um. I’m sorry but I’ve dated a LOT of midwestern guys– in fact I’ve never not dated a midwestern guy– and yet not a one of them ever wrote me a fairytale. And that’s really quite ok. Sadly the fairytale was just another recap. So boring. So stupid. So over this. Does Nick think Andi is a 5 year old?
Andi whips out the fantasy suite card and Nick says he is most excited to talk Andi’s ear off the entire night. Andi’s thrilled they are going to be doing all this “talking” all night long. Before they head to the room to swap bodily fluids, he says “like” 500 times and finally “I love you.”
Second Overnight Date: Josh
It’s laundry day for Andi so she decides to wear black running shorts with a yellow flowy lacy top on her date with Josh. It’s…weird. Andi wants Josh to tell her he loves her. If not, no sex for him talking all night long in the fantasy suite. Andi and Josh explore the little town and what do you know, they end up at a baseball diamond. I swear this is the last 5 dates these two have been on.
Oh my gosh. I’m seriously so bored. Their convo at dinner is so boring I don’t even have anything witty to say about it. He said he wants to marry her and he loves her. What’s with his weird accent? Eventually they head to the recently sanitized fantasy suite, where Josh, unlike Nick, is excited to do anything but talk.
Not Gonna Happen Overnight Date: Farmer Chris
I saw this coming. I love Chris and I realllllly hope he’s the next Bachelor but I knew Andi was never going to pick him. There’s no way that chick can keep up her five minutes of fame in Iowa. Ain’t gonna happen.
Andi spends the date telling Chris over and over again how much she loves his family. Seriously, it’s all she says all day; your family is so great, I love them! Yeah well they officially hate you.
Andi wears tiny white shorts for some horseback riding, which apparently she finds terrifying. Eventually, they play ghost in the grave yard. Alone. Maybe not the smoothest move. It was cute with your family. It’s just weird alone in a field.
At dinner Andi realizes it’s time to dump the farmer. While never once looking at him, she tells him 10 times that it’s not Iowa (which really means, it’s actually Iowa) and tells him that it’s actually him. Oh. That’s worse. You should have said it was Iowa. She basically says her feelings aren’t as strong for him as they are for the other guys. Andi says she’s unsure about the relationship. Farmer Chris is stunned and caught off guard. He tells her he just wants to fall in love with her and that’s happening and that he doesn’t want to change one thing about her. Farmer Chris can’t believe he’s being dumped for Nick. The least manly guy ever. I can’t believe it either Farmer Chris but I’m thankful because I certainly could not watch Nick for a season as the next Bachelor.
As the consummate gentleman, Farmer Chris offers Andi his arm as they walk out to the rejection car. He wishes her the best and says goodbye. He’s such a gentle soul.
Andi still conducts a rose ceremony and Nick and Josh accept their roses. Josh brags about all the “non-talking” he and Andi did last night. Nick responds with 100 likes and then brags that he’s like, the favorite, and like, Andi loves talking to him, like the most.
See you tomorrow for the Men Tell All! Will anyone else tell Andi she’s an actress? Will Farmer Chris be announced as the next Bachelor? Will this episode be a little less dull than the fantasy suite date episode? Please, please PLEASE let it be more exciting!
Y’all. Yesterday I spent a solid five minutes staring into the mirror trying to make my lips look like Andi’s signature duck pout look. I failed. I don’t know if it’s because my lips are just too big to pull that off but I looked like a botox job gone bad.
It’s hometown dates. And that means I care about one thing, and one thing only. Andi is headed to Milwaukee! My hometown! Go Pack Go.
Nick takes Andi to the Milwaukee Public Market. It’s the knock-off version of Seattle or so I envision since I’ve not actually been there. But you know what ours has that Seattle probably doesn’t? Beer and cheese tasting aplenty.
Once they have a solid buzz happening (this is, after all, the “drunkest state” in America), Nick takes Andi to Lake Front Brewery for…you guessed it, more drinking! I hope Andi can hold her own because she’s going to be one drink shy of dancing on a table soon. If she gets to that point, I recommend Water Street. She doesn’t quite find herself on a table, but she does hit up the dance floor to perform the Wisconsin state dance, the Polka.
I actually had a gym unit dedicated to the Polka. We take it seriously, folks. If you can’t Polka during the seventh inning stretch at the Brewers game, then don’t bother coming. Cubs fans need not apply.
After Andi and Nick finish rolling out the barrel, they head to Waukesha to meet Nick’s massive family. And I mean MASSIVE. 10 children. Catholic much? Safe assumption. It’s Milwaukee. Nick is the oldest of the Von Trapp Family Singers. The youngest looks to be about 8. Nick is 33. That means he was in his mid 20′s when that kid was born. That’s just wrong, mother. Wrong. Nick’s protective sister, Marie (or Maria?) sits down to chat with Andi about her intentions. I want to know if Nick’s sister intentionally forgot pants? Because man, that dress is short! It was a miracle that ABC didn’t have to use the black privacy bars for this segment.
The youngest, adorable Bella, sits down with Andi and asks the tough questions. Andi says she has a strong “mental connection” with Nick. Bella wonders who says “mental connection.” I vote for Bella as future Bachelorette in 15 years. Bella reports back to Nick and can’t really remember her conversation with Andi and falsely tells Nick that Andi loves him. Oh Bella. Maybe journalism isn’t in your future. This is how rumors get started.
Nick humbly tells his Mother that he’s Andi’s favorite and there’s no way he’ll get sent home. His mother wonders how her son’s ego got so gigantic.
Arlington, Iowa: Field of Dreams
How adorable is Farmer Chris? I’m ready to saddle up my horse and head to Iowa. I’ve got no problem with Iowa, Chris. And I have no problem baking in the kitchen and playing ghost in the graveyard at night. FYI, I come with a cat. See ya soon!
Farmer is sexy in his plaid shirt and blue vest. Andi agrees. Finally something we can agree on! Farmer gives Andi a tour of his beautiful house (seriously Farmer, I’m on my way) and his picturesque farmland. Taking a cue from Kenny Chesney, Farmer takes Andi out back to show off his tractor. Farmer Chris winks at the camera and tells it, “she think’s my tractor’s sexy.”
Farmer Chris shows Andi his entire dell. He takes Andi out to plow the field. Andi is disappointed he can’t plow anything else on this date. She says “he’s hot, he’s manly, he’s burly. He’s like, the hottest farmer ever.” They picnic in the field and Andi asks Farmer what she’s supposed to do in this podunk town. Farmer suggests she be a homemaker. Andi asks if there are any talent agents around because she reminds Farmer she quit her lawyering job in search of fame. Farmer Chris suggests she get back to her legal career instead of trying to be an “actress.” Andi says she’s not as City as he thinks she is. Cause her family has a cabin, y’all. And she hunts. A plane flies over carrying a banner, “Farmer Loves Andi.” Andi responds with her most sincere ‘shut up.’
Andi meets Farmer’s mom, dad, three older sisters and their husbands. I like Farmer even a tad more knowing he’s the youngest (the youngest are always the most charming. Ask anyone. Ask my mom). One of Chris’ sisters reminds me of Julia Stiles so I already like her. Julia raves about the success of their little bro. Andi’s mom is adorbs and I love her. She’s so sweet. Momma Farmer says Andi can do anything in Iowa and the world is so small so there are no limits for a woman on a farm these days. Amen, momma, amen. Sage momma tells the camera that it’s an integral part of life to share the good times and the bad times with someone you love and she wants Chris to find that. I love her. What a warm lady.
Momma Farmer gets Andi alone and tells her their babies would be beautiful. The way she says babies just makes me die with laughter. There was so much gusto. BABIES. She tells Andi she has gumption and that she’s a tough cookie. She tells her to follow her heart and that she can make it anywhere. After, the family goes out to play ghost in the graveyard. Love. this. How can you not embrace a family who wants to go out and have fun together? My sisters and I played ghost in the graveyard all the time growing up. Count me in!
Atlanta. I have nothing creative to say about this.
Josh and his sports loving family are ready to talk sports with Andi. Put on your helmet Andi, it’s going to be a long afternoon. But first, Josh and Andi play some baseball. Of course. This feels very reminiscent of Roberto and Ali. Andi wears shorts that she should have retired in 6th grade. They are so short they don’t even cover her hips. Come on, girl. Nobody ever said shorter is better. Josh says that he decided to leave baseball so he could have a life. Um. I think you left baseball because baseball left you. But nice try Josh. Nice try.
Now let’s talk about Aaron. The little brother. He’s about to be drafted by the NFL. And that’s all the family cares about. Andi is pissed. This is about HER.
Creepy alert. Josh’s mother looks exactly like Andi. Or Andi looks exactly like Josh’s mother. She could be her daughter. She could be Josh’s sister. The resemblance is too much. Their hair colors are identical. This gives me the icks.
For some reason the little brother, Aaron, the present golden boy of the family, sits at the head of the table and gives the toast. After that, Aaron’s done his good deed of the day and is free to talk about football the rest of the evening. Andi is mad. “Before I could even eat dinner, they were like football time,” she says with a roll of the eyes. Andi says she knows it’s a “huge time in Aaron’s life but it’s also a huge time in Josh’s life.” Really? Is it? Sorry but the NFL draft is probably a little more interesting to these folks than their son’s girlfriend who happens to also be dating 3 other dudes and maybe Chris Harrison.
Andi has some time alone with Josh’s mother and his Mother basically says Josh is a momma’s boy and she better back down. Coach dad tells Andi that if they end up together they will be expected to attend all of Aaron’s football games on Sundays. Andi is starting to lose it. She does not want to spend all day fawning over Aaron for the rest of her life. People should be fawning over her, damn it! Andi curses the day Aaron was born and heads to her next hometown date…
Dallas: All my ex’s live in Texas (A song Andi will soon sing)
Marcus tells Andi he’s taking her on a tour of Dallas reflective of a day in his life. I’m worried. He takes Andi to a dark club and performs a striptease. It’s so awful I cringe. His undies are so tight and so white, that ABC was actually forced to use the black privacy bars. Oh Marcus. Why. Cue the groans. Did I miss something? How is this a day in your life? Are you a stripper? Do you like strippers? Do you frequent a lot of strip clubs? Poor judgment Marcus. Poor judgment.
After Marcus wipes the oil off his body and pulls the singles out of his g-string, he takes Andi to meet his family. His sister reminds me of Stifler’s mom. I guess that makes sense given the striptease we were just forced to witness. Stifler’s mom tells Andi that he can be a little “over-caring” sometimes. Translation: he’s intense, has he scared you off? Andi says her feelings need to catch up to Marcus.
Meanwhile, Marcus chooses this opportunity to thank his brother for essentially raising him. Tears were shed. It was strange. Why is this happening on national television and not in private? His mother seems Russian. That’s all.
ABC Demonstrates Just How Low They’re Willing To Go
In what seemed like the most contrived moment yet, Chris Harrison invites all the remaining contestants and Andi to his house to deliver the tragic news that Eric died in a paragliding accident. It felt very awkward, inappropriate and exploitive. That’s all I’m going to say about it. Chris Harrison’s house? Icky. Can’t he hire someone to make that place a little nicer? Come on Chris, you make millions just instructing bimbos to hand out their final rose of the evening. You can afford an interior designer.
Marcus was sent packing sans rose. No surprise there. Andi doesn’t really see “striptease” recipient in her future. Marcus is stunned. He tells Andi, “I wanted to be that guy for you.” Andi tells him that when she’s engaged to Josh or Nick (I see Farmer Chris as the next Bachelor), he’ll definitely be the guy for her to perform at her Bachelorette party.
Marcus gets in the rejection limo and says “I feel like an idiot. I shouldn’t have told her I loved her….I feel like she could be my soulmate.” No Marcus, you shouldn’t have performed a striptease on your hometown date. That’s where things went wrong.
Touchy subject. Andi’s in Brussels. As in Belgium. You know, the country who just beat the US in the World Cup? If only I cared one ounce about soccer! And truthfully, if you care that much about soccer, you probably don’t read my blog. It’s all good.
Andi and the remaining 5 men plus Nick are ready to hit up the all you can eat Belgian waffle special at the IHOP. Whoever eats the most waffles automatically gets a hometown date. Somewhere Bodybuilder Cody is throwing a protein shake against the wall. He knew if he were on this trip, he would totally win the eating contest. He’d even be willing to skip lean protein for a chance at love with Andi.
The men arrive at their new hotel for the week in their mandatory Brussel’s uniform: zipped up hoodies with fashion scarves for men. You know, I’ve never seen my boyfriend wear a fashion scarf. I think I’m ok with that. Sometimes he wears this cute scarf in the winter that he crocheted himself (seriously) but that’s when it’s -40 outside and snow is whipping horizontally at your face and it’s been 40 minutes at the bus stop. But never once has he said to me, you know, I’d really like to borrow one of your silky scarves. Never once. Nick can even tie his scarf better than me.
Chris Har shows up for a “man chat” to tell the guys this week is important. In case you’ve lived under a rock the past 15 years, making it through this week means you get a hometown date. For some reason Chris just got paid millions to deliver that message. How do I get his job? Other rules of the week: two one on one dates with no roses and a group date with a rose. Got that? Good. Harrison excuses himself — after all the beer, waffles and chocolates aren’t going to eat themselves!
One on One- Marcus, You’re Kind of a Clinger And Your Tongue is Way too Aggressive When we Kiss But I’ve Got Slim Options So I’d Like to Hang Out With You for the Day
Marcus is 25. That’s just wrong. Marcus and Andi head into the city to explore. Andi wears, for the 12th date straight, her white pants. Why the tight white pants? How does she keep them clean? The “no white after labor day” rule is obviously dead and gone.
M & A order some mussels. I seriously love mussels. And not the Cody kind. I like the seafood kind. Old Ebbitt Grill in DC. Holy smokes. Get me some. NOW. Mussels, Brussels and beer? That’s my ideal date!
Ok ABC, I don’t believe your editing. After they are done with mussels, we head to commercial. When the show is back on, Andi and Marcus are all dressed up and eating dinner. Um. Didn’t they just eat? They must be so full.
At dinner Marcus says his family is dysfunctional. What else is new. He said his dad left and he hated his Mother in his 20′s (he’s 25 so I totally don’t follow). He says his Mother is not the best. Son of the year!
Marcus says he’s never felt this way about a girl before. How can people get on this show and say that? Have they never known someone more than 30 minutes?
Marcus comes back from his date and Nick starts to scheme. He sneaks off and heads to the hotel lobby. He approaches the front desk and tells the clerk he forgot his key and room number and asks for a new key. Nick says the room is under his wife’s name, Andi D. The clerk asks no questions, gives him Andi’s room number and a key. It might be time to review that hotel’s security protocols. Mr. Andi shows up at her door and the Mrs. is stunned.
You know what I find odd? When I get home from work, dinner, a date, etc, I immediately peel my clothes and jewelry off. I throw my hair on top of my head, put on the biggest sweats I can find and scrub the makeup off my face. I do that within minutes of walking in the door. Without fail. But Andi? She’s back in her hotel room looking all glammed up and perfect. I’m not buying this impromptu ambush.
Andi and Nick enjoy some Brussels nightlife. Nick says he’s going to marry Andi. I say Nick looks like a cross between a serial killer and the Joker. Andi tells us one too many times how hot it is making out with Nick. No. You know what’s hot? Tamales. And potatoes. But Nick? No.
One on One – Josh, I Just Want to Make Out With You All Night Long So That’s Why I Picked You For the Date and I Love Athletes
You guys. Andi is wearing the white pants. AGAIN! Why! Did ABC mandate white pants only this season? Doesn’t she own a pair of dark wash jeans? She’s also wearing a crop-top. Enough said. Meanwhile, Josh put on the tightest shirt he owns to highlight his man nipples and pecks. Josh and Andi wander the streets of Brussels and sample some local chocolates.
When they are finished, Josh says, “that was literally phenomenal.” Oh Josh. Shopping cannot possibly be considered a phenomenon. It’s just not. This is a phenomenon:
Andi complains that Josh isn’t emotional enough and doesn’t open. So she takes him to a church and has him light some candles. At dinner, Andi is annoyed that Josh hasn’t said ‘I love you,’ or ‘I’m falling in love with you’ because at this stage, 3 weeks after knowing these Andi and spending a cumulative 3 hours with her, dropping the L-word is essential if you want to stay in the running. Frankly if someone told me they loved me faster than I can even consume a bag of chips, I’d probably get a restraining order. Andi fishes and fishes until she forces Josh into saying he’s falling in love with her. Lawyering.
The other mandated feature of the show this season (the first being Andi’s white pants) is the concert. Andi and Josh dance to some band called “American Young.” This is the second date for Josh and Andi and their second concert. For your pleasure, I’ve looked up the chorus of this song:
Sometimes love is a white flag
Sometimes love is standing tall
Sometimes love is a feather
Sometimes a cannon ball
But it’s worth fighting for (it’s worth fighting for)
Baby, sometimes love is war
Read more: American Young – Love Is War Lyrics | MetroLyrics
Duh, we know. Love is a battlefield.
Group Date: You’re on this date because I didn’t want to make out with you (except you Nick, I had to put you on this date because ABC is hoping to create drama)
The boys pedal Andi on a “rail bike,” which is a bike/ cart thing that rides on a railroad track. That seriously looked like fun. After the guys get their burn on, Andi takes the men to a monastery. Since it’s sacred grounds, there is no kissing on the grounds. Everyone speaks in hushed tones while on the grounds. Andi pulls Farmer Chris outside the walls to make pottery together. Andi says it’s very steamy. She pretends she’s Demi and imagines Patrick Swayze’s arms wrap around her. I don’t blame you, Andi. Patrick makes my heart swoon.
Farmer Chris rejoins the other guys and gets annoyed by game-playing Nick. Brian tells Andi he’s falling in love with her. He says he’s never told anyone that before. I feel like every guy keeps saying that. Nobody wants to hear that a 30 year old has never loved another person before. Andi reacts with a “yeah” when he says he’s falling in love with her. Ouch, Brian. That was a bad yeah. Kiss your rose receiving days goodbye.
Nick says he’s confident that Andi is coming home to meet his family. He starts to tell Andi how she feels. It sort of makes me want to punch him in the face. Like as hard as possible. He says he can FEEL Andi falling in love with him. How arrogant are you? For some reason Andi eats it up and they have a staring contest for like a three minutes straight due to the sacred ground rule.
And what do you know, Nick gets the rose. He gets to spend the rest of the night with Andi for managing to pull the wool over her eyes one more time. Andi is super excited to go to Milwaukee to meet Nick’s family. I’m really sad that Nick is from my hometown.
As for Andi’s rejectee’s? They are madder than a wet hen. Literally? No, not literally, Josh. Back on Nick’s private date, they play a game of “this or that,” with serious questions like “big or small?” Nick says big. Go big or go home. I don’t totally know what they are talking about anymore but I guess that’s supposed to mean he’s well-endowed. But I don’t buy it. And that makes me want to vomit a little. They watch some fireworks- big ones- and Nick can feel Andi fall in love with him a little more.
Nick returns home to the scorn of the rejected men. The’ve had enough of his game playing/ winning. After what seems like 7 minutes of total silence, the men finally man up and tell Nick they want to pulverize him. Brian finally breaks the silence. Marcus says he wouldn’t trust him near his sister. Farmer Chris asks if he cares more about Andi or strategy. All the men agree he cares about strategy. I think the guys should play a friendly game of Stratego to determine who’s best at strategy. Listen, I don’t like Nick one iota but they do all sound a little jealous.
Brian and Dylan get sent home. Brian has a mild breakdown but it’s nothing the ABC psychotherapist can’t handle or drug. Hometown dates comin’ on up!
I knew that scarf once too. And I loved it. But then I lost it in a bar in Rome. Oh well.
Andi and her entourage of eight head to Venice to find love. Andi hops off her private Gondola and lets the guys know the first date starts… NOW. Cody is grinning ear to ear. He can’t wait for his first one on one date with Andi. Guys. Did you see that deep v-neck shirt? Cody officially has more cleavage than I do. He kisses his lucky bicep and starts to head towards Andi. In what can only be foreshadowing, Andi denies Cody and picks Nick instead.
Nick and Andi stroll the adorable streets of Venice. I have to swallow all of my jealousy to get through this episode. Not the Nick part. Yuck. Italy’s my true love. Nick and Andi hop into a Gondola to have a serious conversation:
Nick: Like. I want to, like, talk, like about the cocktail party.
Andi: Ok. Like, what’s up?
Nick: It just, like, matters to me, like, a lot.
Andi: I get what you’re saying (that makes one of us!)
Andi: I think like, I need to figure things out.
Nick: So I was just, like.
After their profound conversation, Andi feels better about Nick. I feel, like, a lot worse about him. Andi and Nick put on their finest clothes and masks and head to a formal dinner in some beautiful building, which are a dime a dozen. I’m left reminiscing about my mask:
Oh to be 20 again.
Back to this snooze fest. How boring is Nick? I don’t understand the appeal. I want to like a fellow Wisconsinite but I can’t. Nick tells Andi that he’s “confidently, like, falling in love.” With Italy? With the wine? With Cody? With Andi? With himself? We’ll never know. Nick gets a date and of course, a private concert. Duh.
Andi shows up for her group date with her fashion scarf tied around her neck like a bib. I can only assume that’s to protect herself from dripping marinara sauce or cannoli cream oozing out. Otherwise, I have no idea why you’d wear your scarf like that. I’m excited for the group date. Will they head to the island of Murano and blow glass? Will they design their own Carnivale costumes? Will they explore the waterways? Nope. They will take lie detector tests. Because nothing says Italy like forensic science? I’m confused. Italy is the country responsible for ruining Amanda Knox’s life. I’m not sure they are qualified to handle investigations.
But alas, I’m more than happy to hear what these men lie about! Andi takes the men to a torture chamber. The pro-athlete starts to sweat. He’s screwed. If it makes you feel better Mr. Baseball, these results are inadmissible in a US court of law. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t going to judge you.
Andi offers to go first. She’s, like, always honest. First question: Is Italy your favorite country? Andi says yes. I’m calling that a lie. Also, you should lose your US passport for your lack of patriotism. Geez. Next: Do you think all of the guys are here for the right reasons? Andi: Yes. Oh you poor poor fool! Have you not met Josh? Get to know him before you stick your tongue down his throat any more! Are you falling in love: Yes. And sadly, probably with Josh. The one guy who’s not here for the right reasons. Open your EYES, Counselor! She also thinks her husband is among the group. Sure.
When the men get questioned, some highlights were the following: To JJ – are you good in bed? He said yes. Ha! Good for JJ. To Dylan — have you slept with over 20 women? I wish I could tell you he said no. But he didn’t. He said yes. Why Dylan WHY!? And more importantly, why ABC, why! The next question was is your chlamydia all cleared up? Dylan said yes. That last question didn’t happen but it probably should have been asked. It’s a little unsavory that Dylan is so frisky but it’s also unsavory that ABC is so brazen. I feel bad for Dylan. And also grossed out. Sorry Dyl.
Just when you thought they couldn’t embarrass Dylan enough, they asked if he washes his hands after he goes to the bathroom. He said no. Ugh. Oh Dylan. I think your days might be numbered.
Hey ABC, how come you didn’t ask Andi how many dudes she slept with? Or about her hygiene practices? Dylan goes home sick from the date. Can’t say I blame him.
The results are in. Andi told two lies- she lied about her love of Italy and she lied about the guys being there for the right reasons. LIAR! Three men told no lies (Dylan, obviously, sigh). One man told two lies. Two men told three lies (I’m looking at you Josh). Who else is a liar? JJ? Marcus? Who is it?!
We’ll never know. Andi tears up the men’s results. Gosh darn you Andi. At the after party, Brian administers a lie detector test. Smooth move Brian! Andi lawyered Brian a little during the test but it was cute. She probably should have stuck with her day job. Farmer Chris reveals he’s the secret admirer sending the love notes. I totally knew it was him. Andi feels like Josh is hiding something. Like a “girl friend,” in every area code. The group date rose goes to her secret admirer, Farmer Chris. JJ loses it.
Second One-on-One: Cody, You’ll Never Be My Romeo
It’s true Cody. You’ll never be anyone’s Romeo. But you will undoubtedly be a lot of people’s personal trainer. I’d hire you. Andi takes Cody to Verona, Italy– the setting of Romeo and Juliet.
Andi shows up for the date wearing a skort. I think. I seriously have no idea what those things are. There’s definitely shorts in the back and some sort of unfortunate flap in the front. It’s like the mullet of the short/skirt world. She should give those to Cody when he gets the boot. We never need to see those hideous things again. Oh and she borrowed Chris Harrison’s turtleneck.
This date is so stupid, let’s just fast-forward to the part that made me want to shake Cody and tell him to pay attention to body language cues!
But first, any time Romeo and Juliet comes up, I always get the Dire Strait’s song stuck in my head. It’s so good! Enjoy below – trust me it’s more worth your time than this lame date. It’s apropos really because Cody’s about to find himself in dire straits by the end of this date (and this is the perfect “I just got dumped song.”)
Really, this date is worthless. The two pretend to respond to some love advice column. For some reason, Andi says this is the PERFECT date for Cody. The guy who kisses his biceps. If you say so. After, awkwardness ensues. Andi and Cody go to dinner and poor Cody is grinning like a love-struck moron. He confesses his love for Andi in a “Dear Juliet” letter. He calls her beautiful. Says she has all the qualities he’d want in a wife. He keeps talking. “I just wanna grab you, kiss you, hug you, roll around with you. Do all those things.” Andi looks like she’s going to throw up. She looks like someone just told her Dylan slept with over 20 women. She starts to cry. Cody is none the wiser. He has no idea. It’s just verbal diarrhea spewing out of his love-stricken mouth. Finally Andi tells him to stop. She tells him they are just friends. Cody is stunned. He looks around for a wall to punch. Andi sobs. She says it’s not fair and she can’t hurt him and so she has to send him home. Cody says we don’t always get what we want.
Hey Cody, if you try sometimes, you just might find, you just might find, you get what you need! I’m full of songs tonight.
The rejection limo whisks Cody away. He asks for a protein shake. He tells the ABC psychologist this hurts more than when he didn’t win the 2009 Hunky Beef calendar contest. Love hurts, Cody.
At the rose ceremony Andi says goodbye to JJ and his pants. In the rejection limo JJ says he could picture Andi as the future “Mrs. Pants.”
Andi says she’s ready to get out of Italy. It’s such a dump and she’s over it. She’s hoping Brussels (and their sprouts) will be even better.
When the show is over we see a little blooper of the lie detector test. All the guys think the Italian mafia testers asked if they have ever “farted” in public. All the men laugh and admit that yes, there has been some flatulence in public. Turns out, the Godfathers asked if they ever FOUGHT in public. It was the funniest part of the episode. Oh gas jokes. You always make people laugh.
I see London, I see France, I see Andi’s underpants! Kidding. Sort of. Andi and her gang hit the high seas and sail their way to love in Marseille, France. Upon arrival, Andi puts on a short pleaded leather mini skirt. It reminds me of a mix between a trash bag and duct tape. So are they purple, are they pink? I don’t know but this show stinks! Again, kidding. Sort of.
The first date card arrives and the most un-French person ever gets the date: Josh. That guy just screams America. He strikes me as the total “God Bless America and no place else,” type of guy. The date card is in Francais, so I’m guessing it says something like this: “Dear Josh, I picked you for this date so we can make out all night and I can say “staaaaahhhhppppppp” as many times as I want. Love, Andi.”
But before Andi and Josh get to make out, Andi has a date with Chris Harrison and the ugliest turtleneck known to man. True to form, Chris asks Andi, “are you falling in love,” and we get a nice ol’ dose of “stahhhhhppp,” in reply. Andi admits she’s falling in love with more than one guy. No worries Andi, so am I. I fall in love with Patrick Swayze every single time I watch Dirty Dancing. Same goes for Ryan Gosling in the Notebook. See? No biggie.
Josh & Andi’s Date
Josh told Andi on night one that he did not want to be treated like the stereotypical athlete. There is so much more to Josh’s soul than sport stats, chasing women, illegal performance enhancement drugs, and concussions y’all. My head is in the game. I’m ready to treat you like the non-athlete you aren’t. Until you tell me this date is like a playoff game and marrying Andi is like the Superbowl. Come on, Josh. You can’t have it both ways.
Andi and Josh head to a sailboat. Unfortunately Josh decides to wear Andi’s pants on the date. Seriously, those are tight. Careful not to injure the family jewels, Josh. Apparently they work just fine for making out though since that’s pretty much all that happens on this date.
Snooze. Rose for Josh. Two kids from Atlanta. We are subjected to yet another – ANOTHER- concert. Andi urges Josh to listen to the words, which for some reason makes this whole thing feel even more awkward. I don’t want a private concert unless Rod Stewart shows up at my apartment to serenade me. I would probably pee my pants but it’d be worth it.
Group Date: Be Mime.
The date card didn’t say that (it was blank) so once again I took artistic liberties. Andi borrowed Chris Harrison’s turtleneck for the date. She takes a group of guys to mime in a town square. Awkwardness ensues. At the after party, all sorts of drama goes down. Nick acts like a cocky [insert bad word here]. He also took a page out of Josh’s book and borrowed a pair of Andi’s pants for the date. Nothing like tight white pants on a man. Nothing like it. Nick says he’s the front-runner. Am I missing something? What’s likable about Nick? Has anyone else noticed his snaggle tooth? Cody is about to snap Nick in half with his bicep.
Sweet Farmer boy tells Andi there’s some tension. Andi bullies him into telling her what’s going on. Andi manipulates the Farmer by telling him that she would expect her husband to tell her everything. News flash Andi – Chris is not your husband.
Cody tells Andi that Nick is mocking him. Apparently Cody thinks Andi is his Mother. “Mommy, Nick made fun of me and my bleached hair, and bulging muscles, and tight clothessssss.”
Andi decides it’s time to get to the bottom of this Nick drama. She tells Nick he’s “sallllllty,” and that he seems “salty on group dates.” For some reason the way she said “salty” was worse than hearing nails on a chalkboard. Until I hear Nick’s lisp. Ugh. Seriously, why is he here? Andi wants to know why everyone wants to punch Nick in the face so she uses the only manipulation tactic she knows, “if I were your wife, would you tell me?” Nick replies, “ok fine, fair enough.” I’m sorry, did I miss something? The proper response is YOU’RE NOT MY WIFE! Ahhhhh! Then Andi starts making out with him. Give. me. a. break. Or should I say, cue the groans?
Marcus, the resident Guard-and-Protect-Your-Heart guy is, of course, falling in love with Andi. Why wouldn’t he be? It’s only been like a hot minute. Instead of filing a restraining order, Andi embraces Marcus with a kiss.
The drama continues after Marquel hears that Patrick called him a racist name. Marquel handles the matter with dignity, class, and maturity. I really like him. Marquel for Bachelor! Andrew denies the allegations. Can we please vote Andrew off the island? #gohome.
JJ the pants dude gets the rose. Nick gets knocked down a peg.
Brian one on one date
Oh my god. It’s one of these dates- an ABC sponsored movie. Fast forward. After the movie, the two head to a market to shop for dinner. The plan is to go back to “Andi’s” apartment to cook dinner together. Because Andi’s lost all touch with reality, she believes this will be just like a movie: romantic and sexy. She obviously hasn’t cooked dinner with someone who doesn’t know how to cook. It’s disastrous. I once asked my ex-boyfriend to cut up a red pepper and he started to cry. Seriously. It was a “recipe” for disaster. I don’t want to put too much “stock” in the pepper incident, but I basically had to call it off after that. Mostly kidding. Mostly.
It’s a disaster for Brian and Andi too. Brian doesn’t know how to cook- unless a $1.00 Totino’s pizza counts. Andi’s disappointed that Brian isn’t romantic in the kitchen. Apparently Andi thought this would be just like the movie Chocolat, but instead it’s more like the documentary Supersize Me.
Dinner is unsalvageable so Brian and Andi head to a sidewalk to dine al fresco. If you ask me, that’s more romantic than raw frog legs. In Andi’s unrealistic eyes, Brian redeems himself by taking Andi to an empty kitchen to make out with her. He gets the rose.
At the rose ceremony, the guys are pleasantly surprised to see Elaine from Seinfeld:
Well actually, just her hair:
It was big. Really really big. It also reminds me of Elvira:
While Andi and her bouffant hair hand out the roses, I notice something else strange about this ceremony. She has a grimace on her face the entire time and she picks up each rose and holds them in front of her like she’s performing some sort of witchcraft ritual. She probably has a pot of witches brew simmering in back with the left-over frog legs. I blame the hair.
Going home are Marquel (boo), Andrew (yay!), and Andrew’s lover, Patrick. Patrick is totally dumbfounded when he leaves the show. Luckily for us, he gives us this gem, “I’ve heard from multiple people, not just girls, that I have qualities that are really paramount when it comes to being a husband.” Not just girls? If Andrew said you were husband material Patrick, then go with it! Pick him!
Next week, Andi heads to Venice. I’m bummed she’s hitting up my turf. I don’t want it spoiled with Bachelorette non-sense. Yes, that’s right. Italy is my turf. Is that so unrealistic? Until next time…
Connecticut. It took me like 20 years of my life to finally learn how to spell Connecticut. I really shouldn’t even admit that I couldn’t spell Connecticut since that’s where a lot of my family lives. At least I’ve got it down finally! Tonight, that skill comes in handy.
Andi’s journey to find true love takes her to, you guessed it, Connecticut. Connecticut is a gorgeous state, but doesn’t this all seem so… random? Farmer Chris says he’s always dreamed of traveling to Connecticut. Oh Farmer Chris. That’s cute. As the men settle into their swanky Connecticut hotel (actually, I think it’s a casino), the first date card arrives with Dylan’s name on it.
Who? Dylan is sort of shy with rugged good looks and he’s an accountant from Boston. He’s also the guy who cried to Farmer Chris about the death of this sister and brother. With a little less hair product, I think Dylan could be a model. As in a model citizen. Just kidding, I mean an actual model like in ads. Anyway, Andi has this AMAZING date planned. Kidding again! ABC plans a date and tells Andi where to show up. In this case, it’s on a steam engine train along the Connecticut River. Andi’s hoping the relationship picks up steam. I’m hoping I can write a blog post about this. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.
When Andi and Dylan are “all aboard,” Andi acts completely disinterested in their conversation. Even when Dylan spills his emotional baggage all over the train cart. It was like this:
Dylan: I have something serious to tell you. My brother and sister both died of a drug overdose and it was really difficult on me.
Andi: Cool. Yeah, this is really pretty.
Dylan: No, I mean it was really hard. Both my sibling died. Like they are dead.
Andi: Yeah. Gazing out the window.
Me: This relationship has derailed.
I cringed. Seriously. Could she have acted any more disinterested? Have you ever heard of empathy? A simple, “I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine what you’ve been through?” Anything but YEAH.
After the train ride is over, the two of them head to dinner where nobody actually touches their food. How do they make it through this show with so little food and so much alcohol? Dylan tells his family story with more detail. Andi still says “yeah” a lot and makes her lips into duck shapes. They constantly look like a duck. Dylan starts to cry and Andi tells him “it’s ok.” Wait. It’s ok? I thought that phrase was BANNED by you Andi! Need I remind you of your “eeeeeet’s ok” freak out? Anyway, I like Dylan but I do not think he’s quite ready for a relationship and I don’t blame him. I just don’t see these two working out. Dylan gets the rose.
Group Date: Whose got game
The group date takes place in a basketball arena so Andi can see “whose got game.” Clever. Andi decided to wear the ugliest pair of wedge sneakers I’ve ever seen. Those need to join the trash along with JJ’s collection of hideous pants. Speaking of JJ, he wore a shirt that said “JJ” on it. I can only assume that decision was made so Andi would recognize young JJ and not JJ in 50 years.
Andi enlists the help of some WNBA players who demonstrate that they are, in fact, the only ones who “got game.” After the guys lose miserably against the women (girl power), the guys get divided into two teams. You know the drill. Only the winning team gets to hang with Andi after the game. After a riveting game of HORSE, the blue team wins. Actually there is no blue team. Team “Rosebuds” wins. If I were the captain, I would have picked “Team Andi” as the name. Granted, I wouldn’t be playing for this team if you know what I mean. Rosebuds include Basketball coach Brian, Eric, Cookie Monster Marquel, Nick, Social Media guy Andrew who moon lights as a hostess picker-upper, and the steroid guy Cody.
Andi pulls Eric aside first to talk. Andi tells Eric she wonders if their relationship is stalling. Eric also agrees that the relationship is not moving forward. I have some theories why: 1) Josh keeps sticking his tongue down Andi’s throat; 2) When Josh is finished there are 12 other guys waiting to do the same 3) Eric is an adventurer and Andi just ditched her career in hopes of becoming a D-list actress; 4) their astrological signs are incompatible. I’m guessing that’s the reason this isn’t working out. Eric does his best to mend the situation and opens up about his important relationship with his family and his difficult decision to leave his church. Andi feels like the air is clear. Eric… as we will find out, feels the air has a giant cloud hovering above their heads that’s about to burst and dump copious amounts of rain, hail and lightening on them. As I said, incompatible signs.
Brian gets some alone time with Andi and makes a half-court shot that’s nothing but the net. But then he loses all points when he fails to kiss Andi after his perfect shot. Brian spends the rest of the night beating himself up while Nick swoops in to make-out with Andi. But Brian’s kind heart still won him the rose. I like Brian. I’m on team Brian.
Second Group Date: Marcus: Dangle off this building while I freak the eff out even though you are petrified of heights too.
Andi takes Marcus to the top of their casino to repel 30 floors. As Andi and Marcus get suited up, gale force winds nearly blow Andi off the building. This seems safe. Both of them repeatedly use the word terrifying. You know what’s terrifying? What happens when they get to the bottom. I’m going to hear so many stupid Bachelor sanctioned words like “trust,” “conquer,” “together,” and “leap of faith.” That’s terrifying.
Marcus looks like he might throw up. He’s completely silent. Marcus “conquers” his fears first and takes the first “leap of faith” by stepping off the building first. As soon as that first step is done, his anxiety level seems to decrease. But Andi won’t budge. There’s no way she’s stepping off this ledge. The person running the adventure repelling company, Eric (joking), eventually pushes Andi’s feet off the building. He’s had enough of her hysterics. Of course there is a dangling kiss. Eventually the pair even repels past the other guys in their room. The guys accuse Marcus of looking tearful, to which Coach Brian yells, “repelling, there’s no crying in repelling!” “A League of Their Own,” anyone? They made it to the bottom and everything I was terrified about happened. Her fears were conquered. He got her off the ledge. Blah blah blah.
They go to dinner, he gets the rose. And because this date wasn’t over-played enough, there was a private concert. With some band I’ve never heard of. Moving on…
The Rose Ceremony Drama
Well, now we at least know why Andi’s still single! She’s crazy, y’all. Cray to the cray.
But before we get to that, Andi receives a letter from a secret admirer. Bets anyone? I’m going with Chris Harrison.
Moving on to the drama…
Unfortunately it happens with Eric. Knowing that Eric is tragically not with us, I felt really uncomfortable watching this exchange. It really did not need to be aired. But, I feel more than comfortable talking about how crazy Andi appears. Eric asks to talk to Andi and tells her that he feels like she isn’t acting like herself and acts a certain way when the cameras are present. He tells her it seems like sometimes she has on a poker face and he can’t read her. Andi acts like someone just told her momma’s ugly and so is she. She flips out.
In her tersest prosecutor voice, Andi tells Eric he has EVERY RIGHT to be honest and she respects his honesty but she is VERY taken aback. She is not a TV actress (she says with a flourish as the back of her hand strategically lands on her forehead as though she’s Scarlette O’Hara. She wishes!) Eric is happy to see emotion from Andi and tells her this is the real Andi he’s looking for. She starts to lose it more “you have NO IDEA what this takes. You have NO IDEA how exhausted I am. You have NO CLUE how it is to look at people in the face and send them home. You have NO IDEA.”
He tells her again that when the cameras are around there is a different side to her. She responds by saying so you’re continuing to call me fake. Then he says “acting” in a sentence, completely innocuously, and she went Juan Pablo style flip-out on him. Andi warns Eric that if he says “act” one more time she’s going to flip out. ACT ACT ACT ACT ACT ACT ACT ACT. Ok Andi, GO! At least I’ve got one thing figured out: Andi’s M.O. As soon as a guy upsets her she forbids them from speaking certain words. If you ever meet Andi and she tells you she’ll freak out if she hears you say [insert any innocuous word here], you know you’ve just crossed into crazy territory. Best put on your walkin’ shoes my friend. And with that Eric is sent home.
Andi’s crusade does not stop with Eric. She marches into the room where all the other guys were secretly eaves dropping on her conversation with Eric to tell them “this is NOT A JOKE to me. If any of Y’ALL think I have a poker face, you can say it right now and walk your ass out.”
Andi doesn’t stop there though. She keeps going, “Because it strikes such a nerve with me that someone can look me in the face and tell me I have a poker face with all of this when I have done nothing but try and be natural for y’all. Like this is not easy for me. [editorial: it must be really hard getting glammed up and traveling around the country, making out with random guys. That must be really hard.] I am ex-HAUST-ed. [editorial: take a nap Andi. And for the record, you're exhausting.] I am SO exhausted . [editorial: y'all, she's still tired.] And I am trying so hard [voice shaking]. I really am….blah blah blah… this is so real to me.”
ABC decides in light of Eric’s tragic death, it’s best not to show the rose ceremony. Instead, Chris sits down with Andi to talk about her relationship with Eric. I guess this is a PR move but I’m not buying any of it. Andi acted psycho and that’s that. She’s just so tired y’all.
It’s week three at the mansion and Andi knows the only way she can be serious about finding a husband is if she takes this show on the road. That would be true but for the fact that she’s taking these losers charmers on the road with her.
I’m not sure who Andi ticked off or if perhaps ABC has just run out of money on this show, but for some reason her extravagant travels take her to Santa Barbara. Don’t get me wrong, that’s a lovely place, but when you consider the exotic places other seasons have traveled, Andi’s destinations leave something to be desired. Just like this episode leaves something to be desired.
Andi checks in at the Econolodge Beachside in Santa Barbara, where the ABC producers needed to use a Groupon that was about to expire. I know what you’re thinking, gift certificates can’t expire. There is very clear case law on the subject. Anyway, it’s not quite the Ritz Andi was expecting but at least she has some fun dates ahead of her.
Back at the mansion, the guys all sit around in their bro-tanks while Chris Harrison sports a supremely ugly khaki coat. He tells the guys Andi likes what she sees. Cody says he doesn’t want to be treated like a piece of meat. Then he laughs hysterically; who is he kidding, he IS a piece of meat.
First One on One Date: Nick, let’s ride off into the sunset
Andi wants to get to know Nick and she wants him to get to know her. To make it easier to know her legs and general backside, Andi wears a pair of white shorts that she bought at the Limited Too. Does that store still exist? If not, just pick some other store that caters to children ages 10-14. Those shorts looked terribly uncomfortable, especially compounded with a bike ride. Advice for Andi: sometimes less isn’t more. Words to live by.
Andi and Nick cruise on their bikes, walk on the beach, hike some mountains and watch the sunset. It’s almost like ABC read every single cliche personal ad to create this date. I’m not complaining though because I like doing all those things. In fact, I prefer it to almost 99% of all other dates that happen on this ridiculous show.
In other news, denim vests are back. I wonder if I still have mine from 6th grade? It was from the Gap. Speaking of 6th grade, Andi and Nick both have crushes on each other. They head to dinner where they talk about their past relationships.
Back at the house, Marcus is starting to freak out about not getting one-on-one date with Andi. He’s better be careful before he becomes the new guard and protect your heart guy.
Nick tells Andi that he doesn’t believe in the idea that there is just one person for each person. Nothing says romance like keeping your options open. For some reason, Andi buys it though and Nick gets the rose.
The boys are in for a big surprise in the form of Boyz to Men. Sadly, the guys, all born after 1990, have absolutely no idea who Boyz to Men are, except for the cookie guy, Marquel. He knows. Brian, the basketball coach says Boyz to Men made him fall in love so many times in 7th and 8th grade. Eric says he touched his first butt to “I’ll Make Love to You,” in the 7th grade. I think they’ve both mistaken them for the Backstreet Boys. Andi introduces the group to “her friends,” Boyz to men. Right. You guys are about as good of friends as I am with Vincent Kartheiser after following him down the streets of Minneapolis. True story.
Proof! My friend! Anyway, the guys are going to be singing with Boyz to Men today. Unfortunately ABC did not provide the viewing audience with earplugs. The good news is we all have mute buttons on our TVs. Use ‘em, it’s necessary. Even though Opera thinks he’s totally in his element, I seriously wore out my battery hitting the mute button every time I saw him on camera. Atrocious. Andi can’t sing either, y’all.
When the group is done ruining people’s ear drums, they head to the obligatory after party. Marcus knows it’s time to tell Andi he loves her before it’s too late. Marcus kisses Andi and declares she’s the ONE. Well don’t tell that to Nick, Marcus. The former baseball player, whose name I can never remember (apparently it’s Josh), continues to feign nervousness and Andi continues to fall for it. Ugh. He’s just plain bad news. The date group rose goes to Josh. Marcus needs to get back to the mansion immediately to stick a pin in his Josh voodoo doll.
Second One on One Date: JJ and his loud pants
I have to borrow a phrase from Andi and tell JJ’s pants to stop it. Just stop. Can you imagine what he’d wear when he’s the groom? I’d rather not find out the answer to that question. As I theorized earlier, who in the world did Andi tick off? This is the world’s WORST date. I know I’ve said that before, but I MEAN IT. And typing in capital letters lets you know just how serious I am.
Why would you want your first date with someone to include liver spots, wrinkled skin, balding, and ear hair? Andi says the date is about seeing what it would be like to be with JJ 50 years from now. No. This is NOTHING like what it would be like. First of all, you both won’t still be thin. Second, you’ll have emotional baggage. Third, you’ll probably hate each other, just a little bit. Fourth, you definitely won’t both be THAT mobile. I know I should cynical. But this is dumb. The two spend the entire date pretending to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. It’s so stupid. I can’t even handle it.
When they are done posing as the Greatest Generation, the two head to dinner. On a couch. If eating dinner on a couch is the Bachelorette standard, then my boyfriend and I are definitely living a “fairy tale.” Other than JJ’s pants and this ridiculously lame date, I like him. Rose for JJ.
At the rose ceremony, JJ confronts the social media guy Patrick who got another girl’s phone number. A hostess to be accurate. Patrick says he can’t help it if women are shoving their phone numbers down his throat. #right.
Andi decides its time to send home the people whose bad hair still hasn’t been remedied. That includes Brett (ironically a hairstylist) and Bradley (the opera singer), who cries harder than an audience member after the most tragic aria ever sang.
Now that the Little Dutch Boy and Fabio are out of the picture, it’s time for Andi to find her husband. There are 19 men remaining and approximately -1 of them will become Andi’s future husband. Judge Harrison comes in the morning after the first rose ceremony to check on remaining inmates contestants. “ORDER, in the mansion,” yells Harrison. Order is hard to establish. Andi’s boyfriends have been consuming alcohol for at least 24 hours straight. Chris asks how they are enjoying the mansion. All the men excitedly respond that it’s awesome. Who knew a bunch of grown men sharing bunk beds would produce such an enthusiastic response? It’s either the booze talking or Andrew and Patrick confirming their love connection.
First One on One Date: Eric
It’s time for Andi’s very first one-on-one date. She chooses Eric for the date. In case you didn’t know, all snark and sarcasm aside, Eric tragically died a few weeks ago after a paragliding accident. Eric is absolutely adorable and seemed to live an incredible life full of travel and adventure.
Andi takes Eric to the beach where they frolic (and Eric does an impressive back-flip). A little while later, the ABC helicopter makes an unprecedented early entrance as it whisks Eric and Andi to the top of a snowy mountain. Oh helicopters. Romance. But not as romantic as…snowboarding. Maybe it’s because I live in the coldest major city in the US but I seriously don’t want to leave the beach for snow. No. Thanks. Pretty much nothing at all happens on this date. Andi just keeps saying over and over again that the date is epic. Epic? I guess I thought that word was reserved for things that are truly epic (like once in a life time) and novels like “The Iliad” and “The Odyssey.” But what do I know? I’m just an attorney. And so is Andi. Andi’s other favorite word? Stop. That must be confusing to the person who is talking. I’d be all like oh, should I keep going? Should I stop? You keep telling me to stop! Eric gets the rose. Stop.
Group Date: A Bunch Of People Whose Names I Can’t Remember
The date card says “let’s bare our souls.” Unfortunately, Marquel forgot to pay attention in the 4th grade and contemplates if that has anything to do with bears – of the black or brown variety. Those tricky tricky homophones. Bear with it Marquel, homophones are a bear, even when you’re bare.
Andi takes the group to watch the Thunder from Down Under. Or Magic Mike? Or the Chippendales? Either way, it’s a male revue and Andrew and Patrick can’t wait. Truthfully I don’t even know if they are on this date but I’m just going to pretend they are. The men will be “exposed” to the fine art of male erotic dancing. I really ought to make erotic dancing part of my future husband screening process. Good call Andi.
The men get divided into sexy cowboys, sexy firemen, sexy army men, and two solo acts. Yeehaw. Last week, I jokingly said Cody kissed his biceps when he met Andi. This week, Cody actually kissed his biceps. You can’t make this stuff up. Why do I feel like Cody will be completely at home as a male erotic dancer?
To assist in the judging of the guys, Andi has enlisted Kellie the Dog Lover (woof) and Sharleen the organic opera singer from Juan Pablo’s season. Why does ABC keep shoving Kellie the pot-stirring Dog Lover down my throat? The guys dance, and Cody lets a lady shove money in his mouth. Hard to believe you had to leave Atlanta to find such husband worthy material!
When the show is over, ABC pumps alcohol straight into Craig’s veins. In keeping with the theme of the night, Andi shows up to the after party looking like a high class escort. I would remove “excellent judgment” from your resume pretty soon, Andi.
The opera singer gets Andi alone, drops to one knee and starts to serenade her. Andi responds with an unenthusiastic “wow.” I am so thankful nobody has ever gotten down on one knee and starting to sing opera to me. I cannot handle that. Please note, reading me poetry will also result in uncomfortable laughter. Meanwhile, Poor drunk Craig is dying to talk to Andi. When he gets the chance he asks her “what’s the worst part about your parents?” Andi’s lawyering instincts kick in and she 1) pleads the Fifth and 2) motions to strike the question from the record. Craig ends up jumping in the pool and prosecutor Andi is unwilling to issue Craig a get out of jail free card.
Marcus gets the group date rose. I approve. He’s adorbs.
Third Date: One on One with Chris the Farmer from Iowa
Andi takes Chris to the horse track. Andi leaves her adult industry clothing behind and picks a sophisticated green dress for the track. Chris trades in his overalls for a pink shirt and a bow-tie. Andi and Chris are supremely over-dressed. This isn’t the Kentucky Derby, kids. Most of the other horse-track goers are clad in the Wrangler’s Chris just shed. As if this show couldn’t get any more fake, ABC plops Farmer Chris and Legal Andi next to a couple who, amazingly enough, have been together for 55 years. Isn’t that convenient! ABC was able to find actors for this bit but couldn’t put a couple extras in Andi’s empty courtroom? Andi says she needs to bet on the right horse. Chris says he needs to pee like a race horse.
I’m sort of partial to people from Iowa, having spent a great deal of my adult life in Nebraska (a stone’s-throw away from Iowa). I sort of like soft-spoken, farmer Chris. Plus, I love cows. Rose for Chris.
Then ABC ruined my night. A stupid private concert. Why do they do this to me? WHY!
At the after party, Nick from Wisconsin (shout-out to my home state!) says he wants to find a great love, Marquel wears a wild outfit and tries to flirt, someone does a sock puppet show (because that’s not weird at all) and Josh steals a kiss. I’d say Josh wins that round boys. Sock puppet dude, you lose. Drunk Craig sobers up and sings an apology song to Andi. It went like this (out of tune) “Call it what you wanna call it, I’m an effin’ alcoholic.” Wait, that’s an actual song. His was worse. It had the word “junk” in it. As in the anatomy of a male. To quote:
I messed up last night. I had too much firefly. I bared my junk to 13 other guys. But I hope and pray that it’s all right. Oh Andi. Please let me stay.
Oh Craig. I sincerely hope that my future husband never has to sing me a song apologizing for showing his junk to 13 other guys. The end.
No rose for Craig. No rose for the firefighter Carl (he’s an actual firefighter and a male dancing firefighter). No rose for Nick the golf pro. I have no clue who that is but I sure could use some golf lessons.
This season on the Bachelorette: Nancy Drew! No? That’s not right? Oh I’m sorry, based on the b-roll footage of Andi acting as a detective, I got confused. I didn’t know Andi was a regular ol’ Encyclopedia Brown. Because she’s NOT. Come on ABC. She’s a prosecutor! Prosecutors don’t investigate their own cases. Don’t even get me started about the empty courtroom. Couldn’t they find at least one extra to sit at the opposing counsel table?
Andi is so excited to go on this journey to find love. What a fantastic opportunity. Without the Bachelor franchise she’d be an old spinster within a year. In order to find love, Andi says she must leave behind a good profession. Obviously. Honey, you’ll never catch a man if you have a career! It’s always hard to recap the first night. There’s usually the token drunk guy, the guy who is promoting a music career, the guy who just got dumped, the guy whose Mother loves the show, and the guy who wishes Andi was Emily. Like last season I’ve come up with some superlatives based on the biggest losers most memorable contestants!
Most Likely To Find a Boyfriend on the Show
And the winner is… JJ, the “pantsapreneur.”
Most straight men can barely stand the idea of wearing pants that aren’t sweatpants, let alone designing wild pants. I think JJ might be on this “love quest” for another man. I wanted my boyfriend to wear blue shorts and you would have thought I suggested he put on a pair of those paisley pants JJ is sporting. I’m just saying, those pants are reserved for total frat boys and/or men who love other men. For the record, I’m all for men loving other men. I’m less for frat boys.
Most Likely to Use Roids
To make his grand entrance, Cody pushes the limo up the driveway. Something tells me Cody and JJ are not meant to be together. Cody chugs a beer and crushes it with his bicep. He also flexes, kisses his muscles and asks which way to the protein shakes? Andi is thrilled she left behind her coveted job for this. Cody wonders if Andi is willing to rub oil on his tanned body later when he poses in his weigh lifting shorts.
Most Likely to Live with his Mother
The doctor tells Andi she’s hot. Andi throws up a little in her mouth. He diagnoses her with reflux. Actually can we get a doctor in here? Because we have an emergency. That hair is AWFUL. Andi wonders if he uses Moroccan Oil to get that healthy shine. I’m also not convinced he’s a doctor — I’ve seen his picture on paint cans:
The award goes to Emil. This dude introduced himself as “like anal” but with an m. To quote, “[y]ou want to know my name? It’s Emil. ‘Anal’ with an M.” Is that a Freudian slip? Or is that completely deliberate? Are you anal retentive? So many questions, so little time. All I know is your parents never gave you a CHANCE, even if you did successfully complete the anal stage (chill out you pervs, that’s second phase of psychosexual development according to Freud). Moving right along…
Most Likely to be a Criminal
The guy who stole a lamp from his hotel.
Nothing says romance like 1) theft and 2) ugly lamps. Not the “brightest” guy. Andi is not impressed. She plans to go all Sherlock Holmes on him later and get to the bottom of this. You know, since she’s a detective. Honestly, I don’t remember his name. I’ll just call him lamp dude. I said it before and I’ll say it again, Andi aren’t you glad you gave up your career prosecuting criminals so you can date them instead? Brilliant move!
Most Likely to be a Tresemme Model
Tresemme, Ooo la la! This is clearly a tie between the Little Dutch Boy and this guy:
That’s Mike the bartender from Utah. What’s up with the long-haired men this season? Is that look in? Try as you may Mike, but you’ll never be Clay Matthews:
Andi looks around and realizes that’s it. It starts to sink in that she gave up her prestigious job for an opportunity to date someone who probably uses more hair styling products than she does. She decides it’s best to dumb it down the rest of the season and say “y’all” over and over again when all else fails. I know she’s from the South, y’all, but that Southern accent seems a bit stronger than it was last season. Don’t y’all agree?
Inside the mansion, Andrew, the social media guy, and Patrick, who I don’t remember, start to fall in love. Good! At least we’ll have one love connection this season! They fawn over each others nice clothes and Patrick blushes and giggles.
Outside the mansion is Chris from Emily’s season, trying to break into the mansion to continue his five minutes of fame win Andi’s heart. Chris Harrison clearly hates his name-same Chris because he refuses to let him in and has him escorted off the property. I can only assume Chris Harrison hates him because he touched Emily at one point. We all know how much Chris Harrison loves Emily. Duh, who doesn’t! And while Chris might have been edited to look like a crazy person, that award goes to someone else:
Most Likely to have a Restraining Order Filed Against Them
Josh B. from Colorado! You looked like a cute, normal person. And then you got rejected. And the crazy came out. Josh can barely hold back tears. Anger starts to boil-over. He says this is embarrassing and his friend made him sign up for this. “I just embarrassed the BEEEEEEEEEP out of myself,” Josh tells the camera. ABC realizes they need to get the psychologist to the rejection limo, STAT. As if Josh hadn’t embarrassed the BEEP out of himself enough yet, he continues by saying he’s going to go call his parents and tell them this sucked. Josh concludes with “this is stupid.” Andi, are you sure you don’t want to reconsider this gem?
I’m hard-pressed to say I really liked anyone, y’all. Anyone impress you? Do you guys love running your fingers through the mane’s of your men?
My name is Kate, and I’m addicted to the Bachelor franchise. [Hi, Kate].
If I knew anything about using drugs (I hardly think advil usage counts or that bout with accutane), I would imagine relapse feels something like seeing the ABC promo for the next season of the Bachelorette. I woke up the morning after “After the Final Rose,” feeling like a dirty person. Shamed at my addiction to bad television. Tired of riding this emotional roller coaster. Vowing that this season would be the last. I was happy to have a break and start my Bachelor cleanse. Just when I felt clean and sober, ABC went ahead and starting rolling out the promo’s for the up-and-coming season of the Bach. And just like that, I’m hooked. I need what ABC is dishing out. I want it. Screw sobriety. Bring on the drama, ABC. Bring on Andi and all of her annoying phrases like “honestly,” and “at the end of the day.” Because let’s face it, at the end of the day, addiction is addiction. And honestly, I’m addicted to this ridiculousness.
May 19th- I’m preparing for you. (Oh and that also happens to be my Juan Pablo’s birthday, who coincidentally, I still like a LOT MORE than the JP of yore).
Just when I thought I would never hate another bachelor as much as Ben Flajnik, enter Juan Pablo! Before I write this post, I need to take a moment and sincerely thank Juan Pablo. Because of his completely unlikable personality and deplorable treatment of women (and Chris Harrison), I had nearly 500 unique hits to my blog on Monday! Thank you Juan Pablo! For every jaw-dropping, spectacularly douchey thing you said, my blog had a new visitor. Muchos gracias, you skeezer.
I realize that I might have let you guys down when I didn’t recap the “Women Tell All.” I was away from home all last week and I simply ran out of time before this week’s finale. But, here’s a quick summary: trust, honesty, at the end of the day, doesn’t really hate gay people, English is my second language, everyone hates Juan Pablo, and eeet’s ok.
Without further ado, let’s join Juan Pablo in St. Lucia on his final chapter of his aventura. If you recall, it’s down to Clare and Nikki vying for the pile of male chauvinism that Juan Pablo’s hurling their direction. Well, that and a dose of narcissism, intolerance, flippancy, and a general disdainful personality. If that isn’t enticing in a future husband, I don’t know what is! I’m just being honest. Eeet’s ok.
Chris Harrison promises the 10 million viewers at home and his live studio audience that tonight will be the most dramatic season finale ever. Oh Chris Harrison, we’ve heard that one before, just like we’ve heard Juan Pablo say 10092732 times, “I’m just being honest.” At some point it starts to lose it’s meaning. I’m just being honest. It’s time to meet Juan Pablo’s family — the people responsible for bringing him into this world. On a side note, do you think we have some sort of cause of action against ABC for inflicting Juan Pablo in our lives? I’ve got damages for sure.
Clare Meets Mr. and Mrs. Juan Pablo and Cameeeeela
Juan Pablo’s dad is totally adorbs. That obviously must not be his biological father. Clare tells the JP clan she can’t wait to be a mother. In fact, she’s willing to start some baby-making in the spare bedroom if they don’t mind. Clare sits down with Juan Pablo’s mom so she can warn Clare that her son is sort of an a-hole. Clare asks if there is anything about his personality she should know about. Juan Pablo’s mom says “he can sometimes be very rude.” Nothing like your own mother throwing you under the bus! How much of a jerk do you have to be for your mother to basically warn total strangers of your poor personality?
I can just imagine their wedding vows:
Clare: From the second we met, I knew how rude you were and knew we were meant to be together. When your mother confirmed your rudeness, I knew it was something special.
Juan Pablo: I’m just being honest
Next up to warn Clare about Juan Pablo’s winning personality is his cousin. Turns out Juan Pablo has a tendency to run away when the goin’ gets tough. Shocker. Cousin tells JP Clare is READY for marriage (the word begging was actually thrown in there) and JP needs someone who is willing to stick around. This is all too much. Is the cousin basically saying that Juan Pablo is so offensive/ abusive that it’s hard for him to keep women in his life? Add that gem to the vows too, Clare!
Nikki Meets The People Juan Pablo Used To Call Family Before They Threw Him Under the Bus
Since meeting Juan Pablo’s family is old hat, Nikki decides to wear her swimsuit coverup to the rental casa. Juan Pablo’s cousin starts the convo, “so Nikki, you’re from Kansas right?” Nikki is not impressed, “who do you think I am, Dorothy? No I’m not from Kansas, you moron. I’m from Missouri.” After everyone is done making jokes about the bad witch and the good witch, Juan Pablo’s dad sits down to warn her.
Papa Pablo: He’s not an easy guy. He’s always focalized on what he wants. It’s all about what he wants.
Nikki: Mmmhmmm. Does my side braid still look ok? It’s really hot out here.
Papa Pablo: No seriously, he’s a selfish prick. I don’t know what happened. He only cares about himself. He thinks he knows the truth of everything.
Nikki: Got it. Seriously, can I get some powder PLEASE?
Papa Pablo: I think you guys are perfect for each other.
Mamma Pablo sits down with Nikki and tells her that life with him will consist of watching TV. Think his Bachelor watching days are over? His cousin tells Nikki Juan Pablo walks away from relationships when they get rough. Best of luck Nikki because he’s just so agreeable, if, in fact, agreeable is a synonym for cantankerous.
Final Date with Clare: I barely know you but I like (@&#(@ You!
I guess ABC read my recent post where I pondered why helicopters were so MIA this season. They remedied that situation and stuck Clare and Juan Pablo in a helicopter for their final date. Drama ensues. Let’s talk about it.
Clare is having a really romantic, surreal time with Juan Pablo. In a rare moment, Clare and Juan Pablo find themselves completely alone in the helicopter after it lands. No cameras. No producers. Just the two of them. Juan Pablo leans in to whisper something in her ear. Instead of hearing sweet nothings, Clare is left offended and confused. But what DID Juan Pablo say to Clare? She says it’s too offensive to repeat. Here are some theories:
Sorry about the herpes you’re definitely going to get.
I liked f***ing you way more than Nikki. Ey yey yey.
You’re so lucky you get to make out with me.
You’re really hot but I kind of wish Nikki were here.
I’m not picking you because I barely know you but I’m really excited to BEEP you later. (Insert dirty word into beep).
Clare tells the confession cam that Juan Pablo’s offensive words were something like “I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but I like f***ing you.” Aww, he’s such a gentleman. Could I get that printed on a t-shirt please? Romance.
Back at Nikki’s house, she resolves herself to finding out what JP meant by his words that shall not be repeated. He shows up at the door and practically begs like a dog for a little “besito.” She tells him they need to talk. Always bad news when you hear those words. Juan Pablo does the only thing he knows how to do. He just continues to beg for a little besito. I’m impressed with Clare’s restraint. I would have definitely punched him in the nose. The exchange was too annoying to even type. Clare talked, Juan Pablo just said mmhmm over and over. Juan Pablo says he doesn’t need “the physical.” Um. Right. Just like you don’t need air to breathe.
Juan Pablo tells Clare he can see himself with her. He knows that they will have babies in a year. Liar.
Wish. Clare. Would. Dump. Him. First.
Nikki’s Date Where Once Again Her Boobs Hang Out
That’s the end of this recap.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
It’s time. But right as we’re about to find out who will make an epic mistake, I realize there was no visit from the ever sleazy Neil Lane! This show seems incomplete without Neil Lane’s excessive chest hair hanging out of his unbuttoned crisp white shirt and his suitcase full of offensively large, tacky, costume jewelry rings. Come on ABC! I need to see Neil! How else will I be snarky? Oh that’s right. Juan Pablo. He provides me with ample fodder.
The girls get a memo from ABC instructing them to wear something that doesn’t look too bridal. Because Juan Pablo just ain’t going there. Ever. Nikki is thrilled because let’s face it, it’s hard to find slutty wedding dresses. Instead she opts for a blue dress with a slit all the way up to her bikini line. Way to stay classy Nikki.
Clare arrives to the final rose sight first. All these ocean views and ABC sticks them in the middle of the woods? First arrival = bye bye Clare. Fear not though Clare, fear not. You’re really dodging a bullet with this one. Or at least an STD. Clare tells Juan Pablo he’s a total prick. Oh wait. Not yet. First she tells him they have something special and she believes in him. Then Juan Pablo delivers a crushing blow. He says, “Clare, eeet’s ok. But I really liked f***ing Nikki a little more. Besito?” Clare is outraged. She tells him he misled her. She says she thought she knew what kind of man he was. She says “I lost respect for you. Because, I’ll tell you what. What you just made me go through, I would never want my children having a father like you.” Amen, sister!
And that’s when it happened. The nail in the proverbial coffin. Juan Pablo becomes the world’s most hated Bachelor. Ever. He says, with a smirk, “Whooo. I’m glad I didn’t pick her. Whooo” Cue. the. groans. Hey Juan Pablo, this isn’t the limbo. None of us wanted to see how low you can go.
Nikki is ready to spend the rest of her life with Juan Pablo. She is so excited for that Neil Lane sparkler. She knows it’s about to all come true. It’s a modern day fairy tale…if your Prince Charming also happens to date 25 women, makes out excessively with half of them, sleeps with a handful of them and then slut-shames one of them, and continuously says offensive things and then blames a language barrier. Nikki calls that everything she’s dreamed of. I call that my worst nightmare. Well actually, my worst nightmare is being shot (I don’t know what’s wrong with me) but this blog is all about being hyperbolic.
Except Nikki soon learns that Prince Juan Pablo is not proposing. He tells her “I have this ring in my pocket. But I’m not going to use it. I’m not 100% sure that I want to propose to you. But at the same time, I’m 100% sure that I just don’t want to let you go.” Nikki is fuming. How in the world can she instagram a non-engagement ring? But he reassures her. “I like you a lot. A lot.” With a wink to seal the deal.
So what happened after the final rose? That post will be up soon. Here’s a preview: Juan Pablo continues to be completely and utterly unlikable.
Saint Lucia. The last time the Bachelor stepped foot in Saint Lucia was when Jake Pavelka was the leading man. Now, we’re back on the island and Juan Pablo is the leading man. I think the Bachelor is sending us a message: the worst Bachelors EVER will always conclude in Saint Lucia. And their initials will be J.P. So it’s off to Saint Lucia for the overnight dates filled with STDs drama like we’ve never seen before, promised to us by Chris Harrison.
Juan Pablo says he is thrilled that it’s overnights this week because there are no cameras and that means he’s free to use all three girls for sex privacy.
First Overnight Date: Clare
Juan Pablo chooses Clare for his first overnight date because he knows she’s a sure thing. He’d rather not have any surprises after 4 weeks of tortured celibacy (with the exception of the ocean transgression).
Clare says that if you told her a year ago she’d be standing in St. Lucia, with the man of her dreams, falling in love, she wouldn’t believe it. I can only assume she means Chris Harrison. I refuse to believe there is a warm-blooded female in this world who would actually call Juan Pablo the man of her dreams. I feel sad that the man of Clare’s dreams is about to have sex with two other people. Juan Pablo takes Clare to a yacht to spend the day. Seriously, are helicopter so 2010? It’s all about the yacht.
Clare is grappling with whether she should spend the night with Juan Pablo because she doesn’t want genital herpes to set a bad example for Cameeeeeeela.
In case you didn’t hear Juan Pablo the first 50 times, he explains the fantasy suite is totally private– no cameras– an “opportunity to get to know each other better. A LOT better.” He might as well have winked. We get it Juan Pablo; you are going take Clare back to the nightmare fantasy suite and repeat your ocean performance on dry land.
The fantasy suite card arrives with the usual invitation from Chris Harrison to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. JP is practically drooling. He needs his privacy! Clare is not so sure. She brings up Vietnam. She doesn’t want to set a bad example for Cameeeela. Juan Pablo says he doesn’t give a rat’s you know what about Cameeeela because it’s fantasy suite night and gosh darn it, he’s going to USE the fantasy suite.
That leads me to things less disgusting than the fantasy suite:
Errant hairs on your hotel sheets
The smell of vomit
Eating a hair in your restaurant soup
Drinking spoiled milk
Pee on toilet seats
Seeing a nail clipping on the floor
Boils. Like ones coming out of people’s faces.
Clare is, “just like loving, falling in love with [Juan Pablo].”
Sloppy Second Fantasy Suite Date: Andi
Andi and Juan Pablo go shopping downtown Saint Lucia. It was the same date we’ve seen 27 times before on every tropical island.
When Juan Pablo is done pretending to care about the little local kids, he takes Andi in a land buggy to a secluded area next to a waterfall. Andi is officially the waterfall chick. Andi asks Juan Pablo what he talked to her family about during the hometown date. I officially hate Juan Pablo. His voice gets high pitched and defensive when he talks about Andi’s dad. I want to punch him in the face. Apparently Juan Pablo’s insanely annoying attitude and voice do not bother Andi. She’s more than happy to make out with him under the waterfall.
Andi and Juan Pablo chit chat and I get bored. Turns out Juan Pablo talking is just as boring Juan Pablo not talking. Andi agrees to the fantasy suite.
In the morning, Juan Pablo said the fantasy suite was good — in fact, he didn’t know it was going to be THAT good. Andi tells the camera, “waking up, I couldn’t wait to get out of the fantasy suite.” I can only assume she needed to see a gynecologist ASAP. She says, “the fantasy suite turned into a nightmare.” She said the whole night was a disaster. She saw a side to him she did not like. Like his naked side? Yikes. Andi realizes that he doesn’t care about who she was, what she thinks and what she wants. Ummm hello! Obviously he doesn’t care about you, or ANY of you! Andi’s also mad that he talked about Clare’s overnight date and his lack of filter. She finds Juan Pablo offensive.
I get it Andi. So do same-sex, committed couples. I wish Clare would also get it. He’s offensive. Period.
Third Fantasy Suite Date: Nikki
I can only assume Nurse Nikki has to go third because all the producers think she’s an awful person. Payback time. Nurse Nikki wants Juan Pablo to know up front she knows what the fantasy suite is all about and she’s on board. To drive home the message, Nurse Nikki decides wearing a shirt is not necessary on her date. And wearing really hideous pants will also send a message: poor judgment.
I can only assume Nurse Nikki smoked something before she picked out that outfit. They go horseback riding and Juan Pablo calls her sexy two times in Spanish. Juan Pablo says more times than he used Cameeeeeela as an excuse that he can’t WAIT for tonight.
Nurse Nikki and Juan Pablo head to the fantasy suite. Enough said.
Andi’s Boots Were Made For Walkin’
Andi listens to Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots Are Made for Walkin’” on repeat until she feels just angry enough to confront Juan Pablo.
Here’s how the conversation went down:
Andi: I realized I wasn’t in love with you and that I wasn’t going to be and this isn’t going to work.
Juan Pablo: That’s ok. Eeeeet’s ok.
Andi: It shouldn’t just be OK. I left behind all this stuff and I put myself out there. It’s not ok. You saying it’s ok bothers me.
Juan Pablo: I cannot force you to feel something for me.
Andi: You saying “it’s ok” seems like you don’t care.
Juan Pablo: English is my second language. And I have a daughter. Her name is Cameeela.
Andi: You don’t even know who I am. I want to die if I have to hear “it’s ok” again. I want you to feel something.
Juan Pablo: Eeet’s ok.
Andi: Do you think the fantasy suite date night went well? Because you gave me a really weird rash.
Juan Pablo: I told you I got that from Clare.
Andi: I don’t want you to talk about Clare during my overnight.
Juan Pablo: Eeeeet’s fine.
Andi: There is a difference between being honest and being an asshole. You told me I was here by default.
Juan Pablo: I don’t know what default means. I don’t speak English.
Andi: Do you have any idea what religion I practice, what my political views are? Do you have any idea?
Juan Pablo: I have no idea. But I know your bra cup size and that’s what really matters.
Whether you are on team Andi or team Juan Pablo, I don’t care. All I know is Juan Pablo is the worst Bachelor ever. Juan Pablo says he’s not going to argue with a lawyer. Since I’m one, I assume he’ll just agree with my statement. But, eeeeeet’s ok.
It’s Friday night and I’m blogging and babysitting. Now THAT is a raucous Friday night! On average, how many IQ points do you think you lost watching a cumulative FOUR HOURS worth of Juan Pablo this week? Well, in the words of Juan Pablo, eeeeeets ooookay. We’re in this together.
With 20 less IQ points than I had last week, I bring you this two-part update. Eeeeeets ok, let’s just get started.
It’s hometown dates. I practically salivated imagining the dysfunctional families we were about to meet. Would there be another family with a basement full of dead animals? Perhaps another memorial service for a dead dove in the backyard? Or how about someone with some sense? Maybe someone who sees Juan Pablo for what he is? A scumbag? Let’s find out. Eeeeets ok.
Nurse Nikki’s Kansas City Hometown Date
Nurse Nikki is so ex-sigh-ted to have Juan Pablo in her home town of KC. She suddenly developed a Southern accent upon here return from “literally” traveling around the world. Thanks for clearing that up for me Nikki. All night long I would have though you traveled all over the world, figuratively. On a side note, could you EVER imagine Juan Pablo living in KC? It’s pretty much the anti-Miami. But sure, whatever.
I don’t understand why Nikki is acting like she lives in Texas, but again, sure whatever. She wants a cowboy (again, Juan Pablo, a cowboy? He’s the anti-cowboy). She takes Juan Pablo to Oklahoma Joe’s BBQ. I like Nurse Nikki only for a fleeting second because I have eaten there and it is delish. When I’m done drooling, I’m back to hating Nikki. Sadly, Juan Pablo is the most animated I’ve ever seen him over the BBQ sauce. Then they ride a mechanical bull. Again, Nikki, you live in KC – not Texas. Ugh. This is so stupid. I really should have named my blog that instead, “Ugh. This is so stupid.”
Just when I feel like I’ve had all I can handle in the first 7 minutes of this show, it’s time to meet Nikki’s family. Her dad puts the finishing touches on Nikki’s prenup and makes sure Nikki’s trust fund has provisions prohibiting anyone named Juan Pablo to ever have access to that money. In the words of Kanye…I ain’t sayin’ he’s a gold digger. (I’m actually just saying he’s a fame digger).
Back at Nikki’s mansh, JP meets Nikki’s butler, au pair, dad, mom, the family lawyer named Stanley, and the chauffeur. Nikki’s dad made sure his hair was parted as far to the side as possible. He doesn’t want Juan Pablo to have any confusion – it’s the republican side-part hairstyle. (PS, I found this amazing article about presidential hair parting from the New York Times in 1904!) If you are a Republican and I’ve just insulted you, I’m sorry. But that hair was REALLY something. After I got over Nikki’s dad’s televangelist hair, I realized she was complaining about riding in coach to Asia.
Poor oppressed Nikki! Coach?! How could ABC subject you to such unthinkable horrors? I hope the next time they pay to “literally” fly you around the world, on their dime, they really consider not making you ride in the third class of Titanic. Or at least I hope they let you bring your au pair along.
The rest of the hometown is a snooze. Nikki is, like, BEST FRIENDS, with her mom. And she is definitely in love with Juan Pablo. Is Nikki’s dad legitimately a televangelist? He reminds me of one. His voice seems like it could garner a following. Her dad basically says don’t propose to my kid. One point for dad. Dad presses Nikki on why Juan Pablo is the one. Nikki says she can’t really articulate it, but she KNOWS it’s right. Sure it is honey, sure it is. It’s as right as that side part. Nurse Nikki says she is ready to be a step-mother because she agreed to double her au pair’s salary in Miami.
Atlanta Andi’s Hometown Date
Again, I don’t know why all these girls think they are in Texas, but Andi takes Juan Pablo to a shooting range. That is really annoying to me. You bring someone to your hometown and you do something (stupid) that you can do anywhere in the country? That’s what Atlanta has to offer? Thanks, but no thanks.
If Juan Pablo came to my hometown, named the Gayest City in America, I’d make sure he witnessed a same-sex marriage. I know how much he likes and respects same-sex couples.
Anyway, back to Atlanta Andi. Andi’s dad is unimpressed that Juan Pablo has spent a cumulative 97 minutes alone with Andi since this journey began. That’s right folks, Andi has only had ONE date alone with this creep fantastic catch that ABC is shoving down our throats. Andi’s dad sneaks into the kitchen to double up on his blood pressure medication. He also practices some deep breathing exercises to prevent himself from punching Juan Pablo in the face.
When Andi’s dad cools down, he sits down with Juan Pablo and tells him the most sane thing I’ve EVER heard on this show. He will not give Juan Pablo his blessing to marry his daughter “because the person who that is going to be good enough for [his] daughter is going to come to [him] and say there is no one else in the world.” He follows it with, if that happens with you, we’ll have that discussion at a later time. Andi’s dad knows Juan Pablo will never be around for that discussion. Juan Pablo knows he’ll never be a “no one else in the world,” kind of guy. He’s more of a “25 women at once,” kind of guy.
Andi’s sister says she doesn’t see it. Andi cries. I think they are drunk tears. But her family’s blatant disgust with Juan Pablo won’t bring her down. She says she is CLOSE to being in love with Juan Pablo. My favorite part of the hometown date was the family debriefing. It reminded me of my family. We love a good debrief.
Counselor Renee’s Sarasota Hometown Date
Renee’s son is the cutest, sweetest thing about this show. I expected nothing less though seeing as Renee is the nicest Bachelor contestant ever. And that’s the hometown date in a nutshell!
Oh and Renee has a really cute brother. Renee’s mom tells her “we can love our pets, but we need to be in love.” I love my cat. But a cat does not a husband make! Try telling my sister that when she was 10. Moving on.
Clare’s California Hometown Date
I know some people think Clare is crazy (namely Nikki) but I just don’t agree. Laura’s crazy. Juan Pablo gets to meet Clare’s five older sisters and Clare’s momma (sorta).
There are two memorable things about this hometown date. First, the Clare clan calls their deceased father, daddy. Over and over again. There is something really weird about grownups calling their parents mommy and daddy. The only time I call my dad “daddy” is to annoy him. Second, Laura doesn’t allow “momma” to talk to Clare. Clare tells Laura MOMMA is allowed to speak for herself. When the two of them go back and forth, with momma sitting mutely in the middle, I start to wonder if momma really CAN speak for herself? Can she speak? Or does she not speak English? Momma done say NOTHIN’ during this sister spat. Laura says Clare is manipulating momma. Momma stays silent. Why doesn’t MOMMA regulate this fight?! Come on Momma!
Eventually Momma chats, in Spanish, with Juan Pablo. I guess she is capable of talking. Just not with Laura and Clare. That evil manipulator. How dare she ask her Momma for her opinion!
We all know what’s coming. Three things. Short, tight dresses that originally belonged to cross-dressing street walkers, Renee’s elimination and Renee’s enduring class, graciousness and dignity. She’s clearly way too nice for this show. All we care about are the Nikki’s, Courtney’s and Teirra’s of this world.
What we didn’t see coming was a pigeon dropping a sandwich on Renee’s head. I’ll be back soon with the MOST DRAMATIC OVERNIGHT DATES EVER! Chris Harrison you liar.
This morning I woke up at a crossroads. It was 7:30 AM. I popped out of bed and started to get ready to head to the gym. I could run 6 miles and lift weights all before 9:30 hot vinyassa yoga. Then I remembered it was -59 degrees for the 189th day straight (technically, it’s 7 degrees but still) and the roads were covered in ice. I got back into bed, determined that I was in fact already doing “shavasana” and called it good. Sorry health, you lose today.
The alternative instead is writing this post and eating girl scout cookies. Thin Mints to be exact. None of those 90 lb broads still on the Bachelor would have skipped the gym and opted for 450 calories worth of cookies instead. If they made poor decisions like me, there is no way they could fit into those cocktail dresses that I can only assume were bought from Miami’s finest hookers. Those dresses make actual prostitutes look chaste.
On a side note, the Proclaimer’s “I’m gonna be (500 Miles)” just played on my computer, so naturally I started dancing in my chair. That’s exercise, right? Anyone who doesn’t dance to that song is dead inside. Anyway, back to Miami.
Juan Pablo and his gaggle had to Miami. International travel is so yesterday. Renee wants to know if she can just stay at her own house instead of a hotel. ABC tells her unfortunately she needs to be available 24-7 to counsel/ babysit the kids Juan Pablo is trying to marry.
First One on One: Sharleen, Come SEA my City
Juan Pablo personally delivers the date card to Sharleen. Sharleen is disappointed she has to go on a date with Juan Pablo. She was hoping for a one-on-one with Andi instead. Sharleen and her side braid head out on Juan Pablo’s ABC’s rental yacht. The duo lays down on the front of the yacht, where they remain horizontal the next 30 minutes. They have nothing to say to each other so they just make out. Occasionally Sharleen tells JP he’s trouble.
Then they make out more. Sharleen tells the camera Juan Pablo is not her type. Because her type is typically not male, which is totally fine with me but less fine with Juan Pablo. We watch them make out more. For some reason ABC zooms in so close I can see food stuck in their teeth. Ugh. I do not need to watch this.
Sharleen is worried that she cannot have a conversation with him and can only make out with him. Sharleen says “I wish I was a little dumber.” Not to be rude Sharleen, but you don’t exactly strike me as a rocket scientist. That’s one of my sisters. Boo ya.
Sharleen is SO happy to be done with the date. She finds Renee for some counseling. She tells Renee she’s not sure she should stay on the show any longer. Renee realizes she needs to increase her hourly wage.
Second One on One: Nikki
Nikki decides for her date it’s best to wear her silky summer robe with a pair of her 12 year old sister’s jean shorts. The girls all adhere to ABC sorority rule number 17, “shorter is always better.” Let me know if you’d like a complete list of the ABC sorority rules.
Juan Pablo is taking Nikki to Cameeeeela’s dance recital. Nikki is really excited but wishes that she wouldn’t have to interact with the kid. She’s a little excited to size up Cameeeeela’s mommy though. Until she realizes Cameeeeela’s mommy is a model. And has on appropriately sized clothes. Nikki curses the fact that her butt checks hang out below her shorts.
At the dance recital, Nikki meets Juan Pablo’s parents, Cameeela and Carla. ABC keeps the camera on Carla the entire recital. Nikki is worried about leaving a sweaty butt mark on her seat. Don’t worry Nikki, I’ve been there. You’ll really enjoy the nickname “swassy” the rest of your life.
When the recital is over, Nikki’s heart rate returns to normal and she changes into a black mini skirt made of fringe and puts two pieces of white material over her boobs and calls it a shirt. JP takes Nikki to Marlin’s Stadium, where he works. They throw around a baseball as I hold my breath just waiting for the moment when her boob flies out. When it never does I can only assume she used some powerful double-sided tape. Eventually they move to a blanket on the field. Nikki seizes the opportunity to ask Juan Pablo WTF is up with his relationship with Carla? He replies something about the moon and the sky. Then they make out. Nikki says she’s in love with Juan Pablo. Juan Pablo is in love with Carla.
Sharleen decides it’s time for her to go home. She says she’s “super conflicted and [has] been for a while.” She tells the girls she is going to leave. The girls use all their restraint to stop themselves from hootin’ and hollerin’ and cheering that there is one less girl. Sharleen goes to JP’s room to break the bad news to him.
For some reason Sharleen whispers all of her thoughts to Juan Pablo. I don’t know why she’s whispering. Is there another girl in there? She whispers to Juan Pablo that she doesn’t think she can get to the place she needs to be for an engagement. News flash Sharleen, nobody should get to a place where they are ready for an engagement after four weeks. Especially when your betrothed was dating 25 other people along the way. Sharleen starts to cry. Juan Pablo literally wipes the snot from her nose. Jesus. Nobody should ever wipe your snot if you are older than 5, or if you are physically incapable of doing it yourself. Juan Pablo tells Sharleen, “you’re different. In a good way.” Sharleen tells Juan Pablo, he’s different too but not in a good way.
Per Sharleen’s request, ABC starts to play John Denver’s song, get your tongue out of my mouth because I’m kissing you goodbye:
It’s over now, you’ve gone too far I can’t take anymore
Be careful now, don’t hurt yourself when you walk through the door
I can hardly stand to look at you it makes me want to cry
Get your tongue out of my mouth because I’m kissing you goodbye
The girls hop on a sea plane. You know what’s noticeably absent this season? Helicopters! How can they fall in love without helicopter rides? There is a rose at stake on the date, which means the rose recipient is forced gets to take Juan Pablo home to meet her family. The rose lady also gets to continue the date alone with Juan Pablo.
Andi acts insecure again and tells Juan Pablo to “get ready for a breakdown.” How romantic. Has anyone else noticed that every single week Andi and Juan Pablo have the same conversation over and over again? She says she’s worried, he says it will be ok and then she is instantly cheered up. Same story, different outfit.
Clare tells Juan Pablo about the video her dad made for her future husband before her dad died. ABC’s way of foreshadowing their exploitation of the video next week. Ugh. ABC, how low can you go?
Per usual, the one who acts the most insecure gets the rose. Rose for Andi. Andi and Juan Pablo go dancing. Well, Juan Pablo dances and Andi stands there stiffer than a board.
The rejects head back to the house. Clare is disappointed that she has to spend another night at the hotel with Nikki. She says “I want to hang out with Nikki as much as I want to get stung by a jelly fish.” Clare and Nikki get into a fight about absolutely nothing. Clare says “Nikki always gets away with just being a BITCH” (emphasis added) and she’s not going to let her get away with it this time. It went down like this:
Clare: Nikki, what the heck just happened downstairs?
Nikki: I mean, I don’t like. I don’t like want to like sit around. And like. You talk shit.
Clare: Who talked shit?
Nikki: DON’T INTERRUPT ME.
Clare: Nobody talked shit.
Nikki: I didn’t want to be in the conversation.
Clare: Don’t cut me off.
Nikki: I have nothing to say to you. I don’t like you. We are never going to be friends. You can just excuse yourself from my room.
Clare: I can excuse myself? This is all of our suite.
Nikki: Oh really, did you sleep here?
Clare: Did you pay for this room?
Nikki: Did you SLEEP HERE?
Clare: Did you PAY FOR THIS ROOM?
It reminded of a fight 11 year old sisters would have but with more swearing. I guess that makes sense given that they all shop in the kids section for their shorty-shorts and dresses. Nikki calls Clare fu*king crazy. Let me set the record straight Nikki, ya BOTH crazy.
At the rose ceremony, the girls followed sorority rule number 17 (already mentioned) and 43, which is “if you’re worried you might get cut, make sure you dress up like a slut.” Alright, I hate that word but I wanted to make a rhyme. I like the word “ho” better. Please see rule 30, “if you want him for your beau, always dress up like a ho.” I’ve never seen such little dresses. They make Julia Roberts dressed as a prostitute in Pretty Woman look classy. Did ABC dress them like this? It’s ridiculous. I have crop-top t-shirts longer than those dresses.
Chelsie gets sent home. That leaves Renee as the only sane person left in that house.
Cynicism. I’ve got it. When Conan took over for Jay Leno and was subsequently booted so cry baby Jay could have his job back (BOO) I watched earnestly as Conan said goodbye with total grace and dignity to his dream job he held for a only a few short months . In his goodbye, Conan said something that has stuck with me and always will. Here’s the clip:
It’s excellent life advice. But lately I just can’t help but feel cynical watching this nightmare of a show week after week. Is it Juan Pablo? Is it the girls? Is it everything? Is it the over the top dates? Maybe it’s all of the above. But this show has gotten so off course from where it started and Juan Pablo is the furthest thing from wanting a wife. Obviously I can’t follow Conan’s advice and write this blog. This whole blog is based on cynicism. I really hope that if I get to meet Conan some day he never knows about this blog. So with a little dose of cynicism, here I go…
Juan Pablo and his gaggle of girls head to New Zealand for some make out time. Juan Pablo says New Zealand is the perfect place to find love and fall in love. Right.
First Date: Andi, Let’s Heat Things Up
Juan Pablo says Aaandeee has it going on and he “plan for her a very aaa-ven-tur-ahhs date.” Yes, you read that correct. 1) Juan Pablo can’t say planned and 2) Juan Pablo believes he “plan” the date. I’m sure. I’m as sure as that as I am that I’m about to be struck with a lightening bolt. Listen guys, Conan didn’t say squat about sarcasm.
Juan Pablo takes Andi on a speed boat ride in the middle of the New Zealand winter. It reminds me of our annual Memorial Day boat riding that my family and I take. It’s usually around 40 degrees and sometimes there’s still ice on the water. We have to wear scarfs and blankets when we go over 40 mph. It’s super fun! Luckily at the end of our boat rides nobody tells me I have to get in the water. No such luck for Andi. She puts on a brave face and hops into the foreign, murky, freezing cold water. Oh the things you do for fame love. Juan Pablo guides Andi through some narrow cannons. And I mean narrow. JP’s giant ego could barely fit between those rocks. Clare obviously wasn’t asked to participate in this date because her boobs would have never been able to squeeze through some of those really tight spots. At times I couldn’t remember if I was watching the Bachelor or watching the 20/20 episode about the man who got trapped rock climbing and had to cut off his own arm.
Please Andi, don’t have an anxiety attack. ABC you stink. Juan Pablo says Andi need to trust him. No she doesn’t. Once again, this is not how you build trust. Eventually the path opens up and Juan Pablo and Andi are immersed in a hot spring. Juan Pablo stops and frisks Andi and she does not object even without a reasonable articulation of illegal activity. No sir, Andi consents to this frisk. Hell, she’d even consent to a search. They aggressively make out under a waterfall and JP forgets all about his daughter and setting a “good example.” Raise your hands for hypocrisy!
After the date, Juan Pablo takes Andi to dinner in front of a geyser. Thanks to Big Pharma all I can think of is erectile dysfunction commercials. Maybe JP is sending some sort of subliminal message. The geyser turbulently ejects water, spraying Andi and Juan Pablo. Andi pouts that the geyser has ruined her date. Actually, Juan Pablo ruined your date. Because you’re on a date with Juan Pablo.
I meant to bring this up earlier but I noticed Andi’s other favorite catch-phrase besides “honestly” is “at the end of the day.” I feel like that phrase is totally bull. At the end of the day all that matters is blah blah blah. Well that’s sort of true but I don’t want the rest of my day to totally suck. But alas, at the end of the day, Rose for Andi. Honestly.
Group Date: Come Play With My Balls
Nobody should ever be allowed to come on this show and utter the following words, “today is my 22nd birthday!” 22 years old! I have underwear that’s older than 22 years old. Seriously, I probably need some new undies that don’t have holes or snowmen on them. Anyway, in case you don’t hear Cassandra tell you 57 times, today IS her 22nd birthday. And because she’s 22 years old, she’s dropping the Pablo from Juan’s name. He’s just Juan now.
The girls slip into tiny swimsuits that actually used to belong to their American Girl Dolls. Waiting for them are giant balls, with a slipe-n-slide entrance and some water inside. The balls roll down a hill and Juan Pablo generously offers to make out with them each individually as they slide down the hill. What a stand up guy! If Juan Pablo wasn’t there ruining the ball experience, I would definitely want to try that.
photo source: Wikipedia
After they are done playing with Juan Pablo’s big balls, the group heads to a cocktail party. Juan Pablo continues his make-out quest. In order, he makes out with Renee, Nikki, Sharleen, and pretty much everyone else except Kat and Cassandra.
Sharleen continues to act weird and unsure of her feeling for the Bachelor. She is fairly certain she would have stronger feelings for the Bachelorette.
Cassandra realizes now that she’s 22 years old she’s ready to take “Juan” home to be Tray’s new daddy. She feels like the luckiest girl alive for meeting Juan. Then Juan tells her he has a special birthday present and it’s a ride in the rejection limo! And a plane ticket home.
Sharleen gets the date rose, reluctantly accepts it and curses the fact that she didn’t get to participate on Emily’s season.
ABC decides to play the most horrific, unconscionable music during Cassandra’s birthday rejection limo ride. What is up with the sporadic and always horrendous music selections this season?
Second One on One Date: Let’s Make Out But Just Not In the Ocean Because That’s Crossing the Line
Clare gets the second one on one date. She needs an apology from Juan Pablo after he slut-shamed her. Amazingly enough, there is an entire Wikipedia page dedicated to slut-shaming! Who knew. Also, if I ever dated someone who “slut-shamed” me, don’t worry buddy, no apology necessary. You’ll never see me again. I wish Clare could say the same…
Here’s what transpired:
JP: I was worried because you felt horrible for being such a whore. But now you’ve learned from me.
Clare: I appreciate that. I was just in the moment.
JP: You will learn these things when you have children. I couldn’t say no because I would devastate you.
Clare: So what are our boundaries?
JP: I don’t want to ever let you meet Cameeeeeeeeeela.
Clare: But what did we do that was inappropriate?
JP: You made me go in the ocean at 4 AM. This is all your fault.Break in conversation while JP and Clare make-out.
Clare is so happy they talked things through and Juan Pablo apologized.
Raise your hand if you’re completely confused. (Hand raised). Where was the apology? Why is it inappropriate to make out in the ocean but not make out with 100 girls in a row on dry land? Why wasn’t it inappropriate to make out in a hot tub/ pool? Oh I guess it’s because you didn’t just make out in the ocean–you had s-e-x. Also, Juan Pablo’s rules only apply when they are convenient for him, like using his daughter to reject people. Is anyone else wondering why Juan Pablo’s 4 year old daughter would ever be allowed to watch this show?
He is such an outstanding parent.
Clare gets a rose. Juan Pablo makes out with her some more but he’s making sure to be a good example for Cameeeeeela by making out with her in a living room, instead of an ocean.
Nikki and Juan Pablo have a conversation in which they say absolutely nothing. She makes sure to maintain her trend of wearing dresses too small and too short. This time she adds an 80′s twist with some sheer black nylons and an off the shoulder red dress. Renee proceeds to prove she’s the only stable person in the house. Kat spills her secrets about her troubled childhood. Sharleen cries thinking about which girl will leave tonight.
Juan Pablo decides Kat’s gotta go because let’s face it, he hasn’t made out with her yet. Kat leaves. Sharleen bawls.
Next week the crew heads to Miami. Renee, the only person who has heard of Miami by Will Smith starts to rap, “Party in the city where the heat is on, all night on the beach till the break of dawn, welcome to Miami (bienvenido a miami).” In case you’re wondering, that song came out in 1998. Ah 8th grade, good times!
It’s infinity scarf week in Vietnam for the remaining 11 women. As Allie explains, “it’s really setting the scene for a good love story.” Little did she know the love story was about Juan Pablo and Clare. Sidebar: Allie is the girl who plays soccer and is from Chicago but looks like Andi, who is the soon to be unemployed DA from Georgia, who looks like Allie. Got that? Good.
First Date: Renee, Are We the Right Fit
It’s the pretty woman date, Vietnam style. The pretty woman date is notoriously the kiss of death on this show. Here’s hoping it’s not Renee’s kiss of death (even though she’s dying for a kiss of any type). Juan Pablo pedals her around on a bike in some Vietnamese town.
Have any of you been on one of those pedi-cab things? When I was young and cute (a prime Bachelor candidate but for that one pesky trait I just can’t seem to shake…good judgment) my sister and I were in Savannah, Georgia when a pedi-cabbie insisted on giving us a ride. Even though we said no 15 times, we still ended up on that dumb thing.
He pedals her to a dress shop for a custom made dress. For only $0.05, Renee gets a traditional Vietnamese dress in 5 minutes. Ahh child labor. Renee sweats profusely during the fitting because 1) it’s awkward, 2) it’s 107 degrees there, 3) she doesn’t love the idea of violating human rights but doesn’t want to offend Juan Pablo. I mean, if he’s so anti same-sex couples, who says he’s not anti child labor? What was the word he used? Oh I remember… pervert. After the dress fitting, the Brady Bunch buy presents for their kids while Renee wills JP to kiss her.
Juan Pablo and the only person he hasn’t kissed yet head to dinner. Renee is just such a sweet heart, I have nothing but lovely thoughts about her. She needs to run away from him.
Meanwhile, back at the house, the second date card arrives. With the second date card, we find out that this week’s petulant child of the week is Andi! She cannot believe she has to go on yet again another group date.
Juan Pablo asks Renee, “Rennaayyyy, will you ass-epp this rose?” She ass-epps. Then he takes her to one of these “make a wish” locations that seemingly every country has and naturally she wishes for a kiss. It was a wasted wish though because JP decided there would be no kiss on this date. Boo Renee, next time you need to wish for something better than germs from Juan Pablo and the 6 other girls he’s swapped saliva with. Like winning the lottery. The only “make a wish” activities I’ve done is breaking the wish-bone from some sort of bird carcass. Nothing says romance like chicken bones.
Group Date: Juan Pablo, Clare, and some other girls he has to pretend to be into
The girls opt to leave their infinity scarves at home and instead wear their pre-teen sisters’ jean shorts. The girls will be boating down a river in a traditional Vietnamese boat. JP instructs them to pair off. Clare-bear is left standing alone. Dog-lover tells us this is because she has no friends. But friends does not a lover make, and Clare knows this so off she goes in Juan Pablo’s boat. That’s 1 for Clare, 0 for Dog-lover. Because Juan Pablo always wants to set a good example for Cameeeeela, he seizes an opportunity to make out with Clare in front of the other girls when he thinks they can’t see him. Even though he’s out in the open. In a boat. Such a class act, that Juan Pablo!
The petulant child, Andi, is not happy. She did not know she was going to watch Clare’s one-on-one date on the group date.
Back at the house, Nikki tells the camera that going on another group date would have “sucked” and if she were on the group date she might not get the rose. Then she rolls her eyes in irritation with herself and says,”that would just be stupid, I always do [get the rose].” Oh Nikki, you are just such a sweet person – I can see why that snotty attitude and conceitedness would translate so well with children.
At the group date, Chelsie says she’s having a really romantic date with Allie, her boat partner. She’s less enthused about Juan Pablo and Clare’s date. After the boating trip, the group wanders around and Juan Pablo pretends to approach a total stranger and ask for food. Whatever ABC.
Andi is still throwing a tantrum. She starts with her favorite word, “honestly,” and tells Juan Pablo she’s just tired of group dates (has anyone else notice her affinity for the word honestly? I mean, honestly!) He says “trust me,” and she feels totally fine after that. After the girls are done in the fields, they eat. Clare pretends to eat because she doesn’t eat anything but fro-yo. Kidding. I am sure she also drinks Starbucks. Clare decides she doesn’t care if the girls hate her ’cause she’s just being Miley Clare.
At the after party, Juan Pablo toasts to an amaccc-ing date. They all have the most fun tropical drinks I’ve ever seen. Andi’s has an entire apple on top (I think that’s an apple?) As soon as the toast is out of the way, JP decides it’s appropriate to continue his one-on-one date with Clare. He takes her away to his private room for some sexy swimming time while the rest of his “dates” or “girl friends” wait for him. That’s not disrespectful at all. Oh and again, what a great example for Cameeeela. Perv. When Juan Pablo finally pulls his tongue out of Clare’s mouth, he decides he better spend some time with some of the other girls. That means making out with Sharleen and Andi in quick succession. Como se dice “disgusting?” Perverto. Sharleen says the word organic again. I still don’t know what that means. I do know that I switched to organic milk this week and am totally in love. Maybe that’s what she means?
Just when I thought organic was the weirdest way to describe a relationship, she came up with this doozy, “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.” Um. Ok. That means so many things such as 1) you want to stand out/ be unique 2) you think pandas are the cutest kind of bear (not so) 3) you like bamboo and China or 4) you are really hairy.
Group date rose goes to Clare. Andi is mad. “In all honesty,” she really thought she’d get the rose. Listen, Andi, in all honesty, I will always assume you are being honest until proven otherwise. So honestly, you can stop saying honestly now. Honestly.
When the group date is over, Clare fakes going to bed to instead fulfill a life-long bucket list goal of swimming in the ocean. Well, Clare. I’d like to call BS on that. You know, since you are from California and all that. To use a line from Andi, honestly. What you really meant was you’d like to fulfill a lifelong goal of having sex with Juan Pablo in the ocean in Vietnam. That’s a more accurate goal description. Is it weird that my bucket list goals are so much bigger than that? Like writing a novel?
At 4:00 AM, Clare rings the bell at Juan Pablo’s house and invites him to take a dip in the ocean. But by dip, she means sex. They run into the ocean. Clare tells the confession cam, “it was like heaven on earth.” Juan Pablo says Clare was on fire. Then he says fire like 7 times in Spanish. “The waves were wild, and we got a little wild ourselves,” Juan Pablo confessed. Clare said, “we just went for it, and I don’t regret it. Pure bliss. In every way.” I know this show is all about editing. But come on. These two totally had sex. In the ocean. At 4 AM. Nobody describes jumping in the ocean (especially someone who lives in a state on the ocean) as “pure bliss, in every way.” In her post-coital haze, Clare proclaims “hands down one of the best nights of my entire life. We all deserve to feel that amazing, amazing feeling.” Then she says something about being a giraffe and having wobbly legs.
Second One-on-One Date: Nurse Nikki
Talk about sloppy seconds. For the date, Nurse Nikki decides to steal a look from the Free Spirit and wear a headband across her forehead. She also borrows some shorts from Chris Harrison’s 11 year old daughter. Truthfully, if I were 97 lbs and didn’t have cellulite, I’d wear clothes from the Limited Too too. I’m actually not sure where 13 year old girls shop anymore. Abercrombie?
Nurse Nikki and Juan Pablo meet up and Nurse Nikki once again fails to make eye contact while she talks to Juan Pablo. Juan Pablo takes Nurse Nikki to a cave into which they will repel. She has anxiety, he calms her, she says this is just like falling in love, blah blah blah. Same story, different venue. Nikki finally understands Plato’s Allegory of the Cave and vows to reread the Republic. Actually she vows to read it for the first time ever because she remembered that due to a Phi Cappa Cappa toga party, she just couldn’t get to it.
All I can think about is this sad Zoloft commercial that used to make my roommate and me cry over in college. It was this poor little lonely egg trapped in a cave! Maybe we needed some Zoloft…
When Nurse Nikki and Juan Pablo are out of the cave they head to dinner. Unfortunately Nikki forgot pants but decided her yoga tank top would make a nice dress. She realizes she’s one sneeze away from showing Juan Pablo her…well, you know what…but she realizes it’s worth it if she’s ever going to find a husband. Drastic times call for drastic measures.
Juan Pablo tells Nikki he is tired because he didn’t get much sleep last night. Ugh. I bet you are.
Nikki says she is not a morning person and that “not everybody is sunshine and rainbows all the time.” I KNOW you aren’t….
Is this chick too young for Rainbow Brite? She was definitely all sunshine and rainbows all the time. Rose for Nurse Nikki.
The girls gather on couches under some colorful lanterns and wait for Clare’s boyfriend to arrive. When he does, he drops a bomb on them – 3 people are headed home tonight. The girls sit in awkward silence but Clare, still feeling blissful, proposes a toast: “cheers to finding love, being loved, and making love.” Clare giggles, the girls glare, and Juan Pablo starts to sweat. He needs to talk to Clare soon to find out if she was able to track down some Plan B. He’s seriously worried about this being a reality:
But before that happens, Juan Pablo and Renee finally kiss. Renee was as excited as a little school girl. It was pretty cute. I wonder how that kiss would feel knowing he just had sex with someone else?
Juan Pablo pulls a Mesnick over the balcony while he agonizes over his Clare tryst. He finds Clare and asks if anyone knows about what happened. Clare says no. Juan Pablo puts on an “I’m an asshole” shirt and tells Clare that their little love affair was “a little weird for me.” He tells her it wasn’t right because he is trying to get to know everyone carnally and he needs to be fair. He tells her it’s about fairness 10 times and when that doesn’t work with Clare, he pulls out his daughter card.
JP: I have a daughter. I don’t want her to see what happened. I don’t want her to see that you tricked me into the ocean and took advantage of me. I was not a willing participant in your charade because your sexual prowess overcame me. You are a terrible example for my kid. What’s her name? Whatever. This is all your fault.
Clare: [looks away, starts to cry, shakes head]
JP: Look at me. HEY. Look at me! Listen to me!
Clare: I feel stupid and embarrassed.
JP: I’ll never tell you anything else again since you’re crying now.
Clare goes back to the cocktail party and her feelings are hurt (umm rightfully so Clare). I officially hate Juan Pablo. What a total !#!(*@(#*@&#@(* (insert your desired expletive). What sort of person willfully jumps into the ocean with someone, presumably has sex with said person, and then tells them they can’t put them in that position again. As though she took advantage of him? And now he’s trying to make her feel like a slut? Unbelievable. Hey Juan Pablo, want to be a good example for Cammmeeeeeeeeela? Don’t use women and then make THEM feel bad about it. Or better yet, don’t be on this show.
Danielle, Dog Lover, and Alli all leave the show rose-less and STD-less. Lucky ladies. Sharleen sobs over the departure of one of these ladies. Are you SURE you’re into Juan Pablo and his kind, Sharleen?
So, what do you guys think? Did they or didn’t they? Weigh in!
It’s taking me an abnormally long time to write about infinity scarves and sex in the ocean. As soon as I sort through Clare and Juan Pablo’s grown sexy encounter, I’ll report back. In the mean time, would you rather be a baby giraffe or a panda?
Also, who knew this was a foreshadow of Clare and Juan Pablo’s relationship in 9 months?
I don’t know about you but I’m feeling pretty darn grown sexy today. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, consider yourself lucky. But back to Juan Pablo, who is desperately hoping to find the light to his bug…
Like every good Bachelor love story, the journey aventura to find love, requires a journey– literally. The remaining 13 never gonna happen potential step-mothers travel to Seoul, South Korea. I can only hope that 90% of these chicks end up lost and on the wrong side of the DMZ. Could you imagine any of these people sentenced to hard labor in North Korea? I don’t even think Kim Jong Un would want them.
When the girls find out they are headed to SK, they all shriek and scream and Sharleen displays emotion for the first time EVER. Is it weird that mentioning South Korea made the girls far more excited than any mention of Juan Pablo?
Clare is totally overjoyed with the prospect of the trip but is really bummed that she “doesn’t even have a kimono!” You know, the traditional Japanese garment? Listen Clare, I know you probably aren’t headed to a career with the State Department but come on. Put the peroxide down.
You know what would be an actual test of a relationship? Traveling the way the rest of us do. Flying in coach (which always reminds me of the 3rd class of Titanic), staying in gross hotels (like the time my bed smelled like vomit but my mom didn’t believe me and told me to go to sleep only to discover hours later that there was, in fact, vomit all over the bed. Thanks for that one mom), eating on the cheap, getting totally lost, and hating your travel companion. That’s the real deal. I could fall in love with a door knob if I got to travel with ABC footing the bill and making the arrangements. Even without a kimono!
The girls land in KOREA with more stuff than I own in my entire apartment. Was anyone else hoping they’d play the MASH theme song when they landed? Probably just my family.
First Group Date: Blondes Only Please (and one token brunette)
Nurse Nikki is irritated that she has to go on a group date. She’s doesn’t have sisters and so she’s not used to sharing her boyfriend. She has a strange idea of what it’s like to have sisters. I have a whole bunch of them and we’ve never had to share boyfriends. I guess I’ll consider myself lucky. JP borrows an extra pair of the girls’ capri length yoga pants for the date. All the other girls pick out their best LuLu yoga pants to match and meet Juan Pabs at a Korean entertainment studio, home of K-Pop. That’s actually sort of a perfect nickname for myself. I think I’ll start calling myself that. But really, I have no idea what K-Pop is. I’m assuming it stands for Korean Pop? Oppa Gangnam Style. The girls will be dancing with Korean’s most famous K-Pop group, 2NE1 (21). I guess I thought that guy who gave us that super annoying song I just referenced was the most famous K-Pop group, but I stand corrected. None of the girls have any idea who 2NE1 is but they are all excited when Juan Pablo references the Spice Girls.
Kat starts dancing wildly while singing to Juan Pablo, “yo, I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really really want….” Nurse Nikki cannot stand sharing her boyfriend and yells at Kat to stop monopolizing JP with her lame Spice Girls rendition. (Most of these girls are probably too young to even appreciate the amazingness of the Spice Girls. My 6th grade besties and I had the BEST dance to Wannabe).
The main girl from 2NE1 tells the girls they are going to teach them some of their correography moves. Did anyone else think she looked and sounded exactly like Snooki? I think this group is secretly from Jersey. Kat, who has been dancing since before she could walk, is thrilled with this date. She uses the opportunity to showcase her cheerleader moves, hip-hop and jazz all at once. Yay for high-kicks! Nikki does her best “sprinkler,” and vows not to “pout” and “throw a giant fit” like she kind of wants to. Way to be mature about this Nurse Nikki. The girls learn some dance moves, Kat dances her k-pop butt off, Nikki glares at her and rolls her eyes, and the ex-NFL dancer Cassandra demonstrates why she’s an “ex” NFL dancer. Seriously, shouldn’t she be a great dancer? I don’t understand! In a SHOCKING twist, the girls find out they will be joining 2NE1 on stage as “backup dancers” at the local mall where 150,000 screaming prepubescent teenagers will be screaming for One Direction 2NE1. More Nikki glaring, more Kat dancing.
At the after party, Nurse Nikky continues to be a Negative Nancy, saying that Kat acts one way when the cameras aren’t around and then says, “who wants some guacamole,” when the cameras are around. I’m not totally sure what that means. You’d have to see the clip. Nikki is starting to annoy me. Is it editing? Or is she just kind of snotty? She calls Kat fake and says nobody can be that “on” all the time. Well, if you are naturally a debbie downer, that’s true -you cannot comprehend happiness. Nikki uses her alone time to whine to JP and proves again that whining works. She tells the camera, “this isn’t a game for me.” Oh, taking a line from AshLee! This isn’t just some silly little game! Rose for Nikki.
Second Date: Sharleen, Are You My Seoul Mate?
The answer to that is a resounding NO. Sharleen puts on her puffiest pair of shorts and a pair of black sheer nylons and declares herself ready to explore Seoul — the city and JP’s. They eat some exotic food and then head to a tea-house for some unenthusiastic conversation. It was like this:
Sharleen: [monotone] I have the most random degree in music.
JP: That’s ok, it’s what you do for a living. I can’t wait to hear you sing.
Sharleen: [monotone] You are kinda cheeky. It makes you interesting. And Not. Bland.*
Sharleen: [monotone] It means you aren’t devoid of flavor. Learn English. UGH.
Sharleen: [even more monotone] You are not bland. And that is a very good thing (uttered in the most uninterested way possible).
*Footnote: I believe the psychological term for this is projecting, because Sharleen is in fact, insanely bland. Plain white rice has more flavor than Sharleen.
After tea, JP takes Sharleen to some empty square so Sharleen can sing a few lines from The Little Mermaid. Sharleen proclaims she NEVER does this on a first date. EVER. But for him, she does it. Then they do their awkward make-out thing. They head to dinner where basically Sharleen says she doesn’t like children, including his. For some reason she still gets the rose. Cold fish.
Third Date: Korean Karaoke, Fishy Feet and Brunettes Only (one token blonde)
How the heck is the dog-lover still on this show? Geesh. The first stop is to sing a little Korean karaoke. The girls yell and giggle, it’s just like, so much fun. Next JP takes the girls to a place called Dr. Fish where the fish eat the dead skin off their feet. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, is all I heard for the next 5 minutes of this date. So much shrillness. Then they wander the streets of Seoul and eat exotic foods. Clare fakes repulsion and finally agrees to eat a piece of octopus before fake gagging. Kelly, the dog lover, is annoyed, “her piece was literally this big (holding fingers together to demonstrate size), and I know you’ve swallowed bigger things than that.” Oh snap.
When darkness falls, the girls head to a cocktail party with Juan Paul. JP pulls Renee aside first for some one-on-one time. Renee tells the camera that she hasn’t had the opportunity to kiss him yet, but she’s hoping tonight’s the night (in the word’s of Rod Stewart). Renee asks Juan Pablo what Cameeeela would think if she saw her kiss him? Juan Pablo deflects and asks what her son would think? Then he tells her he needs to set a good example for Cameeeeela. He tells the camera he’s already kissed six (6) girls so far and so he better stop locking lips with everyone who asks. You know what doesn’t seem like a good example (well besides being on this show to begin with and running around kissing 6 people), using your child as the excuse when really, you’re just not into Renee. He tells Renee he’s not in a hurry and let’s her down gently. Renee respects him but compares not kissing Juan Pablo to being waterboarded. She actually said “torture,” so I used the opportunity to insert a form of recognized torture.
As the girls sit around talking about kissing Juan Pablo, the seed is planted in Lauren’s mind that maybe it’s time to try to kiss him too. Lauren pulls him aside and asks him to dance with her. Considering he’s told the camera 27 times that his future wife needs to enjoy dancing, you’d think she’d be speaking his language (finally). But he’s just not into it. In her best Spanish she asks him for a kiss, to which he replies, “sorry.” Oh man. My heart sank for her. And my rage against him grew. She asks why? And he said, “I have a daughter, and I don’t want her to see Daddy kissing a bunch of other girls.” Um. I’m sorry. Did I hear that correctly? You don’t want her to see you kissing a bunch of people, even though you’ve ALREADY KISSED SIX? How dumb do you think Lauren is? She knows you’ve kissed all those people, you stupido. The rejection was palpable. What I really hate about this is that she was really vulnerable and his rejection of her was cruel. He can kiss whomever he wants but you can’t tell her you don’t want to kiss her because of Cameeeeela. As we see 15 seconds later while you chew on Clare’s bottom lip, Cameeeeeela isn’t going to stop you from kissing anyone.
For the record, here’s who JP has kissed on camera:
Not Lauren or Renee
Rose for Andi. Rejection for Lauren. Poor thing. You’re too normal for this nonsense anyway.
Monotone Sharleen is very happy to have a rose tonight. Even if her voice doesn’t register emotion, she’s still very happy. Nikki borrows a dress from her 14 year old sister and asks the dog lover to sew her into it. She says that just because she has the rose does not mean she’s forgoing her time with Juan Pablo tonight. It’s her time to be selfish, gosh darn it. During the one-on-one time Nikki becomes paranoid that Juan Pablo is hinting at drama in the house. Nikki declares war on Clare who was just talking to Juan Pablo before Nikki interrupted. Nikki tells the Dog-lover about her conversation with Juan Pablo and her theory that Clare is bad-mouthing her . Dog-lover uses the opportunity to stir the pot when Clare sits down with her and Nikki.
Dog Lover: Umm, I feel really awkward.
Dog Lover: Because Nikki says that you hate her.
Dog Lover: You told Juan Pablo that Nikki is causing drama in the house. I feel super awkward sitting between you guys because it is like, really tense. And I didn’t even cause any of this drama. I’m just a dog-lover.
Clare: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Dog Lover: So tense.
Clare: Ok whatever. Juan Pablo and I just make out when we’re together. We never talk.
Dog lover is a real female dog, if you know what I mean. Why is she still ON this show?
When the roses are handed out, Lauren and Elise are left empty handed. How amazing was Juan Pablo’s lip-syncing to K-Pop at the end of the night? It was the most I’ve ever liked him.
Can someone please wake me up when it’s hometown dates? Because I just fell asleep. What a snooze fest! Is Juan Pablo the most boring bachelor in the history of bachelors? I think I’d have a more interesting time watching paint dry. Or watching the grass grow. Or rewatching Jake Pavelka’s season. But for you, my hopefully equally judgmental loyal readers, I will persevere and give you what you came here for: snark and sarcasm (are those the same things?) Remind me to research that.
It’s week three at El Grande Casa (does that roughly translate into mansion in Spanish? I haven’t a clue; I took German. If anyone is interested, mansion in German is villa, which is oddly disappointing for a German word. I think it should be more like großhaus, which translates to big house.) Wow, I have deviated majorly off course! Anyway, half the girls are bummed their “boyfriend” is dating “25 other girls,” half the girls really hope a modeling agency is watching the show, and another half of the girls is convinced Juan Pablo is “the one.” I realize that three halves is more than a whole but I’m a lawyer, not a mathematician. In sum, the show is as predictable as Miley Cyrus’ tongue sticking out in every photo. She’s just bein’ Miley. So what happened this week? Well there were two one-on-one dates, a group date, an impromptu breakfast/ pool party, crying, and a wholeeeee bunch of awkwardness. This week I’m focusing on the top five most awkward moments in order from least awkward (level of awkwardness example: I’d rather run into someone who took me on the world’s worst date than re-watch what just happened) to most awkward (level of awkwardness example: I’d rather have to seek a paternity test from three people than re-watch what just happened. Just so the record is clear, that statement was for shock purposes only. I’d actually consider flinging myself off a bridge if that were my life. The point is, that’s pretttty awkward yet less awkward than the MOST awkward thing that happened last night. Confusing much?) So without further ado:
5. Cassandra’s Last Date
Cassandra received the first one-on-one date with Juan Pablo. Juan Pablo says he won’t waste her time if he knows he doesn’t “feel it” because she has a bambino. He’s totally fine wasting everyone else’s time though. Cassandra is thrilled because she tells us 15 times that she hasn’t been on a date in 3 years. Just for your recollection, Cassandra is 21. Yes, you read that correct- 21 years old. Like not old enough to rent a car . And she has a two year old. So her last date was when she was 18. 18! The first year she could legally vote for a president. She was also probably still in high school. I can only assume her baby daddy is the last date she had. Apparently that was a verrrrrry good date. Awkward.
Besides the awkwardness that ensues when Cassandra reminds us she was only 18 years old three years ago, I did have slight date envy (if I could pick my own date- not Juan Pablo). How fun was that water-car?! Or a “Wisconsin duck,” as they call it where I come from. Anyone who has been to the Wisconsin Dells knows what I’m talking about. Hey, maybe they should travel to the Dells! Plenty of bikini wearing opportunities. Cassandra giggles a ton and in between giggles declares this the best date ever. Any date that involves creepy crotch grinding disguised as “salsa” with a stranger is usually the best date ever. Amirite? (Mom, that’s internet lingo for “am I right.”) Oh my gosh. And did you see her PANTS?! That’s awkward just on their own. Did she paint them on? Is it body paint?
Rose for Cassandra, baby Trey, and those tight tight pants. This is awkward too:
That must have been right after her last date!
4. Kelly’s Make-Up
We knew it was only a matter of time before ABC incorporated a soccer date into the show. Juan Pablo and his “ladies” head to the LA Galaxy stadium for a friendly game of soccer. And you know what I always find necessary for a good game of soccer? Make up. And lots of it. Like a clown. Or a drag-queen.
Kelly tells the camera, “This sucks, I mean do I look athletic at all? And those balls hurt.” No Kell, you definitely don’t look athletic. You look like you’re ready to enter the Key West 11:00 PM drag-queen show.
Obviously make up is Miss Kelly’s thang. Later in the episode, Juanny stops by the mansion to cook the girls breakfast, hoping to see them in their “natural” states. Much to Kelly’s horror, she encounters Juan Pablo before she had time to “put on her face.” Her clown face I guess. Kelly, you actually looked MUCH cuter in your glasses and PJs than with the make-up caked on.
3. Elise Calls Chelsie a Little Girl 10000 times
Elise is convinced she will get the second one-on-one date with JP because she’s a woman, not a little girl. The date card finally arrives and Elise is ecstatic that it’s finally her time for a date. She envisions the perfect night ahead when all the sudden her dream is interrupted by the name “Chelsie.” Elise’s jaw drops. She quickly closes it when she realizes the ABC camera is zoomed in on her face. She tells the camera everything went blank. She says, “I’m just not sure she’s [Chelsie] ready to be a step-mom. She seems like a baby to me.” Then she takes it a step further saying, “I don’t know if having another daughter is what he wants.”
Oh man, Elise. You are pretty annoying. You know what is not mature, wifely or motherly? Constantly calling someone a little girl. The only one who seems to fit that description right now is you! Jealous much? Shesh. And also, Juan Pablo might actually want another daughter.
The Little Girl Chelsie leaves for her date and Elise searches the mansion for anyone willing to listen to her little girl theory. She finds, Cassandra, the 21 year old. The youngest girl in the house. We hear the same spiel again and it goes something like this:
Elise: Chelsie is such an effing little girl. She’s just so young!!
Cassandra: I know, she is young, huh?
Elise: Yes, she’s like 25. She can’t be a Mother. Or a wife.
Cassandra: Oh, but I’m younger than Chelsie. I’m 21 AND a Mother.
Elise: Yeah, but you look old.
4. Juan Pablo Induces an Anxiety Attack and Doesn’t Even Care
The Little Girl, Chelsie, gets the second juan-on-juan date. Juan Pablo explains that in a relationship trust is very important and he wants to see if she trusts him. And because ABC loves to exploit people’s fears, JP takes Chelsie to a bridge to jump off.
Suddenly I feel like the little girl. Whenever I did something moderately stupid (probably really stupid) and when pressed for an explanation for my behavior, I’d often whine, “but everyone was doing it!” My mom would get mad and yell, “oh so if all your friends jumped off a bridge, you would too?” I’m sure every kid was asked that by their parents at some point in their life. [crickets chirping]. No? Just me? Well I’ve since learned not jump off bridges, proverbial or otherwise, just because everyone else is doing it.
And I wish Chelsie’s mom would have asked her that question too. As C & JP perch on the bridge’s ledge, Chelsie begins to shake and cry. I am worried she might faint. This is seriously what a panic attack looks like. Somebody lay her down and get her feet in the air! But instead of telling Chelsie she doesn’t have to jump off the bridge if it’s causing her this much anxiety, he says to her “just do it for me.” And he tells her to trust him.
Trust you? Um that doesn’t even make sense. The only things to trust are the bungee cord and the safety harness. How is a tandem jump a trust exercise? Juan Pablo cannot control Chelsie plummeting to her death. And also, I’d rather not plummet to my death strapped to a total stranger. And you know what else I don’t want to do? Go on a date that causes me an anxiety attack and when I tell my date this he says, “do it any way.” Um no thanks! Come si dice, “a-hole?” Only after Chelsie is moments away from fainting does Juan Pablo tell her she doesn’t have to do it if she doesn’t really want to. Suddenly, Chelsie has a change of heart and leaps off. I can only assume ABC stopped by with some xanax. Or body doubles.
Rose for trusting Chels. I know that together Chelsie and Juan Pablo can overcome anything now. Cue the groans.
And the most AWKWARD thing that happened this week that made me actually hide underneath my blanket begging for it to stop was…
5. Sharleen’s God-awful Kiss
After the soccer date, JP leads Sharleen down to the soccer field for some juan-on-juan time. Shar tells the camera, in the most monotone voice EVER that she’s nervous because “there’s just some chemistry there that you don’t find every day.” Weird. Two weeks ago you said you didn’t feel anything and didn’t think you should accept the rose. You thought there would be more “insta-chemistry.” Make up your mind. For the record, I was also not very good at chemistry. Elements are so hard!
Shar and JP sit down on a blanket and Shar tells JP she’s been thinking about the time they have and “how organic it feels.” I seriously have no idea what that means. Free of hormones? No GMOs? Natural?
PS – that’s an awesome song. Anyway, the next thing that happened will be etched in my brain forever. It’s like living through a traumatic moment and replaying it over and over and over again. JP leans in to kiss Sharleen. She leans away from him, licks her lips, then attacks him with her tongue. I don’t even know what I just watched. Juan Pablo doesn’t know what just happened either but he suddenly feels like he’s 15 again but not in a good way. He abruptly ends the kiss. Sharleen asks for a re-do after she says she’s “still trying to figure it out.” Kissing? Come on Sharleen. You’re too old to be trying to “figure it out.” Icky. Round two was just as awful and gross. Her mouth was disgustingly open while his was closed. It was just so cringe-worthy.
Kelly, the dog lover, gives Sharlene this meme to make her feel better:
At the rose ceremony JP said goodbye to Free Spirit and Christy (who nobody remembered). Let’s hope next week I don’t have to hide behind my blanket quite so many times. What did you find awkward? Does anyone else think Sharleen needs to go? Something just ain’t right with that sista.
It’s week two at the mansh, amigos! That means El Guapo (who LOVED the Three Amigos growing up and was stunned to learn “el guapo” means “handsome one” in Spanish? This girl!) is one week closer to finding a new mama for Cameeeela. And that prospective new mommy is one step closer to becoming the next Bachelorette. What tactics will be employed to try to land Mr. Pablo? Full frontal nudity? Check. Tiny bikinis? Check. Straddling? Check. Teenage motherhood? Check.
Clare offers to frost Juan Pablo’s tips at no cost for the duration of the Bachelor in exchange for the first date. He agrees with this arrangement; his hair isn’t going to dye itself. JP arrives at La Casa Bach to pick up Clare in his ABC issued car. Not nearly as cool as Des’ adorable aqua Bentley – are you slipping ABC?
Juan walks into the living room where 18 vultures women stalk their prey greet him. They are almost all holding wine glasses but I assume they took turns taking tequila shots off of the Free Spirit’s stomach before JP arrived. Clare puts on her best Amelia Earhart coat (in LA, in the summer) and they head out on their date.
I heard aviation is huge this fashion season. Instead of goggles, Juan decides it’s necessary to blindfold Clare during the car ride. Clare instantly starts referencing 50 Shades of Gray and confesses to the camera she always hoped JP would be a little bit like Christian Gray. JP says that as a Latin Lover he gives lots of surprises, which in this case included making poor Clare motion sick. Not quite the blindfold experience she had in mind. Despite Clare having to throw up out the window, Clare proclaims JP smells so good, “like Heaven in a bottle.” But I suppose compared to vomit, he probably does smell pretty good.
To my surprise, Juan Pablo drives Clare all the way to Minnesota. Now I’m really glad I’m not on this stupid show. If I had flown all the way to LA and was taken to some fake snow scene, I think I would have freaked out. I would have demanded an island date immediately. But alas, the couple was actually still in LA. They borrowed Hugh Hefner’s snow machine to create a winter wonderland (I may have seen an episode or two of the Girls Next Door to know that Hugh does in fact have a snow machine). But Clare-bear is less cynical about cold than I am and she giggles like a school girl the entire time. Seriously, it was nothing but “he-he-he-he-he-he-he,” for the entire date.
Meanwhile, back at La Casa Bach, Lucy is heating things up by soaking topless in the hot tub. She decides it’s a good time to tell the girls about her bra burning rally she has planned next week on the driveway. All Bachelor contestants, past and present, are encouraged to participate. Swimsuit tops are an acceptable item to burn too.
Back at the date Clare says this fairy-tale date is the best ever and it’s just fab. She’s ready to marry Juan Pablo. Clare turns the conversation serious and tells JP about her Father dying. Pabs offers no condolences at ALL. Apparently his heart is too frozen from the fake snow. Rose for Clare. Clare takes that as in invitation to start aggressively making out with Juanny in the hot tub. First hot tub make out of the season! And because this show is stupidly predictable, a private concert suddenly starts with some unknown dude. Ugh. Clare declares this the best date she’s ever had. She should just move to Minneapolis – every date involves snow Clare, starting with first pushing your car and a stranger’s out of the snow!
The second one-on-one date goes to Kat, with the world’s cutest dimples. This date is so stupid I almost don’t want to write about it. I think it’s officially the worse date in Bachelor history – I’d rather watch them do a stupid play in a park than see another date like this. That’s sayin’ something because I HATE the play dates! The date starts out promising on ABC’s private jet. Until Juan P appears in some ugly neon light-up tracksuit midway through the flight. Kat is contractually obligated to put on some equally obnoxious light-up clothes and the plane lands in… Utah. He took her to the “Electric Run, ” which looks like the most annoying race on the planet (in case you are wondering, it’s $55.00 a person – to run 3.2 miles- dressed in neon). The couple joins a giant mass of people all dressed up in neon and glow-things. JP proceeds to jump around and scream like an annoying frat boy. I never saw any actual running but apparently they did and at the conclusion of the “race,” Juan and Kat take the stage for more jumping and yelling. What a date. I can’t believe I’m saying this (especially because I’m actually a runner) but I’d rather be on the fake Minnesota date. Rose for Kat even though they never exchanged any words to each other.
Back at La Casa, the girls receive the third date card, which is a group date. Lucy worries how she will get JP’s attention if she can’t flash him on the date. I’m not sure Lucy makes the best hippy – a true bra burning hippy would never want JP to see her only as a sex object. The girls put on their shortest dresses possible and join Juan Pablo on a date to shoot a photo campaign with dogs. The creative director gives Lucy a fire-hydrant to wear for the shoot. And then, in the lowest move by ABC in a long time, Andi and Elise, the only two people with legitimate careers, are told they will be posing nude for the shoot. The first grade teacher and the attorney. Nude. Nada.
Elise resourcefully asks Lucy to trade “outfits.” Lucy is thrilled to be nude. Smart move Elise, smart move. Meanwhile, Andi feels panicked at the thought of posing nude since you know, she puts people in jail for a living. But Juan Pablo tells her to “trust him,” and with those two words, Andi throws her career out the window. Who needs a JOB when you have 5 minutes of fame?! Also, I would love to be in a negotiation with Andi – she seems willing to cave very very easily.
I am majorly questioning Andi’s judgment. She just spend years and thousands of dollars on her education and she is willing to potentially jeopardize her entire career for this? A photo shoot week two of the Bachelor? Seriously? I object! Oh and Andi, do you really want to date a guy who makes you do stuff on a date that you are not comfortable with? I don’t! I want my date to respect my boundaries, but that’s just me. I’m sure everyone in the courtroom will take you seriously now that this is out there:
Oh the little black privacy box of shame. After the shoot, the group heads to an LA hotel rooftop bar. Victoria decides it’s best to get an IV of alcohol because drinking the regular way always takes so long. Cassandra nervously decides it’s time to tell Juan Pablo, the single dad, that she is a single mother. Cassandra is very worried what JP will think. Obviously it’s ok to be a single dad but not a single mother! The horrors. Or maybe she’s worried about what Juan Pablo will think knowing she’s only 21 (yes, 21! AH!) and has an almost-two year old that she abandoned to come chase around some random dude. Who cares about mother-child bonding when you’ve got Juan Pablo.
Back at the rooftop, Victoria starts slurring her words, “this is how I emmmm sobberrr.” Drunk people always love to proclaim, “I’m not drunk!” as they fall down. Getting defensive, Victoria tells the girls, “I’m just fun. Sober.” In the least sober voice ever. I can practically smell the booze through my computer screen. In the confession cam, Victoria delivers the best line in Bachelor history, “if Juan Pablo is mine, I’m going to straddle him every dayyyyyy…cuz that’s what life is about – straddling people. And things.” Amazing Victoria, amazing. Could I get that printed on an inspirational magnet? Case in point:
Sadly due to an epic drunken breakdown in the bathroom, this is Vicky’s only chance to straddle JP. But before the bathroom breakdown, Vicky sits alone in the rooftop hot tub and says that during the photo shoot, she gave JP the “hymen maneuver,” and thus deserves a rose. Yes, you read that correctly (unless Vicky really did MEAN hymen maneuver and it’s just some new sex move?) But then she says it again. Oh Vicky. Oh Vicky, Vicky, Vicky. Mr. Heimlich himself probably needs a hymen maneuver after this. But Vicky’s gems don’t stop there. She asks the camera, “whose legs do I have to hump around here to get some one-on-one time, huh?” Well since you asked, I’d start with Chris Harrison!
When her system literally cannot handle it any more, Victoria runs to the bathroom to throw up cry. Sweet Renee comforts hysterical, drunk Victoria. Victoria declares she is DONE and wants to go home. She exits the bathroom and tells the producers she is leaving. They tell her she can’t leave without shoes and for her safety, she can’t leave. Victoria throws up on a producer and they offer her some champagne to get the vomit taste out of her mouth. Victoria is given a hotel room to pass out in for the night. Kelly, the dog lover, gets the rose– apparently for no other reason than she looked awful during the photo shoot:
The next day, Juan Pablo stops by the hotel to tell Victoria no amount of leg humping will get her one-on-one time anymore. Victoria says, “I guess I should apologize for setting off the crazy train. Welcome to Brazil!” I’m sure all Brazilian women really appreciate being lumped in with you, crazy train. You seem like you’d make an outstanding step-mother for Cameeeeeeeeeela. Sorry Vicky but your sad sorry just won’t cut it. Time to find someone else or thing to straddle.
At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Juan Pablo pulls Amy L. aside for some one-on-one time. What happens next will scar me for life. Amy L. conducts a mock interview with Juan Pablo that leaves the audience stunned that some news network actually pays her to do this. Seriously, she needs a new career. It was so amateur – I felt like I was watching a 12-year-old version of myself. And trust me, that’s just embarrassing. I know a news station in northern Wisconsin that would be perfect for Amy. This is Kate reporting live from the Bachelor rose ceremony, where Amy L. was just sent home without a rose. Throwing it back to the studio!
No rose for you either Chantel. But unlike Victoria and Amy, you left with your dignity intact, so for that reason, you are a winner.
You guys! It’s Juan-juary! And I have breaking Bachelor news. I’m dating Juan Pablo. And I have been for years. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Juan Pablo and me:
No? Not the Juan Pablo you were expecting? Technically he goes by John Paul, but for the next three months, he’ll be Juan Pablo to me.
So, back to that other Juan Pablo. We’ve endured months and months waiting for shirtless shots of Juan working out on the beach Juan to meet what I can only assume will be the next Bachelorette his future wife and step-mother to his daughter, Cameeeeeeeeela. My life feels so empty and meaningless when the Bachelor isn’t on TV. During those dark months I never see enough tanned, shirtless, muscled men. And I certainly never see any in the shower. I also miss the comforting words of Chris Harrison, like “journey to find true love,” and “tonight, on the Bachelor,” and “the most dramatic rose ceremony in Bachelor history,” and “Emily, will you accept this rose?” “please, take a moment and say your goodbyes.” But what I miss the most are the girls who teach me so much, such as “this isn’t just some silly little game,” and always ALWAYS keep your sparkle. So without further ado, it’s finally time to embark on Juan Pablo’s aventura (that’s adventure in Spanish, mom).
Because Juan’s body heats up even the coldest Minnesota winters, the Almighty Chris Harrison deemed it necessary for Juan to have 27 caliente bachelorettes to choose from rather than the standard 25 (only the unattractive bachelors need 25 to pick from, duh). And it seems that Juan thinks the best step-mother for Cameeeeeeeela must have the following description:
Bottled blonde hair (red heads need not apply)
Large breasts (fake or natural, juan-derful either way)
Age 26 (seriously, I calculated the mean. I’m officially too old for that Juan)
Must love empanadas (I don’t know what that is exactly, but I’d love it for you Jaun)
Wears shoes (finally, I meet a criteria!)
Some of our Latin lover’s bachelorettes fall flat. But some of them turn up the heat. And because most of the girls looked like they were dressed like their high school prom, here are some superlative awards (you know, high school graduation style) given to the most memorable ladies:
Most Likely to Have Foot Fungus:
And the award goes to…Lucy!
As an occupation, Lucy works as a “free loader spirit,” and free spirits don’t wear shoes! Or make-up. Or clothes. Or, I can only assume, a paying job. Let your freak flag fly, Lucy. Just make sure you get yourself a good bottle of anti-fungal medication. Lucy sings “be sure to wear some flowers in your hair,” while she twirls in a bed-sheet and sashays towards Juan– barefoot of course. Juan thinks that Lucy might be a good playmate for Cameeeeela. Rose for Lucy.
Side Note: One of the girl’s occupations is listed as “dog lover.” I might be mistaken, but I always thought occupation meant how do you make a living? Dog loving does not a paycheck make, unless that’s just a cute title for veterinarian.
Most Likely to Be Voted Prom Queen:
Ladies and maybe one gentleman, we have a tie! First is Christy from Illinois:
That’s prom-tastic. Rose for Christy’s junior prom dress. Second is Kylie, also from Illinois:
Maybe Kylie and Christy shopped together for their prom dresses at Deb or David’s Bridal. Kylie reminded me of a real-life, adult version of Ariel (just with less natural red-hair and awful pink lipstick and matching nails):
Ariel Kylie sang “Part of Your World,” to Juan but Juan Pablo absolutely wanted her to stay underwater. No legs rose, for you Kylie…not even when you thought Juan Pablo called your name during the rose ceremony. Ouch.
Most Likely To Feel Comfortable Using Legal Jargon Every Day:
And the verdict is… Andi!
WHEREAS petitioner seeks to enter into a contractual marital agreement with Juan Pablo (“the Bachelor”) pursuant to ABC Stat. 7:00(c)(18)(6), herein called the “Contract.” Said Contract shall be executed on or about but not later than 6 (six) weeks from the juncture of petitioner and the Bachelor’s limo meeting. WHEREAS petitioner and the Bachelor (“the parties”) shall be liable for any breach of said contract. A breach of said contract includes but is not limited to failing to consummate the relationship on or about fantasy suite date night. Further affiant sayeth naught. Jury’s still out for Andi but Juan Pablo is willing to have the ABC attorneys look over Andi’s proposed contract. (I realize that a prosecutor would never write a contract or anything of this nature…but the alternative was making jokes about illegal pat-downs and fruit of the poisonous tree. Oh law school. I miss you naught.) Rose for prosecutor Andi.
Most Likely To Make Horrifying Sex Sounds:
Ooooooooooo. Ahhhhhh. Who could it beeeee…. oh please. You know who. It’s Amy J:
This is a classic example of “looks can be deceiving.” How cute is she? She looks wholesome, sweet, normal. But when she insisted on massaging Juanny P in the driveway, with essential oils, over his suit, while making loud moaning sounds, I changed my mind. Fast. Aye yae yae. Is she going to pay for the dry cleaning bill to get those oils off his suit? I would have freaked out if someone rubbed oils on my clothes! During this awkward rub-down, Amy tells Juan Pablo that she thinks they have a lot in common. Juan’s response? Total silence. The only noise I can hear is the ABC intern breathing heavily while trying to steady the microphone boom. And Lauren crying. If I had to pick two people with less in common, I would pick Amy J and Juan Pablo. Juan Pablo probably has more in common with the shoeless girl, and that’s sayin’ something. When we met Amy J, she tells ABC producers, “I love to work people’s muscles.” And this gem, “I want a man who wants to be rubbed by me.” You rubbed him all right. The wrong way. No Rose. Guess you’ll have to find someone else’s muscles to work.
Most Likely to Need the ABC Psychotherapist
This winner blew the competition way. Nobody stood a chance. The “winner” is…Lauren H:
Como si dice “train wreck?” I mean that in the nicest way possible. I should have noticed the warning signs during her pre-limo introduction. You met a man a “little over a year ago,” got engaged, broke up, and are on the Bachelor? All in a YEAR?! That makes my head spin just thinking about it. Slow down, Lauren, slow down. Post-limo, I realize ABC picked you only to showcase an emotional breakdown. I recognize the conversation with Juan Pablo might have been edited (I really hope you are able to say things other than just “right,” “yeah,” and “um,” over and over again) and might not accurately reflect the exchange you two had, but Lauren, my dear, those tears were REAL. Also, your statement to Juan P, “I’m totally over it,” only tells me that you are, in fact, not over it. At all. Not juan bit. I read that your engagement ended 5 months before you went on the show. I want to see your audition footage. If you cried then too, sue ABC for intentional infliction of emotional distress. In the meantime, while you work on your damages, remember AshLee from Sean’s season? Call her. She’s got the good drugs.
Most Likely to Yell Drop And Give Me 20
Well, the award goes to Sharleen.. sir, yes sir.
Meeting Juan Pablo did not inspire this Opera singer to run out and sing an aria. Not only was Sharleen the recipient of the coveted first impression rose, but she was also the first bachelorette in 18 seasons to 1) be annoyed that he was giving her the rose 2) respond after what felt like an entire minute of complete silence with an unenthusiastic “sure,” and 3) start calling Respondent “sir” after he gave her the rose. Nothing says romance like a good ol’ fashioned “sir.” (That’s sort of true if you’ve seen An Officer and a Gentleman – but that’s totally different). But all those sirs, the sound of crickets, and an annoyed “sure,” did not tip-off our savvy Bachelor. No sir! Instead, Sir Pablo declared that Sharleen was so shocked and elated that she received the rose that it rendered her speechless. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised by Shar’s sudden use of the military lingo because, after all, love is a battlefield. I just didn’t realize Juan Pablo out-ranked her. Or, I am totally wrong! Maybe she has a knight fantasy and she’s calling him sir as part of that role-play. That’s probably it. Oooo here comes Sir Juan Pablo to rescue the helpless dame from the evil foot fungus girl.
Most Likely for Me to Like?
DISCLAIMER: I reserve any and all rights to at anytime stop liking the contestants I have listed below. As this list is generated solely on my “first impression,” and ABC”s amazing editing, I’m sure I will undoubtedly be totally wrong about these people. A future Tierra-rist could even be in the mix for all I know.
I think Clare is the cutest thing. She seems so sweet and her story made me tear-up (recall: her dad died of brain cancer but before he died, he made a DVD for Clare’s future husband). Man, I hope ABC doesn’t exploit that. Who am I kidding, of course they will! One complaint – Clare came out of the limo pretending to be pregnant. Um what? I don’t get it. Worst limo entrance ever.
Nikki, the pediatric nurse, was adorable in her intro package. Her back-tats in her formal gown were less adorable. But still, she seems sweet.
Chelsea, the “science educator,” is energetic and pretty. I’m sure she’ll never be Bill Nye but it’s not like Juan Pablo is Mr. Intellectual. Chelsea greets JP with a little chemistry lesson. Her science experiment was a good idea in theory… but as any scientist knows, not all theories turn out so. Why did it fail? Her enthusiasm level was a 15…and JP’s was about a 1. It felt awkward.
Alli, a nanny from Chicago, came out of the limo kicking a soccer ball. Speakin’ Juan’s language, Alli. Good play, good play. I like her. That’s all I have to say.
Almost 10 years ago I was headed off to college (YAY COLLEGE!). On a side note, when did I get so old? As I’ve said previously, I’m too old to be a contestant on this show. De-press-ing. I’m also too educated to be a contestant on this show. Also, de-press-ing. I’d also like to think I’m too sophisticated for the show…but MAN I would have been amazing on this show 10 years ago. Hot tub soaking ability? Above average. Bikini strutting? Excellent. Cocktail sipping (read: guzzling)? Um, I’m from Wisconsin. I could do it.
But I digress. Back to my first year of college. Like every freshman at a liberal arts college, I had to take it all: theology 101, philosophy 101, piano for beginners, some sort of math and science class that I never paid attention in, and finally, the BIG freshman class, psychology 101. My dear dear DEAR roommate and I had the joy of taking Psych 101 together. It was amazing. Our professor referred to us collectively as “the roommates.” We studied the brain, we diagnosed our problems, we dreamed of meat powder, and then one day, we learned about a concept that was revolutionary in our world: co-rumination. I’m a little rusty on my psychology but as I recall it was essentially the act of rehashing/ talking about/ remembering every. single. minute detail of an event (usually negative) for hours upon hours with another person (in this case, my roommate and me) until you both feel miserable, even though you didn’t feel miserable to start! The goal isn’t to FEEL miserable, but you just dwell and dwell and dwell. We were EXCELLENT co-ruminators and we thought it was amazing that we had a diagnosis for our frequent perseverations (although, I think that’s an entirely different psychological phenomenon. Mom? Dad? Side note – they are actual psychologists, not the “arm chair” psychologist I’m currently holding myself out to be.)
What’s the point of this lovely little vignette? The point is that ABC is FORCING US to co-ruminate with Des, even if we don’t want to. We’re forced to watch Brooks dump Des high and dry, all over again. We’re forced to watch her sob and wonder why her mascara doesn’t run. We’re forced to wonder why nobody can hand Brooks a freaking kleenex for all that STUFF coming out his nose. Maybe he needs a nasal adjustment from Chris’ dad. And you know what, just as I learned in psych 101, it sucks reliving something negative over and over again.
Also co-ruminating with Des tonight is Chris Harrison and a LIVE studio audience. Do you think they get the audience drunk ahead of time so tears flow more easily? Back in Antigua, Chris sits down with Des to talk to her about the situation.
Chris: Des, what’s shaking? What’s with the sourpuss?
Des: Didn’t you hear? Brooks left.
Chris: Oh. And you care about that? But did you see how much stuff was in his hair?
Des: I want to go home.
Chris: Well, you’ve got two more guys here. Chris and Drew. Remember them? The fantasy suite?
Des: (giggling) I love BOTH of them! They are both expressive, and affectionate, and loving, and Drew likes men. I’m not broken. So I’m going to pretend I love one of them.
Again, despite the tears, Des’ makeup NEVER runs. What is the secret! For some reason, next we have a rose ceremony where Des cries some more, tells the guys essentially she loves Brooks and is heartbroken but wants to know if they’ll still accept her rose. Romance. Don’t you just love it when the girl you love is crying over another guy but asks you to still date her? It’s a love built for lasting. She sobs as she hands out roses, accidentally saying “Brooks” twice instead of Chris and Drew. Chris is bummed Des is crying over Brooks but he figures it’s nothing a little poetry can’t fix.
And to continue in the awkwardness, Harrison sends Des on some dates with Drew and Chris. Des knows she’ll never cross the finish line with Drew (interpret as you will) and thus she is free to wear her ugliest “shirt” on the date. I say shirt in quotes because it’s more like a Halloween costume top for a child going as Sacajawea. Des pairs her crop top with some low-flung, hip huggin’ pants that were very reminiscent of Christina Aguilera’s outfit in her music video “Genie in a Bottle.” I know Des is heart broken but wardrobe should have insisted she put on pants that she hasn’t had since 1999. Des and Drew take to horses like a scene out of “Brokeback Mountain” (again, interpret as you will) and Des realizes she is NOT having it. Drew cheers Des to being in love and Des replies, “cheers to Brooks!” Then starts sobbing. She tells Drew what he already knows – that she doesn’t feel the same way about him as he does her. She doesn’t see their future together. Drew sighs and tries to run his fingers through is hair but then realizes his hair pomade guarantees to keep hairs in place up to 48 hours, even in the event of a nuclear holocaust, making this attempt futile. Also, what’s up with Drew’s puffy purple shorts? That is all. See ya Drew.
It’s time for Des’ date with Chris. I get a little excited because I figure she’s ready to kick him to the curb and then Brooks will come running in begging for another chance. I know it’s going to happen. Except it didn’t. She didn’t kick Chris to the curb. And so far Brooks hasn’t come running, or walking back in. Des makes out with Chris (nothing heals the heart like making out with someone else). She decides he is worthy of meeting her family. But first, Chris pulls out the journal Zak W gave to Des months ago. Des ignores the scribbled out message from Zak and heads straight to the back where Chris has recorded all of his poetry from the season. Des regrets telling him he can meet her family.
What I can only assume is like 8 hours after Brooks left and Des was left heartbroken, Des takes Chris to meet her family. Chris takes some anti-anxiety medication in anticipation of the verbal assault he’s anticipating from Des’ charming brother. Ironically, Des’ brother is wearing a shirt that very very closely resembles jail stripes. Coincidence or is he really on a furlough from jail? It would be fitting with all the prison tats. Des wears a darling coral dress ( I want!). While broski gives Chris the third degree, he manages not to act too insane. He must be medicated. Chris asks Des’ dad for his hand in marriage. Dad asks if he’s Brooks? Chris replies no, he’s Chris NOT Brooks. Dad gives his approval to Chris and in the alternative, Brooks.
With 20 remaining minutes left in the show, I regain confidence that Brooks MUST be about to reclaim Des. Will it happen at the rose ceremony? Or maybe Des will pull a Mesnick, pick Chris only to choose Brooks at the After the Final Rose? Whatever the path, I was certain Brooks would place the Neil Lane on Des’ finger. No doubt.
Until I had doubt. Pretty soon it was the proposal time. Chris visited Neil Lane. Oh Neil. Just the sight of you made me laugh so hard. Probably my favorite moment in the show. Neil shows up again with his bevy of gaudy rings that look like costume jewelry. Chris chooses one that resembles the one from the game “Pretty Pretty Princess,” and assumes Des will love it because she loves the 90s. It also featured “rose gold.” How convenient. Neil Lane shines the giant diamond on his bare chest and wishes Chris good luck. Neil also asks that he pass the ring on to Brooks when Brooks shows up.
Des puts on a dress that I love (super flattering on her body) and shows up to the proposal sight. She looks around for Brooks but he’s not there yet. Chris shows up, starts to get down on one knee and Des stops him. THIS IS IT, I think! She’s going to break up with him and call Brooks! Only, she tells him that her feelings for Brooks made her blind to her feelings for Chris. Umm ok. I’m not sure that’s what I’d want to hear from the person I’m asking to marry, but what do I know. Chris takes it as a good sign and drops to one knee, pulls out the Neil and Des declares, “Yes, a thousand times, YES!” Just like she had always practiced as a pretty pretty princess in the tent.
I figured my theory about Brooks was about to ring true at the After the Final Rose. But it DIDN’T. Des STILL chose Chris. And dare I say it… they seem happy! She is moving to Seattle as I type this. And Seattle is where Chris lives, not Brooks. Just to be clear, I didn’t WANT Des to choose Brooks, I just really thought she’d end up with him. But I like her and Chris together. Even if his 5th grade poetry makes me want to shove needles in my eyes. Oh and also. JUAN PABLO. I’d Juan Pablo that. No. Seriously:
Please accept my thorny, sarcastic, final rose of the season! Until next season my dear dear readers!
The words have become comforting. They are the wise wise words of Chris Harrison (allegedly):
“Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite.”
I’ve heard those words 78 times (seriously, 78 times. I did the math. 17 seasons of the Bachelor plus 9 seasons of the Bachelorette times the 3 remaining contestants equals 78). It’s FINALLY fantasy suite night! What’s not to love about fantasy suite night? There could be another Ed moment (recall Ed had some trouble…performing). There could be another Vienna moment (recall Vienna stepped out in her little negligee for Jake. Ew, I hope I never have to relive a moment like that again). Or there could be another Emily moment (recall she did not allow fantasy suite dates because she didn’t want little Ricky to think her a floozy). My money is that Drew will announce he’d rather be in the fantasy date with Brooks than Des.
Obviously the best place to shack up is Antigua, so Des and her remaining men head to the island. Des hopes Brooks doesn’t have an Ed moment because she’s pretty certain she wants to marry him. Brooks is hoping he has an Ed moment so that Des won’t want to marry him. Chris Harrison describes this episode as “incredible and dramatic,” and as the television event of the summer. Wow Chris, wow. Bold predictions! Chris throws around the word dramatic more than #kasey hashtag throws around the hashtag, so we’ll just have to see.
Truthfully, I have nothing to say about the first two dates – Drew and Chris. I mean really, what a snooze. Des wears a weird fringe denim vest over her swimsuit and that’s about the most dramatic (read: atrocious) thing that happened. Chris reads MORE POETRY and I consider jumping out my window. It’s a good thing my boyfriend doesn’t write me poetry. I wouldn’t be very receptive. You can show your love for me with gift cards and flowers, not rhyming couplets. I’m only half kidding. But mostly I’m not kidding.
Chris and Drew both spend the night in the STD fantasy suite. Do you think Brooks is getting cold feet because he doesn’t want to be the THIRD person to the fantasy suite? Ew! I do not blame him! You definitely need to be the first one for this “date.”
Brooks heads to Boise, Idaho to pick up some potatoes before he heads to Antigua. Well actually he goes to talk to his sister and Mother about his feelings for Des. Or lack there of. He tells his family he is worried he isn’t ready to propose after 3 weeks of knowing Des. How strange! I’ve had a longer relationship with gallons of milk in my fridge. I can’t imagine not wanting to get engaged after just meeting someone, who is also dating 3 other people. He also isn’t sure if he loves her and doesn’t think he should propose if he doesn’t love her. Uhhh, ya think!?!
Back in Antigua, we are forced to listen to Des drone on and on about her love for Brooks, all the while knowing Brooks is getting ready to dump Des. But before Brooks can pull the plug on Des, he needs some advice from the Almighty Chris. Brooks tells the camera that “everything in my head says, this is it. But my heart feels a different way.” Ouch. Chris asks Brooks “are you not sure? Or are you telling me ‘I’m not in love with this girl?”‘ Brooks looks down and responds with hmmm…I don’t know. Brooks says that if he doesn’t feel it at this point, he probably will never feel it. Further, he’s come to the conclusion that Des is NOT the love of his life. Chris asks Brooks if he’s honestly ready to fall in love? Did his parent’s divorce impact his ability to commit? Brooks says he’s wanted to marry like 10 other people but definitely does not want to marry Des.
So what’s Brooks’ issue? Here are some theories:
he has commitment issues (ala Chris Harrison)
he is secretly in love with Drew (ala my Mother)
he isn’t in love after a few weeks (ala all normal people in the world)
he doesn’t want to be rejected in case Des doesn’t choose him (ala me)
he doesn’t know how Des feels so he’s trying to protect himself (ala me again – sounds the same but I’m trying to emphasis the point)
he wants to give Des a family ring but ABC is insisting on a Neil Lane
he is scared of Des’ brother
he was hoping the Bachelorette would be Emily
he is grossed out being the third guy to the fantasy suite
he feels like he can’t compete with Chris’ poetry
he likes the drama
Poor Des has no idea what’s about to hit her. She puts on a darling crop-top swimsuit cover up and excitedly goes to meet Brooks for her date, which she hopes will be “stress-free, no worries.” Ugh, more dramatic irony. I can’t handle it! I want to jump through my screen and warn Des. She gushes on and on about how much she loves him. But as soon as Brooks walks up Des knows something is wrong.
Des knows it ain’t good. She urges Brooks to talk to her. He tells her he’s run out of hair product and will have to cancel the date. But there’s more. He tells her that when they are apart he loses his connection with her. She tearfully tells him she misses him when he’s not around. He tells her,” you know, I really want to be madly in love with you.” Dagger. to. the. heart. I can’t really even write anything THAT sarcastic because I genuinely felt terrible for Des. Brooks says the moments apart are not hard enough. This causes Des to break down and when Brooks tries to comfort her she tells him to stop. Des tells Brooks she loves him. Brooks tearfully says, “why didn’t you tell me earlier?” I don’t get exactly why Brooks asks that. Would that have changed his mind? Would he have gone to the fantasy suite if he knew she loved him? Would he have shaved his face?
Des tells Brooks nobody ever loves her and this happens to her all the time. Well Des, you have two guys proclaiming their love for you (that you presumably had sex with the night before) who are ready to marry you. Granted one of them wears scarves a little too well and the other can only say I love you in a poem. But still, it’s better than nothing? Des tells Brooks she was conflicted during this process because she didn’t want to share her heart with anyone but Brooks and that while she was on her other dates she only wanted to be with him. I believe Des…but I also witnessed Des rolling around on the beach 40 minutes ago with Chris. I mean, seriously rolling around. They were one roll away from turning the beach into the fantasy suite.
Finally, Brooks says it’s time to get up and leave the dock of heartbreak because his ungelled hair will take ages to untangle. Brooks asks if he can borrow some detangler from Des before they part ways and Des knees him in the crotch. They part ways and the camera alternates between both of them sobbing. Des says, “honestly for me, it’s over.”
How do you think Chris and Drew felt watching this last night? Maybe at the After the Final Rose, Chris will explain it to us in a poem.
So what do you think? Will Brooks come back? Will Des end up alone? Weigh in!
In an unprecedented Bachelor franchise move, the “Men Tell What We Already Know All” show airs prior to the fantasy suite date. What’s with the change in protocol, Harrison? As I prepared myself for next two hours, I started to think about things I need answered. Here are my questions:
Michael, do you or do you not have an endorsement deal with Suave Hair Gel for men?
Ben, what ever possessed you to buy that man-tank with the spaghetti straps? Or did you borrow it from Des? Please refer to exhibit A to refresh your recollection: Also, I can only assume those are Des’ shorts too.
Brian, what ABOUT DONAVON!?
No, seriously, what about DONAVON! How could you do this to DONAVON?!!?
Zak W, do you admit the ring you gave Des was from the dollar store and was just a filler until you got your hands on the ABC Neil Lane diamond?
James and Mikey, did you start a party boat line in Chicago exclusively for tall, beautiful, rich women?
#hashtag Kasey, do you know that the only thing more annoying than your tall hair is constantly saying #hashtag? #it’strue.
Juan Pablo, can I have your number?
Who here wishes Emily was the Bachelorette again?
Chris Harrison takes the stage in front of a live studio audience. Per usual, there are approximately three men in the audience – someone who cheated on his girl friend and the only way she would forgive him was if he went to the taping with her, someone whose wife told him they were going to a taping of Jimmy Kimmel Live, and someone’s gay best friend.
But before the men come out, we must watch some pre-taped viewing parties crashed by Chris and Des. And then more crashes with Ashley and JP. And then the Mesnicks. And Trista, in a desperate attempt to stay relevant. All of the viewing parties opened their door, feigning shock at who was on the other side. I’m highly doubting ABC showed up at these places unannounced. All of the girls were in dresses with perfect hair and makeup, sipping on beverages. In sharp contrast, my viewing parties consist of two girls in sweats, unshowered, shoving food in our mouths and drinking milk. Please, crash. I beg of you.
Next, Des sits down with Ali, Emily, and Ashley to get some advice about “bad boys.” Emily is unable to blink, move her face at all, or register emotions due to even more plastic surgery. Ali sports some major major black roots with blonde hair. It was very Penny from Dirty Dancing. They fake friendship and cheers to putting boys in their place. Girls rule, boys drool!
It’s FINALLY time to meet the guys. Only, I am not sure they have the right people. Who are these people? Where is the creepy doctor? Where is Brian?! What about Donavon? Where is Bentley? Oh wait, that wasn’t this season.
Chris Harrison starts asking Juan Pablo questions. I realize it’s the first time I’ve ever heard him talk. And surprise surprise, guess who starts piping up without being called on? Michael. Barf. So annoying. Time to roll video of what we’ve already seen. This show is so borrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring.
We relive things we’ve worked on repressing for months. Fantasy rape date attempt, DONAVON, Stephanie throwing rocks at Brian’s face, Michael’s constant badgering of Ben, Ben’s overall sliminess, James campaigning for Bachelor 2014, etc.
Blah blah blah blah blah.
On a side note – who ARE these people in the audience? The faces they make! Are they actors? There was some granny who looked soooo outraged. She was my favorite. Seriously, this was every other shot on my TV:
First in the hot seat was Ben. We watch the montage of Ben’s time on the Bachelorette. Despite my best efforts, I too make a horrified face when I relive the man-tank one more time. He’s the conversation Chris has with Ben:
Chris: What’s with the tank, bro?
Ben: It was my baby mama’s. She let me borrow it.
Chris: Why did all the men hate you?
Ben: Because I had a strong relationship with Des. She really liked my bro tank.
Chris: You were so different around Des than the guys.
Ben: I’m Christian. Don’t judge me.
Ben: It’s about me and Des.
Random dude who allegedly was on the show: I saw your baby mama in Vegas and she told me you cheated on your girlfriend and had Brody.
Ben: Don’t talk about my baby mama. She’s going to be really mad. She’s already mad I stretched out her tank top.
Next up, James. Everyone is so annoying about the James situation. Am I the only one who doesn’t think James is some evil-doer, to use the words of George Dubya (you know, the “decider”). Here’s my take on Jamesgate. James went on a group date, thought he had a great connection with Des and did not get the rose. Expressing frustration to his friend Mikey, he said well if she likes someone like Brooks, he’s obviously not the right person for Des because Brooks and him could not be more different. He goes on to say well this might not work out but hey maybe I’ll be the next Bachelor. La-di-freaking-da. Who CARES! How can this be so offensive to people? How dare he act realistic! How dare he think about his future! James I offer you a made-up Irish proverb: may your boat always be plentiful with beautiful, tall, wealthy women.
Juan Pablo joins Chris in the hot seat. I’m not entirely sure why, other than 98% of the Bachelorette viewing audience finds Juan Pablo sexy. As one tweet said, “I’d Juan Pablo that.” There’s really nothing else to say.
On to broken-hearted Zak. Here’s the summary: tan face, white teeth, broken heart, was in love, wanted to get married, wrote a song, closure, smiles.
Des comes out. Her dress/ earrings/ shoes ensemble was just wrong wrong wrong. Zak sings Des a song. Was anyone else hoping that Des was going to proclaim Zak as the winner after his sweet serenade? Chris does not ask Des if she’s happy or if she’s found love. Doesn’t he always ask that? More horrified faces from the audience. More James bashing. More Juan Pablo-ing.
What a snooze-fest. Hopefully the fantasy suites will be more exciting than this nonsense (I’m hoping for another Ed moment next week).
It’s hometown date week! Is there anything more exciting than an opportunity to judge observe the messed up families of our remaining men? Will Des’ tent-dwelling family complete with an angry brother appear more normal after meeting the families? Although, if a camera crew followed my own family around, what would the world see? Chaos. Noise. Dogs barking. My mom singing. I’ll just leave it at that. You would never see anyone in my family pick up a hand-full of spaghetti and take aim at a sister (well, I guess I did that once). And you would never see a neighbor call the police after they heard terribly loud screams coming from the house (whoops, that was me too!). And you would certainly never see anyone in my family throw hangers or phones at yet again, the same sister (ok, so I have anger issues. I’ll be sure to check into an anger management class very very soon). The moral of the story is, none of us come across perfect on camera. And thank goodness, because this blog sure would be boring if that were the case! So, let’s chat about everyone’s dysfunction, shall we?
Yeehaw, we’re headed to Dallas Y’ALL! Des shows up wearing an adorable cropped teal jacket (I want!). Des will meet Zak’s sister, brother, mom and dad. What an All-American family! I hope they serve apple pie down there in Texas. But before that happens, Zak tells Des about some strange dream he had. Des doesn’t follow and instantly wishes she had taken her brother up on some illegal drugs because surely then she could have followed this psychedelic scenario. At the end of the dream, when Des and Zak are covered in snow cones, Zak runs and gets the family snow cone truck! Ah yes, every girl’s dream. To own a snow cone truck. Is a snow cone truck less creepy than an ice cream truck? Because I find grown men trolling the neighborhoods for children while playing carnival music insanely creepy. They dish up some snow cones to some kids and Zak dresses like a penguin. When Des’ teeth are adequately blue from her fav syrup Razzle Dazzle Blue Razzzzberry, Zak takes her to his parent’s house.
Just as I was reallllly getting ready to judge, dislike, and trash-talk all of these strangers, they arrive at a beautiful house and a beautiful family. They are all warm. They are all kind. They are all inviting. And the house is gorgeous. Ugh – what boring TV! (But Zak wins my vote for next Bachelor!). I would love a tour of that house. Lots of cute decoration ideas. Even when the family all started singing to Des, I got ready to be Judgy McJudgerson, but still nothing came. It was all so sweet. I’d rather listen to the family sing than hear one. more. poem.
Zak gives Des some sort of promise ring and tells her he loves her. I wonder if Zak is going to regret that decision later…
Des heads to Scottsdale, AZ to meet Drew’s family. His is sort of the “new” All-American Family. Des will meet Drew’s mom, step-dad, father, sister, and then I lost track of people. Because I stopped listening. Drew and Des pick up Drew’s mentally handicapped sister and then they head to Drew’s mom’s house. As soon as I see Drew’s dad, Mal, I turned to my friend and said you know who he looks like? In unison we both said, “Ronald Reagan!” Ha! I couldn’t find the BEST picture of Mal, but here’s the best I could do:
Oh, I kid! That is of course Ronald Reagan! No fooling you guys. Here’s Mal:
He looked more like Ronnie on the TV, than in this grainy picture so you’ll just have to “trust, but verify” as Ronald would say! I will say, Ron Mal was very sweet and supportive of his son. I liked Mal the best. Meanwhile, Drew and his mom were in a bedroom holding hands. I found this creepy. I mean I just can’t imagine sitting on a bed telling my dad about my new boyfriend, while holding his hand. When Des departs, Drew tells Des he like, totally, loves her shoes. Whoops, he backtracks and says I mean you. I mean I love you, Des.
Des heads somewhere in Oregon (I may have missed where Chris was from…twice). Wherever it is, it sure is beautiful! I expected Chris to have the most normal family of all the remaining men. And yet things just didn’t pan out that way. Des met Chris’ mom, dad, two sisters, brother and his brother’s wife. I don’t know what was up with everyone’s hair in Oregon but some of those ladies could really use an update. And why does Chris look NOTHING like his siblings? I mean he’s so cute. And I’ll just leave it at that. While I’m at anger management class I’ll consider taking a class about saying nice things. And surprise, surprise, Chris’ dad proposes a toast that sounds oddly like a POEM. GAH! Stop please! We learn that Chris’ dad, George, is a chiropractor. He offers to take her downstairs (that’s not strange at all) to give her an adjustment. I’m just not sure I’m going to allow my boyfriend’s dad, who I’m meeting for the very first time, to give me an “adjustment.” In the basement. The family basement. Which is clearly where his business operates. It was a little too fringe medicine for my taste.
Especially when Chris shows up for his adjustments. While I’m taking a big bite of my delicious burrito bowl, George shoves some sort of balloon device up – STRAIGHT UP- Chris’ nose. There are weird sounds. There are boogers. And then there is burrito bowl coming back up my throat. I mean, what in the world WAS that? And why did they need to show it while I was eating? UGH! Cue the groans! No adjustments for me thanks. Other than my personality, I do not need adjusting.
Des chats with Chris’ mom who seems… medicated. She has no expression, no enthusiasm. Her hair sort of looks like she just broke out of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. I am quite confident she is on some sort of major downer. Probably given to her by George. Mom’s version of an “adjustment.” Even her laugh was unhappy sounding.
Finally, Des heads to beautiful Salt Lake City, Utah. Brooks has bad clothes. They always look dated. Sorta like some other people’s hair we saw just moments earlier. The 90′s are over people! And don’t get me wrong, I loved the 90′s (my nano baby, Full House, Saved by the Bell, Doug, etc). Anyway, there are like 57 siblings for Des to meet and all of their spouses. Brooks’ mom is also there. No mention of Papa Brooks. Des seems nervous when she talks to Brooks’ mom. But maybe it’s because she hasn’t been able to take the edge of with a nice cold beer. Or 12 as ABC prefers to guarantee good television. Brooks borrows Des’ coat to talk to 13 of his brothers outside. And then his sister Jana (the only one whose name I actually caught). Jana tells Brooks that he will know if he’s in love if he’s completely co-dependent. Seriously, she said if he’s upset whenever she’s not around, then they should definitely get married. That sounds so…stable. And healthy.
The Crazy Brother
Because ABC wants to spice things up, they bring in some guy they keep insisting is Des’ brother (I’m not convinced) and let him loose. Once again, he shows his crazy and tells Des he wants to scare off Des’ final guys. He says he wants to meet them and “get in their heads.” Is this guy really that crazy or is this all an act? If it’s not an act, it seems like he must HATE Des. He seems like all he wants to do is upset her. He needs to go to anger management class with me. Anyway, there is nothing else to say about him. If I were Des, I would not speak to him. I’m cold like that.
And at the rose ceremony poor Zak goes home. Heartbroken. And Des gives Zak back his promise ring, which Zak promptly throws out the limo window. I can only assume it was worth like $5.00. Des is just thankful she no longer has to wear a ring that’s turning her finger green. Poor Zak. Him and his abs really grew on me!
See ya next week for the Men Tell All What We Already Know!
Hard to believe but it’s already week 7 (that’s practically long enough for Des to KNOW who she should marry). Des should employ the same method I use to shop on her quest to find a husband: if you think about it the next day, you should buy it. So, if she’s thinking about one guy in particular, then she should buy him. Or Neil Lane/ ABC should buy him for her. I think that’s how I ended up spending $1450.00 last weekend (on chairs, not buying a husband). Sometimes this method isn’t fool-proof, but really, what is. It’s a crap-shoot. Des could spend 8 full weeks with these guys only to find out he’s a Larry Craiger. Or a Spitzer. Or a Wiener. Or a Sanforder. You just never know.
ABC ships the remaining men and Des to the beautiful island of Madeira. Somewhere James is upset he missed out on the boat. I’m upset that I don’t have a glass of Madeira to enjoy this episode. And I’m also upset I’ve never been to this gorgeous place. Perhaps another purchase to consider. But I’m most upset that nobody has punched Michael in the face yet.
Des “invited” her friends to Madeira for some advice (read: ABC flew contestants from Sean’s season to Madeira to add some interest to the show). I highly doubt any of these chicks are actually friends with each other. Joining Des is Catherine (Sean’s fiance), Leslie, and the one we don’t remember at all because she didn’t talk, Jackie. Des asks Catherine if Sean is available and asks Catherine to remind Sean that he made a huge mistake. The girls slurp down some yellow drinks, spy on the 5 guys with binoculars and play “who would you rather do.” Nobody picks Michael.
One on One Date: Brooks
Love Des’ tank top! Add it to my list of wants. Des and Brooks hop into a Smart car and go zipping up a mountain side. While Des is telling anyone who will listen how much she is falling in love with Brooks, Brooks is starting to show his doubts. The car trip ends on top of a mountain above the clouds. I can only imagine the clichés that will come from location. Something like, Brooks’ love sends me to the top of a mountain. Or Brooks makes me feel like I’m floating on clouds. No literally, I am floating on clouds right now. Meanwhile Brooks declares the clouds are suffocating him and he feels like he’s tumbling down a mountainside uncontrollably.
At dinner Des comes up with adjectives to describe the falling in love process and its various stages. They were something like sitting on the couch, getting up for a bag of chips, going on an after dinner walk, running a 5k, and getting a blue ribbon (that’s when you’ve reached true love). Des tells Brooks she’s running (although really, she’s already at the blue ribbon stage) and Brooks tells the camera he’s “a little bit behind in [his] emotional process.” Meaning, he’s not even out of bed yet. Love hurts. As does running!
One on One Date: Chris
Des takes Chris to a yacht for some motorboatin’. Chris realizes he has the perfect poem for the occasion:
Makin’ waves and catchin’ rays up on the roof
Jumpin’ off the back, don’t act like you don’t want to
Party in slow motion
Out here in the open
The ABC camera dude interjects to tell Des that Chris did not write that poem but that it’s actually a country song by Little Big Town. Chris vows to only recite original poems from this point forward.
Ugh. Seriously more poems. Chris decides they will write a “poem” in a bottle. And then litter the earth with this junk. I like Chris, I really do. But the poetry needs to stop.
But unlike Brooks, Chris has fallen in love with Des (blue ribbon!) and is going to tell her at dinner. In a poem. Chris would have done so well at my grade school on “poem in your pocket” day.
One on One Date: Michael (gag)
Michael shows up looking like a total creeper. I don’t know why he looks like a creeper. He just does. Des says he has all of the qualities that make a loyal, trustworthy husband. Also someone who might require a restraining order but what healthy relationship doesn’t require that? Des tells Michael he’s the sweetest person she’s ever known in her life. Is that sarcasm? Or hyperbole? Otherwise yikes Des, you’ve known a lot of sausages in your life. They race some toboggans down the streets of Madeira (so fun!) and Des cackles like a witch the whole way down. Seriously, what’s with the laugh Des? I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too! Ah ha ha ha.
Des paints on white dress sized for a 6-year-old and they head to dinner on the streets of Madeira below bistro lights. It would have been such a romantic setting with anyone but Michael. Michael says he wants to find a wife because he doesn’t want his tombstone to just read “world’s greatest prosecutor.” WOW. DOUBLE WOW. Cue the groans harder than they’ve ever been cued! Geez Michael, what would the federal government do without your amazing prosecutorial skills? I mean, what are they doing these three months while you’re off gallivanting around? Did the whole federal court system collapse without your trial skills? Are felons just roaming the streets now? Have all federal drug charges in Miami gone unprosecuted? Anyway, I think I can state with confidence that your tombstone will never read “world’s greatest prosecutor.” Plus, that title’s already bestowed upon MY boyfriend. Aw snap!
Michael tells Des about how his last girlfriend left him for a mountain top. Or some other dude on a mountain top. Either way, she left him. I’m shocked. You seem like such a nice guy… despite your witch hunting ways. And wild wild eyes. And excessive use of hair gel. Embrace the curls, yo.
Two-on-One Date: Drew and Zak
Des takes Drew and Zak to a go-cart race track. Zak and Drew have a race. Zak kicks Drew’s behind because Drew is too worried about getting a hair out of place. And messing up his man-mani (manicure). Luckily Michael gave Drew some extra hair gel to keep everything firmly in place.
Zak pulls Des aside and shows her some art he made to document their journey. It was pretty cute. Zak is just fun and sweet. He’s goofy and likes to take his clothes off but what’s wrong with a little nudity anyway? Let’s not be such puritans.
Drew and Des have some alone time and Des says she wants to meet Drew’s family. It’s uneventful. Drew giggles like a school girl. Rose for Drew.
Des wears a gorgeous backless bright blue dress (back is the new breast)! Seriously, they really make her up to look beautiful at these rose ceremonies. Des has some time with Chris where she admits she’s got a major blue ribbon for Brooks. I’m talking like the blue ribbon winning cheddar cheese at the Wisconsin State Fair. That’s right, she loovvesss Brooks. Now if only Brooks felt that way too! Chris asks if it’s game over but Des says nahh because she still wants to do some traveling. Smart Des, very smart.
And it’s as though the Bachelor gods heard my prayers tonight. Hallelujah, Michael is going home! Good thing because those federal offenses won’t prosecute themselves Michael. I will say that Michael was gracious about the rejection, which earned him slightly more respect in my book but not enough to make up for his abhorrent treatment of James and Ben earlier in the season. Or his wild eyes. They cray cray.
And maybe another reason Michael can’t find love – as soon as he was rejected he called his mom. Yikes Michael. Yikes. Is she going to breast feed you later? Is that too much??? Eh, that’s why I’m here!
Hometowns next week! Yeeehaw. (Why a yeehaw? I don’t know but it felt right).
My precious readers, I apologize for my late post. I could not write as I was on Mikey and James’ Fourth of July boat party held exclusively for tall, beautiful, rich women. Obviously. So where were we… it’s week 6 and in order to find “love” Des must travel to beautiful Spain. Balls will fly, tears will flow, and Michael will continue to annoy me.
Chris Harrison shows up to explain that if you get a rose you are safe. Thanks for clearing that up Chris – I’ve been confused about that concept the last 12 years.
First One on One: Drew, let’s build a foundation for love
Drew is pretty. I mean seriously, he is perfect looking. But I’m just noooootttttt totally convinced Drew likes women. Which is totally fine, obviously, just not fine for the show (or for Des).
Drew exclaims like a 12 year old girl that he can’t stop thinking about kissing Des, so he kisses her right away and squeals, “yay!” How…masculine. Drew tells Des about his father’s journey to sobriety and that he’s also terminally ill with cancer. I’m just going to put this out there – If one of my parents were dying, I would definitely not be romping around on the Bachelor[ette]. Go home! What a mistake!
Drew and Des head to dinner but in an attempt to overcompensate for his sexuality, Drew grabs Des and pulls her into the street for a make-out session. Apparently the private dinning area was not conducive for making out. A public street is a much better idea. It reminds me of when Sean was running down the streets yelling “EMILLLLY!” Oh good times.
Drew gets the rose. As soon as Drew secures his rose, Drew decides it’s time to start gossiping. Drew tells Des that he heard from Kasey that Kasey heard James tell Mikey (yep, that’s like 72 layers of hearsay, but whatever) that if he makes it into the top four it will give him enough exposure so he’ll possibly be the next Bachelor and his life will change. Des responds with a BEEEEEEEP and another BEEEEEEEP. Oh really Des? Are you unhappy you are now the Bachelorette? Or would you rather be with Sean? Something tells me you’d rather be the Bachelorette.
Group Date: Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James and Juan Pablo
The group heads to play a soccer game against the professional women’s Barcelona soccer team. Professional soccer player, Juan Pablo, is majorly excited for his opportunity to shine. When Brooks sees the female team, he says “listen girl scouts, we’re about to bake some cookies.” I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean but I do know that if anyone’s rump is going to be roasted, it’s going to be the men (with the exception of Juan Pablo). And also, some of the toughest women in America were girl scouts (the list includes Hillary Clinton, Sally Rider, Sandra Day O’Connor, Martha Stewart, Katie Couric, Lucille Ball, Barbara Walters, and ME) so what’s your POINT BROOKS?! I wish all the girl scouts past and present would get together and show Michael the prosecutor who’s boss. And speaking of, Michael states that “it’s wrong to hit a woman but it’s not wrong…to kick a woman’s soccer ball.” Sadly I bet Michael thinks in some circumstances it might be ok to hit a woman. Or at least abuse her emotionally. Yuck.
Surprise surprise the only girl scouts on the field were the men. The women win. After the game, the group drinks and the producers urge the men to start arguing. But first, Chris and Des sneak away to a bed where they have a majorly awkward conversation and Des decides to read a poem she wrote to Chris. No. More. Poems. Ok, one more. Here’s a haiku:
The poems need to end
They sound like a sixth grader
This show is so dumb.
After the guys get liquored up, Kasey confronts James about the SHOCKING conversation he overheard in the van at the last group date. In case you missed the alleged conversation the first time, let me recap it for you:
James: Hey Mikey. When I get back to Chi-town, I am totally gonna hook you up with some chicks I met at my gym. Also, I’ll hook you up with my roid guy. He makes my neck muscles massive.
Mikey: Sweet dude, also I have a boat. I bet the chicks will love that. And I know tall, good looking girls with lots of money.
James: Awesome bro. You know, if Des doesn’t pick me and I make the top four, maybe I’ll be the next Bachelor. ‘Cause that’s how this show works.
How DARE James state the obvious! How could he EVER think about what inevitably happens each season? To all the sausages yelling at James, I’m SURE you came on this show only to find love. You know, since this show has such an outstanding track record at actually finding “love.” Yep, makes sense to me. I’d like you all to be honest for a hot second and admit that the only reason you’re on this show is for fame. Not for love. And definitely not for Des. Call me James, I’ll come on your boat.
The producers make Des and James take 6 shots of vodka and then Des confronts James about the conversation. James defends himself and says the worst outcome would be if he was the next Bachelor. Actually, I think the worst outcome would be getting picked. James cries, Des cries. James has to throw up from all the booze and Des decides she is too drunk to continue this conversation. Chris Harrison gets James some Gatorade and sends him back to the hotel.
Second One on One Date: Zak
Zak and his teeth that are brighter than the sun go to meet Des, who is sitting outside sketching a church. Seriously Zak’s teeth are SO WHITE. Zak’s teeth are whiter than the following:
freshly fallen snow
a brand new Hanes t-shirt
my rapidly whitening hair
His teeth remind me of the Friends episode where Ross whitens his teeth. If you haven’t seen the clip, watch it here. I highly suggest it! After Des puts on some sunglasses to protect her retinas, the two head to an art studio where they paint things. Zak paints a portrait of Des that is hysterical. The portrait looks like a dirty crackhead. It’s probably the funniest moment on the show. And maybe the only honest moment on the show. Next, the two paint a full-frontal dude, which naturally makes Zak feel the urge to take his clothes off…so he does.
Rose for Zak.
The rest of the dumb episode includes the guys screaming at James some more, Des asking James about his intentions and Des crying. I’m so over this whole non-drama, I can’t even bring myself to write about it. Get over it everyone – James is on the show for the same reasons you guys are. You ALL want to be the next Bachelor! Get off your high horse, wake up and smell the roses, hey kettle you’re black, ETC. Pick your darn cliche and let’s move on.
Three guys go home this week: James (surprise surprise), Kasey #seeya #yourhairisstillsotall and Juan Pablo. To my astonishment Michael remains for another week. Talk about an injustice!
Because it’s a Holiday week and I am traveling, I will not be able to provide an adequate update until…GASP… SUNDAY! I apologize for keeping everyone waiting. I know how anxious you guys are to hear about James being there for the wrong reasons. MORE GASPS! Can you believe the nerve of someone, going on a show with an awful track record of actually creating lasting relationships for some reason OTHER than LOVE?!?! The horrors!
Anyway, I’ll be back with more sarcasm on Sunday. Happy 4th to you all!
The quest to find true love naturally must occur in Munich, Germany. When I traveled to Munich, I didn’t find true love. Instead, I found giant beer steins (actually, does that count as love?), an amazing sausage (an actual sausage, not whatever phallic thing you’re thinking of right now, pervert!), and a chance encounter with an Austrian man who befriended me, only to rob me later. Ah Germany, you treated me like a bad boyfriend. And like all bad boyfriends, I can’t wait to go back!
But alas, back to Des and her quest to find “liebe.” 4 years of German and I know the word for love! Yippy!
ABC provides our vying men with matching hoodies. Inside the hoodies I can only assume ABC stitched contact information for when they have one too many German brewskis. Chris Harrison shows up in Deutschland wearing a blue fashion scarf to explain that there will be one one-on-one date, a group date, and a two-on-one date. The guys head to their luxury hotel and I can’t help but think back to the hostel I stayed in complete with foreign roommates and foreign hair covering the pillow. Das ist nicht gut! (Translation: that is not good!)
One on One: Chris
Since it’s Des’ first time in Europe, Des and Chris are going to just explore Munich and act like tourists. Good idea Des, since you ARE tourists. A bit of advice, ja? Don’t set your purse down if you REALLY feel like polkaing. It might result in losing all the contents. Some of us had to learn that the hard way.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel Bryden is continuing his breakdown from last week’s episode. His feelings are not progressing as quickly as some of the other men. Bryden decides that rather than wait for Des’ date to end, he should go tell her immediately. Or at least one of the producers tells Bryden that’s a brilliant idea.
On the date, Des and Chris go to a sausage shop, try on lederhosen and attempt to fake polka in the streets. Or what I call, a Friday night in Milwaukee.
Bryden takes to the streets to ask random Germans if they have seen television cameras in the area. Kind of like the crew that’s following you around, Bry? Also, since I can only assume ABC sent him on this quest, can’t they at least just tell him where Des and Chris are pathetically skipping around in a circle? (Not the polka, folks. Not remotely.) Bryden crashes the date and steals Des away to tell her he won’t accept any more roses. Chris feels irritated that he might need to comfort Des when she comes back.
Bryden thanks ABC for fixing his “Caesar style” haircut and heads back to the States.
Chris and Des continue their date, first drinking huge steins and then going to a fancy ballroom for dinner. Des wears a gorgeous sparkly dress. Unfortunately Chris subjects Des to more elementary poetry, this time about the rose ceremonies. Rose ceremony poetry! Geez, he might as well write a poem about Chris Harrison! Do women actually like poetry? Because it makes me feel awkward. Rose for Chris. And for the fifth straight week, ABC sends Des and Chris to a private concert. I don’t understand why the private concert thing keeps happening? Does the Bachelor franchise have its own music label? If this is going to continue, could you please feature Rod Stewart, ABC? Thanks!
Group Date: Juan Pablo, James, Zak, Brooks, Drew, Mikey, #Kasey
That means the prosecutor and Ben will face the dreaded two-on-one date. The prosecutor vows to “kill” Ben. That ought to be good for his career. The prosecutor also plans on exposing Ben for the “fraud he is.” To be certain he wins his case on the date, Michael subpoenas all the other contestants, the Bachelor camera crew, and Ben’s 4 year old son as possible witnesses.
ABC has replaced the matching zip-up hoodies with matching coats and Ray Ban sunglasses for everyone. When did a free wardrobe become part of this show? The crew heads to the top of the highest peak in Germany via a gondola (jealous!) At the top of the mountain, they hear something that sort of sounds like my mom attempting to sing “The Lonely Goatherd” from the Sound of Music. Turns out, that sound was a yodeler, not my Mother. Riiiiiicoooollllaaa.
After everyone gets their yodel out, they get on some sleds and participate in liability sledding. Des crashes and Drew plummets right into her. Specifically into her kidneys. Des laughs it off and inside her kidney ruptures. Des says the activities bring her back to her childhood. You know how snowy California can get. And she also proclaims, “this is the happiest place on the earth.” All this time I was under the impression Disney World was the happiest place on earth!
The date concludes in an igloo, where all the contestants have to wear their ABC issued parkas, long underwear, snow pants, furry blankets and boots to prevent hypothermia. How sexy. As someone who spends 10 months a year shivering, the last thing I want to do is spend a date in an ice house. Brooks and Des steam up an ice room with a passionate make out session. Mikey and Des build a snowman outside. Des is floored that Mikey can build a snowman in like 30 seconds. Zak interrupts the snowman building by practicing his yodeling. Des finds this hilarious and tramples Mikey’s snowman to the ground as she runs to Zak. Zak’s teeth glow brighter than the snow-capped mountain tops and Zak says the last time he was in Germany he contemplated becoming a priest. When he found out he couldn’t run around naked, he decided the priesthood was not a good fit. Amen brother. Des lines up the remaining men, makes out with them and declares Brooks the best kisser, giving him the rose.
Two-on-One: The Prosecutor Michael and the one Michael wants to “kill” Ben
A limo picks up Michael and Ben. Ben wears the tightest pair of pants he can find. Michael wears his lucky button down shirt that got him his first “guilt” verdict. In the limo, Michael goes over the evidence that proves beyond a reasonable doubt that Ben is a fraud. The always thoughtful ABC stocks the limo full of hard liquor to make sure all parties are comfortable. Michael downs his bourbon while he ponders if he’ll have the opportunity to yell “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH” at Ben. Michael says that he will use his trial tactics to expose Ben as a fraud and as an impersonator of a southern gentleman. I can just see this arraignment:
Court: The Defendant is charged with count one: fraud, a felony offensive in violation of Statute blah blah blah and count two: impersonation of a southern gentleman, a felony offensive in violation of the law according to Scarlet O’Hara. How does the defendant plead?
Defendant Ben: Not guilty to counts one and two. Your honor, I ask that count two be dismissed and that the prosecutor be charged with prosecutorial misconduct. Scarlet O’Hara law was outlawed after the Emancipation Proclamation.
I digress. Ben blots his sweaty brow while ignoring Michael’s smoldering looks. They meet up with Des and they share some spiked hot chocolate on a bench. When they are nice and boozy, Des takes the guys to the MOST. AMAZING. THING. I. HAVE. EVER. SEEN. It requires shouty caps, it was that great. A hot tub that floats around a lake – a “hot tug.” How can I live in the coldest place EVER and not have one of those? Must purchase.
Of course the hot tug temperatures rose to an uncomfortable level when Michael began his “trial” tactics. Also known as bullying. Michael begins interrogating Ben, calling him an absentee father and relaying to Des how his own father abandoned his family, just like Ben. Ben bites his tongue (I feel like biting Michael).
Back at the hotel, Drew relays to the other guys that he heard James say that when he gets back to Chicago, he will have tall women lined up at the door (that’s like 3 levels of hearsay, in case anyone is wondering). He will take them on a boat and be intimate and he will be king of Chicago! Even without using a hit-man! He hopes he plays his cards right and can be the next Bachelor. Drew resolves to tell Des about the newest house fraud at the rose ceremony.
Back at the awkward two on one date, the trio heads to dinner. I notice Des is drinking A LOT. Michael begins his interrogation of Ben, asking why he has no friends in the house. Des tries to change the topic and asks what family traditions the guys want to start. Ben says he wants to go to church every Sunday as a family. Michael sees this as his opportunity to begin the impeachment process of Ben.
Michael: Why didn’t you go to church on Easter Sunday, like the rest of us?
Ben: I didn’t go because it was a Catholic ceremony and it was in German.
Michael: Well, that didn’t stop me from going and I worship the devil!
Ben: Easter is very important to me.
Michael: You didn’t talk to your son on Easter. I know because I creepily stalk you. And I’m obsessed with you. And I am an a-hole!
Ben: I’m choosing to invoke my fifth amendment rights.
Ben excuses himself from the table. Des scolds Michael for his attack on Ben. In Des’ most profound statement yet, she tells Michael, “just because you go to church doesn’t mean you’re close to God.” Preach it sister! She tells Michael he was too aggressive and is unsure if she could keep either of them.
Please, send Michael home. He is so annoying. He is the reason people dislike lawyers. Or get rid of them both. Adios amigos! Sadly, Des shows she is an awful judge of character and gives Michael a rose. After watching Michael act like a total sausage (insert different word), I really can’t believe he got a rose. I understand the guys don’t like Ben, but I certainly never saw Ben act like a villain.
In the rejection limo Ben asks when he can go in public with dates again. He also lets Hollywood know he’s available. He proclaims it’s time to go get drunk and live up his last night in Germany. Maybe this is the behavior the guys were talking about?
Des shows up looking absolutely beautiful at the rose ceremony. Her makeup was flawless, her hair was perfect, her dress was beautiful and I had serious earring envy. Chris spends the night with Des quizzing her about who is the best kisser (Brooks, she says). It sort of felt like a dad asking his daughter questions that should never be asked. Awkwarddddd. Chris offers to make out with Des to see if she thinks he’s better than Brooks. Des declines after recalling rumors that Chris made out with Emily.
Des has made up her mind and thus there is no need for a cocktail party. Drew fumes that he won’t be able to warn Des about Fraud 2.0 James. Ultimately, no rose for Mikey. Awww, I really grew to like Mikey and his ties to the mafia.
Next week the crew heads to Spain. Auf Wiedersehen!
As soon as I find out this week’s episode will take place in Atlantic City, all I can think about is Sex and the City and the much more colorful name Samantha calls Atlantic City. Think of a word that rhymes with City and means boobies. That show is so much more hilarious than this dreadful nightmare!
The 13 remaining men head to Atlantic City, where #hashtag Kasey keenly observes that this is just like Vegas…but on the ocean. Well put Kasey, well put. Nothing like stating the obvious, my tall-haired friend. The guys get to their Atlantic City hotel where they are thrilled to be away from the mansion and finally able to sleep in beds that Jake and Vienna never touched. Or the dude who wore the mask. Or Bentley. Or Ben and Courtney.
First One on One, Brad: Let our Love Shine Through (is that a reference to Brad’s propensity for domestics? Like a shiner? A black eye?)
They head to the Boardwalk where Brad admits that the reason he got into the domestic is because his ex found out he likes men, not women. Seriously, I do NOT believe this dude likes women. After riding some coasters, Des and Brad go to a salt water taffy and chocolate factory. After they get loaded up on sugar, they ride the carousel. Brad says in the most monotone, most FLAT affect voice I’ve ever heard “this has been fun.” Des enthusiastically agrees with a “yeah.”
You know when I say things are fun? Generally when they aren’t that fun. It’s sort of like listening to a lame story and replying, “that’s hilarious.” But you really don’t think it’s hilarious. Also, you know what sounds more fun than riding a carousel? Not riding a carousel.
There is a sand castle involved, a giant winter scarf, and a dinner with conversation as bland as unseasoned ground chuck. Des decides she doesn’t want to chance Brad pulling a Larry Craig, so he sends him packing. Well, first she makes him trek to the top of a lighthouse. Then, when she catches her breath she tells him a wide-stance can’t be in her future.
Group Date: I’m Looking for my Mister Right Brooks, Bryden, Zak W, Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Zack K, Mikey, Ben, Michael, Chris
On the group date, the men will be competing in a pageant for the title of Mr. America. Where has this date been all my life? This MUST become a regular date on this show. Des meets up with the men and Brooks says that Des is a “mystical creature. She’s like a unicorn.” Um ok. Moving on. Ms. America is also on the date and I can’t help but notice many of the men seem more into her than the unicorn. Michael is thrilled. He said, “as a young kid I often dreamed of becoming Mr. America.” Wait. What? Cue the groans.
The boys meet their pageant coach and start working on their talents. Chris realizes his real talent is showing off his perfectly sculpted (and what appears to be silky smooth) legs and therefore opts for a pair of stilettos. Aside from talent, the men will also face an interview round and of course, the reason we are watching, a swim-suit contest.
The men are assigned swimsuits. Some unfortunately have to wear Des’ swimsuit bottoms. Others get to sport much cuter ones straight from the 2013 Vineyard Vines catalog. Official swimsuit regulation rules: no inseam is allowed to be longer than 5 inches. Juan Pablo is thrilled to see his own banana hammock shipped all the way from Venezuela. That’s a relief. Ben is worried he doesn’t have the goods to fill out Des’ size 2 bikini bottoms. Mikey is devastated his suit is the regulated 5 inches and thus, Des’ won’t be able to fully appreciate his package.
Ladies and Gentleman, it’s time for the SHOW! Judging from the size of those suits, get out your dollar bills. The Almighty Chris is here to host in front of the live audience.
Q: In a relationship are you a giver or a taker?
A: I’m a giver. I’m a romantic. It’s why I wear my hair so high. Her love electrocutes me.
Q: If you could be water or fire, which would you be and why? A: Fire. It’s my responsibility to burn her.
Q: If you could be any animal what would you be? A: A cat. Meow.
Q: What relationships skills do you feel you need to improve upon and be specific.
A: Take her out to dinner more times than necessary. I don’t think it’s necessary for women to eat. At least not often.
Q: Explain your ideal woman.
A: She has to love my daughter. Oh yeah, Des, I have a kid. Did I forget to mention that? And she has to be a good dancer. Because we all know, intelligence, honestly, kindness–those things only get you so far.
Q: What is one thing most women do not understand about men, and why not?
A: Women just see me as a piece of meat. What they don’t understand is that under all that meat, is more meat. I cry inside. I like long walks on the beach, especially before a big ol’ glass of creatine.
Kasey tells an adorable story about tap dancing as a kid and then does a little tap. #thatwaskindofcute
After Mikey asks Des to see him as more than a piece of meat, he performs a dance act straight out of the movie Magic Mike, complete with dancing pecs, an oiled up body, and handstand push-ups. Mikey is disappointed when he realizes his only dollar came from Brad.
Brooks brings a ukulele made for a three-year old and sings an impromptu song about his white swimsuit. In true rocker fashion, he smashes his (what I can only assume is his niece’s) uke.
Ben has no talent except annoying people and the Judges decided that wouldn’t be acceptable. So they give him a pair of rhythmic gymnastic ribbons and he receives three pity claps.
Drew reads Shakespeare to Des while wearing a giant over-sized coat. Des’ thinks it’s a line from Clueless and likes it.
His legs. Wow. How are they so slender and shapely!? Can I have a pair please? Chris’ silky smooth legs come out in 5 inch heels, a tiny pair of shorts, and hula hoops on top. Adorbs.
Bryden tried to “Magic Mike” it too but completely failed. Thrusting your junk into Des’ face over and over again is not a talent. It was like a dog. He might as well have peed on a fire hydrant.
Zak shocks all of America when he reveals he actually HAS talent! He plays her a sweet little song on the gee-tar and Des swoons. Bryden regrets the air-humping.
Drew looks amazing. I actually wanted to rewind. Mikey comes out, like a meat-head. Zak W’s red swimsuit will scar me for life. Brooks looks scrawny but did some pretty awesome poses. Ben found a sock in the dressing room right before he came on stage. Zack blew a kiss and the viewing audience at home wondered who he was.
Finally, it’s time to tally the votes. Second runner-up: Brooks. First runner-up: Zak W. And the winner and the FIRST EVER Mr. Bachelor America: Kasey! Kasey wonders if he can go on a date with the actual Ms. America as his prize. #seriously.
Thank you ABC for finally making a date worth my time! After the pageant, the party heads to an indoor pool (yuck). Chris pulls her aside to tell her that he writes poetry. He shares with her the following poem:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Ben’s kind of a tool
And a pretty big fool.
Des thinks the poem is very good and makes out with him. Bryden seconds the poem. He hates Ben too. Meanwhile, back at the hotel, James takes a manly bubble-bath and sips some champagne.
Zak W. gets the rose.
Second One on One Date: James - Can Our Love Weather the Storm
Out of respect for the people impacted by Sandy, I’m not even going to talk about this date. I think it’s absurd that ABC is using a show like the Bachelorette, the least serious show to ever exist, to showcase a natural disaster. It’s not the venue. If ABC wants to do a special on Sandy and how to help out, fine do that. But don’t act like this is somehow HELPING victims of Sandy. This is not the nightly news. This is not dateline. If ABC REALLY wanted to help, they would have helped. They could have had the guys go on a group date and rebuild things, clean, work at a shelter, etc. Instead, they had Des tour the damage like she was freakin’ Barack Obama! Sorry ABC, but this felt exploitative.
James got a rose.
At the rose ceremony, Bryden was completely disinterested in Des and seemed like he was ready to saddle up his horse and head back to Montana. Sadly Des was completely unaware of this and sent Zack K went home. Man, I don’t even know who that guy is!
Next week the gang is headed to Germany, where Des hopes to fall in love with a nice German lad. Oh ja. Sehr gut! Meanwhile, Juan Pablo hopes to find a beautiful Italian lady. Ciao, Bella.
And just like that, it’s week three. For some of the contestants, they are already in love *cough* Brandon. Des is starting to realize that some of the contestants are too much for her to handle *cough* Brandon again. And for one contestant, we learn he has awful judgment when it comes to ex-girlfriends, *cough* Brian. And LOTS of the contestants need major hair help *cough* Kasey, Zak, and Brayden. Buckle-up cowboys, it’s gonna be a rough ride this week!
The boys show up in their athletic gear and find out they will be playing dodgeball. A professional dodgeball team is there, ready to do what everyone in America wanted to do as soon as these men came out of the limo: throw balls at them as hard as possible. I half expected the professional players to yell, “that’s for all women in America!”
Chris Harrison shows up, pretty in plaid, to announce that they will battle each other. The winning team wins a date with Bachelorette Emily. I mean Des. But secretly, they were hoping Emily. The boys put on matching outfits, meant for 5 year olds, and Des is left evaluating who has the fullest package (umm that appears to be Mikey. Just sayin’). During the game, the men comment repeatedly that there were “balls flying” everywhere. Yeah, you ain’t kidding! Blue team won the first round. Red team won the second team. This final game was for all the marbles. Or as the federal prosecutor explains, in this case marbles represent Des. Thanks for clearing that up.
Unfortunately, one of the testosterone-filled men chucked a ball at Brooks’ finger, sending him to the ER. Ultimately the blue team won but surprise surprise, Des invites everyone along to the after party. Meanwhile, when Brooks gains consciousness, he gets a script for pain killers and plans on selling them back at the house. He knows Mikey will know someone interested in buying.
At the after party, Des pulls Brad away. And unfortunately she does not send him away.
Brad tells Des that he has a three-year old son named Maddox. He also admits that he may or may not beat women. Turns out Brad was arrested for domestic violence and a restraining order was issued. Brad announces the silver lining is that the charges were ultimately dropped. Send. Him. Home. RIGHT. NOW.
One of my favorite things I ever heard Oprah say was when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Or, when someone tells you who they are, believe them. Des, he just told you who he is. Believe him. This dude is BAD NEWS. Most (and I mean most) of domestic violence charges are ultimately dropped because the victim ends up recanting their statement out of fear. On a side note, ladies, if a man tells you his first wife mysteriously died, please run. Don’t walk. Run. Anyway, Brad, you gotta go.
Chris steals Des away and takes her to the roof (PS – where has Chris been,?! He’s totally adorbs!) Brooks shows up upon discharge from the hospital, hopped up on drugs and loving it. Date rose goes to Chris. In typical, predictable fashion, Chris and Des head to private concert.
Things less predictable than the Bachelor:
The sun will rise every day
It will snow in Minnesota sometime every year
Babies will turn into adults
The sun will set every day
I will get a blister if I run more than 4 miles
The next day, Des is back at her house, sketching (obviously) when the phone rings. It’s the Almighty Chris Harrison. Des learns that Brian has a girl friend. The HORRORS! Dun dun dun. Des puts on the WORST pair of flesh-colored pants I’ve ever seen. I mean, really, they were the WORST pants! She heads to the mansion to confront Brian. Meanwhile, Chris leads Brian’s “girl friend,” Stephanie, through the mansion so that she too can try to become famous for a hot second confront Brian.
Stephanie accuses Brian of lying. Brian says their relationship is in the past. Stephanie says she tried to break up with him a day before he came on the show. Well then why do you care Steph!? And also, you later claim you didn’t know he was coming on the show, yet you just said you tried to break up with him the day before he came on the show. Get it straight Steph! Steph tries to work up hysterics and starts asking why he does not care about Donovan! Think about Donovan! Donovan is Steph’s kid (although, he’s not Brian’s child). Steph says Brian told him he was headed to a business conference. Then she accuses Brian of picking up girls at strip clubs. Seriously, what is this. Springer?
Brian tells Chris that Steph threw rocks at his face. Steph proudly agrees that she did in fact throw rocks at his face. I instantly think that Steph took that trashy bumper sticker too literally:
They accuse each other of dating other people, and Stephanie again says she tried to break up with him. Ok, then Stephanie, you are broken up! Leave! You look psychotic. And Brian, you must go too. Not because I actually think you are still with this psychopath, but because you apparently continued to date her after she threw ROCKS at you. ROCKS! Man, I got in trouble for threatening to throw spaghetti at my sister once. Could you imagine if it were rocks? Anyway, Des and Chris Harrison decide Brian’s time is up. They call in security and escort Brian to the big black van. As Brian hastily packs, we get a glimpse into the nasty cesspool where the guys sleep. I can’t imagine what that filth smells like.
Steph screams one more time “what should she tell Donovan!!!!” Then she happily waves goodbye to the camera.
Meanwhile, severely unstable Brandon starts crying when he thinks of poor Donovan. He does not want anyone else to leave him. ABC, this is a low blow. This dude needs major psychological help. He should join a support group with AshLee.
Des awkwardly leaves for the one-on-one date with #hashtag Kasey.
Kasey: Love Defies Gravity (umm, actually no it does not)
This date is pretttty boring. So my comments will be brief and mostly will be about Kasey’s hair. Seriously, it’s sooo spiky and tall.
All that hair reminded me of one of my favorite childhood movies, Airplane. One of the characters sniffed glue and he looked like this after:
But my mom thought that maybe Kasey was a descendant of a porcupine:
But either way if you are compared to a glue sniffer or a porcupine, it’s probably time for a different hair style. Rose for Kasey.
Group Date: Who’s the Lone Man Standing?
A stage-coach picks up the group (Zak, Bryden, Juan Pablo, James, Dan).
The guys show up (no pun intended for this Wild West date!) to find Des in clothes from the Wild West/ American Frontier era. James, clearly not a history buff, proclaims Des is in clothes from the 1900′s. So close James, so close. The boys change into some cowboy clothes (some of their pants are threatening the family jewels). Yeehaw. They learn some stunts and we learn that Zak, also a victim of spiky/ tall hair, looks much better in a hat. The boys reenact a shootout and Des chooses Juan Pablo as the lone ranger. Juan Pablo and Des have some alone time watching some creepy movie in a barn featuring a cowboy with a clown-face. Romance!
At the after party, Bryden displays a MUCH better hair style. Is the theme of this post “hair”? I seem to be obsessed. Zak and Des have a playful, lighthearted convo. They are either both drunk (likely) or already have a strong bond (less likely). James tells Des his father is dying back home. I wish Des would send James home right now. He should be with his family, not on this dumb show! But alas, a rose for James.
Instead of a cocktail party, Des realizes she needs to work on her tan. She throws a pool party. But first she goes on a drive with Ben and makes out with him in her Bentley. For a second straight time, Ben finishes kissing Des and says, “remember, it’s our secret.” Ew. That’s what a sexual predator says to a victim. Don’t tell mommy or daddy! This is our little secret! Yuck. Unfortunately, the federal prosecutor and Mikey, both still obsessed with Ben, “catch” Ben kissing Des. These dudes need a life. Once again, they confront Ben. It’s not even worth writing about.
Unstable Brandon pulls Des aside for his 12th cry of the day. He tells Des how upset he is over Brian’s unconscionable decision to come on this show without considering Stephanie’s child. Brandon tells her he’s falling in love with her. Cue the groans. We realize Brandon is creepier than “guard and protect her heart,” Casey. Then, in the most awkward kiss this season, Brandon tells Des he needs to tell her a secret. Des actually thinks he’s telling her a secret so she turns her head but really Brandon went in for a kiss. Yikes.
Des realizes Brandon needs immediate psychiatric attention and puts Brandon in touch with AshLee’s shrink. ABC gives Brandon a tranquilizer before the rose ceremony and removes all sharp objects (except Kasey’s hair) from the house. Des sends Brandon and Dan home.
Brandon is in shock. He tells Des she is making a giant mistake. Or dodging a giant bullet. All a matter of perspective, folks! Brandon, please, please please, call AshLee. It’s a match made in Bachelor heaven!
It’s week two on Des’ quest to find “true love.” Or fame. Or Chris Harrison. Or a new wardrobe. Chris Harrison greets the men the morning after the first rose ceremony. He has to side-step a pile of vomit where The Dipper threw up (recall, the dipper failed miserably at dipping Des and then drowned his sorrows in some sort of amber-colored liquor.) Chris Harrison comes in to explain how the show operates, in case any of these men have never seen an episode in the past 57 years. Brooks is the lucky fella who gets the first one on one date.
First one on one: Brooks
Brooks borrows some of Des’ hair product to slick his hair back for the date. Des whisks him away in her barbie blue convertible and off they go. PS- Brooks was genius to wear all that product in his hair. It didn’t move an inch in that dreadful convertible wind! Also, I have to say I think Brooks is mildly adorable. At least looking – I am not comfortable commenting on his personality yet (which I’ll probably dislike!)
Des takes Brooks to a bridal salon. Gosh, every man’s dream – shopping and weddings. After they get suited up in a tux and wedding dress, they did what everyone always does on first dates. They hit up a wedding cake food truck and hang out with some Bachelor franchise fans. Like every season before, ABC sends Des and Brooks to the Hollywood sign. While Brooks tells Des about his past relationships, I realize his outfit reminds me of a cross between a movie theater usher and Colonel Sanders. Fried chicken and buttered popcorn would make this date so much more interesting.
The date continues through the ghetto of LA. They drive to a bridge where chandeliers hang and dinner is set for two. I can only assume that location was chosen because it’s such an unsafe neighborhood that no cars travel across the bridge or the bridge is unsafe for vehicles. Either way, it’s odd. Brooks opens up about his troubled relationship with his father. He’s very articulate. Brooks for Bachelor!!!! Brooks get a rose. Then, when I think the date is over, Des feigns surprise as she hears music in the distance. In more predictable Bachelor fashion, ABC has a private concert staged for the date. I can’t tell you how many first dates I’ve been on where a band appears. Yawn.
Back at the mansion, the date card comes. A million people we don’t remember from the first night are listed on the card.
Des puts on the worst dress possible paired with the ugliest shoes. I guess that’s supposed to be her rapper’s girlfriend dress? I don’t know. All I know is this date will haunt me for the rest of my life. The boys and Dezzz (her new rap name) will star in a rap video with Soulja Boy. The rap video is called “for the right reasons.” This is the most G rated rap song I’ve ever heard. Some of the men (really really white men) stay behind to learn dance moves and four guys go inside to be the rap stars.
Brandon decides he doesn’t need to wear pants. ABC decides a black privacy box is necessary or else the FCC will come calling. Kate decides Brandon needs to go home immediately.
The first rap scene is Ben and Des dressed up in cowboy gear. Nothing says rap/ hip-hop like cowboys! Giddy up, Dezzz. Second scene is Mikey in a lounge chair and Dezzz in a bikini. Third scene is federal prosecutor Michael, who is a self-proclaimed white boy. And finally, we are subjected to Brandon and the very very necessary black privacy bar. I just do not understand why he wasn’t wearing pants. Please. Put. Pants. On. Dezz does some lame rap and I sigh that I’ll never get these 30 minutes back.
At the “rap” party (pun intended) ABC ensures the guys have plenty of alcohol to drink so they can properly embarrass themselves. Shirtless dude, Zak, pulls Des aside and gives her an antique journal. There is an inscription from a father to his daughter wishing her free flowing words. I sure hope that father didn’t see this episode. I think he’d be pretty disappointed to see his daughter did not have one single free flowing thought.
Meanwhile, Brandon starts to exhibit craziness. He says love is like a butterfly. If you hold it too tight, it will get squished, if you hold it too loose, it will fly away.
Ben “swoops” in and steals Des from Mikey. Mikey goes on a campaign to rally all other men against Ben. Mikey proclaims he is the one with the biggest neck, uses the most steroids, has the most mob connections and thus should win all the roses from this day forward. Or else a horse head might end up in your bed.
Brandon shows his crazy again by talking about his dysfunctional family/ upbringing. Brandon says he didn’t expect to “fall in like with her this soon.” You read that right, fall in like. Cue the groans. Ben gets the group date rose. Mike calls the don to start the hit against Ben. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta mobster.
Second one on one- Bryden and his bad hair
Worst. Haircut. Ever. Bryden and Des take off in the Bentley for a road trip. Bryden is sporting a yellow v-neck, nipples blazing. Seriously. If your nipples show that much, maybe an undershirt is necessary? Des has on the cutest hot pink dress. That’s all I really take away from this date.
Blah blah blah. Bryden tells Des about a terrible car accident he was in and shows her pictures of his severe head injuries. Romance and head staples go very well together. Rose for Bryden.
Brian’s hair is so slicked back I can only assume he runs a funeral home or is starring in a production of the Addams family later. Prosecutor Michael pulls Des aside to tell her life altering information. He hopes she can handle it. She may never look at him again. This will change the course of their relationship. He is a person with….type 1 diabetes. GASP! The horrors! Ok, that’s sarcasm. I’m not downplaying the seriousness of diabetes, but I mean come on. Meanwhile, Mikey is back to plotting against Ben. He downloads the app “what would Don Corleone do,” just to be safe.
Ben comes in and steals Des from Michael, who yells, “I object!” Ben schmoozes Des by telling her he’s so happy they have a secret together– the secret being they shared a kiss together. Oddly enough Des also shares this “secret” with Brooks and Bryden. (Sidenote – why do all the men “in on the secret” have names that start with a B?!) I got a major used car salesman vibe from Ben during this scene.
Michael the prosecutor demonstrates his jealousy and insecurity by attacking Ben. They are so appalled that Ben could possibly want more time with Des. How DARE he! He wants to spend time with Des??? Well he MUST be there for the wrong reasons!
Additional roses went to James, #Kasey, Dan, Juan Pablo, Brad, Chris, Craig, Zak, Drew, Mikey, Zack, Michael and Brandon.
Ladies and Gentleman, the greatest trashiest show to ever grace prime time is BACK starring Sean’s reject Desiree (Des for short ’cause we’re BFF like that). It’s been two and a half months since Chris Harrison spent Monday night with us. So much has happened in that time. The Bachelor mansion was thoroughly sanitized after ABC executives inspected with a black light. Catherine and Sean are still in a fake relationship. Emotionally damaged AshLee has found new love in angry, but incredibly good-looking Brad (circa Em and Deanna). Let’s hope “this man” has a good set of earplugs. And last but not least, ABC scoured Craigstlist for the creepiest men under the age of 35 to present to Des.
To refresh your recollection, here’s what we know about Des:
Her brother might be certifiable (and he most certainly ruined Des’ relationship with Sean)
Her parents have been married forever and they are still totally like majorly in love
She grew up in a tent
She no longer has bangs (those were so 2012, come on)
She drives a beat up silver Honda Civic (That is until the Almighty Chris Harrison saves the day and generously gives Des the most adorable aqua Bentley convertible ever created). Side note: I would totally sign up for this show if it meant I could drive a car that seems like it was made for Barbie
She is NOT that kind of girl.
The show starts in a predictable fashion. First, a montage of all the drama poor Des must endure to find her fake boyfriend for six months tops prince charming. Someone has a girlfriend, someone isn’t there for the right reasons, someone is more into guys than girls, someone wishes Emily was the Bachelorette, someone is hoping their lame band will become successful, etc. Second, we see a montage of Des falling in love. ABC realizes this part is boring so they speed through the love portion. Next ABC makes us all relive Des’ rejection from Sean (where we are also reminded that bangs are definitely the right choice for Des).
Chris gives her the fun and adorable Bentley convertible that I’m sure Elle Woods would approve of and sends Des down the highway of love. After I get over my car envy (I mean, it’s not like my Hyundai Elantra isn’t great or anything…) I refocus on the horror before my screen. The most annoying song is playing, something like isn’t she cray- cray – crazy beautifullll over the most annoying montage ever. We’re forced to watch Des roller skate, chase birds, shop for junk, pensively stroll on the beach, and sketch palm trees. I’m suddenly very nostalgic for Sean’s abs, pecs and countless shower scenes. Those were much more interesting.
Des calls herself Cinderella one too many times and puts on her most sparkly disco-ball dress she has in the closet. Bring on the men. Or whatever you want to call these people.
The slim pickings prospects
Since there were so many losers colorful characters (seriously, is this the most lame group of bachelors ever compiled?) I decided to only highlight the most memorable dudes.
The Magic Guy
Nick from Chicago. Magic Nick’s name is pretty self-explanatory. He has two passions in life- making magic and making fine Italian suits. Speaking of Italian, Magic Nick might be a long-lost Italian cousin of the Baldwins. Proof that Nick knows nothing about women, he says he hopes Des can be his [magician] assistant. Gee, every girl’s fairy tale come true!
The Naked Guy
Zak from the middle of no where. You know what I love about Zak? He fulfills every girl’s fantasy about meeting her husband. Just imagine the story Des can tell: The first time I saw my future husband he pulled up in a stretch limo. I was dressed in a long formal, sparkling silver gown. He stepped out and I saw his tux-clad legs and as his abs were a blazing. He came up to me and uttered the words I found irresistable, “will you accept these abs?” I nearly melted. How romantic. He was so eager to see me he couldn’t even bother to put on a shirt. Unfortunately he had to leave at 11:00 PM to get to his Chip ‘n’ Dale performance. But first he took his pants off and jumped in the pool– just so I knew how serious he was about me.
The I Want to Rape-Date You Guy
Jonathon from North Carolina. Nothing says southern gentleman than an attempt at rape-date. Seriously. This guy is creeptastic. Jonathon playfully handed Des a card when he exited the limo asking her to join him in the fantasy suite. At first it seemed mildly amusing until the conversation turned to this:
Jonathon: Des, I think we should make out.
Des: No, I told you, I am not that kind of girl.
Jonathon: Ok, but seriously, I want to take you to the fantasy suite. I want to creep you out.
Des: Seriously, stop. You have the wrong idea.
Jonathon: Wrong ideas seem so right. Come in this dark room with me. I have a ruffie ready for you to take.
Des: You need to leave. Right now.
On his way to the reject van, Jonathan can’t comprehend what went wrong. He says, “my mom says I’m good-looking.” Well gee Jonathon, if your mom says you’re good-looking, I guess that gives you a license to sexually harass people! PS – you can’t trust people who don’t smile in photos.
The Dip Guy
Larry from Cali. Oh Larry. You are a dip. Poor Larry practiced with 50 different women to perfect the art of dipping a woman. Unfortunately, the 51st time isn’t the charm. Lar stepped out of the limo, twirled Des around and went in for the dip. And dip he did. Des’ dress got all tangled up, ripped and she looked beyond perturbed. Larry had a solution though. Alcohol. Poor guy went into the mansion, drank all the free liquor he could get and then tried to talk to Des about the dip disaster. The conversation consisted of Larry taking his glasses on and off. And on and off again. And on and off again. The Dipper felt relieved that Rape-Date guy was around to make himself look mildly better. Maybe stick to a handshake next time Larry. And contact lenses.
The Hashtag Guy:
Kasey from Cali. Wow. As I’m writing this list, I thought to myself could these guys get any worse? Does ABC secretly hate Des? Why did they do this to her? Anyway, before we proceed, I need to explain what a hashtag is to my Mother. Mom, click here for a hashtag lesson. This guy claimed to be some sort of social media buff and as a result, he felt the need to add a hashtag to everything. #annoying. #nowaywilldeseverpickyou. #hashtagsaresolastyear. #pleaseneversayhashtagagain. And yes mom, when you hashtag, it’s all one word. #hashtaglesson
The Knight Guy:
Diogo from Cali. I just saw on his bio that he is 20 years old. WHAT? Why was he even allowed on the show? Don’t you need to be 21? Alcohol flows like water! UGH! Cue the groans! This guy isn’t ready to get married. This guy is ready to purchase his first legal beverage! Anyway, Diogo showed up in a knight in shining armor costume. Cue some more groans. He could barely walk or see. Honey, I’m just gonna put this out there. I think Des wants a partner, not a knight. Des isn’t in need of rescuing or saving. She’s not a helpless dame trapped in a tower. And also, this isn’t a Disney movie. Take your white horse and hit the road.
The Child Exploiter Guy:
Ben from Texas. Ben is cute. I’ll give him that. But that’s all I’m giving him. Well, and his son was adorable. But that’s where the flattery ends. Ben used his child to introduce himself to Des. That’s not confusing at all for a three-year old. Not to mention Ben said he had his child with a good friend. As though it was just some random act. Like, hey feel like grabbing a beer tonight? No? Ok, well do you want to have a baby instead? Ok great! And if the promos are to be believed, Ben is the new Bentley. Oooo I love me a good villain!
The rest of the guys didn’t act bizarre enough to make the above list. But man, Des’ options are l.i.m.i.t.e.d. I think she should quit the show and wait until Sean’s abs become available again. See you next week!!!!!
SPOILER ALERT: In the most dramatic rose ceremony EVER in Bachelor history, Sean chooses…. CHRIS HARRISON! I know, I was just as shocked.
But really, hope you’re comfy – we’ve got three hours of pure Bachelor bliss ahead. In case you were wondering (don’t kid yourself, I KNOW you were wondering) these things can also be accomplished in three short hours:
Roast a 16 pound turkey
Watch Dirty Dancing 1.7 times
Take a three hour nap
Run 20 miles
Read “The Great Gatsby”
Finally learn what exactly the Rule Against Perpetuities means (seriously, I’ll never totally get it)
Birth a child
But this is more special than that. You get to watch Sean find fame love in three short hours!
The episode starts with Sean’s picture perfect family in Thailand to meet his final two ladies. Seriously, who is this family? The Stepford Family? The are all PERFECT! It’s a little weird. Sean’s totally adorable niece and nephew are there ready to evaluate the women. The nephew kindly reminds Sean that “Emily didn’t pick you!” I love these kids! Anyway, Catherine is up first.
As Catherine gets out of the ABC van, she tells the camera she’s just a “ball of nerves.” Is that different than a bundle of nerves? Either way, she’s nervous! Sean’s family is incredibly warm and inviting. Momma Sherry pulls Catherine aside to get to know more about her and hear about Catherine and Sean’s connection. Catherine tells Momma about the notes she passes Sean. Momma Sherry warns Catherine not to pass notes in math class lest she wants a detention! Mamma gives Catherine her stamp of apporval and sends her off to talk to Sean’s Dad the sweetest man in the world.
Sean’s Dad sits Catherine down to have a chat and Catherine tells Dadio she is “consumed by [Sean].” That’s not at ALL awkward to say to your possible Father-in-Law. Geez, why not just tell him you love to rub your tongue all over his pectorals while you’re at it Catherine! But what Sean’s dad said next, in all seriousness, was the nicest thing I have EVER heard on this show. I almost shed a tear. I say almost, because I would have shed a tear had I not been yelling stuff in my man voice (a story for a different time). Anyway, Sean’s dad says to Catherine if she joins the family, “you will never have a bigger fan than me. I will love you like my daughter.” Oh. My. Gosh. I can’t even make fun of this exchange because it was just so sweet.
Lindsay practices her baby voice all night to make sure it’s just right for Sean’s family. When it’s perfect, she heads off to meet the picture perfect Lowes (at this point, my Bachelor party got distracted by Sean’s last name and needed to immediately confirm that he was not some sort of heir to the Lowe’s store. If he was, I was about to get majorly upset that I missed my opportunity with Sean. But, as far as we know, there’s no connection. Phew.)
Lindsay keeps flailing her head back while she talks to Sean’s family about her journey with Sean. Seriously, why does she keep putting her head back? Are there answers written on the ceiling? Pappa Jay sits down with Lindsay to ask the tough questions. Immediately I am distracted by Jay’s HOT PINK v-neck t-shirt that he’s rocking underneath his blue button-down. Looks like someone’s been at home shopping in Sean’s closet! Jay tells Lindsay that on the day Sean was born, Sherry and Jay started praying for Sean’s wife. Man, Jay strikes again! Who is this man? Maybe he should have a talk show.
Lindsay very awkwardly asks Jay if she can have Sean’s hand in marriage. Then she bursts out hysterically laughing. I can’t figure out if she is joking or if she’s just drunk again. Tough call.
Debrief with The Cleavers
Surprise surprise, the Cleavers like both girls and have nothing negative to say. Man, if this were my family we would probably tolerate one and hate the other. Seriously, are these people normal?! They are so nice. The only one with any sense of reality seems to be Momma Sherry who kindly urges Sean not to propose to someone if he can’t decide between the girls with only 48 hours remaining. Is it just me or would you resent your future husband if he didn’t know if he should propose to you or SOMEONE ELSE just 48 hours before he pops the question? Momma can’t take it anymore and starts to crack, pleading with Sean not to propose unless he’s absolutely certain.
Apparently Sean can become certain in 48 hours. Sean puts on his tightest neon blue man-tank and sets out on his last two dates.
Last Date with Lindsay
Teeny-tiny Lindsay shows up in her matching tank (twinsies!) and shorty shorts. For the date Sean has arranged a float down the muddiest river I’ve ever seen on Tom Sawyer’s raft. I expected Jim to appear any minute. Sean takes the opportunity to stick his tongue down Lindsay’s throat a few more times (when in Rome!) probably fully knowing that he’s not going to marry her. Later, Sean and Lindsay discuss how they’ll look when they are old. Sean tells Lindsay he can picture her as “some hot old chick.” Lindsay thinks this is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said so she responds with “I love you.” Nothing says romance like being told you’ll be a hot old chick someday.
Sean puts on his requisite v-neck for the evening portion of the date, while Lindsay is dressed like she’s attending a wedding. Not. On. The. Same. Page. Lindsay reminds Sean that he has everything she’s ever wanted in a husband. She tells Sean she “doesn’t know what she would do if she lost [him].” Oh Lindsay, I have a feeling you’ll soon find out what you’ll do. The two make out some more and Lindsay says the reason they kiss so much is because “that’s how he can really express himself to [her] right now.” Right. I’m sure that’s it. Poor girl, just a fool in love.
Lindsay and Sean end the night outside polluting the earth sending three lanterns into the air representing family, happiness and love. Sean says, “at this moment, I really think she’s the one for me.” Nothing says love like a qualifying statement! As the lanterns float away, so does Lindsay’s shot at the Neil Lane.
Last Date with Catherine
Sean puts on his deep-v purple shirt to greet Catherine. Instead of a boring float down the dirtiest river ever, Catherine and Sean get to ride elephants! Catherine says that even though she feels unstable on the elephant, Sean is there to make her feel stable. CUE. THE. GROANS. I’m sure he’ll come in handy when you fall off and your skull is cracked in two.
Catherine and Sean head back to Catherine’s ABC sponsored room so they can discuss their feelings some more. Catherine explains she is nervous to express her feelings knowing Sean can’t fully express his. But she knows what’s at stake (free ring, free wedding, expensive divorce) so she’s willing to open up. At the end of the night, Catherine tells Sean she doesn’t want him to leave. Catherine nervously and nearly silently whispers to Sean as he’s walking out the door, “Sean, I love you.” Wow – what conviction! For some reason the conversation remains in hushed tones until Sean leaves. Catherine starts to panic when Sean leaves and chases after him. Sean asks “what’s the matter.” Well gee Sean, maybe it’s because you are dating someone else and I don’t know if you’ll propose to me or her tomorrow? Maybe that’s what’s the matter? Catherine feels frustrated by Sean’s lack of reciprocation and collapses on her canopy bed, distraught by the thought of losing Sean. It is just me or does that canopy look super annoying? What if you have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and you get all tangled up? Catherine takes some of AshLee’s left over Xanax and passes out.
Suddenly Sean wakes up that morning and realizes there is one woman he can’t live without. PHEW – he figured that out right in the nick of time! Luckily, as Sean makes this realization, Neil Lane and his creepy chest hair arrive at the door with a bevy of gaudy rings! How much does ABC pay Neil for this? Does this really generate business for him? Is this what conversations are like at Neil Lane’s store?
Random 23 year old girl: So I like totally saw this halo diamond that was 3.7 carats and Brad was like almost going to pick it for Deanna but then he didn’t pick it because he didn’t pick any girl and I was like totally thinking, like, I could get that ring.
Neil Lane: Ok that will be 20,000 dollars.
Random 23 year old girl: I thought you like gave those out for like free?
Neil Lane: No, ABC pays me for them.
Ironically, Sean chose the cushion cut diamond in a halo setting, which was exactly what AshLee asked for! Too bad the ring’s not for you, Ash. Too bad. Meanwhile, the girls went shopping together to get matching metallic dresses for the big day. Unfortunately for Lindsay, Catherine picked out the gold one first, securing the Oscar. Or at least the Oscar look. Both girls reflect on how perfect they are for Sean and how amazing their lives will be. Blah Blah Blah.
Sean is distraught over the thought of breaking one girl’s heart. He sheds more tears than Jason Mesnick. First out of the limo? Lindsay. Ouch. I wonder if she instantly regretted wearing such a bad dress and even WORSE shoes. It reminded me of a mermaid. After Lindsay makes the long walk to Sean, Sean begins his speech praising Lindsay, telling her how she blew him away and then throws in the heart-wrenching BUT. Sean tells Lindsay that until yesterday, he didn’t know what he was doing. Again, if I am Catherine, I would be one ticked-off-Neil-Lane-sporting chica. Sean tells Lindsay he must say goodbye, but not before telling her how incredible she is and that he loves her. He says, “that’s the thing, I love you. I love you.” Cue. The Groans. SEAN! You can’t tell someone for the first time that you love them, as you’re kicking them to the curb! Keep it to yourself.
Lindsay maintains incredible composure and dignity. Lindsay tells Sean she is happy he found love but she can’t imagine her life without him. Lindsay says goodbye to Sean, takes off her heels, and treks back to the rejection limo. If you’re going to be rejected, at least do it in comfort! Lindsay starts to break down in the limo, stating “yeah, let’s just dangle everything I’ve ever wanted, right in front of my face, and then just take it away. Please, yes, let’s do that. ‘Cause (sic) that’s exactly what I’ve always wanted.” Well, it only took Lindsay the entire season to realize the premise of the show. Kudos to Lindsay. Lindsay continues, “In a sick twisted place in my head, I’m happy for them.” I don’t know if that makes you sick and twisted Lindsay, I think that just makes you sweet. I don’t think Lindsay will be single for long.
In a typical move by ABC, Chris Harrison hands Sean a letter right before Catherine’s appearance, teasing the viewers with the possibility that Catherine has cold-feet. Whatever ABC – your antics are tired. And surprise surprise, it was a love letter and nothing more. By the time Catherine arrives to Sean, the sun is setting (seriously, how long did this take to film?) Sean tells Catherine she never ceases to amaze him and he thinks the world of her. He says he misses her when they say goodbye and he doesn’t want to say goodbye anymore. Is that a line from a chick-flick? Sean drops to one knee, Catherine begins to hyperventilate, sweat, and shake, and says yes to the Neil Lane. Catherine says, “oh my gosh, is this for real?” And Sean assures her it is real, at least until the break up in 6 months. Sean has one final question for Catherine, “Catherine, will you accept my final rose?” Catherine says yes.
The two ride happily into the sunset, on elephant back. Catherine gropes Sean’s muscles, asking repeatedly “I get this?! I get this!?” He says, “yep, I’m your beefcake.” Catherine laughs and says, oh my gosh, how long ago did I say that? Well, I’d venture to guess it was maybe 4 weeks ago? This relationship SCREAMS longevity!
Another successful ABC love story folks. This is what fairy tales are made of. ATFR will be up later this week!
It’s the Women Tell Nothing All show. What will we learn tonight? Will we learn why Tierra has a dent on her forehead? Will we learn why Tierra can’t control her eyebrow? Will we learn what Kacie B’s next desperate act will be? Will we learn what AshLee DOES consider a silly game? Will we learn if Sean prefers waxing or shaving to obtain that smooth torso? Will we learn if Des cut her brother out of the will? Or will we only confirm that which we already know: Tierra is delusional, AshLee is a mean girl, Sarah has the personality of a slug (I don’t even know what that means, but I can only argue a slug has no personality at all), the fifty shade of intoxication girl is still single, and Leslie has nice hair. Only time will tell, friends!
The Almighty Chris Harrison greeted his live viewing audience, consisting of middle-aged women and three men (what did those men do wrong to end up there?) and the drunk rejected Bachelorettes. Chris sported the most hideous 80′s tie I’ve ever seen. Come on Chris, you’re better than that!
Chris rolls footage of Sean crashing Bachelor viewing parties. Instantly, I look around the room at my viewing party: three ladies, all wearing sweatpants, sweatshirts, no make-up, and we’ve each just consumed two giant bowls of chili. Sean wouldn’t even be able to HANDLE all that sexy. For Sean’s sake, I silently prayed the doorbell wouldn’t ring. Sean’s crashing continues to various locations, including a party full of middle school girls and a sorority house (that wasn’t annoying AT ALL!). Sean says he “humbled” by all these people invested in his quest to find love. He cannot believe all these people care about his journey to find his wife. Oh Sean, that’s so naive sweet that you think that’s why people watch this show…
Back at the live studio audience, the rejected Bachelorettes are introduced to the audience. It appears all the girls went to the same blow-out bar prior to the show’s taping. Long loose curls all around!
First in the hot seat: Tierra and her eyebrow
Tierra shows up wearing an old shower curtain she DIYed into a dress. Unfortunately she ran out of material and had to leave a half-circle cut-out right below her boobs. I hate it when that happens!
CH begins his direct examination of Tierra.
Chris: Tierra, you had a really hard time getting along with the other girls in the house. You said it’s because you have so much sparkle. Can you explain that?
Tierra: It’s difficult for me because I walk into a room and light it up.
Chris: Shine bright like a diamond, shine bright like a diamond. Shine bright like a diamoonnnnd.
Tierra: Exactly. Rihanna actually wrote that song about me.
Chris: Are you delusional?
Tierra: I don’t want to be friends with girls.
Chris: Why do you make it so hard to like you?
Tierra: I stayed true to Tierra. I have nothing to apologize for. Tierra sparkles.
Chris: But there were a lot of incidents with the girls. You wouldn’t even say hi to them when they walked in the room.
Tierra: I can’t remember everything that happened. I don’t even remember how I got the dent on my forehead or why it’s no longer visible to the viewing audience.
Chris: You can’t remember fighting with all the girls?
Tierra: Look, “I was focused on Sean and I’s connection.” I said “I’s” because I can’t remember everything, like grammar. All I know is when I was a little girl, I was Miss Nevada and boy did I sparkle. I sparkled even more than Honey Boo Boo.
Chris: Who is the victim who gave you that monstrosity on your hand?
Tierra: “I got a good man, that’s all that matters.”
That’s all that matters? In life? For the purpose of the show? Oh god. I need to watch different TV shows! And also? Worst. Ring. Ever. It looks like it came out of the “pretty princess” Halloween costume package.
Second in the hot seat: Sarah
I have two nice things to say about Sarah – her makeup looked beautiful and I loved her nail polish color. That’s all the nice things I can say. Why are we wasting our time talking to Sarah? Why was her departure more meaningful than Des? Or Leslie? Or anyone who made it further than Sarah? Sarah tells Chris every time she is rejected, she always falls back on “well I only have one arm.” I will say it one more time, and then I’m done talking about this FOREVER. It. is. not. your. arm. SARAH. It is your p-e-r-s-o-n-a-l-i-t-y. Or lack there of. You are boring! Yes, on the surface you seem like a sweet girl. But beyond that what is there to talk about? Nothing! Maybe you should get in contact with AshLee’s psychotherapist.
Third in the hot seat: Des
Des! Where are your bangs? I hardly recognize you! Des is gracious and has nothing but sweet things to say about Sean, her experience on the show, and even her brother. (PS – I now randomly like to respond to things my boyfriend says with the comment, “You’re just a playboy, aren’t you?” He’s totally confused. And I just laugh and laugh and laugh!) I like Des more after the interview, but unfortunately that doesn’t leave me with anything funny to write about. Well played, Des.
Fourth in the hot seat: AshLee and her ombre hair.
In her spare time, AshLee has scoured Pintrest to find just the right picture for her ombre hair. She also decided hair extensions were a must-have. Chris begins his usual line of leading questions:
Chris: You were obsessed crazy about Sean right from the beginning. Tell us about that.
Ash: Immediately, I knew he would be my prince charming. I was searching in his eyes and the whole time I was thinking “I’ve got this.”
Chris: Wow – you were wrong. Do you think all the antidepressants clouded your judgement?
Ash: No. After watching, the “guy’s not quite who I thought he was.” When he was with the other girls, “he kind of acted like a frat boy.”
Chris: You mean because he laughed and seemed to enjoy himself? And because frat boys are generally fun people? And you are anti-fun?
Ash: This man is a playboy.
Chris: I thought you were in love with “this man.”
Ash: I’m not in love with “this man” anymore.
Chris decides it’s time to bring out Sean while AshLee’s eyes still appear wild and unpredictable.
Sean: Hey Ash, your hair is 5 different colors.
Ash: I felt dishonored by you. What really disappointed me was that you never came back and you never checked on me. You’re a gentleman. You’re from the SOUTH. You’re supposed to be a man here. You were supposed to be “this man.”
Sean: I knew checking on you would make things worse and harder. And you looked like you would kill if given the opportunity. Plus you are kind of mean.
Ash: Why did you say you had ABSOLUTELY no feelings for them?
Sean: I didn’t say that. And I wouldn’t say that.
Ash: Oh Sean, come on. You said, there is absolutely nothing between those two.
Sean: I would never say that.
Ash: So you’re a liar. You are a liar. YOU ARE A LIAR SEAN. Your EYES said there was NOTHING between those two.
Chris tells the ABC producers that AshLee is sitting too close on the couch and the proximity is violating the order for protection. ABC producers ask AshLee to move back 15 feet. AshLee glares from the reject gallery and plots Sean’s death her revenge.
Sean wipes the bead of sweat off his brow and shudders in relief that he didn’t pick AshLee.
ABC ends the show with bloopers. But all anyone wants to see is this:
Oh and this:
A little bit of this:
Some of this:
A touch of that:
And finally THIS:
Next week it’s the FINAL ROSE! Who will end up with the Neil Lane? Who will end up as the next Bachelorette? Will Sean walk down the aisle shirtless? See you next week!
After a while, you just wanna be with the one that makes you laugh. But more on that later.
The blonde Bachelor finds himself in the South of Thailand, where he will find himself a wife (or in the alternative, a special Thai lady friend). A pensive Sean, wearing a neon blue man-tank, takes in the sights around him while contemplating his remaining three women. Sean says Catherine is “a little weird and goofy,” which he finds endearing because he too is weird and goofy. Sean describes AshLee as terrifying having a big heart. Sean also says AshLee is someone who was once abandoned, someone who is vulnerable, someone who has learned to trust, someone who is no longer broken, and someone who is no longer scared. When it comes to Lindsay, Sean is in awe of their relationship. In the beginning, he thought Lindsay was crazy, and not the good crazy. To Sean, Lindsay is more than a wedding dress. She’s a girl who talks in a baby voice AND wears a wedding dress.
ABC treats us to some shirtless pool shots of Sean, where I notice Sean’s physique is not what it used to be! Where did the amazing abs go? Is that a little beer gut I see? Has all this wining and dining and emotional baggage known as AshLee taken a toll on Sean’s best feature?! Say it ain’t so! AshLee’s gotta go!
First Date: Lindsay
Lindsay shows up in a totally adorbs mint colored skirt. Lindsay and Sean head to the Si Kao Market, where Lindsay breaks the cardinal rule – she tells ABC what her fear is and then ABC builds a date around that fear. If I am ever on the Bachelor I’m going to feign a fear of shopping. It will be glorious! Anyway, Lindsay divulges that she won’t eat a bug. And considering Lindsay didn’t sign up for “Fear Factor,” this shouldn’t be a problem…until ABC makes it a problem. While strolling the market Lindsay says that this date is great because if they end up together their vacations will be just like this! That’s true Lindsay, I’m sure your exotic trips to Thailand will always be paid for by ABC, sweetheart. Back to the bug thing – the couple conveniently stumbles upon the bug booth and Sean makes Lindsay eat some of the critters. Lindsay gags the bug down and Sean declares Lindsay wife material. Afterall, if your wife won’t eat a bug for you, who will?
The rest of the date Lindsay spends attempting to tell Sean she loves him. First, she tries baby sign-language but Sean doesn’t understand. Next, she tries baby babble but Sean still doesn’t understand. Sean tells Lindsay she’s the “best friend that [he's] been looking for.” That makes me feel really sad for whomever considered themselves Sean’s actual best friend. My guess is the best friend has known Sean longer than a month? Just a guess.
Finally it’s time for dinner/ the presentation of the fantasy suite card. In preparation for the fantasy suite, Lindsay wears her negligee to dinner. Time is presh – don’t waste it! As Lindsay finally prepares herself for the perfect moment to tell Sean she loves him, the cast of “The King and I” appears and dances around them. Ironically, Lindsay says she feels like she’s in a movie. Yes, it’s called “The King and I!”
The real magic happens moments later. Ladies, the fantasy suite card is now upon us. Sean hands Lindsay the golden ticket carefully crafted envelope instructing Lindsay, “If you choose to forgo your individual rooms please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite,” signed CHRIS HARRISON. Oh Chris! You are so thoughtful! PS, if you were on this show, you’d totally want to be the first date. Could you imagine being third? Sick. The only thing that could be worse than being third would be having the date after Tierra. Although, if US Weekly has any credibility, I suppose nobody should be too concerned. See below:
Moving on. Back at the fantasy suite, Lindsay tells Sean she has something to tell him. She’s secretly 14. No wait, that’s not it. She loves him. Absurd Disney sounding music begins to play. That always happens to me too!
Second Date: Trainwreck AshLee
Sean shows up for his date in his 208th deep-v t-shirt from the Gap. He must be in some sort of rewards program. AshLee takes the 80′s approach with a cropped top and shorty shorts. AshLee drones on and on about Sean being her torture victim soulmate. Sean takes AshLee to a cave and tells her they are going to swim through it. AshLee is, shockingly, scared. Because of this fear, she needs to talk some more about her fears, abandonment and trust. Luckily AshLee’s flotation devices are always attached, so there is no need to worry about her drowning.
The dark cave provides a million cliches for us to make fun of. AshLee says this relationship is unknown and it’s like going down a dark alley. Sean says they turn a corner (in the cave AND in their relationship) and they found “the light at the end of the tunnel.” Cue. The. Groans. Times two.
Sean and AshLee come out of the cave (am I the only liberal arts kid who immediately started thinking about the Allegory of the Cave?) Later, the doomed couple meet for dinner. AshLee shows up wearing a giant cursive necklace. I spend the next 10 minutes ignoring the dialogue and attempting to read the necklace. What does it say!? Trust? Sean? Broken? Ok focus, Kate. Ash is concerned about Sean spending the night with other people and she says that doesn’t “set” well with her heart. I can only assume she means “sit.” Despite her concerns and poor grammar, AshLee accepts the fantasy suite card but promises to leave room for the Holy Spirit. As if AshLee hasn’t freaked Sean out enough, AshLee decides it’s time to tell Sean to tell Neil Lane what kind of ring she wants. In case you were wondering, she wants a cushion cut in a halo setting and her ring size is 6.5. You weren’t wondering? Oh darn, neither was Sean. Sean laughs nervously and then goes to the bathroom to throw up.
After the date, Ash tells the camera that “this man,” has changed her life. “This man” is amazing. She will do anything to make “this man” happy. Then in her most profound statement yet, Ash declares “This man has literally healed [her] broken heart.” I had NO IDEA Sean was a heart surgeon? He LITERALLY healed you? Sean has so many hidden talents/ professions!
Date Three: Catherine
Sean is completely and utterly relieved to be free from AshLee and the 10000 pounds of heavy she carries around with her, he practically throws himself at Catherine. Betraying his best friend Lindsay, Sean describes Catherine also as his best friend. Sean, every girl knows you can only have ONE best friend! Friendship necklaces split in two, NOT THREE. But Sean also likes Catherine because she’s weird and he’s weird too. Here is a possible quote that could be read at their wedding:
“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”
You’re welcome. At dinner, Sean tells Catherine he could see himself marrying her. WOW – well if he doesn’t pick Catherine, his other pick is going to be pretttty upset after hearing that. Catherine brings up the fantasy suite issue and tells Sean thinking about this hanky panky makes her nervous and she still wants to be seen as a lady. But Catherine decides her reputation doesn’t really matter and accepts Chris Harrison’s invitation. Catherine and Sean spend the night making out in a Thai pool, calling Sean beefy and hunky. Beef, it’s what’s for dinner.
Shirtless Sean tells the camera he woke up the morning of the rose ceremony and knew who he needed to send home. If it’s not AshLee, I’m prepared to watch the final episode with earplugs in. I can’t deal with any more of her. I. Just. Can’t. Sean meets up with Chris Harrison, who was in the middle of a thai massage, and tells Chris he’s ready to hand out two roses. Chis is angry about the interruption so he forces Sean to watch video messages from all three ladies, even though Sean already knows who he is kickin’ to the curb. First, we watch Lindsay’s carefree message in baby talk. Sean smiles as he watches Lindsay. Second, we watch Catherine’s carefree message about Sean being a “mega hunk,” and how thinking about him gives her the “wiggles.” Sean again smiles as he watches Catherine. Third, we watch AshLee’s involuntary commitment evidence heartfelt message to Sean. AshLee cannot imagine one day without Sean. AshLee believes that “together we are whole.” AshLee cannot get through a single sentence without crying. Is there a pill for this? If so, give it to her. Immediately. As I watch Sean’s PAINED expression, I feel 90% confident AshLee is out of there. Sean was practically turning green over the thought of AshLee’s impending trip to the psych ward.
Chris Harrison kicks off the rose ceremony and informs us this is the final rose ceremony of the season. No! AshLee shows up at the rose ceremony and felt it was time to bring out the big guns. Seriously. There was so much boob, it was like she was a nursing mother. First rose to Lindsay (LOVE the dress Lindsay!), second rose to Catherine. No rose to Ms. Perky, who is suddenly very less perky and instantly regrets showing all of America her boobs at the rose ceremony. AshLee’s eyes turn to daggers and her face turns to ice. As my mom said, “if looks could kill…”
AshLee storms off and tells Sean to just. stay. there. Sean follows after her and tries to explain his decision. AshLee remains stone cold, showcasing the most evil glare we’ve ever seen in Bachelor history, and gets into the limo without a single word or tear. In the reject Limo, Ash says, “this wasn’t a silly game to me. This wasn’t about a joy ride and about laughter and joking and having fun.” Yes AshLee, you made that abundantly clear! What guy would want their future wife to laugh, joke and have fun? How DARE Sean! The ABC psychotherapist gives AshLee a heavy does of antidepressants and some Xanax and removes all sharp objects from the limo. But seriously Ash, at the end of the day, we just want to be with the person who makes us laugh. And nervous laughter doesn’t count.
Women Tell ALL next week! Will AshLee still be heartbroken? Has she worn out her Sean voodoo doll? Will the pastor parents put a bounty on Sean?
It’s hometown date week!!!!! The only thing better than hometown dates? Fantasy suite dates, duh! Sean has four mediocre women left, one of whom could be his wife. Of course statistically speaking she’s more likely to sprout wings and fly to the moon than become Sean’s wife, but who cares about stats??! This is LOVE people! Love conquers stats! Everyone knows that.
First Hometown Date: AshLee in Houston
AshLee says that before meeting Sean she had no idea what real true love was. Wow – I’m not sure whether to laugh or to cry. Hey AshLee, this is NOT REAL TRUE LOVE. At this point, Sean can’t believe he actually has to go to Houston to visit AshLee but ABC has not found a psychotherapist willing to ride in the rejection limo with AshLee. After ABC decides it’s too risky to dump AshLee, Sean is sent to Houston.
AshLee is so excited about bringing this man home to her family. She can’t wait to introduce this man to her family. This man is so great. I want a man as great as this man. AshLee plops Sean down on a blanket to talk about how she’s no longer broken and how she trusts this man. Ash says Sean is the man to protect her heart. Actually Ash, I have the man for you. Kasey from Ali’s season. He will definitely guard and protect your heart! For a reminder, click here.
Has anyone else noticed that Sean and AshLee have never had a conversation that wasn’t about AshLee’s dysfunction? Seriously, run Sean. Sean goes to AshLee’s family to meet her Pastor Pop and Mom. AshLee completely over shares with her parents, creeping them and the audience out:
AshLee: We rolled around in the sand and I could feel Sean getting really excited. You guys know what I mean?
Sean (laughing nervously): We were just having fun.
Mother: Sean, I’m going to need to speak with you later.
AshLee: Seriously, we were all OVER each other Mom! It was great!
After telling Sean to refrain from more sand-rolling with her daughter, AshLee’s mom says she wants AshLee’s heart to be loved, protected, and sheltered. Seriously – call Kacey. Nuff said. Preaching Pappa warns Sean that if he doesn’t pick her, Dad will have to do a lot of emotional repair and he can’t be away from his congregation that long. Sean and Dad talk about AshLee’s teenage marraige. Dad says he signed off on the marriage because he felt like that was the best option but he probably would have done things differently if he had to do it all over again. You PROBABLY would do this differently???? At this point I got very worried about the congregation in Houston who turns to this pastor for guidance. Does it really show good judgment to allow your teenage daughter to marry her teenage boyfriend?!
AshLee has no doubt that she wants to marry this man immediately. Sean leaves confused as to who this manis.
Second Hometown Date: Catherine – Seattle
Sean shows up in Seattle wearing some tight pants and showcasing some serious man-thigh. The duo heads to the Public Market to catch some slimmy fish. The fish-men seriously whip the fish at Sean but Sean keeps up and catches all the flying fish. Catherine has less luck but does finally catches a fish one-handed. I’m sure they both smelled delish afterwards!
At Catherine’s home, Sean meets Catherine’s Mother, Grandmother and two sisters. I am immediately distracted by the amazing looking egg rolls on the coffee table. I. Must. Have. Catherine takes her sisters into a bedroom to gush about Sean. But like all good sisters, they have other plans. They remind Catherine that she went on the show for fun, not to get engaged. Catherine feels annoyed that she has to defend the prospect of getting engaged to her boyfriend of a hot second. I mean why shouldn’t she get engaged after one date and four weeks of knowing him? Catherine’s sisters try a different tactic by telling Sean about Catherine’s flaws. What are sisters for!
Sister 1: Catherine is very messy. She might qualify for that show “Hoarders.”
Sister 2: Catherine has WILD mood swings. Seriously. Her PMS levels are completely out of hand. Can you handle that?
Sister 1: Catherine will drop you like it’s hot as soon as she gets bored.
Sean: Do you guys have anything nice to say about Catherine?
Sisters: Yeah, she’s like super pretty.
Catherine’s Mother notices Sean doesn’t eat any egg rolls and does not give Sean her blessing to marry Catherine. Sean leaves Seattle doubting his relationship with Catherine. That’s super sad for Sean…things should definitely be certain after all this time!
Third Hometown Date: Lindsay – Fort Leonard Wood, MO
Sean heads to the middle of no where Missouri to Lindsay’s house. Sean says that Lindsay possesses many qualities he wants in his wife. Why does Sean say this about every woman on the show? It’s as though the only quality Sean looks for in a wife is that she be female.
Sean is anxious to meet Lindsay’s father because he is a two-star general. Be less nervous Sean. General Petreaus has four stars and look how his career ended… but really, Sean is nervous and I think it’s pretty telling. He’s nervous because she’s the only one he ACTUALLY likes. Lindsay has Sean put on some army apparel and pretends to be a commanding officer. It’s mildly cute but then when Lindsay starts slapping Sean’s behind over and over again it felt a little like a bad romance novel.
At 18:00, the pair heads to Lindsay’s house. Sean has no idea what time that is. At Lindsay’s house, Sean meets The General her dad, mother and little brother. Lindsay’s mom was so happy and cheerful. I want to go hang out with Lindsay’s mom! After Sean’s meeting with Momma, Sean hears the General yell “TEN-HUT.” Sean thinks this is some football related play and ignores the command. Sean has to drop and give the General 20 for disobeying orders. After, Sean stands at attention and says, “Sir, permission to ask permission to marry your daughter, SIR.” The General tells Sean “at ease” and tells Sean to have the authority to make the decision. Sean is confused by all the military talk. The General rephrases in civilian terms and says, fine you have my blessing if Lindsay wants to get married. The General gives Sean a set of dog tags. I guess that way it will be easier to identify Sean after the General kills him?
Sean asks Lindsay if he’ll be required to get a high and tight hair-cut. Lindsay explains that marrying her won’t enlist him. Roger that. He heaves a giant sigh of relief and declares he could see himself in this family. Sir, yes sir.
Fourth Hometown Date: Des – Los Angeles
Des and Sean take a hike overlooking the Hollywood sign. After, Des takes Sean back to her house (which, by the way, is much much nicer than a tent). A few minutes after Sean arrives some guy appears at the door. Initially I think to myself, wow he’s cute! I like his dark curly hair and Des should totally get back together with him. But then the poor acting made me realize quickly this was a joke. It would have been so much more hilarious if it was actually real!
Des’ family shows up, which includes her mother, father and freaky lovely brother. Des sits down with her charmer of a brother (hey bro, are you single?) and she tells him Sean makes her happy. After consulting one of his arm tatoo quotes, the Brother says, “A lot of guys can make you happy. That’s not what it’s about.” Wait. Back up. It’s not about your sister being happy? Or finding a man who makes her happy? So your advice is this essentially: A lot of guys can make you happy…find the one who makes you UNHAPPY. In that case, man did Sean make a mistake sending home Tierra. The brother continues saying, this isn’t going to work and, “this is, like, stupid almost.” So I guess I don’t follow. Is it actually stupid? Or is it like stupid? Or is it almost stupid?
The brother takes Sean out back to show Sean what it’s like on the other side of the tracks. The brother challenges Sean to a push-up contest but when Sean wins, the bro gets angry. The brother decides he has only one option left to prove to Sean his biceps are bigger: sabotage her sister’s relationship with Sean.
Brother: She’s into you, but you’re not into her. I don’t see any reciprocation. There is not that connection there.
Sean: I’m crazy about your sister.
Brother: You’re crazy about a lot of other girls. I think you’re just a playboy.
Sean becomes upset that his character was attacked. How dare the bro call him a playboy! 25 women does not a playboy make! Sean winds his arm up for a punch but decides he doesn’t want a bruised hand at the rose ceremony. Back at the dinner table, things are awkward with a capital A. Her parents start talking about the weather. Sean takes zero bites of his dinner and can’t get out the door fast enough. Ten bucks says the brother gets a rose tattoo in the near future.
At the rose ceremony Sean can’t decide who to send home. Sean sits down with the Almighty CH to seek some much needed counsel. Unfortunately CH appears stoned during the exchange. CH offers profound advice: get this right, take your time and take a hit of this pot I bought in St. Croix. That’s why he’s paid the big bucks folks! Right as Sean is about to hand out roses, Des asks to speak to Sean. She apologizes for her brother’s behavior and Sean reassures her it’s ok…and then gives the rose to Catherine. Ouch Des, I guess it’s not ok (sidenote – you know what was ok? Des’ make-up. It was flawless!)
Katie Holmes Des gets in the limo in search of Dawson answers. Without Sean, Des suddenly doesn’t know what she will do with her life. I assume you’ll do what you did four weeks ago? Oh Des, you’ll be fine. Next time leave the brother in the tent.
After unearthing from 100 pounds of mardi gras beads, two (that’s right, TWO) plush roses, numerous stuffed animals, a rubber chicken, a coconut, a bone, frisbees, bracelets, the big giant light-up diamond ring, and a very fluffy tutu, I was finally able to watch this week’s episode of the Bachelor.
Is it just me or is this the fastest season in Bachelor history? How can there only be 5 soulmates left??? If I don’t know who the “one” for Sean is yet, how can he know?!
ABC Sean is so so sweet and decides his girls are too special for commercial flights. It’s private all the way, ya’ll! The plane lands in St. Croix, where Tierra gets worried that Sean will notice orange sweat dripping from her face. Tierra instantly regrets the fifth layer of bronzer she applied a few minutes earlier. At the hotel Tierra decides it would be best to have her own space so she can focus on her sparkle Sean.
The first date card arrives (sans Chris Harrison, come on ABC, where is he!?) and it reads “AshLee, let’s get carried away…to the ABC psychologist.” Tierra takes this opportunity to sparkle by stating repeatedly, “the cougar’s back in town!” When nobody responds, Tierra says it louder, “The COUGAR’S BACK IN TOWN!” Tierra asks the girls if they get it. They don’t. Tierra explains that AshLee is like TOTS a cougar because she’s over the age of 30. Tierra says that being single past the age of 25 is not so sparkly. Sadly at this point, it occurred to me that when I first started watching this show I was too young to compete. Now if I participate in the show I’m deemed too old and likely a cougar. I’m past my sparkly prime!
First One-on-One: The Cougar Finds Trust
The Coug meets up with Sean, who just escaped a jail full of swimmers (Alcatraz perhaps?) Seriously, did you see those swim trunks? Those black and white stripes screamed inmate! Sean’s crime? Bad kissing. Guilty as charged! AshLee refers to Sean as “this man” like 100 times (did she forget his name? This is after all only their second date) and drones on and on (and on and on) about trust and foundation and abandonment and more trust, and starts all her sentences with “my psychologist says,” until Sean can’t take it anymore and decides he’d rather talk about the house drama than hear the cougar say trust one more time.
Sean: Tell me about Tierra. Why don’t people like her?
AshLee: She called me a *BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPING* cougar.
Sean: Well, I mean you are 32, Ash.
AshLee: What are you saying Sean? I need to trust you Sean.
Sean: I like your age. Anyway, what’s wrong with Tierra, other than her name sounds like a stripper?
AshLee: I don’t know how to tell you this but, who you get is not who we get. She is not nice to us and she isolates herself.
Even though Sean has been told his like 700 times it finally resonates. I guess he just needed to hear it from someone older and wiser. This leads to Sean and AshLee making out on the beach to a dramatic musical score. Back at the house Tierra sticks needles in her AshLee voodoo doll while repeating her mantra “down with the coug, down with the coug.”
AshLee and Sean wash the sand out of their mouths and head to dinner. AshLee has one more secret to tell Sean and it hopefully might be a deal-breaker. AshLee got married, to her cousin, at age 17. Actually it wasn’t her cousin it was just her boyfriend, presumably unrelated. She got divorced later in her junior year when she realized she wanted a different prom date. AshLee is worried Sean thinks she’s broken (Sean actually does think that but he’s too much of a gentlemen to say otherwise).
Second date: Tierra complains
Tierra gets the second date card and it reads “let’s explore our love on the streets of St. Croix.” Tierra is mad. How can she sparkle with bugs and makeup sweating off her face? She would do better on a boat. Plus, she doesn’t have any fake land injuries planned.
Sean picks up Tierra and her shorty shorts for their very first one-on-one date. Tierra starts complaining. She’s hot, she’s gross (glad I didn’t have to say it!), she’s thirsty. But Sean, knowing Tierra SO WELL, takes her shopping! And he totally takes her somewhere he KNEW she’d love. Oh hey Tierra, you’re on an island. You went to the ONLY place to shop. Sean buys Tierra a shell necklace I would have picked out in the 6th grade and Tierra is over the moon that Sean would spend 3.00 whole american dollars on her. I guess I shouldn’t remind Tierra that Leslie got diamond earrings when she was kicked to the curb…
Sean wants to hear Tierra’s side of the house drama story. Tierra is upset that someone threw her under the bus. Tierra is upset that Sean is distant. Tierra is upset that the cougar got to wear a swimsuit on her date. UGH! I’m bored just writing about Tierra! Hey Tierra, you want some cheese with that WHINE!?!
Group Date: Let’s all go, road trip!!!! (Legally Blonde, anyone?)
Sean proves smarter than I thought and decides he needs to see these women without make-up if he’s going to wife one of them. He doesn’t need to feel scared each morning. And after seeing Tierra’s racoon eyes, Sean realizes this is a pressing matter. At 4:30 in the morning, ABC lets Sean into their room and Sean wakes them up and starts snapping photos (ok Sean, not cool). It’s one thing to look but it’s another thing to document. Sean is relieved they all look better than Tierra and decides the date can proceed.
Des, Lindsay, and Catherine pile into Sean’s jeep and head on a road trip around the island. The first stop is the sunrise. (I have to admit I thought the road trip looked like fun). My favorite stop? Sean and the girls drinking at a bar and then Sean getting back behind the wheel. Nothing like drinking and driving!
The final stop is at the other end of the island to watch the sun set. Or would be sun set if there was actually sun. Towards the end of this date Sean has some alone time with Lindsay. After he says privately, “I didn’t know if I should keep the girl in the wedding dress. Fast forward and now I’m crazy about that girl in the wedding dress.” I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but I actually audibly “awwwwwwed.” It seemed so sweet and genuine. Thus, I have concluded Sean picks Lindsay. Group rose? Lindsay. I hear wedding bells.
Third one-on-one date- Lesley
Lesley goes on a remarkably boring date. The only thing memorable was Lesley’s 80′s makeup. I wish I could give her some makeup tips. It’s always wrong wrong wrong. But I liked her bright pink skirt! Things less boring than this date? Staring at a wall, watching paint dry, waiting for water to boil, Tierra crying, and AshLee learning to trust.
I heave a giant sigh of relief when this snooze of a date is over and the real drama can start. Sean’s sister Shay is in town. Or is it Shea? Like the super creamy yummy lotion? Shay is there to confirm that Tierra is a bad apple. Sean goes to get Tierra but walks into the aftermath of a Tierra-rist.
Moments earlier, Tierra decided to confront AshLee for “sabotaging” her relationship with Sean. I’m sorry – I missed something. What relationship? I’ve had a longer relationship with a carton of eggs in my refrigerator. Tierra proclaims she is not going to sit around in a group and talk high school. I mean, she’s 24 years old! She is a woman! A sparkly woman!
The confrontation travels to a bedroom where Lesley and Catherine are lounging on a bed. Lesley asks them to freeze and fetches a bucket of popcorn. Catherine live tweets the exchange. Tierra tells AshLee, “men LOVE me!” (Hey men, is that true?!?!) Cue the eyebrow raising growns! Tierra again attacks AshLee’s age. 32 and unmarried – the horrors! AshLee tells Tierra the reason the girls don’t like her is because she ignores them when they try to talk to her and she raises her eyebrows at them. Tierra is appalled. Ohhh girl, don’t you talk about her eyebrow like that! Tierra yells, “I can’t HELP MY EYE BROW!” Man if only there was something to control facial expressions…like a brain! Sounds like Tierra needs a trip to Emerald City!
Tierra explains that she has sparkle and she isn’t going to let these girls take away her sparkle. Her parents told her not to let anyone take away her sparkle! But as my momma taught me (and Shakespeare), all that glitters sparkles isn’t gold. And I can think of a lot of things much more sparkly than Tierra:
Patent leather pumps
My graying hair
Freshly fallen snow
Chris Harrison’s former wedding band (it had a diamond on it!)
Sean finally wakes up and smells the roses (ha!) and realizes that Tierra is like a rose. She may be beautiful, but she has thorns. She may be sparkly, but she ain’t gold. Sean tells Tierra her reign is over– take off your tiara. Tierra gets into the reject limo and does the ugly cry. Tierra cries, “I can’t believe they did this to me. I hope they got what they wanted.” Umm yes, Tierra, they did get what they wanted. They wanted you gone and it looks like you’ve got a one-way ticket to Sparkletown. And for your sake, I hope the mini van windows were tinted.
At the rose ceremony Sean tells the cougar and remaining girls that he does not want drama. AshLee calls in an emergency script for anti-anxiety medication. Her yellow dress, meant to invoke calmness, does nothing to squelch her rose-ceremony nerves. AshLee gets the rose and we are subjected to 20 more rounds of “trust,” “love” and “this man” nonsense.
Les is sent back to Capitol Hill to fetch coffee for an aspiring <del> snake oil salesman</del> politician. I guess Tierra took all of Les’ sparkle with her. That or Les’ dress was unconstitutionally ugly.
Then the world finds out that Catherine is in love with Les. She is beyond upset that Les was sent home and her “beliefs are shattered about what [Sean] wants.” Huh? Catherine, doll, if you’re crying because another girl left the show, then perhaps it’s time for you to leave? Just a suggestion.
Next week we get a glimpse into our remaining bachelorettes’ dysfunctional homes! And if I’m a bettin’ gal, I think Sean’s biceps will win any day of the week against Des’ brother. Stay sparkly everyone!
Greetings from Mardi Gras! As I said, I can’t watch the Bach tonight for numerous reasons. Mostly because I am dying a slow death under a pile of beads. Second, I just drank a very strong hurricane and just ordered something even boozier!
But for those who have participated in Mardi Gras know you can catch some crazy throws. And I caught two things that must be mentioned!!! Ladies, I caught the final rose…and ring!!
I’m in love. 100%, head-over-heels, in love. I’m a smitten-kitten.
I want to wake up every morning to this view:
That’s right ladies, I’m in love with Lake Louise! I’d even go so far as to say it might be worth putting up with Sean’s vomit-inducing kissing just to see that turquoise water. Never mind. Nothing is worth that. Seriously Sean, you should have listened to Arie. Who kisses like you?!?!?! How many of those girls are completely repulsed? I’d say all but Tierra!
Anyway, Sean and his 9 remaining “girl friends” head to Canada, eh! The Almighty CH is no where to be seen. An APB for Chris Harrison was sent out, unanswered.
First One-on-One: Catherine
I’m immediately excited that Catherine gets the one-on-one date (although I’m less excited that she’s going on the date with Sean). We haven’t seen a lot of Catherine but she is so cute and seems to have both sweetness and substance. Imagine that! When Catherine first stepped out of the limo I gasped – it was Winnie from the Wonder Years!
It’s bizarre how everyone looks like a celebrity to me this season. Anyway, Catherine puts on her thinnest coat possible and meets Sean in the coldest place possible. Sean shows up with a giant snow bus and I have to admit the thing looked like a lot of fun. Sean drove them (probably like 5 feet before ABC’s liability insurance ran out) to a spot to participate in some sledding and other snow romping activities. The couple sipped on some hot chocolate (undoubtedly spiked – I’m not judging by the way, I prefer mine spiked!). The most amazing part of the date? I only rolled my eyes once! Catherine said something like “when I’m with Sean, I’m not cold.” Ok whatever Catherine. It’s -123 with windchill of -239 and you have lost all your toes permanently to frostbite but it’s all good because Sean keeps you soooo warm! Cue the groans. Maybe you’re just feeling flushed from the embarrassment of his poor kissing.
After all the snow romping, Cathean (Catherine + Sean = Cathean) head to an ice castle. Catherine tells this very tragic story and Sean doesn’t offer any sort of condolence or even acknowledgement of the story. Instead he goes straight for the top-lip make out session (seriously, he’s always latching on to the top lip??) Thanks to close-ups and HD television, the audience is privileged to a nice shot of some snot dripping from Sean’s nose. The. Entire. Time.
Sean – here is an article I found that you should consider. The gist is bad kissers don’t make it to “second base.” Consider that. Enroll in lessons. Do something. But dear golly, don’t make us watch any more of this without addressing the issue!
Rose for Catherine!
Group Date: Tierra and the Princess
Tierra, Selma, Lindsay, Lesley, Sarah, Daniella, and AshLee meet Sean on the shores of Lake Louise for the group date. They all go canoeing around the lake (it seems like their canoe skills have improved since the Montana trip). Lesley grabs the bull by the horns and jumps in Sean’s canoe. Game on. Cut to Selma in the confession room: “I wanted to tip that boat over so freaking bad.” And then Selma sort of laughed but also sort of appeared like she was having a stroke. It was almost like a Count Dracula laugh. ONE in the water, AH AH AH AH. TWO in the water, AH AH AH AH.
Back on solid ground, with the help of a 17 year old ginger, Sean tells the girls to take off their clothes and jump into the lake. Some are not so sure. Other are mad their legs got spiky in the cold canoe. Some are drunk and therefore excited. Selma won’t even consider it. Call her a princess, she doesn’t care (actually I bet she’d like to be called a princess). And don’t forget, she’s from Baghdad – warm weather people. Although she also told Sean she doesn’t do well in the heat. Make up your mind, Princess.
AshLee asks Sean if she can call her shrink first to see what he thinks because she says, “no one in my life has ever made me want to do something for them.” Umm wait. What? Nobody has ever made you want to do something for them??!! Hi, my name is AshLee and I’m the most self-centered person EVER. AshLee’s shrink says it’s ok to take the plunge and heaven forbid, even have fun. AshLee is so proud of her self. She felt like she moved a mountain. Really though AshLee, you did what millions of hungover Americans do every single New Years Day. And here, where I come from, they actually have to cut a HOLE in the frozen lake to get to the water. I didn’t see any ice on that lake!
But as you all know, the one who sacrificed the MOST for Sean was the raccoon formerly known as Tierra. Tierra jumped into that lake in her Legally Blonde swim suit (I hate to admit that I liked her suit), popped back out and ran back to the 17-year-old ginger and cried wolf once more. Instead of throwing on the fluffy white robe like all the other girls, Tierra keeled over and eventually had to be carried off by the poor little red-head. Reason number 20,284 why Sean would never be my boyfriend. Sean, seriously, shouldn’t you have carried Tierra? Or at least offerred? What’s the point of all those morning push-ups if you can’t use your biceps in a situation like this?
Anyway, here was poor Tierra after her fake bout with hypothermia:
Tierra does what any person with hypothermia would do. She holds her shaking hands up near her face, orders some extra-hot Starbucks, instructs the maid to put on her socks and straps on her oxygen tank before paging Sean. Sean appears to comfort Tierra. Cackling Tierra tells Sean he better marry her after all this! And seriously Sean, you better. Why wouldn’t you want to wake up to this each morning?
The choice is yours Sean. Sean tells Tierra to stay in bed for the night. But when a Tierra-rist has a plan, a Tierra-rist has a plan and it will not be thwarted by some fake medical problem! Tierra takes a bath in her perfume, applies more mascara for good measure, and heads to go get her man.
Lesley spots Tierra enter the party and acts as Homeland Security, warning the girls, “everybody watch your back, we have a Tierra-rist on our hands.” Unfortunately as we all know, there will always be a Tierra-rist around.
The next day, Sean drops by the room and asks to speak to Sarah. Sean decides things aren’t working out with Sarah and it’s time for her to leave. In front of Sean, Sarah took the shock very well and was a gracious rejectee. Things became a little more frantic in the limo but nothing that the ABC psychotherapist couldn’t handle.
Second One-on One Date: Desiree – those boots are made for walkin’ rappelling.
Sean decides Des needs some reassurance after the trip to Montana so she gets another one-on-one. Des was super excited about the date until she found out she had to rappel down the mountain to drink eat lunch. Des has to rappel in a pair of Sorel winter snow boots. Come on. I have a pair of those boots. They are heavy, slippery and cumbersome. I don’t think they are meant to rappel down a mountain! ABC, get her some proper shoes!
The two make it down, picnic, and then climb a tree. After, Sean takes Des to a teepee, while sporting the world’s ugliest sweater. Sean looked like a giant hunk of beef. You are just too beefy to pull off hipster Norwegian sweaters Sean! Des shares with Sean that she feels right at home in the teepee because she grew up in a tent. Sean thinks it’s really neat that Des grew up in the circus and is wondering if they can incorporate the circus into a future episode. Des patiently explains that she lived in a tent/ trailer when money was tight, not because she is related to the Ringling Brothers. Later, Des says, “I opened up about growing up in a tent and here I am falling in love in a teepee.” That peyote makes you say the darndest things!
Selma decides it’s time to bring out the big guns. And by big guns she means her giant fake breasts. She goes against her convictions (or at least her mother’s convictions), kisses Sean (sort of) and then apologizes to her mother. I think your mother is more upset that your nipples are about to show in that dress, sweetheart.
AshLee decides she hasn’t shown America that she is unstable enough and makes Sean blindfold her and lead her around. At first Sean thinks this is another 50 Shades of Grey moment but then realizes AshLee is crying and carrying on about how she has pushed a mountain and Sean stood on the other side. Sean suggests AshLee call her shrink again and disappears to sloppily make out with someone else.
That someone else is Lindsay who is slap-happy drunk because that’s the only way she can tolerate Sean’s kissing. I have to admit, Lindsay talks in a baby voice and is often drunk but I’d rather watch her because she’s having FUN! And you know what, at the end of the day, we all just want to have some fun.
All is right in the world again when Chris Harrison shows up at the rose ceremony. PHEW! Sean sends home Selma (and her big guns) and Daniella (and her 80′s clothes and make-up). Who stays? The Tierra-rist.
Next week’s post will be up towards the end of the week. Why you ask? Because I’m going to Mardi Gras! Beads for everyone!
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. This season of the Bachelor is unprecedented. Chris Harrison keeps showin’ up on dates, there wasn’t a single hot tub scene this episode, and Sean was not SSS (Sean shirtless and sweating) ONCE. Not once!
Chris Harrison shows up in the hangover suite living room, and tells the girls to pack their bags. Tierra breaks into hysterics. An ambulance is called and Tierra is administered oxygen. When she finds out she’s not being sent home but rather is embarking on a world-wide adventure, Tierra’s evil laughter fills the room. Most of that didn’t happen, but seriously Tierra, what’s with the sardonic laughter? You need meds. Sean’s journey to the Bachelor pad love begins in beautiful Whitefish, Montana. The entire time I watched, I was practically drooling with envy. (I might have also been partially drooling from eating 6 Kit-Kat bars and 4 Crunch Bars in the span of 20 minutes). But seriously. How. Flipping. Gorgeous. Can I please hole-up in a lodge with my girl friends for a week at that resort? I don’t need to do anything but lounge in a fluffy white robe and sip on screw drivers. I would be so happy. Of course, I’d want Tierra’s room disinfected before I stay there. I don’t want to catch whatever is responsible for making her eyebrows that arched. Nor do I want to catch her psychosis bad attitude.
On a side note, I started thinking that it’s pretty cool that the Bachelor goes to all these amazing places all over the world, but wouldn’t it be fun if the Bachelor did an all-American season? The US has some pretty amazing places and it would be neat to see more of those highlighted. I’ve got some suggestions (duh!) to check out here!
First Date: Lindsay
You know what I love about Sean? ABC He ALWAYS does the most special things for his dates! Sean takes his relationship with Lindsay to new heights. Literally. He picks up Lindsay in a helicopter. If I were Lindsay I totally would have swooned over Sean the amazing pines and breath-taking views. The helicopter drops Lindsay and Sean off at the top of a mountain. Then, the most amazing thing happened. Julie Andrews appeared, spread her arms wide, twirled in a circle and started to sing in her heavenly voice, “The hillllls are aliveee, with the sound of musicccccccc.” Ugh, I WISH! Actually, I admired this date for its normalcy. Well, minus that fact that I’ve never been transported to the top of a gorgeous mountain by helicopter, never had a private firework display, and never had a super annoying lovely, intimate concert. But I have had dates that involved sitting on a blanket! I thought Lindsay looked really gorgeous on this date. Her eyeshadow was pretty (what’s the brand Linds???). You know what was less gorgeous? The constant baby-voice.
After the mountain top, Sean takes Lindsay inside and says he wants to “take things a little deeper.” His words folks, not mine. Oh Sean, the two-star General is going to be mad!!!! The conversation between Lindsay and Sean was sooo deep. It went like this:
Sean: You are so amazing.
Lindsay: I think you’re so amazing.
* make out for a few minutes *
Sean: I know you so well.
Lindsay: I know you so well too.
*make out for a few minutes *
Sean: We have amazing conversation.
Lindsay: We have seriously amazing conversation.
*make out for a few minutes.
But the best Lindsay liner? When she calls Sean classy. Nothing says class like the Bachelor! PS – did you notice that at the concert the lyrics were “I want to be your cigarette/ I want to linger on your breath?” Wait – WHAT? You want to be cancer and leave a totally offensive taste in someone’s mouth? Sorry annoying country chick, I won’t be downloading that single!
Group Date: You make my heart want to puke race
The girls arrive for their group date and when Selma sees Sean she jumps on Sean faster than Tierra can fake an injury. And is the really intense headband necessary? Last I checked you were milking a goat, not skiing. Once again, the Almighty Chris Harrison shows up to give a run-down on the date. That’s weird, I thought he only showed up when the girls were in bikinis!
The girls are divided into red and blue teams and have to compete in a competition that involves canoeing, moving bales of hay, cross-cutting a log, milking a goat and drinking the bachelor kool aid milk. Poor Lesley informs all of the women in America that she needs a biology lesson after she says the goat said “he [will]” make the milk chocolate for her.
The girls jump in the canoes and prove quickly they’ve never canoed. They only have to go like 2 feet with the current of the river and yet it’s as difficult for them as it is for Kacie B to not act desperate. Eventually, the red team is pronounced the winner. Warm goat milk all around!
The blue team is sent back to the lodge. The blue team is really only upset because Tierra is at the lodge. Sean feels soooo guilty about subjecting them to Tierrable that he invites the blue team back to the cocktail party. Des, the goat milk chugger, is instantly upset that she drank the creamy warm white substance for NOTHING. Understandable Des, understandable. Never good when that happens.
Back at the lodge Tierra is writing in her burn book diary about how unfair it is that Sean is misleading her. She decides she MUST go find Sean to find out where his head is “at.” Dangling preposition and all. Tierra does what any psycho girlfriend would do. She secretly crashes the date.
Back at the party, Daniella drank all the free alcohol and cannot control her crying. What we learn? Crying works. Sean gives Daniella the rose.
Two-on-two date: Tierra and Jackie – love is a wild ride
First, Jackie is just so adorable. Second, her outfit was soooo cute! They meet Sean who is waiting for them with horses. Tierra offers to save a horse, ride a cowboy. Tierra says like 10000 times that she is on a date with her husband. Man, Tierra is UP UP UP! What did Chris slip her?
After the riding, Jackie and Sean have some one and one time. Jackie makes a bold move and decides to tell Sean about Tierra flirting with someone at the airport. It went something like this, hey TSA agent, want to give me a pat down? Do you want to check my bags? Am I going to need a full body scan?
After dinner, Tierra and Sean have some alone time. Tierra says she is scared because she has the BIGGEST heart. Seriously Tierra, I would be scared too. An enlarged heart is a serious medical condition! Tierra tells Sean her sob story about her loser druggie ex-boyfriend. He was *like*, her best friend for *like* 13 years, except for *like* the 13 years he was an intravenous drug user. In all seriousness, addiction is very very sad and tragic. But…my friends and I collectively laughed at the prospect of Sean bringing Tierra home to meet his seemingly picture perfect family. I’m sure they can majorly relate to heroine use. Crazy wins again. Teirra gets the tiara rose and in creeps her evil laugh:
But I guess that’s better than her normal look:
Fireworks explode in the sky. For those who have read the Hunger Games (or seen the movie) it reminded me of when they announce the dead tributes. One more girl gone! May the odds ever be in your favor, Tierra. Seriously Jackie – you are beautiful. Way too good for this nonsense!
Cocktail Party (actually it should be plural. There are multiple cocktails)
At the cocktail party, Des tells Sean she needs a little more affirmation. Sean ends up getting frustrated. Apparently Tierra is the only one who is allowed to be insecure. Meanwhile, the cameras turn to Tierra, who laments “another rose ceremony? Please. I just wanna (sic) punch everyone in the room.” Oh Tierra – you are such a sweet girl! Robyn decides to confront Tierra about her wild mood swings. Tierra is once again like “SO OVER THIS.” And if she wants to get engaged, she can get engaged. Sean witnesses Tierra acting completely like herself screaming at Robyn. Des properly sums it up: she needs a Xanax and she needs to be sent home. Can I get an Amen? But he still just does not see what the other girls see! Sean, you might need to get your eyes and ears checked. Go when Tierra gets her big heart checked. Tierra reassures Sean that she is “such a nice girl.” Denial… it’s a deep river.
Robyn gets sent to the dreaded limo and is grilled by the ABC psychotherapist until she breaks.
Tonight there is ANOTHER episode. I won’t be able to watch until tomorrow but another post will be up Thursday or Friday!
As Bachelor Sean embarks on his world-wide quest to find love (do you think he’s really just hoping to run into some better prospects on the road??) I thought it would be fun to suggest places in the US where the Bachelor should visit. This list has all the essentials for the Bachelor: alcohol, bikinis, sun, beaches and drama.
1. Up North, Wisconsin.
That might seem like a broad area but it could be anywhere in the Northwoods. It’s GORGEOUS there! Here’s the view from my parent’s pier. I’m sure they’d LOVE to host the Bachelor.
Up North would be great for the Bach. Plenty of things to do that involve bikinis and drinking! In fact, if you go in the summer that’s pretty much how you’ll spend your days. It’s glorious. Unfortunately there won’t be many hot tubs.
2. Glen Arbor, Michigan.
One of my favorite places to visit. Every time I go, I am amazed at the beauty of the white sand dunes against the glimmering blue water of Lake Michigan. In fact, in 2011, Good Morning America named this area (Sleeping Bear Dunes and Pierce Stocking Drive) as the most beautiful place in America. Need proof? Here’s my shot:
This place is great for the Bach because there are plenty of outdoor activities to do, like hiking the dunes, picnicking on the beach, passing out at touring the numerous wineries, and wearing bikinis!
3. Twin Cities!!
Shout out to where I live! Lonely Planet named the Twin Cities a top-ten US travel destination for 2013. Is it because we get to experience this on an all too often basis?
Or is it because it looks like THIS in the summer?
Land of 10,000 lakes is the perfect place to find love (well in the summer – it’s not sexy wearing long-underwear and hairy legs). But in the summer it’s h-0-double-t. Put on your swimsuits ladies and hit up some beach volleyball at Lake Calhoun. Cool off at the Summit Brewery tour. This place has all the makings of true love.
4. Bar Harbor, Maine
This town is quintessential cuteness! Plus, if you say it with a Boston accent, Bahhh Habaahh, it’s more fun! I can definitely see some ABC planned thoughtful dates such as lobster fishing, a group bike ride through Acadia National Park (Tierra would undoubtedly need fake medical attention), and a cozy dinner at a B&B (somehow Tierra would ruin that too).
As a bonus, imagine all the punny things Chris Harrison could write on the date cards! Here’s to finding your “maine” squeeze. This is the “maine” date. Set the bar in Bar Harbor.
5. Key West, Florida
Ahhh Key West. It’s like your life is just one giant Jimmy Buffett song when you’re down in that one particular harbor (get it?!) Date card option: Wasted Away in Margaritaville. PERFECT! Or how about this one? Life’s a drag (girls participate in one of the famous Key West drag shows!) Or, “Let’s take our relationship to the Southern Most Point.” How about jet skiing on the ocean (been there- done that – amazingness) “let’s jet.” Key West has the Bachelor written all over it. Swimsuits, umbrella drinks that you can purchase right on the street, beaches, drag queens, and the biggest sunset watching party in the US. What’s more romantic than a sunset? Actually, I have an answer for that! A sunset that doesn’t involve the Bachelor!
6. Savannah, Georgia
Savannah has the makings of every epic love story. Mystery, intrigue, history, wealth, greed, and spanish moss. Another destination with an open container law! Imagine the dates in Savannah – romantic carriage rides through the historic town squares, trip to the beach on Tybee Island, group ghost tours through haunted mansions, haunted squares, and haunted cemeteries, cooking lessons from Paula Dean, and pictures with the Forest Gump bench!
So much Southern charm, it’d be hard NOT to fall in love for the night for life.
Something weird is going on. Something fishy. The start of episode four did not begin with SSS (Sean shirtless and sweating). Come on ABC! If we can’t see Sean’s abs, how will we know he’s serious about this journey? If Sean doesn’t run alone on the beach, how will we know he’s going to find love at the end of that staged intense run? It seems all of the editing this week was slightly different. Like, what was up with those ridiculous light-rock songs that kept popping up during the episode? With those tunes, I felt like I was in the produce section at the grocery store trying to decide between romaine and spinach.
Chris Harrison starts off the episode at the STD factory mansion by announcing that Sean sees his wife in this room. Wow. you can cue the groans early. I’m sorry Sean – I think all the fake tanner is getting to your head.
The shot changes to Sean talking about the week ahead. Our faith in the journey is restored! Sean is shirtless! (Although not sweaty). Instead ABC gives us a lovely shot of Sean in his boxer-briefs as he prepares for his first date.
First one-on-one date: Selma – Let’s Turn Up the Heat
I was excited for Selma to go on a date with Sean because I thought she seemed sweet and is very pretty. But my opinion of Selma decreased rapidly. I don’t know what is with this season but everyone reminds me of a celebrity! In this case, Selma reminds me of her name-same Selma Hayek.
Here is bachelor Selma:
Here is celebrity Selma:
The other thing they have in common? Their ta-tas are giant and seem to hang out everywhere! Sean is sooooo thoughtful and picks up Selma for prom the date in a limo. Selma asks Sean if he can handle all 110 pounds of “this” (“this” meaning her 60 lb boobs and 70 lb frame). Seriously Selma? Is announcing to the world that you need to gain 20 pounds necessary? The limo leads to a private plane and Selma asks if every date will be like this. Umm no Selma because you aren’t entering into a relationship with ABC when the show concludes. I feel the need to type in shouty caps. WHY DO ALL THESE GIRLS THINK SEAN IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE DATES? News flash, if Sean is planning a date it probably involves a trip to the local Snap Fitness and a protein shake.
Moving on (which is exactly what I think Sean should do). Sean and Selma fly to a desert where Selma asks why Sean would bring an Iraqi to the desert. Instantly Selma starts complaining. She doesn’t do well in heat, she doesn’t like athletic things, she doesn’t like blondes (later she explains the blonde comment was just the heat talking). Sean tells Selma he has a giant rock for her. Selma’s eyes light up as she envisions her 3 carat Neil Lane glittering on her bony polished finger. But Sean had a different rock in mind… a rock that can’t accommodate Selma’s normal 6-inch heels. Question Selma – are you a stripper? Why are your heels 6-inches? Selma manages (pretty well actually) to rock climb up the mountain with minimal complaints.
After, Sean takes Selma to a trailer-park, which, for some reason, they both think is romantic. Trailers and romance usually don’t go hand in hand for me (I say usually because it could be romantic if say Patrick Swayze circa Dirty Dancing era took me to the trailer park. Sigh.) We learn that Selma was born a Muslim in Iraq,and has very strict parents. Sean is bummed he doesn’t get to gross Selma out with his terrible kissing. Rose for Selma and her twins.
Sean takes his strangers girlfriends to participate in a roller derby. Because the ABC producers are completely and utterly shameless, they include Sarah on the group date. Since Sarah is missing an arm, her balance is completely off. Mean Bachelor, mean. The roller-derby date looks about as fun as sticking needles in my eyes. Most of the girls can’t even stand up except for Amanda, who is like ah-maz-ing. So amazing in fact that Amanda kept her chin up, ignored all the other girls’ criticism and took it on the chin. Literally. She took in on the chin as she fell chin first into the rink. Amanda’s face broke because it’s potentially made of stone. Amanda was raced off to the ER to deal with her chin-jury and hopefully her attitude. I’m not sure the ER can provide people with new souls though.
After the failed fun roller derby, Sean and his ladies head to a party to get wasted explore their relationships further. That is until the plague known as “Tierrible” struck. Poor Tierra and her insanely arched eye brows just “can’t be tortured like this!” (Tierra says this is torture three times – actually Tierra, torture includes waterboarding, solitary confinement, sleep deprivation, restraints, etc. I don’t believe competing on the Bachelor is a banned form of torture recognized by the UN Convention Against Torture). But seriously guys, she cannot take it! She CANNOT compete with these other girls. She is DONE! She is Done. With. This! She can’t take the fakeness anymore!!!! Tierra lays on the crocodile tears and demands to leave the show. Oddly enough, Tierrible’s tears turn into a smirk as she tells Sean this is too hard. Rose for princess Tierra.
That leads me to things that I normally find totally annoying but are currently less annoying than Tierra:
people who step on the back of your shoe
slow internet service
Taylor Swift’s whiny break-up songs
airport security lines
leaving a red sock in a load of whites
drivers who don’t use a turn signals
people saying Sean plans these dates
when people call me Katie (ok, that will ALWAYS be most annoying)
Second one-on-one date: Nothing says romance like a prostitute
Ahh yes, the Pretty Woman date. Classic. Leslie H. is thrilled to go on the pretty woman date. Leslie H. says numerous times that she feels just like she’s in the movie. I always love when my date makes me feel like a hooker! Don’t you? (And also, Sean’s no Richard Gere, come on now). But seriously, why do they insist on doing this date. It’s wrong for so many reasons. It’s awkward shopping with men because they HATE IT. It’s also awkward to try on clothes for men…especially on your only first date. Despite Sean telling us 10000 times that this is a romantic date, this is pretty much the opposite of romance. Neil Lane on my date does not equal romance. A giant empty building? Not romantic. Trying to conceal Spanx while trying on dresses for Sean? Not romantic. Ultimately Sean decides this date lacks the Selma-heat and sends Leslie home in a mini-van. Ouch. That’s not how Pretty Woman ended. It’s back to Rodeo Drive for Leslie to try her luck with the next John. Sean goes back inside to enjoy a private concert alone (PS – totally loved that song the band was playing!)
At the rose ceremony we endured a cringe-worthy scene of Robyn asking Sean if he wants to taste the chocolate. I had to cover my eyes again and watch through my fingers. I still have PTSD from last week’s debacle with Leslie’s badonkadonk nearly showing during the worst longest kiss ever. In the end, Amanda and the worst lip-stick color choice in Bachelor history were sent packing. Goodbye Amanda. You frighten me.
It’s week three at the mansion with the freshly washed driveway (side-note – seriously, why is the driveway always wet? Does someone throw up on it every episode? Likely. Is it wet from the tears of desperate hopeful women? It is covered in copious amounts of endlessly flowing alcohol? Can someone please tell me why?!?) Anyway, I digress. The episode starts in a predictable fashion: Sean shirtless and sweating (we’ll call this SSS from now on).
First one-on-one date: Kiss me you fool
Little Miss DC gets the first date (Lesley). I’m immediately struck by two things: First, Les (not to be confused with Des) has amazing hair. I mean really, sign that girl up for some Tressemme commercials! Ooo, la la. Second, Les is a political consultant. I’m young so I don’t want to bash other young people, but who exactly is Lesley advising? Is she responsible for Romney’s failed campaign? Doubtful, but after watching this “date,” I fear I must offer Lesley some advice. Lesley, do not, under any circumstances, borrow your 6th grade sister’s dress. It’s just going to be too short on you. Poor Lesley picked out a dress that would have been really cute if it were just 6 inches longer. To make matters worse, Sean takes Lesley on a date to set the Guinness World Record for longest on-screen kiss. The Almighty Chris Harrison appears to look up Lesley’s dress instruct the love-birds (side-note – why does Chris Harrison keep appearing on dates?That’s new! Apparently his traditional one line “this is the final rose of the evening,” is not stimulating enough.) Lesley and Sean are instructed to stand on a platform, surrounded by bachelor cast rejects tourists and kiss for more than 3 minutes and 15 seconds. If their lips separate, the record WILL NOT BE BROKEN. Gee, what a shame that would be! What happened next kept me awake last night. Like a child, I covered my hand over my face and watched through my fingers as poor Lesley’s juicy-double almost got exposed to the entire world (her poor father). Someone. Pull. Down. Her. Dress. Instead, it crept further and further up and Sean’s lips creeped me further and further out. Sean and Lesley literally just pressed their lips against each other for the entire 3 minutes and 16 seconds. That is NOT kissing (although later, as Sean jammed his tongue down his multiple prospective wives’ throats, I appreciated the weird lip-pressing kiss). Sean, a little advice for you- perhaps you should have taken Arie’s kissing advice more seriously. Nevertheless, Lesley decides fame is worth the disgust she likes Sean’s kissing and declares that “today has been the greatest day of my life.” Oh Lesley, that makes me really sad for your life.
Group Date: Set, Bump, Spike, and Cry
At first, the girls were majorly excited about this date because they would get to set their nail polish, bump their hair and don their favorite pairs of spiked heels. Unfortunately, Sean had a different vision for set, bump, and spike. The 12 lucky ladies hit the beach to vie for Sean’s attention in the form of neon bikinis and a painful game of beach volleyball. Once again, the Almighty Chris Harrison shows up on the date to drool over the girls in their itsy-bitsy teenie-weenie bikinis explain that only the winning team will spend the evening with Sean. All the girls look identical in their Little Ricky sized swimsuits (Ricky as in Emily’s Ricky). Sean begins to majorly regret beach volleyball after he realizes none of the girls can return the ball – like at all. Kristy starts to get upset and asks if the photo shoot is over. Kacie B declares that she is totally winning this game because it’s the most important one she’s ever had to play. Amanda wonders how long she has to pretend to look happy before she can return to selective mutism. The blue team eventually prevails and the red team is sent home sobbing. Seriously. Sobbing. I can only assume they were crying for the following reasons 1)they were drunk 2)there was sand in uncomfortable places 3)someone stole their clothes (ehhhh hemmm, Chris Harrison?) and made them ride home on the bus in their bikinis.
Meanwhile, back at Sean’s abode, Sean makes the rounds shoving his tongue in the mouths of the 6 members of the blue team. Kacie B comes up with her most frantic brilliant idea yet. She decides to pull Sean aside and tell him she’s in the middle of some terrible drama between Des and Amanda. Maybe Kacie was the product of bad editing, but the whole exchange left you worried Kacie was one step away from boiling a bunny (Fatal Attraction, anyone?) Sean is clearly annoyed and says, “I want you to act like Kacie, not like this crazy person that I’m seeing.” Kacie, please see the second definition of the word “backfire.”
Second one-on-one date: Your Love is like a Rollercoaster baby, baby, I wanna ride. Cue the Red Hot Chili Peppers:
Anyway, Sean picks up AshLee for her date, but not before Tierra falls down the stairs. Luckily Teirra’s lip gloss remained firmly in place during the ordeal. The only casualty was one false eye lash and an acrylic nail. Anyway, Sean picks up AshLee (whose hair also looked amazing – It was the beachy-bride look). Sean told AshLee to wear her shortest dress because Harrison was going to try to get panty-shots during the rollercoaster rides. And I mean really, why wouldn’t you wear a short dress to ride coasters? Also accompanying Ashean (AshLee + Sean = Ashean) were two chronically-ill best friends. Sean was surprisingly very sweet with the girls and managed to have a bit of personality. On a less serious note, Sean was wearing shorts and I’m fairly certain he shaves his legs. Cue the groans.
Rose Ceremony: Wetsuits repel tears.
Kacie B undoubtedly knows it’s time for her to hit the road jack (and seriously Kacie, don’t you come back no more no more no more no more). She plans accordingly and shows up in her wetsuit dress, obviously to repel the tears. Sean takes Kacie outside to tell her that he knows they had a deal to let her make it to the top three so she could be the next Bachelorette but he JUST. CAN’T. TAKE. IT. Kacie B was given a hefty dose of Xanax prior to the ceremony to ensure she didn’t have another epic limo breakdown. Please recall:
Next week it appears Tierra suffers PTSD from her fall down the stairs.
A couple of days ago I stumbled across an article that said Sean’s season of the Bachelor is the 25th season (you can read it here). I had an internal panic attack. You mean to tell me I’ve watched 25 seasons of this ridiculousness gem? I’ve lost years of my life watching this??
Sadly, yes. Yes, I have. I’ve seen every single season (and every stinking episode) since it aired in 2002. 11 years ago! I was only 16 years old.
Imagine the things I could have done in 11 years:
written a best-selling novel
found a cure to cancer (I’m not sure which type of cancer)
gone to college and law school (actually, I did those things)
run a marathon (oh wait, I did that too. Now I’m just bragging)
invented Facebook BEFORE Mark or the Winklevoss twins
discovered Pluto isn’t actually a planet (sorry Pluto!)
prevented the BP oil spill
learned how to strum some cords on the guitar while belting out Michelle Branch’s “All You Wanted” better than one of my sisters
Really, the list is endless. And while maybe I didn’t accomplish most of those things, the Bachelor provided a lasting memory at a crucial moment in my adolescence.
In the Spring of 2003, my three sisters and I decided to meet in Vail for a ski trip. My oldest sister and I drove all the way to Colorado from Wisconsin, where we met our other two sisters (who had the luxury of flying). Part of the reason we had to drive is because my mom practically strong-armed me into applying to college at Creighton in Omaha, Nebraska. I was utterly distraught at the prospect of moving to Nebraska but my mom insisted we stop and tour the campus. And we did. We happened to arrive on a beautiful spring day that only a true Midwesterner can appreciate. It was unseasonably warm, low 70′s and bright blue skies. I was sold.
We continued on our journey to the Rockies and the skiing was underway. Until it wasn’t. I decided I needed medical attention and an oxygen tank. I’m sure my sisters called my mom and told her NEXT TIME the youngest needs to stay home. Since my hour of skiing did me in, my oldest sister (my road trip companion) and I decided our time would be better spent shopping in the cute little Vail village. Umm hello, have you met me? Shopping is always preferable to athletics! As we perused the shops my sister spotted a celeb. And it wasn’t just ANY celeb. It was RYAN from the Bachelor! As in Trista and Ryan.
I threw off my oxygen tank and marched up to him. We chitchatted about Trista, I secured my wedding invite, and we snapped this darling photo.
(Actually, it’s sort of the opposite of darling. What 17-year-old wears pigtails? And couldn’t I have put on some makeup? I think Ryan would find 27-year-old Kate much much more attractive.)
I couldn’t wait to get home and get my film developed (yes, film). A short while later, my phone rang (one of those giant Nokia cell phones) and it was my mom. She told me I had received a letter awarding me full tuition to Creighton.
My fate was sealed. I still have the shirt I bought that day in Vail (perhaps time to do more shopping?), the original picture with Ryan, and two degrees from Creighton.
It’s week two and we finally get to see the desperate love-seeking women in their “natural” element. And by natural I mean, slightly more sober and slightly less glittery. While I settled in to watch this week’s trainwreck journey to find love, I confirmed what I suspected on Em’s season. Apart from Sean’s oiled-up abs, gelled bleach-blond hair, and v-neck t-shirts, Sean is BOR-ING, with a capital B. In general, this episode was not up to the Bachelor caliber it could be. Where were the accusations of being there for the wrong reasons (I’m looking at you Wes)? Where was the one who has a significant other back home (you heard me again Wes)? Where was the one who totally wanted the bachelor[ette] to be someone else (ehhhemmm Bentley)? There’s always hope for next week!
The episode starts off with Single Sean doing what he does best – working out and allowing people to film him showering. Chirs Harrison comes to the mansion to deliver the “date card” (I hardly think jumping off a building is a date. That’s more like a torture method that ought to be illegal). What ever happened to a cup of coffee? Or lunch? Sean picks Sarah to be his first one on one date. In true Bachelor fashion, Sean fetches his helicopter to pick up Sarah. Oh. Emm. Gee. Sean is soooo sweet. He is like, so sweet, and so romantic for like picking me up in like a helicopter. Cue the groans. Anyway, Sean picks up Sarah, who seriously talks like a Valley Girl, and whisks her away to the top of a building – much to the jealousy of his other drunk castmates “girl friends.” During the helicopter ride, we at home prepared ourselves for the clichéd statements about the date. It’ll probably go something like this:
Sean: Being on top of this building with Sarah is taking our relationship to new heights. Sarah: If Sean and I like jump off this building together it will mean like we can do anything togetherrrrr. Sean: Free-falling with Sarah means I’m really taking a chance with her. Sarah: I know that to like trust Sean means I like have to take this first step off the ledggggge. Sean: Can you see my abs through my shirt? You can’t?
Sean and Sarah both overcome their fears, learn to trust each other, and know they can do anything together now, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, I notice that Sarah looks exactly like Amanda Beard!
Here is Sarah:
And here is Amanda, you know, the Olympic swimmer?
Sean likes Amanda Sarah and gives her a rose.
Next, Sean goes on a group date that would have been absolutely perfect for 50 Shades of Intoxication girl. Such a bummer she went home early! Sean takes his future wife/ future mother of his children, to shoot covers for romance novels. May the girl with the biggest teeth win. Wait – that’s exactly what happened. The model with the giant teeth won the modeling contest (well gee honey, way to win at your own trade!). At the wrap party fangs started to come out (no I mean seriously, some of the girls had to wear fangs). All the girls had different tactics to capture the muscles of Sean. Little Miss Washington DC (Lesley) decided it was time to give Sean something short and sweet – something to leave him wanting more. So she marched up to him after her first failed attempt, planted one on him and then told him that was all he’d get because she wanted to “leave him wanting more.” Ugh Lesley – it’s much less attractive when you actually say that rather than allow Sean to make that conclusion on his own. Moving on… the next tactic (and it seems to be working) is pouting until the bachelor notices. Nice move, Tierra, nice move. As Sean comforts Teirra, Tierra bats her long false eyelashes at Sean, lamenting how hard it is to pursue a guy. I mean, she’s never had to do that with 25 other women! (Side note – false eyelashes? Interesting Tierra…earlier you said nothing on you was fake. Au Naturale.) Kacie B swoops in on the Bachelor, asking him if he is willing to take her out of the “friend” zone. I think she then calls Sean her boyfriend? Oh Kacie B, why don’t you have something better to do with your time? Kacie B becomes increasingly cocky during the evening since this is her second desperate/ failed attempt at finding love and she knows how to play the game this time!
But the real winner of the night is the Yoga Guru with wild, wild hair who realizes this process is not so zen, inhales deeply, exhales loudly and then approaches Sean with an “om,” which he mistakes for an um. She once again calms her breathing and tells Sean Namaste-ya-later.
Kacie B becomes uncentered upon hearing she is one rose closer to Sean and receives the group rose.
Finally, the last date of the show. Blondie picks up Joey from Dawson’s Creek I mean Katie Holmes I mean, Des for a date to test if Des is someone with which whom he can laugh. He pulls a juvenile prank on her and she takes it well. Sean thereby declares that Des is someone he can get serious with because she laughed at his lame joke. (Quick pull – what is Sean’s lamest prank? The living with his parents/ dirty room prank? The “we eat armadillo” prank? Oh so many good ones! Especially if you are 10!)
But really – here is Des:
And here is Katie Holmes as Joey:
Finally it’s time for the rose ceremony. Amanda pouted on the couch the entire night. Can you blame her? Did you see her dress? Of course you saw her dress, you couldn’t miss it! It was bright yellow, with giant almost rose-looking shoulder caps. Amanda sat there for so long, ignoring everyone that I feared she had gone mute. But alas, her loud signature necklace and unbrushed hair will see another week.
Single mom from Utah and the girl who looks like Brandy (the singer, not the drink) were sent packing. I guess they’ll have to find true love somewhere else.